Social Security Sex:

[trinity1011]

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A blonde was driving home after a night out and got caught in
really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day
she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so
he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the
tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started
blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little
harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow
into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her
roommate rolled her eyes and said, ...

"HELLLLOOOO" "You need to roll up the windows"

[DanB]

While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 15 mph over), I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge.

Naturally, he pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?"

I replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop. "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The cop said, "What?.... A rectum stretcher? What does a rectum stretcher DO?"

I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my
way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand.
Then I work until I can get both hands in there, and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."

The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6
foot ass hole?"

I simply replied, " You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge....."

[DanB]

Some of the finest double entendres on British TV & Radio...



MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up
to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse
coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're
rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."


Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his
caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish
Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other
weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky
Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's
misses every chance he gets."

JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre
choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard
on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a
hard on now."


Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner
Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising
fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on
jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a
quick look between his legs and likes what he
sees."

ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner
Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing
third leg."

DURING the 1989 British Masters golf tournament,
commentator Richie Benaud observed: "Notices are
appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick
their balls on the green."

CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a
Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson
to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just
tossed it off."

CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look
North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage
inside you on a cold night like this."

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand
Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up
the backside by Barrichello?"

STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros
felt much better today after a 69."

THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough
Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at
that magnificent erection."

WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how
jockeys prepare for a big race when he said:
"They usually have four or five dreams a night
about coming from different positions."

STEVE Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In
The Wild, told Trude: "There's something big growing
between my legs."

CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages
on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could
get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was
supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the
weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight
inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE
have to leave the set, but half the crew did too,
because they were laughing so hard!

Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is
Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this
morning and it was amazing!"

Hee Hee slightly old but still gets me laughing!!