Prostitute Jokes

[FuNkY CaPrIcOrN]

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read:

"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."

:lol:

[FuNkY CaPrIcOrN]

A girl was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day,
the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, the girl told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some."Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewilderedand exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear.
I just take my dentures out and suck them dry."

:lol:

[FuNkY CaPrIcOrN]

CONTRACTOR OR PROSTITUTE?


1. You work very odd hours.

2. You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.

3. Your pimp gets most of the money.

4. You spend a lot of your time in a hotel room.

5. You charge by the hour but your time can be extended for the right price.

6. You are not proud of what you do.

7. Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.

8. You have no job satisfaction.

9. If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.

10. You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.

11. People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.

12. Your friends have distanced themselves from you and you're left hanging with only other "professionals."

13. Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.

14. Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.

15. Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or BMWs.

16. You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is foolish enough to pay it's not your problem.

17. When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).

18. You are rated on your "performance" in an excruciating ordeal.

19. Even though you get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks away smiling.

20. The client always thinks your "cut" of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.

21. When you deduct your "take" from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.

22. Everyday you wake up and tell yourself, "I'm not going to be doing this stuff the rest of my life."

23. Your client and pimp seem more concerned about how you look than what you know.

24. Your pimp doesn't care what you have to do to please the client.

25. Your pimp can't perform your job.

26. You're required to play roles for money.

27. Your customer doesn't always want others to know everything they request.


:lol:

[FuNkY CaPrIcOrN]

THE PROSTITUTE'S HEART TRANSPLANT


A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant.

The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said, "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?"

The doctor replied, "Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely good health, apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?"

The patient's friend replied, "She's been working since she was 18 years old, but what's that got to do with anything?"

"Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for 16 years and hasn't rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to start now!"

:lol:

[FuNkY CaPrIcOrN]

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
Full.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three prostitutes are chatting in a bar one night and the topic comes up on how loose they are. The first one says, "Oh, three fingers." The second says, "Gotcha beat, my whole fist!" The third one just laughs and slides down the bar stool.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While in the back of a police car, one of the policemen asks a couple of prostitutes, "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz before ?" One of them replied, "no, but I've been swung around by the tits."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q, What's the difference between a drug pusher and a hooker?
A. The hooker can wash her crack and resell it. :lol:

[FuNkY CaPrIcOrN]

An old man, holidaying in Las Vegas, decides to visit a brothel, as it has been a long time since he's had any. After paying the madam, he picks out a cute little blonde girl, and they go upstairs. After the preliminaries, he climbs on and starts humping away, and hollers out, "How am I doing, honey?"
She replies, "About three nots."
He says, "Three knots? What does that mean?"
She says, "You're not in, you're not hard, and you're not getting your money back!-
:lol:

[FuNkY CaPrIcOrN]

A guy walks into a whorehouse and tells one of the girls he wants a blowjob. The girl takes him to a room and proceeds suck him off without a condom. While she does so, the guy sees a half-full bucket of sperm beside the bed. He disregards the strange site as he enjoys the best blowjob of his life. A second later, he shoots long lines of semen into her mouth. She takes every drop, but instead of swallowing, she spits the cum into that damned bucket. The guy wonders aloud, "Don't like swallowing spuzz, huh?"
She wipes her mouth and replies, "Another girl and I have a bet. Whoever fills up a bucket first gets to drink both buckets." :lol:

[FuNkY CaPrIcOrN]

The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were dishevelled and he looked needy. "Can I help you?" the madam asked.
"I want Natasha," the old man replied.
"Sir, Natasha is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."
"No, I must see Natasha." Just then Natasha appeared and announced to the old man that she charges £1,000 for each visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her twenty £50.00 notes. She took his hand and they went up To her room for an hour and then the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again, demanding Natasha. Natasha explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts ... it was still £1,000. Again the old man took out the Money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natasha the money and they went up to the room. At the end of the hour, Natasha questioned the old man. "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?"
The old man replied, "I am from London."
"Really?" replied Natasha, "I have a sister who lives there."
"Yes, I know," said the old man. "She gave me £3,000 to give to you."

:lol:

[FuNkY CaPrIcOrN]

A koala walks into a bar one night, slams his paw down on the table, and orders a drink. When he's done, slam goes his paw again for more. This goes on for about half an hour, and just when he was going to do it again, the barkeep told him if he was looking for a good time, there was some one in the back room who could help him, the koala decides why not and goes into the back room. There he meets a prostitute who is waiting for him. That night he has the best sex he has ever had. After the prostitute turns to the koala and says, "How about my money," the koala looked confused and the prostitute brought out a dictionary and it said...PROSTITUTE: Has sex for money.
So in response the koala turn to the definition for the koala and it says. KOALA: Eats bush and leaves.
:lol:

[FuNkY CaPrIcOrN]

Clinton is out jogging around in some of the seedier areas of Washington D.C. He notices a good looking prostitute. She sees this and calls out: "Fifty dollars!" He is tempted, but the price is a little high. So he calls back: "Five!" She is disappointed and turns away and Bill continues his jog.

A few days later, he finds himself jogging in the same area and as luck would have it, the prostitute is still there. But she want not come down on her price. "Fifty!" she shouts and Bill answers her: "Five!" No sale.

About a week later, Hillary has decided that she wants to get into shape so she demands to go jogging with Bill. They get to the seedy part of town and the same prostitute is still there. She eyes Bill and Hillary together and yells: "See what you get for five dollars!" :lol:

[FuNkY CaPrIcOrN]

An 80 year old man went to Hollywood to pick up a prostitute and get some action. He noticed one hooker in particular and started flirting with her. The prostitute started becoming annoyed and said, "Get lost old man! You're ruining business!"

"Sure would like to get some action tonight," said the old man.

"You've got to be kidding! You're too old! You're all finished."

"What did you say?" asked the old man.

"You heard me - you're all finished."

"Oh," replied the old man, "how much do I owe you?"

:lol:

[FuNkY CaPrIcOrN]

A guy goes to a whore house and walks up to the attendent. He says "I want a woman who will just lay there so I can just fuck her all night." the attendent says "Ok sir, just go up stairs and go into the first room to your right and you will find a woman there who you can fuck."

The guy leaves and goes to the room. Laying on the bed is a hot looking blond chick. The guy takes off his clothes, jumps on her and begins to fuck her. He does it everyware, on the bed, on the walls, sideways and all over the floor. After a few hours of intense fucking, white liquid starts comming out of the woman's mouth and nose. The guy panics and runs out the room to the attendent. The guy yells "Oh my god, I fucked her so hard that I think I killed her!" The attendent says "Just a miniute sir. HEY, THE DEAD ONE'S FULL ALREADY!"
:lol:

[FuNkY CaPrIcOrN]

A man comes from England to find out what the good old night life
is like in Toronto. As he was walking down the street he meets this
gorgeous whore who asks him if he would like a good time. He says
"Sure as long as it does not leave me broke" After a half-hour the
man suddenly stops, asks "Do you have aids?" to which her reply was
"no," and the gentlemen says "Good, wouldn't want to catch it
twice." :lol:

[FuNkY CaPrIcOrN]

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the madame. "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked. "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20." Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. At the second one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry, it isn't," said the madame. "If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked again. "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20." Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. His search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."

"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he questioned. "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir", said the madame while gesturing to a grotesque woman in her seventies in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

:lol:

[FuNkY CaPrIcOrN]

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign. It reads "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES". He pays no attention to it and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES" and thinks it over. When he drives past a third sign saying "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT", his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business". "Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door". He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: 'GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY'.

:lol:

[FuNkY CaPrIcOrN]

There were two Boys hiding in the bushes outside the local cat house. They would see these Men going in with a Twenty Dollar bill in there hand all down in the dumps looking real sad. But when they came out they had a big smile on there Faces and were real Happy.

One Boy asked the other I Wonder What is so good in there. The two boys decide to go see But only Had a Buck between them They go in and walk up to the Madam at the desk and say I Want A Bucks Worth Of what that last guy just got. The Madam Thinks for a bit and Pulls up her dress Runs her finger along her Pussy them puts her finger under there nose for a smell.

That will Be One Dollar Replies The Madam So the boys pay. As the boys are walking out the door One Boy Says to the other I Don't Think I Could Take Twenty Buck worth Of That

:lol:

[FuNkY CaPrIcOrN]

THE NEW HOOKER


The new hooker had just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.

She said, "Well, he was a big, muscular and handsome marine". "Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked. She said, "I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much. So I told him a blow job would be $75, but he didn't have that much either. Finally I said, 'well, how much do you have?'

"The marine said he only had $25. So I told him, "For $25 all I can give you is a hand job." He agreed, and after getting the finances straight, he pulled it out. I put one hand on it. Then, I put the other hand above that one." She paused, raised her eyebrows, and then continued, "Then I put the first hand _above_ the second hand..."

"Oh my God!" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge! Then what did you do?"

"I loaned him $75!

:lol:

[FuNkY CaPrIcOrN]

man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a nude couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house and knocked.

A well-dressed woman answered the door and the man asked what kind of a place this was. "This is a brothel," replied the madam.

"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.

"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."

:lol:

[FuNkY CaPrIcOrN]

Harry goes up to a whore and says, "How much for a blow job?" She says, "A hundred bucks."
He tries to talk her down, but she won't budge, so he agrees to pay the hundred. Then he starts to jack off.
She says, "What are you doing that for?" He says, "For a hundred bucks, do you think I'm gonna give you the easy one?"
:lol:

[FuNkY CaPrIcOrN]

A guy met a hooker on the street. He said, "Let's go out in the alley and get it on, I've got fifteen bucks."

"Fifteen bucks?" She scoffed, "For fifteen bucks, you can look at it." He agreed.

They went into the alley, she drops her drawers, and he went to his knees. It was dark, and he couldn't see anything, so he lit his lighter. "Gee, your pubic hair... it's so thick, so matted, so lustrous... it's beautiful."

"Thank you," she said.
He asked, "Can I ask you a personal question?" "Sure."
"Can you pee through all that hair?" he questioned. "Sure."
"Well, then you better start," he said, "because you're on fire!"

:lol:

[FuNkY CaPrIcOrN]

Three hookers are comparing notes about their customers from the night
before.

"I entertained a cowboy last night", says the first.

"How did you know he was a cowboy?", asks the second.

"Well, he wore a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and kept both the hat and
the boots on all the time we were together."

"Sounds like a cowboy, all right." the others say.

"I entertained a lawyer," announces the second. "I could tell because
he wore a three piece suit and packed a briefcase. He wore the vest
of the suit and hung on to the briefcase all the time."

They agree he sounded like a lawyer.

"I had a dirt farmer for a client," comments the third.

"How could you possibly know he was a dirt farmer?" she is asked.

"First he complained it was too dry, then he whined it was too wet,
then he asked if he could pay me in the fall."

:lol:

[FuNkY CaPrIcOrN]

A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny. So he
goes to the first whore house he sees. He only has five dollars,
so they kick him out.

The guy goes to the next one. But, since he only has five
dollars, he gets kicked out again.

So by this time, he's really super horny, so he goes to the next
one and says "Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny,
and I need a blow-job for 5 dollars!"

The guy there says "OK. For five dollars, we can give you a
penguin."

"What's a penguin?"

"You'll see."

So, the guy takes the $5 and leads the horny man to a bedroom.
The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin."
Soon, a whore comes in and starts giving the guy a blow job.
Just as he's about to let loose, she stops and walks away. Now,
the horny guy with his pants at his ankles, waddles after her,
shouting "HEY! WHAT'S A PENGUIN?!"

:lol:

[FuNkY CaPrIcOrN]

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up.
"Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor
asked.

"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest
cut, it seems to bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you
think I might be a hemophiliac?"

"Well," the doctor answered, "Hemophilia is a genetic disorder
and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a
woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much do you lose when
you have your period?" the doctor inquired.

After calculating for a moment the hooker replied, "Oh, about
seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess :lol:

[theX]

hehehehe :)

[Silver_82]

I sent some of those to my sister, haha :wacko:

[the flinger]

Funky, i hav a question.

i appreciate the jokes, but if you arent doing it to become a god, why dont u post all the jokes in one post!!!!

a novel idea, me thinks!

[FuNkY CaPrIcOrN]

Originally posted by the flinger@Nov 18 2002, 04:07 PM
Funky, i hav a question.

i appreciate the jokes, but if you arent doing it to become a god, why dont u post all the jokes in one post!!!!

a novel idea, me thinks!
;) Why don't all the others then Flinger,I am not the only one,at least I keep the topic of the jokes the same. :D

[jetje]

FC, i think Flinger has a point. And hé, your already a god the others are busy becoming one....
Indeed you keep on topic, i apreciate that, but really it woul read a lot easier for everyone if they're in one post. I agree they're also easier to skip. Personally like most of them and read "almost" all of them.

B) editted... saw a post of me not so long ago with this same sort of question....

[the flinger]

thx jetje

FC- its nice what you do to keep on topic, but was that what i was talking about at all?
seriously, no one cares what other people do.
when i see someone posting around 25 replies with individual jokes, i will ask them as well
if everyone at klite (pretended) to kill themselves, you would probably do it, wouldnt you..... :huh:

so just try it.
theres nothing after god, so its not like you can get off thinkin of becoming a super god :lol:

[jetje]

Originally posted by the flinger@Nov 19 2002, 12:01 AM
theres nothing after god, so its not like you can get off thinkin of becoming a super god :lol:
B) Flinger my K-lite sais Supreme being, you really can become it after God :lol:

[the flinger]

:lol: :lol: LOL, yous rite!

FC- go back to spamming the boards! :rolleyes: :lol:

[FuNkY CaPrIcOrN]

Originally posted by the flinger@Nov 18 2002, 07:39 PM
:lol: :lol: LOL, yous rite!

FC- go back to spamming the boards! :rolleyes: :lol:
:D TY :D

[jetje]

FC you did read the other two post before Flinger asked you to Spam the boards...... I hope :unsure:

[FuNkY CaPrIcOrN]

;) Yes I did jetji,but it seems like it is always something around here about what I do and not what somebody else does,in a few days after I post around 400 verified albums of music somebody is going to say funky why don't you put them all in 1 post,or now verifieds do not count as post,or something man,if people want to think I spam let them,I post jokes like everybody else,I talk about anything and everything in the lounge...like everybody else.I answer questions if somebody ask something and I have an answer.I know it sounds like I am bitching but I am not jetji.The jokes and the lounge rooms are off topic,people can do what they want,and as you can see I have not posted a joke in a few days,hell somebody posted a joke over in the lounge man,at least my shit stays in the right areas(or at least try to). :lol: :lol: ....going to go grab a beer because I can see that this topic is only going to get longer......bring it on. :lol: :lol:

[jetje]

The post in the lounge was probably me, but hey the guy who started the topic was asking for it. Notused2kazaa started to talk about religion or so (don´t understand what his post is about'.
Replied with something i got in the mail that morning. Was a mail bout why jesus was a jew.....
RF pointed me out you already posted it (but i´ve must have mist it). Was a good one though.

Yeah, i read all the discussions, taking my part in some. And maybe you´re a bit right they are always biting your tail. But think that´s a bit because you stormed into this scene like a huricane man.
The days of dissapearing posts, I was that night on the board. Really couldn´t believe my eyes.
You made about 170 posts in a few hours. Some people think that´s just a way to atrack attention or something like that. (I personally think you must have gotten RSI that night). You also talk ´bout almost everything, and not minding to step on some toes too. Remember the `duels` with Share daddy, Colt. There are people who don´t like it that way..... If you´re just like me, like to read all the new stuff, you sometimes are so disencouraged by seeing you have to go through 200 non readed posts. Only there for, it would be nice if we `compress` some of our posts. Like to see you post al the stuff. Think it´s all a lot of fun, but also think we have to find a way to keep it fun for everyone.... It´s just as in the real world FC.

So it´s not just you, we all have to give and take, and respect other peoples opinions. And sometimes try to make a sign of good will (sorry don´t know the propper word for it...) B)

[FuNkY CaPrIcOrN]

:D Yeah Share Daddy and Colt are my freinds,especially Colt.....he just don't know about it. :lol: :lol:
Thanks for that reply jetje,I have never had a problem with ya.The 170 posts was when I was posting verifieds,like I am doing tonight,remember all the post got taken away when the board went down,so I have to do them over. :(

[jetje]

B) B) B) oké man

[the flinger]

yes Funky, we will complain when you post albums of music all in different posts.

so make a can, like me

[FuNkY CaPrIcOrN]

:lol: :lol: This topic gets better and better,how did we go from prostitute jokes to this.:lol: :lol:

[the flinger]

like this:

funky, i like your jokes, how about you post them all in one post if you arent going for god anymore

or something likee that

[FuNkY CaPrIcOrN]

Originally posted by the flinger@Nov 20 2002, 05:07 PM
like this:

funky, i like your jokes, how about you post them all in one post if you arent going for god anymore

or something likee that
;) Flinger dude,you posted the same thing about 20 post ago,no offence dude,but are you on any drugs and just can't remember posting that?Please man can we just end this,I am not going to post anymore jokes....I promise.And if I do they will be in one post.....unless I see others doing it. :D

[the flinger]

of course i know i posted that.;
you asked how it got started
i told you in case you forgot.

now, are u on drugs?

[FuNkY CaPrIcOrN]

Originally posted by the flinger@Nov 20 2002, 05:32 PM
of course i know i posted that.;
you asked how it got started
i told you in case you forgot.

now, are u on drugs?
:D No,I stoped the hard shit when I was a teenager man,hell I hardly drink hard liquor anymore,mainly beer.......lots and lots of beer. :D

[Zeroaccess]

Can't we just get along?
Why does it matter if he post all his jokes in one post?
what if he remembers one later or sees another?
does he have to go back and edit it?

its easier to skip jokes when there in diff post because you can see where they end and begin
I think people just need to quit complaining about not having a high enough post count...I got one post I have to deal with it....

So what if he has over a 1,000 post just means he has a lot of time on his hands...no offense or nothing your prolly on here while at work or something....

Anyways quit whining and start laughing

btw good jokes all around the board

[the flinger]

you are correct- but i have a feeling these jokes werent typed :)

nothing wrong with that of course: i do it all the time
howeer, its hard to "forget" to copy part of a jokes page


FC- feel free to flame me with how incorrect i am