A Bit Of A Laugh

[cpt_azad]

lmao

[Monkeee]

Originally posted by baccy_man@19 July 2004 - 20:56
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave.
The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die. . ."

nice one

[baccyman]

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.
She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.

Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."



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A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed.
The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away. The supervisor, checking up at the end of the day, found that the blonde had completed 4 miles on her first day, double the average! "Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work out." The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished 2 miles. The supervisor thought, "Well, she's still at the average, and I don't want to discourage her. I'll just keep quiet."

On the third day, the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse." The boss pulled the new employee in and said, "You were doing so great. The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's keeping you from meeting the 2-mile minimum?"

The blonde replied, "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket."

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A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, "Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night." The priest is silent for a moment, then says, "Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp."

"And I'll be forgiven?" asks the man.

"No," replies the priest, "but it will wipe that %#@*&^ smirk off your face."



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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The salesgirl notices him and asks if she can help him. He answers that he was looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"

"You see it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure,... if I have to roll my own, so does she!"

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Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"

"22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview&#33 and realized he wouldn't get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."



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Two men went golfing. One man took his pipe out of his gold bag and asked the other one if he had a lighter. The other man pulled out a 12-inch Bic lighter and handed it to him. The first man said "Where did you get that?"

The second man said, "From my genie." The man pulled a lamp out of his bag and rubbed it. The genie appeared and asked what he wanted. He said a million bucks and the genie went back into the lamp. As soon as he disappeared, a million ducks flew overhead.

"Wait a minute," the first man said, "that's not what you asked for."

The second man said, "My genie has bad hearing. Do you really think I asked for a 12-inch Bic?"

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This morning I was standing next to a very fat fellow at a urinal when suddenly for no discernible reason he confided in me that he "hadn't seen his thing in 15 years".

Not knowing why he suddenly decided to confide such personal information to a complete stranger, and not knowing what else to say and wanting to be helpful, I said, "Why don't you diet?"

Giving me a surprised sideways stare, he said,

"Dye it? What color is it now?"



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A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to the impresario.

"I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it will amaze you."

He proceeds to climb a tall tower, and jumps off. He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows. He soars forward, then swoops upward, turns and swoops back again. Finally he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground.

The impresario stares blankly at him for a long time. Finally he says, "Is that all you've got? Bird imitations?"

[baccyman]

a picture from iraq

[baccyman]

KY Jelly have jumped on the Millennium bandwagon with the slogan for their new product:
"Y2K-Y Jelly : when you want to put four digits where only two could fit before"



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Things were not going well that Sunday...
The young minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

To further complicate things, he found out that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minuteThe substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Well, here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.

"After the choir's anthem, the minister came to the pulpit and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we face a great challenge today... The roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Now, any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.

"At precisely that moment, the quick thinking substitute organist played a stirring rendition of "The Star-Spangled Banner!"

And that is how the substitute organist became the permanent organist.

[Autumn Fox]

Originally posted by baccy_man@23 July 2004 - 18:20
KY Jelly have jumped on the Millennium bandwagon with the slogan for their new product:
"Y2K-Y Jelly : when you want to put four digits where only two could fit before"
(...)

I don't get it.

[ilw]

digits as in fingers or if its the y2k thing you didn't understand, the main y2k bug was that computers with only 2 digits storing the year eg 1999 -> 99 would think that 2000 -> 00 was before 99 and do all sorts of stupid things

[baccyman]

Corporal Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Corporel Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $250,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6,000.

Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"



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A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: A brand new Ferrari GTO. It is the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, Sonny?"

The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young man proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph! Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly whoooooosssshhhhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

What on Earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosssshhhhh! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive.He runs up to the old man and says, "Oh my God! Are you OK? Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers... "Unhook...my...suspenders...from... your.... side view mirror."

[baccyman]

The college girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible for her English class and the instructions were that it had to include Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.
She was the only one who received an A+ and this is what she wrote:

Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it.



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There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line, you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress".

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?" He asked.

"No!" the director screamed, "You forgot the bloody rose!

[baccyman]

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, walking back and forth and never once getting angry.

So finally, a second customer asked why didn't they just throw out the pest. "Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."



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As the President is getting off the helicopter in front of the White House, he has a baby pig under each arm.
The Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for VP Cheney, and I got one for Defense Secretary Rumsfeld."

The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and replies, "Nice trade, sir."



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A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase it's sales so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon a local "redneck" pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him pick a number from (1) to (10), if he guessed correctly, he would get his Free sex. The buyer then guessed (8), the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up, again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed (2) this time, again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." Bubba replied, "No it ain't Billy Ray, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."