A Bit Of A Laugh

[baccyman]

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the night of August 24th?"
"Objection!" said the defence attorney. "Irrelevant!"

"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I don't mind answering the question."

"I object!" the defence said again. "No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."

The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defence to object."

So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of August 24th?"

The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know."

[baccyman]

10 DOG PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS
1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not very funny at all!

2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?

[baccyman]

A man woke up one morning to find his wife packing her bags.
"Where the heck are you going?" demanded the husband.

The wife replied, "You know all this free sex I've been giving you all these years? Well I just found out I can get $200 a shot for it out in Las Vegas."

With that the husband jumped out of bed and began packing HIS bags, too.

"Where do you think you're going?" demanded the wife.

"I want to see how you can live on $400 a year!"

[baccyman]

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began? California...? Oregon...? Switzerland...? Here's the real version...
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up To a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That fellow is traveling through," said the farmer. "He needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without ! even saying good-bye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night.

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....

LAIDTHEOLADEETOO

[baccyman]

There is a story about a popular young Baptist preacher, who on Sunday morning announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract, and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.
Brother William (Bubba) Scoles, who owns several car dealer- ships, stands up and announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a minivan, to transport their children!" The congregation amens, and applauds.

Brother Billy Bob Tindall, the entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the preacher stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!" More amens and applause.

Sister Ella May Rouse, aged 70, stands and announces, "If the preacher stays, I'll give him sex!"

There is a hush. The preacher, blushing, asks, "Sister Ella May, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sister Ella May answers, "I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw the preacher.'"

[baccyman]

John and Sam are two neighbors always in competition. One day John walks over to the fence of Sam's yard and sees Sam's wife watering the garden naked. The next day he tells Sam about this. So Sam wants revenge. That night he catches John's wife performing oral sex on John.
The next day Sam comes up to John and says, ''Hey, I saw your wife performing oral sex on you last night.''

''Hah,'' John says, ''I wasn't home last night!''

[baccyman]

A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn't find any buyers. She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car.
"235,000 miles." Her friend told her that was the problem. But the blonde's friend told her that her brother is a mechanic and could put back the miles to whatever she wanted. So the blonde went to the mechanic and told him to put the miles at 40,000. Two days later the blond's friend asked her if she sold the car since her brother dropped the miles. The blonde told her, "Why would I sell the car? There are only 40,000 miles on it!"

[baccyman]

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day.
One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?"

"I don't know," responded the other. "I will ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss.

"Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?"

"Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, 'intelligence'?"

The boss said, "Well, I will show you. I will put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can."

The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss's hand.

The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree.

The boss said, "That is intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence."

"What is intelligence?" said the friend.

The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said,

Take your shovel and hit my hand."

[baccyman]

A crusty old paratrooper colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance. One of them approached the colonel for conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"

"No," the colonel said, "just serious by nature!"

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations, and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The colonel's short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said: "You know, you should lighten up a little... relax and enjoy yourself."

The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "well there you go, you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously... I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"

The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know... It's only 2130 now."

[baccyman]

Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride.
"What's the problem?"

"I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of contract," snapped the oil man.

"I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a piece of property, you don't own her!"

"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin' rights!"