I know I haven't been posting to my usual haunts very often for quite a while now but things at home have not been going great for a while.
I will be bidding farewell to FST for a while. Whether it's short term or indefinitely I cannot say.
Last Friday I had a mammoth argument with my wife and she has not spoken to me since.
Since the weekend I have been actively looking for alternative accomodation.
I don't want to leave here but I know that my wife hasn't been paying the bills she's supposed to handle so some serious shit is going to hit the fan on this house sometime soon and I don't want to be in it when it does.
This is going to be hard on the kids (harder for some than others) but I am at a point where I have given up trying to guide them in a direction I feel is right because I am constantly undermined by their ability to hoodwink my wife into believing they'll do as they're asked next time... until the next time.
I have come extremely close to ending my life on two occasions in the past.
I was once extremely depressed about my inability to support the family on my own wages and one day sent a text message about it to my wife while I was at work. She replied by telling me to 'grow up'.
The only thing that 'kept me going' (horrible phrase I know, but it fits so well) was the thought that my family would be really in the shitter should I go.
I have to make this decision in my own interests and disregard others' feelings otherwise I am likely to fall into a very dark frame of mind that I may not find the strength to overcome.
Some workmates have tried to tell me I'm putting on a brave face by saying I don't care about my family any more, that it's all going to back-up inside me and I'll end up having a breakdown. I have told them that I've had breakdowns before, that I've contemplated suicide on a number of occasions, and that I have got to stop caring in order to prevent it happening again.
So there we have it... Chewie is losing it and has got to do something about that. I have been looking at apartments in what I consider my price range (renting, cos at 40 I will never get a first mortgage, especially in South London!) and there are some with cable access or at least the possibility of it. Hopefully, I'll have found somewhere and got myself sorted out before the end of the month, and be back online with time to post here.