A Bit Of A Laugh

[baccyman]

Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.
His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.

Joe asked "what's wrong?" It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired"

[baccyman]

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?", he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?", he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

[baccyman]

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"



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[baccyman]

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me. So I quick grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, by the grace of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory voice, he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle...WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestle down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a crick. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship - feasting on God's Holy Word and praising Jesus." They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy, You fellows don't know what trouble is until you try to circumcise one of those hairy buggers!

[baccyman]

A man is walking around the streets of New York one day when he spies an old friend of his from college. "Boris!" he yells. "I haven't seen you in ages! How have you been? What are you doing?"
"Well," Boris replies. "I am the piccolo player for the International Orchestra." "Spectacular!" the man replies.

"It is not what you might think, my friend. We play for the king of England, he loves the music. He says 'Fill the instruments with gold!' and they fill the tuba with gold, and they fill the trombone with gold, and me with the goddamn piccolo.

"We play for the queen of France. She loves the music; she says 'Fill the instruments with silver!' and they fill the tuba with silver and they fill the trombone with silver, and me with the goddamn piccolo.

"Then we play for the czar of Russia. He hates the music; he says 'Shove the instruments up their asses!' and the tuba doesn't fit and the trombone doesn't fit, AND ME WITH THE GODDAMN PICCOLO!"

[baccyman]

A Zebra in a circus became sick. So the owner decided it to leave it in a farm until it recovered. After a few days the zebra was well enough to walk around, and so he decided to take a walk around the farm.
While going around he met a chicken, and he said, "I am a Zebra, I work in a circus. Who are you?"

The chicken replied, "I am a chicken, I scratch the ground and lay eggs."

He then met a cow, and after similar introduction, the cow said, "I am a cow, I say moo, and I give milk. When I can't give milk, they eat me."

After he had met all the animals, he approached the last - a bull. "I am a Zebra, I work in the circus. Who are you, and what do you do?"

The bull said, "Take off those pajamas and I'll show you who I am and what I do."

[baccyman]

A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a daddy longlegs." her father answered.

"So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied.

"Both of them are daddy longlegs,"

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat.

"Well, we're not having THAT sort of sh*t in our garden."

[baccyman]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

[RGX]

Keep this up Baccy man, as long as you can, great thread

[baccyman]

thank you will going for a while yet