Its hit the fan again!

[sArA]

I don't need to slag him off, the kids can do that all by themselves....take this comment by my daughter on hearing he might be going to visit Zimbabwe (where his GF is from) and hearing it can be a dangerous place particularly for white British people at the moment...I mentioned that he could get shot or anything...'If that happened that would solve everything'

Had to laugh at the time, but it is a sad reflection on him if she feels that way.

It would be nice if we could palm the kids off on my parents for a weekend, unfortunately they live in Spain, and the BF's parents don't have the space or have a developed enough relationship with them for overnight stays.

[Buffalo]

Very sad, you did the right thing to get it off ya chest, by the sounds of it you have a lot to contend with.
In any split up it's bad, but when kids are involved that's a different matter.

I can't understand why he should dish the kids like that, not nice & there at an age where they will get hurt as they know whats going on.

It's no good to bottle things up, if your like me with a limited amount of family to talk to then somethings going to pop.

I hope things sort out for you & Soon, love from Barry

[Gripper]

Sara you sound a brilliant mum.
Can see why he's the ex,shooting himself in the foot left,right and center..what a dork

[DanB]

They are old enough to make up their own minds.


My little cousin was in a similar situation, when he went to visit he was left out by his dad's new kids and wife and also by him, so next time he went round there for the weekend he told him he didn't want to come round and see him anymore.

It didn't go down too well but he doesn't ask to see him anymore, but its slightly different cos he never knew him as dad as he left my aunt before Adam was born

[VivaciousAkasha]

Wow, I thought I had the only impossibly irresponsible ex, or at least their prince! Now, I see my ex is close but yours is a KING! What an ass. It's just plain sad.

On visitation.... Your children are old enough to decline visits. Encourage them to tell their dad why (in writing that way he can't interrupt or argue). Your kids feelings are important and he needs to know they are hurting.

If/When visitation starts again insist on ground rules, and then stick to them. If he fails to call when he said he would, or fails to make them a priority when he visits with them all bets are off and they can decline to visit again.

There's no reason in the world they should have to go with him if they don't want to. None. If he wants them to love and respect him he MUST put in the time and effort. Monetary support isn't love.

Personally, I never speak ill of my ex to my children (they are 10 and almost 7). I never make excuses for him either. If he hurts their feelings I encourage them to tell him so. If they want to talk to him I hand them the phone and dial it for them.

He refuses to commit to a schedule and after many frustrating months I finally put my foot down.

Our agreement is
1> Give 24 hour notice for 'impromptu' visits or no visit.
2> Always return their calls ASAP. No if's and's or but's. (I just wont tolerate it when I know he has caller ID and voicemail on his home and cell phone.
3> Never discuss 'our' issues with them.
4> You can't take one kid without taking the other later that same week. Equal one-on-one time for both boys.

So far, it's working. When he goes too long without talking to them, they call him.

He hasn't missed calling them back except for once and then was shocked when I slammed the door on him for his visit. :p Really pissed him off because he had his mother with him and expected to bully his way in the door!! I stuck to my guns (I don't care who just came in out of town - you didn't call your kids to make plans). Now he makes sure he calls them back.

[Mr JP Fugley]

Sara,

The important issue is how the sprogs feel. That is what you are considering and acting on. It is not what your ex is doing. He sounds like someone else I know who behaved the same way, personally I though his daughter was probably as well not seing him, but I don't know your ex so can't really comment, he might be OK (but to be honest he sounds like a twat to me)

You are in the right here and should do whatever you think is right, it seems to have served you well so far and you are the person best placed to know what's best for your young 'uns.

It will work out for the best if you trust your instincts. You know it makes sense.

[j2k4]

Sorry to hear of the problems, Sara.

Sounds as if he needs to have pointed up to him the ill-effects of his behavior.

All the normal bromides and advice (with which I am very familiar) aside, I would be sorely tempted, were I you (and provided also that the support money involved is not an insurmountable hindrance), I'd quietly offer to forego support in exchange for his dropping custody.

Two things could result:

He fights any action, at which point the court is presented a nice opportunity to review things and advise him that he is a jack-ass and had better mend his ways, or-

He gives it up and his truest feelings as re: his children are on display for all (meaning the children) to see.

I'm sorry, but I've seen and witnessed too many apologist strategies offered in defense of wayward parents, and I've concluded that, as the kids are old enough to remember that they've got a father (so they can pursue that avenue at a later date, if they choose), then what further harm?

My own children were 11 and 12 at the time of my divorce, and the games my ex managed to play in the name of undermining me while at the same time keeping me tied financially and denying me visitation, etc., has screwed them up for life.

Make the offer, and if the court steps on him, fine, or if he opts out, fine, too.

If you had an unimpeded path at guiding them, and they had the inclination to view your boyfriend in a parental light, then I think you've got what you want, and more importantly, what they need.

The beauty of it is they retain their rights and options, and have the chance to exercise them.

Upward and onward, then; if the asshole doesn't want to come along for the ride, fuck 'im.

Just my opinion.

Good luck to you and yours, Sara, and keep us posted.

[GepperRankins]

Those of you who know me, know that I have had quite a bit of trouble with my ex and how he treats the kids. The kids even stopped seeing him for a couple of months because they were so unhappy.

Anyway, it was smoothed over a bit and he started to have them every other weekend again...so far he has had them twice. During the periods between visits he has not made any effort to contact them or involve himself in their lives and the kids have indicated that they still feel he doesn't care about them.

On Wednesday morning I sent him an email saying that I was taking them out on Saturday night so could he just have them from Friday night to Saturday evening, asking him to confirm the arrangements.

We hear nothing and as the kids need to know whats happening and where they are sleeping with at least a bit of notice, we (stress on WE) decided that they would not be going this weekend.

This morning I received a phone call and I told him that as he has not bothered to contact them at all, that they won't be coming this weekend now...he aint happy.

I am now officially an evil, evil woman who is turning the kids against him and stopping him from seeing them for ever (I didn't say that). He thinks I should make them go as a matter of course, I think it should be up to them.

Why would I want put a stop to my horny weekends in bed with BF? Why would I want to have to pay for baby sitters if I want to pop to the pub? And how would I turn them against him if he was such a good dad?

The kids are not stupid they are 10 and 12 so not babies, they know their own minds and they know if they are being treated like shit.

I guess that there will be a pretty mixed response to this, but I just felt the need to get it off my chest.

kinda the same in my house FTW!


my dad's an unreliable dick and thinks my mum's turning us against him. just pray he doesn't get ill because the guilt trips are annoying as fuck. (i'm dying and all you care about is my money. i'm dying and you only see me when you want something. i'm glad i'm dying so i can get away from this). i mean like my mam is crazy and starts doing crazy shit to wind him up when i go to his house or whatever but they can both be assholes and it pisses me off that through no fault of my own i'm in the middle.

[maebach]

I don't know much about relationships,it's sad that he lives a mile away and can't bother to call/come over once a while. He could drop by or drive the kids to school, take them out to dinner etc.

[Biggles]

Thanks manker.

I am not so much asking what I should do, just looking for a bit of support from me mates whilst I fight for the rights of my kids to be happy.

The responses so far have shown me who my friends are...thanks guys.

I have said this before (but I will say it again) people do what they want to do and the words they say are just what they think they should appear to be doing.

If he wanted the kids he would have responded to your email faster than a very fast thing.

My ex and I live only a mile apart and have done since the kids were 8 and 6. SGG more or less resides here these days (except when I am on business trips) and her bro tends to stay at his Mum's but they come and go as they please and have done since they were about 12/13ish. Both of us see both kids lots (usually with paw outstretched for dosh ) However I do appreciate that remaining friends with my ex makes things a lot easier than it does for those that have a certain degree of friction.

Hope things work out Sara. From what you have said, it is a bit crushing for the kids to feel that their Dad is so disengaged and uninterested. SGG would have me disembowled if I suggested she buy her own lunch