The people of East London have been successful in their bid to host the 2012
Olympics. However, there has been a request that some of the events and
traditions are modified in order to give the locals a greater chance of
winning medals. The International Olympic Committee is therefore being asked
to consider establishing the Olympic Village in Barking. Showers will be in
full w**king order as soon as the copper piping is brought back, but
arrangements have been made if necessary, to use Dagenham Common Lake. The
use of drugs will be closely monitored. A spokesperson said that drugs would
be available only from the local Community Centre. Asked about urine
samples, the spokesperson said that no one takes the piss out of the local
lads and offered to take the researcher outside. The Olympic Flame will also
be slightly different The lighting ceremony will go ahead in the
time-honoured tradition of torching a Ford Escort XR3i.
Proposals have been put forward concerning rule changes in the following
1. The 100-metre sprint: - Athletes must complete the course in Barking
High street with a video recorder under one arm and a microwave under the
other. After 20 metres a Police Dog will be released in each lane.
2. Fencing: - The protective mesh face will be removed and replaced with a
black ski mask according to local custom. Athletes will then be asked to
dispose of a selection of antiques, electrical goods, watches, mountain
bikes and car radios in the shortest possible time.
3. Boxing: - This event will be restricted to husband and wife teams and
the finals will be held in the community centre on Saturday night. The
husband must down at least 12 pints in the Engineer Arms before encountering
his wife, where she will announce one of the following: - (a) There's fark
all for your tea. ( B ) The telly's been repossessed. © Our Tracey's up the
stick (d) I'm up the stick. (e) The woman up the road is up the stick and
she says it's yours.
4. Triple Jump: - This will revert to its old name of Hop, Skip and Jump
and will be sponsored by H.M.Prison Service. Medals will be awarded to
competitors who find the most ingenious way of jumping bail.
5. Tug of War: - Chains will be fixed to one of the cash point machines at
the BP in Lower Dagenham and the winning team will be the ones who can haul
it out the quickest.
6. Equestrian Event: - Horses, ponies, donkeys and assorted nags can be
collected from the fields behind Upton Park and medals will be awarded for
tethering them in the most unusual places.
7. Shot Putt: - House bricks will be thrown from various distances at
suitable plate glass windows, especially the chemists, the newsagents or at
any vehicles in the hospital car park.
8. Walking: - Athletes must be accompanied by a Pit Bull Terrier, Doberman,
German shepherd or Whippet. Ferrets and pushchairs do not count.
9. Cycling: - The Committee are unanimous in their ruling that tandems are
for poofs, but most cycles will accommodate two as long as they have stunt
pegs, no brakes or lights and are ridden on public footpaths. They must be
mountain bikes and they must have spent at least a week in the River Thames.
The Committee is confident that sufficient funds can be found to stage such
a major international event and looks forward to the true spirit of the
Games flourishing in this little part of London. They urge the I.O.C. to
consider this application in the light of that tried and tested local
saying, 'It's not the taking part that counts, it's the taking apart.'