Its hit the fan again!

[Mr JP Fugley]

Feck Les, she's even got you paying for filesharing. The clues in the name mate.

[Biggles]

Feck Les, she's even got you paying for filesharing. The clues in the name mate.

Teh Shame!

Plus, apart from the rather flash version of Limeware, I have no idea what the veritable cascade of software I got for me money is supposed to do.

[GepperRankins]

limewire sucks, mang

[peat moss]

Sara , thats so sad your ex is a dick head but hope he wakes up to the fact you can't get these years back . Hows your relationship with his girlfriend maybe a meeting with them over coffee to discuss the problem ? Take someone with you for support tho . Good luck I'v been there, mine was wanting more time with my other boy .

Was surprised how supportive the stepfather was ,we have a great relationship now .

[Rat Faced]

Sara,

I dont contact my kids when i dont have them either.

Its not because i dont care, there isnt a day goes by that i dont miss them like crazy..

Its because i think they need some sort of settled life, more than they need to see me more often.

I think it is much easier on them if they (and their Mother & her Husband) arent seeing me when i dont have them. I know that they still give their mam grief after i see them.. (why did you split up, i want to stay/go with dad etc etc) .. and that must cause stress between her, the kids and her new husband.

If she and her new husband are stressed, it would be easy to spill over onto the kids..

If they really want me for some reason, they all have my phone number. If not, they know when they'll see me.


Although i can call my ex for many things and often do, she hasn't tried to turn the kids against me, that im aware of, and i wouldt dream of doing that to her either. Kids need both parents... but they need their mam most.

[sArA]

If that all works well for you RF, obviously that is fine. However, it is not the same situation. My kids stopped seeing their dad for 2 months because he was being so horrible to them and he is suppossed to be rebuilding the relationship. More general contact was requested by the kids so that they felt like he was interested in their lives. Oh...and the idea of me and their dad getting back together has never ever come up.

I get grief due to their dad being a twat, they come home upset because of the way he treats them, and then I have to try and comfort them and remind them that he does love them (although sometimes its hard to tell). You have met the BF yourself so you know he is a nice man, the kids like him a lot and are settling in well to the new routine of him living with us. The only tension there is when their dad is being nasty to me and BF wants to defend me but he feels he has to hold back for the sake of the kids.

As an aside, one day recently, the ex was particularly nasty in his threats and slagging me off. The BF was about ready to go and 'have words' with him. my daughter, aware of the situation stated that if he did go and 'have words' she wouldn't blame him at all. Another incident where her dad pleads poverty on the one hand, and talks about going on holiday to Zimbabwe with his GF on the other....she stated that it would probably be better if he stayed there. As you can tell, he has a lot of work to do to convince the kids that he gives a fuck.

I am sure that is not the case with you and your kids.

[thewizeard]

Sad to hear your children are suffering, Sara, that always happens when parents split..and of course you are suffering too. I, like Paul, don't contact my children outside of the visiting times, for the same reason. I am always reachable if they need me. Sometimes my ex phones me if she cant pick them up from school on time and they are allowed to phone me whever they wish... I do miss my kids terribly...but I have to respect the new life my ex is trying to (re)build...

He's done wrong by not making more of an effort but perhaps he simply feels awkward and doesn't know the right way to go about it. At every opportunity they should be reminded that Daddy still loves them very much and he left for reasons of a different nature. This should be instilled into them.

I feel that manker has got the right angle on it though.... Contact your ex, preferably in person, if possible..let him know clearly what damage he is inflicting on your children and what he can do to improve things...and if he does not start putting in more effort...it might soon be too late...

I wish you strengh.

[Busyman]

1. He's a twat.

2. Don't bias the children against him; he's doing it for them.

3. Don't sugarcoat their father either.

[sArA]

I feel that manker has got the right angle on it though.... Contact your ex, preferably in person, if possible..let him know clearly what damage he is inflicting on your children and what he can do to improve things...and if he does not start putting in more effort...it might soon be too late...

Been there, done that, still trying to get the message across despite him always talking over me, jumping to conclusions, slagging me off and never listening to me or the kids.

I think that after nearly 5 years of trying to get him to understand how to be 'about right' with the children we are close to giving up. Some people never will 'get it' no matter how much people try to explain. He isn't bad, just completely lacking in any empathy and totally selfish.

The saddest part really is the fact that the children, are having to come to terms with their own conclusions that their dad is a twat. This they find embarrassing and upsetting. However, I have noticed that since they have stopped looking for excuses for him and blaming themselves (he is good at making them feel guilty with his sackcloth and ashes routines) they seem more content at home, less edgy in general and able to see some of the humour in what he does as it is sometimes so crap that its funny.

He is losing them I am afraid, and it is not in an angry way, it is more of a 'yeah yeah whatever' way. I am not saying that the damage is irretrievable but they can see for themselves that he doesn't really 'get it' when they try to talk to him about how they feel. They relate their stories of their attempts to talk to him, and we have to laugh at his total misreading of what they say.

He will have to change so many things to repair the damage now, I don't know if he can be arsed to try. So far, his attempts to improve things consist of putting a couple of posters on their bedroom walls, thereby missing the point again. Its not material and practical things that piss them off, it is his attitude all the way.

[ruthie]

Sara,
Although it's been years, this is sadly familiar. My son had a terrible time with his father. His father would promise to come.and not. I remember Ki getting ready and sitting, waiting, calling, waiting, crying, angry, and waiting..literally waiting for six months sometimes. Sometimes, after months of no contact, the shmuck would knock on our door..I'd throw him out. My son figureded tings out on his own, but it was incredibly painful watching him go through all the involved emotions that accompany rejection. I will add..we lived less then a mile from each other. My son is 22 now and does have a relationship with his father, albeit a strange one. Interesting how now the father whines how he doesn't hear from Ki much..but then again, life's a bitch. ROFL.
Good luck to you. It is not an easy situation, and it is unfortunate that our kids so often pay the price. They sound pretty in touch with what's going on. I would not force them to see him either, unless there is that nasty little court order one can get here...of course, my son's father finally got one, and then didn't come see Ki anyway.