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Thread: Irish Humor

  1. #1
    hippychick's Avatar Memo, what memo? BT Rep: +5
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    In a State Of Confusion
    Irish Humor

    Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd
    just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is
    broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

    "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

    "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

    "That little twerp, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do
    that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

    "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a
    terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

    "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
    didn't you have something in your hand?"

    "That I did," said Paddy... "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a
    thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."


    An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving
    home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving
    violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop
    to the driver, "where have ya been?"

    "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

    "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a
    few to drink this evening."

    "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

    "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
    folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your
    wife fell out of your car?"

    "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a few minutes
    there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


    Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim
    Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've
    somethin'to tell ya."

    "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
    But where's my husband?"

    "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."There was
    an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

    "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me.."

    "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm

    Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

    "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness
    Stout and drowned."

    "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he
    at least go quickly?"

    "Well, Brenda ... no. In fact, he got out three times to


    Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday
    morning service, and she's in tears.

    He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

    She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband
    passed away last night."

    The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me,
    Mary, did he have any last requests?"

    She says, "That he did, Father."

    The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

    She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun



    A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a
    confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few
    times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sits there.
    Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

    The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin; there's no paper
    on this side either"....

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  3. Funny S**t   -   #2
    brenda's Avatar Reborn again BT Rep: +3
    Join Date
    Mar 2004

    Not Shamus
    This fate is worse than death. Condemned to live out existence in a vessel incapable of sustaining my true glory. How am I to function with such limitation? - Illyria

  4. Funny S**t   -   #3
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    what do u do if an irish person throws a pin at you?
    run cause he has a grenade in his mouth!
    how do u burn an irish man?
    phone him while he is doing the ironing
    how do u sink an irish submarine?
    knock on the hatch

    An Irish man, sottish man and an english man are working on a building site on there lunch break. the Scottish man opens his lunch box and says "if i get ham one more time i'm gonna throw myself off this building and kill nyself!"
    the English man opens his lunch box and says "if i get tuna one more time i'm gonna throw myself off this building aswell and kill myself!!"
    the Irish person opens his lunch box and says "if i get cheese one more time i'm gonna throw myself off this building and kill myself aswell!!!!"
    sure enough the next day the english man gets the same and throws himself off the building and kills himself. the scottish person the same, and the irish person also.... about half an hour later there is an ambulance and police cars around the scene at the base of the building, the mens wifes arrive and are all crying for there dead husbands. the police question the mens wives on there husbands frames of mind. and tell how a fellow builder overheard there conversation about the lunches. the english persons wife crys "if i knew he didn't like tuna i wouldn't have made him it!!" the scottish women is just as distrought and also crys "if i knew he didn't like ham i wouldn't have made him it!!!" The irish mans wife crys " i dont know y my husband killed himself he makes his own sandwhiches!!!??"

    Dont know y i find these funny seeing as i'm irish and all... but i love irish jokes. the stupid spacks they are.


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