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hamm
11-17-2005, 05:27 PM
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the butthole surfer. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge butthole surfer.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

Yogi
11-17-2005, 05:28 PM
You sure know how to cut and paste.

manker
11-17-2005, 05:29 PM
Quality!

However, this was posted in Funny Stuff a week or so ago.

This one is particularly funny:

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

:schnauz:

enoughfakefiles
11-17-2005, 05:30 PM
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. [/i]

:schnauz:

O rly.

manker
11-17-2005, 05:32 PM
Ya, rly.

hamm
11-17-2005, 05:37 PM
You sure know how to cut and paste.

Yes, it was my major in college. :01:

Barbarossa
11-17-2005, 05:38 PM
I was quite impressed with the boldage. :01:

4 years well spent I should say :dabs:

hamm
11-17-2005, 05:49 PM
Four?

No, no. I went back.

So now I'm a Master Paster. :01: :01:

Mr JP Fugley
11-17-2005, 05:53 PM
Four?

No, no. I went back.

So now I'm a Master Paster. :01: :01:
Are you sure that's what they said.

hamm
11-17-2005, 06:08 PM
That's what was written on my diploma.

I'd show you, but I accidently mistook it for a regular napkin and threw it away.

Busyman
11-17-2005, 06:13 PM
That's what was written on my diploma.

I'd show you, but I accidently mistook it for a regular napkin and threw it away.
No, it was a napkin that said 'diplomat' on it.

It was folded is all.

hamm
11-17-2005, 06:21 PM
Preposterous.

I've never been to a diplomat.

I have my own washer and dryer. :snooty:

Mr JP Fugley
11-17-2005, 06:38 PM
That's what was written on my diploma.

I'd show you, but I accidently mistook it for a regular napkin and threw it away.
What had you used it for.

hamm
11-17-2005, 06:49 PM
I'd had it pinned to my bulletin board for a while, but needed a coaster and, well...

I knew I should've framed it. I just knew it. :frusty:

Mr JP Fugley
11-17-2005, 06:53 PM
I'd had it pinned to my bulletin board for a while, but needed a coaster and, well...

I knew I should've framed it. I just knew it. :frusty:
That's what spoilt cds are for

Busyman
11-17-2005, 06:57 PM
I'd had it pinned to my bulletin board for a while, but needed a coaster and, well...

I knew I should've framed it. I just knew it. :frusty:
That's what spoilt cds are for
......and fecked DVDs, AOL and Earthlink offerings......