a bit of a laugh pt 2

[baccyman]

i had a problem with my computer for a few days that is why there were no jokes for a few days
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A crumbling old church building needed remodeling, so, during his sermon, the preacher made an impassioned appeal looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the sermon, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."
Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder

. He promptly stood back up and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000."

Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge."

He sat down, and a larger chunk of plaster fell on his head.

He stood up once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!" This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"



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Two brothers were always getting into trouble in their neighborhood. The people in the neighborhood started complaining to the parents about the boys. So the boys parents decided to have their priest talk to the boys. The priest asks to speak to the boys alone, requesting to see the youngest first. The young boy comes in and sits at a large table across the room from the priest. The priest looks at the boy, points at him and, trying to emphasize that God is in everyone, asks, "Where is God?" The boy looks around the room and back at the priest and says nothing. Again, the priest points at the boy and in a louder voice asks, "Where is God?" The boy says nothing. The priest walks around the table, pointing inches from the boy’s face and asks again, "Where is God?" The boy jumps out of his chair and runs out the door. The boy runs right home, grabs his older brother and says to him, "We are in BIG trouble!" His brother replies, "We haven't done anything!" The younger brother replies, "God's missing, and they think we did it!"

[baccyman]

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business."
He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million."

After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says "Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas."

He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul, go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand."

He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card."

"What? The dealer has...!"

"Take a card!"

He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy.

"Saul, take another card."

"What?"

"TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands.

"But I have twenty!" Saul shouts.

"TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice.

"Hit me," says Saul. He gets another ace. Twenty one.

The booming voice goes: "Un-f*cking-believable!"



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A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

[baccyman]

"At the Cannes film festival, John Kerry's daughter was wearing a see-through dress where you could actually see her breasts.
And just like a Kerry, they somehow managed to lean both ways."
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A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "M" on her chest.

"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

[baccyman]

Following Smith's physical, Dr. Bernard sent his patient a bill.
A month went by without a remittance, the office sent the first letter... another bill, and then another, and then a fourth, but no payment came...

Finally he sent Smith a pathetic letter, claiming desperately strained circumstances and enclosing a shot of his infant daughter.

On the back of the snapshot he wrote, "The reason I desperately need the money you owe me!"

Barely a week later a response from Smith arrived in the mail.

Dr. Bernard ripped it open eagerly, and found himself holding a picture of a gorgeous woman in a full length mink coat.

On the back of the photograph the patient had scrawled, "The reason I can't pay!"



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An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So, he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. "So, they're trying to replace me," thinks the old rooster. "I've got to do something about this!"
He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around the hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on", he said, "and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easily."

So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on.

After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead.

After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little--but he's still hanging in there.

Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella.

By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself, "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

[cpt_azad]

This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"
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"Hit me," says Saul. He gets another ace. Twenty one.

The booming voice goes: "Un-f*cking-believable!"




"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
awesome

LMFAO

[baccyman]

Well, little Johnny was going to his room, when he saw his sister in her room laying on her bed naked, feeling her self, saying "A man, I want A man I need a man!"
Little Johnny just walked by later, he passed her room again, and saw a man an top of his sister. He thought and ran to his room, got naked, laid on his bed feeling himself and said "a bike, I want a bike..."



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The Sunday sermon was, Forgive Your Enemies, and toward the end of the service, the precher asked his congregation,” How many of you have forgiven their enemies?”
About half held up their hands

. He then repeated his question. As it was past lunchtime, this time about 80 percent held up their hands. He then repeated his question again. All responded, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones?" Inquired the preacher; "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-three." She replied.

"Oh Mrs. Jones, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. Would you please come down in front of this congregation and tell us all how a person can live ninety-three years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

They all died "I outlived them all!"

[cpt_azad]

Well, little Johnny was going to his room, when he saw his sister in her room laying on her bed naked, feeling her self, saying "A man, I want A man I need a man!"
Little Johnny just walked by later, he passed her room again, and saw a man an top of his sister. He thought and ran to his room, got naked, laid on his bed feeling himself and said "a bike, I want a bike..."

LMFAO poor kid won't get his bike though

[baccyman]

A kid had been fooling around with fireworks in his back yard. He ran in through the back door loudly proclaiming, " Mum, Mum, I just stuck a Roman Candle up a duck's ass"
His mother, dismayed with this turn of phrase corrects the child. "Rectum dear, rectum."

The boy responded, "Wrecked 'im? Nearly blew his f*cking head off!"



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The minister had just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.
The first Sunday after the surgery, he only preached for 10 minutes.

The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.

But, on the third Sunday he preached for 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way:

"The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures and I couldn't stop talking!"



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Three high-school pals were walking on the boardwalk when they saw the most gorgeous girl in a string bikini. Two of the guys let out wolf whistles and stared their eyes out, but Bubba, the third guy, took to his heels in the opposite direction.
A few days later all three were walking on the boardwalk again and saw the same girl, this time wearing nothing but the bikini bottom. And again, two of the guys went ape while Bubba ran for his life.

So when the guys saw the girl for the third time --- this time she's stark naked --- the other two guys grabbed Bubba before he could get away.

Shaking him by the shoulders, they shouted, "Why are you running away from a gorgeous sight like that, you jerk?"

Trembling, Bubba blurted out, "See, it's like this, my mom told me if I ever looked at a naked woman I'd turn into stone... and I felt something getting hard!"

[baccyman]

One night a guy got really polluted. In the morning, he rolled over and sleeping peacefully beside him was the ugliest girl he'd ever seen.
Very quietly, he slipped his arm out from under her, got up, and dressed as fast as he could. He put a twenty-dollar bill on the bureau and started to tip-toe out.

Just then he felt a tug on his pant leg. Looking down, he saw a girl just as ugly as the one in the bed.

She looked up at him, smiled a toothless smile, and asked,
"What? Nothing for the bridesmaid?"



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FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don't think so. *Click*

[baccyman]

A man had been drinking at a pub all night when the bartender finally decided to close up shop. So the man stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’d crawl outside and get some fresh air to try to sober up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again!!” “What makes you say that?” he asked, putting on an innocent look. “The pub called—you left your wheelchair there again.”