Kaz's Jokes

[summond_skull]

ok now were on to the food jokes

Top ten ways to annoy your waiter
From the Late Show with David Letterman - Friday, January 13, 1995 with revisions made by John Insor.


10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.

9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"

8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"

7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".

6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"

5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.

4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"

3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.

2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"

1. Three words: eat the check.

more jokes will follow

[summond_skull]

Getting in an accident

A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.

After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi.

Just look at our cars.

There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt.

This must be a sign from God!"

Pointing to the sky, he continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely.

This must surely be a sign from God!"

The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this!

Here's another miracle!

My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break.

Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."

The priest nods in agreement.

The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.

The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest.

The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"

The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."

[summond_skull]

this joke u may need to think about for a few minutes


Lost far from a home

A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out the car.

The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park...and couldn't find his way home. " Oy Morris ", said grandma, " You've been going to that park for over 30 years ! So how could you get lost ? " Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear. Morris whispered, " I wasn't lost.....I was just too tired to walk home."



bad grandpa

[summond_skull]

now bar jokes

They are stopped by the police

John & Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."

Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."

So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, will you shut up!"

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"

Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."

[summond_skull]

betting in a bar what next?

A bet made at the local bar

A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass."

The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"

The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar."

[summond_skull]

ok i tried to hide and then..............

Bad luck finding a place to hide
A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight." The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one." The bartender pours the drink, but says, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"

So, the man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought, "Wow, this has never happened before." You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the blonde leans over and asks if I'd like to come back to her hotel to have dinner and talk for a while. I couldn't believe this was happening, and I hadn't had a good meal in quite a while. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. This seemed just too good to be true."

He continued, "She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. She said to relax, watch some TV, and that she would be ready to go down to the restaurant in a few minutes. But, as soon as I put my feet up and reclined my chair, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door."

"The blonde says, 'Oh my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight, he's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'"

"So, I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me."

The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point."

"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, 'Who you been with now, you witch?' The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now calm down.'"

Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?' I think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now.'

But, the blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I hear water running for a long time; I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"

The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have gotten me mad for sure." "No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold onto this glass."

The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset."

"No, that wasn't what really got me so angry though."

The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did finally make you anger?"

"Well, I was hanging on the window, and I turned around and looked down--I was only about six inches off the ground."

[summond_skull]

i think that last one was halarious.

am goin on holiday and i'm not back for 5 days until then can someone please fill in for?

i'd really apretiate it

[summond_skull]

ok seeing itz the summer here r a few traveling jokes lol

You're in the Desert

16 Ways of Knowing You're in the Desert

You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
You can make instant sun tea.
You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.
No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

Don't do while driving
We do not advise following any of the below driving rules to any extent. Driving should be taken seriously at all times. The below jokes are simply here for entertainment purposes.

When using a metered entrance ramp, vehicles in the carpool lane do not need to stop. Similarly, vehicles NOT in the diamond lane also do not need to stop.

If, at any time, you have witnessed a green light, it is okay to proceed through the intersection, regardless of the current color of the light.

The shoulder becomes a lane if you are driving a Porsche.

If you paid more than $60,000 for your car, you automatically have the right of way, regardless of the situation. This is especially applicable in parking lots.

Drive as quickly as possible through parking structures. Pass any open spot by at least four car lengths before backing up to claim it. Disregard the angry mob that has formed behind you.

Get to know your horn. Use it as often as possible.

While driving on the freeway and talking on your cell phone, alternate between 45 and 100 MPH. This is especially effective if driving in the fast lane.

Every lane is the suicide lane.

Always set the alarm to its most sensitive setting before leaving your car in a parking ramp.

During rush hour, drivers should pass the time by reading Deepak Chopra or L. Ron Hubbard, and practice inner peace when cut off by a Mercedes.

If you miss your exit, no worries. Just cut across six lanes of traffic and drive over the divider. If you really weren't supposed to cross it, they would make it out of concrete instead of icicle plants.

For parking purposes, all SUVs are compact cars. Honest.

To calculate the proper speed limit on the freeway, subtract your age from 100. Double this number if your car has dual exhaust. Conversely, add your age to 100 if you are driving on the 101 or suffering from a midlife crisis.

If a cop attempts to pull you over, give chase. You won't get away, but it's guaranteed you'll make live TV. Towards the end of the chase, be sure to throw random items out of your window. It will give the reporters something to talk about on the 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, and 11 o'clock news.

Never use your turn signal, unless of course you are on the freeway with no intention of merging.

Totally disregard on-coming traffic.

If there are already three cars stopped at a four way stop, accelerate immediately. Otherwise, one of those cars might go ahead of you!

Rush hour at the 101/405 interchange is from 5 AM to 11 PM, except around holidays that create airport traffic, when hours are extended to 3 AM.

Never Carpool.

Take full advantage of your right to U-turn. Laugh aloud at people from other states who turn around in driveways.

In case of rain, immediately pull over. You can not drive in any sort of precipitation.

While driving uphill, do not down shift. While driving downhill, ride your brakes.

When parking on a hill, turn your wheels out, set the emergency brake, remove radio face, enable the alarm, and put The Club ™ on your steering wheel.

On narrow canyon roads, feel free to use the center divider as a passing lane.

[summond_skull]

ok i admit the last joke was kinda crap so heres a few good ones comin up with in the hour


Bum in need of food

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with me too!", he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" The second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The rich man replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!"

[summond_skull]

i like that last joke


Arguing about the sign


A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic.

What the driver didn't know was that a policeman was watching the intersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks away.

Policeman: "License, registration and proof of insurance please."

Driver: "Before I give it to you, tell me what the heck you stopped me for, man."

Policeman: "Watch your tone sir; you ran the stop sign back there!!"

Driver: "Man, I slowed down, what the heck is the difference!?!"

The police officer pulled out his night stick and began smashing it over the man's head and shoulders.

Policeman: "Now, do you want me to just slow down or stop!!!?