Time began at around 300BC when Sir Isaac Schröder, Swish philosopher, was napping under a tree, when an alarm clock fell on his head.
This alarm clock was thrown from a moving vehicle by a small boy, whom Schröder spent most of his life hunting down, in a bitter quest for vengence. Eventually, when he did catch the boy he cut of his hand and had it preserved in a jar. Upon observing it lying in his deathbed, Schröder realised and developed his concept of time, which in modern times we now know as the 'Casio principle'.
edit: for shoddy grammar and double verbage, but Withcheese just quoted me, so the orginal is still there, you son of a bitch