A Bit Of A Laugh

[Barbarossa]

Originally posted by baccy_man+9 December 2003 - 20:16--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (baccy_man &#064; 9 December 2003 - 20:16)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> A Zebra in a circus became sick. So the owner decided it to leave it in a farm until it recovered. After a few days the zebra was well enough to walk around, and so he decided to take a walk around the farm.
While going around he met a chicken, and he said, "I am a Zebra, I work in a circus. Who are you?"

The chicken replied, "I am a chicken, I scratch the ground and lay eggs."

He then met a cow, and after similar introduction, the cow said, "I am a cow, I say moo, and I give milk. When I can&#39;t give milk, they eat me."

After he had met all the animals, he approached the last - a bull. "I am a Zebra, I work in the circus. Who are you, and what do you do?"

The bull said, "Take off those pajamas and I&#39;ll show you who I am and what I do." [/b]

You already posted this on the

<!--QuoteBegin-baccy_man@2 December 2003 - 23:49
A Zebra in a circus became sick. So the owner decided it to leave it in a farm until it recovered. After a few days the zebra was well enough to walk around, and so he decided to take a walk around the farm.
While going around he met a chicken, and he said, "I am a Zebra, I work in a circus. Who are you?"

The chicken replied, "I am a chicken, I scratch the ground and lay eggs."

He then met a cow, and after similar introduction, the cow said, "I am a cow, I say moo, and I give milk. When I can&#39;t give milk, they eat me."

After he had met all the animals, he approached the last - a bull. "I am a Zebra, I work in the circus. Who are you, and what do you do?"

The bull said, "Take off those pajamas and I&#39;ll show you who I am and what I do."
[/quote]

New jokes only please&#33;&#33;

[baccyman]

A husband and wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don&#39;t have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can&#39;t believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ... "HEBREWS"

[baccyman]

There is a space shuttle mission with 2 monkeys and a woman on board. The headquarters in the US calls: "Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 to the television screen." He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature of engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So monkey #1 does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.
A few moments later headquarters calls again: "Monkey number 2, monkey number 2 to the television screen." He sits down and he is told to add carbon dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radtiation. The monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.

A little later on, headquarters calls again: "Woman, please woman, approach the screen." She sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says.....

"I know I know&#33;&#33; Feed the monkeys, and don&#39;t touch anything else."

[baccyman]

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?"
The host said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife."

"What&#39;s he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.

"My ex-wife" replied the hunter.

[baccyman]

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year he&#39;d love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let&#39;s do it&#33; We&#39;ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune&#33; I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can&#39;t take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can&#39;t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the behind and said, &#39;Well babe, is it snuggling or golf?&#39; and she said, "Take a sweater

[baccyman]

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.
They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.

As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.

Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation.

She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I&#39;m sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."

George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please don&#39;t give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn&#39;t said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."

[baccyman]

A physically large guys meets a woman at a bar, and after a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place.
As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for ... the act, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms, and says "See there, baby? That&#39;s 1000 pounds of dynamite&#33;".

She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, and strikes a muscle builders pose, and says, referring to his bulging legs "See those, baby? That&#39;s 1000 pounds of dynamite&#33;".

She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to run out the door, and asks

"Why are you in such a hurry to leave?".

She replies "with 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow&#33;"

[baccyman]

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled."we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6, 7,8,9,10&#33;"
"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I&#39;m blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it&#39;s because you&#39;re blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G&#33;"

"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I&#39;m blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, pumpkin, it&#39;s because you&#39;re blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these&#33;" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I&#39;m blonde, mommy?"
"No .... it&#39;s because you&#39;re 25."

[baccyman]

A son comes home from college to West Virginia and tells his dad about a wonderful girl he’s met. “Dad, she’s fantastic. She’s smart, in great shape, and she’s getting her teaching certificate this spring. I’m going to ask her to marry me, but…” “But what, son?” asks the father. “She’s a virgin.” The father scratches his beard and says, “Son, if she ain’t good enough for her own family, she damn sure ain’t good enough for ours.”

[baccyman]

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I’ve been with a loose woman.” The priest sighs. “Is that you, little Tommy O’Shaughnessy?” “Yes, Father, ’tis I.” “And who might be the woman you were with?” “I shan’t be tellin’ you, Father. It would ruin her reputation.” “Well, Tommy, I’m bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O’Malley?” “I cannot say.” “Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?” “I’ll never tell.” “Was it Lisa O’Shanter?” “I’m sorry, but I’ll not name her.” “Was it Cathy O’Dell?” “My lips are sealed.” “Was it Fiona Mallory, then?” “Please, Father, I cannot tell you.” The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re a steadfast lad, Tommy O’ Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now.” Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?” “Five more good leads&#33;”