1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me
the hell alone.
2. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
the same night.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if your going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air -- it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. No one is listening until you fart.
6. Always remember you are unique -- just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. If you think nobody cares if you are alive, try missing a couple of
9. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.
10. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
11. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
12. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
13. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
14. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
15. Don't worry -- it only seems kinky the first time.
16. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of the comes from
17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put
it back in your pocket.
18. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
19. Duct tape is like the Force -- it has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.
20. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works