Its hit the fan again!

[sArA]

Those of you who know me, know that I have had quite a bit of trouble with my ex and how he treats the kids. The kids even stopped seeing him for a couple of months because they were so unhappy.

Anyway, it was smoothed over a bit and he started to have them every other weekend again...so far he has had them twice. During the periods between visits he has not made any effort to contact them or involve himself in their lives and the kids have indicated that they still feel he doesn't care about them.

On Wednesday morning I sent him an email saying that I was taking them out on Saturday night so could he just have them from Friday night to Saturday evening, asking him to confirm the arrangements.

We hear nothing and as the kids need to know whats happening and where they are sleeping with at least a bit of notice, we (stress on WE) decided that they would not be going this weekend.

This morning I received a phone call and I told him that as he has not bothered to contact them at all, that they won't be coming this weekend now...he aint happy.

I am now officially an evil, evil woman who is turning the kids against him and stopping him from seeing them for ever (I didn't say that). He thinks I should make them go as a matter of course, I think it should be up to them.

Why would I want put a stop to my horny weekends in bed with BF? Why would I want to have to pay for baby sitters if I want to pop to the pub? And how would I turn them against him if he was such a good dad?

The kids are not stupid they are 10 and 12 so not babies, they know their own minds and they know if they are being treated like shit.

I guess that there will be a pretty mixed response to this, but I just felt the need to get it off my chest.

[zedaxax]

He sounds like an irresponsible guy, or too laid back.
He most probably loves them very much, but is too chilled to get his ass in gear, especially since your doing al the work so he doesn't need to worry about it.
Disallowing (officailly?) him from seeing the kids, will maybe get his ass in gear and try to do something about seeing them?
It worked for a friend of mine....malakas

[Guillaume]

Yes, you are an evil woman... on-line. :dry:

Now, apart from your awful taste in bikes, I don't see what's wrong with you irl. Forcing them to go and see someone who will not care for them properly, now that would be evil.

[manker]

It's very tough on fathers in this situation. Every other weekend isn't enough, it must be difficult for him to maintain a relationship with the kids, especially with them being at the impressionable age they are.

He's done wrong by not making more of an effort but perhaps he simply feels awkward and doesn't know the right way to go about it. At every opportunity they should be reminded that Daddy still loves them very much and he left for reasons of a different nature. This should be instilled into them.

I'm not sure if there is a large distance in miles between the two domiciles but I really think every effort should be made to encourage (not force) the children to spend as much time as possible with their Dad.

They'll never get another one.

[sArA]

It's very tough on fathers in this situation. Every other weekend isn't enough, it must be difficult for him to maintain a relationship with the kids, especially with them being at the impressionable age they are.

He's done wrong by not making more of an effort but perhaps he simply feels awkward and doesn't know the right way to go about it. At every opportunity they should be reminded that Daddy still loves them very much and he left for reasons of a different nature. This should be instilled into them.

I'm not sure if there is a large distance in miles between the two domiciles but I really think every effort should be made to encourage (not force) the children to spend as much time as possible with their Dad.

They'll never get another one.

I agree, and have been doing exactly that for the 4 years we have been split. He lives about 1 mile away and has a car, mobile etc. I have tried to encourage him to take more of an active role in their lives but he never calls them. To be honest manker, I am getting fed up of making excuses for his behaviour. I have spent years trying to say to the kids that their dad loves them really despite his selfish and mean ways.

This is the man that told them that they can't expect time on their own with him, it was selfish of them to ask and that they were screwed up.... This is the man that told his daughter she ruined it for her mate when they entered a singing competition together and didn't win.... This is the man that said that he wouldn't buy them lunch during a day trip because he was buying dinner later, and that if they wanted a drink they would have to buy it themselves... This is the man that took them to McDonalds (which they hate) and made his daughter buy her own meal...This is the man that told them that he would only spend a tenner on them at Christmas because I had asked him to pay an extra 20 quid a month maintenance after having no increase for 4 years....and this is the man that upset his kids every time he has them to the point that my daughter is has put herself into voluntary councelling at school specifically to try and help herself to deal with his behaviour....and my son is scared to ask for both sweets and pop during a birthday treat to the cinema because his dad shouts at him if he does.

I ask you, would you want your son to be cared for by this man?

[manker]

It's very tough on fathers in this situation. Every other weekend isn't enough, it must be difficult for him to maintain a relationship with the kids, especially with them being at the impressionable age they are.

He's done wrong by not making more of an effort but perhaps he simply feels awkward and doesn't know the right way to go about it. At every opportunity they should be reminded that Daddy still loves them very much and he left for reasons of a different nature. This should be instilled into them.

I'm not sure if there is a large distance in miles between the two domiciles but I really think every effort should be made to encourage (not force) the children to spend as much time as possible with their Dad.

They'll never get another one.

I agree, and have been doing exactly that for the 4 years we have been split. He lives about 1 mile away and has a car, mobile etc. I have tried to encourage him to take more of an active role in their lives but he never calls them. To be honest manker, I am getting fed up of making excuses for his behaviour. I have spent years trying to say to the kids that their dad loves them really despite his selfish and mean ways.

This is the man that told them that they can't expect time on their own with him, it was selfish of them to ask and that they were screwed up.... This is the man that told his daughter she ruined it for her mate when they entered a singing competition together and didn't win.... This is the man that said that he wouldn't buy them lunch during a day trip because he was buying dinner later, and that if they wanted a drink they would have to buy it themselves... This is the man that took them to McDonalds (which they hate) and made his daughter buy her own meal...This is the man that told them that he would only spend a tenner on them at Christmas because I had asked him to pay an extra 20 quid a month maintenance after having no increase for 4 years....and this is the man that upset his kids every time he has them to the point that my daughter is has put herself into voluntary councelling at school specifically to try and help herself to deal with his behaviour....and my son is scared to ask for both sweets and pop during a birthday treat to the cinema because his dad shouts at him if he does.

I ask you, would you want your son to be cared for by this man?Ah, no I wouldn't.

I can't know the specifics of what's happened and my post was only to put across a different view as I imagine that it's very difficult to live apart from your children.

I really don't have any advice, having never been in or known a situation similar to yours, but wish you the best in sorting it out - at least they've got a good Mum :)

[sArA]

Thanks manker.

I am not so much asking what I should do, just looking for a bit of support from me mates whilst I fight for the rights of my kids to be happy.

The responses so far have shown me who my friends are...thanks guys. :)

[Busyman]

Those of you who know me, know that I have had quite a bit of trouble with my ex and how he treats the kids. The kids even stopped seeing him for a couple of months because they were so unhappy.

Anyway, it was smoothed over a bit and he started to have them every other weekend again...so far he has had them twice. During the periods between visits he has not made any effort to contact them or involve himself in their lives and the kids have indicated that they still feel he doesn't care about them.

On Wednesday morning I sent him an email saying that I was taking them out on Saturday night so could he just have them from Friday night to Saturday evening, asking him to confirm the arrangements.

We hear nothing and as the kids need to know whats happening and where they are sleeping with at least a bit of notice, we (stress on WE) decided that they would not be going this weekend.

This morning I received a phone call and I told him that as he has not bothered to contact them at all, that they won't be coming this weekend now...he aint happy.

I am now officially an evil, evil woman who is turning the kids against him and stopping him from seeing them for ever (I didn't say that). He thinks I should make them go as a matter of course, I think it should be up to them.

Why would I want put a stop to my horny weekends in bed with BF? Why would I want to have to pay for baby sitters if I want to pop to the pub? And how would I turn them against him if he was such a good dad?

The kids are not stupid they are 10 and 12 so not babies, they know their own minds and they know if they are being treated like shit.

I guess that there will be a pretty mixed response to this, but I just felt the need to get it off my chest.
By this post he sounds like a dick who doesn't really wanna be "dad".

Do the kids have to see him, officiallyloike? If not, then fuck him.

I wouldn't say things to turn your kids against him. He seems to do it well all by his lonesome. You cut that shit out.:angry: He'll hang himself on his relationship with the kids and probably wake up when he gets older. He sounds selfish.
-----
That's funny, we sometimes send our daughter away to her grandma's (which is down the street) for weekend sex sessions....

[manker]

That's funny, we sometimes send our daughter away to her grandma's (which is down the street) for weekend sex sessions....
:lol: :lol: :unsure:

Sometimes using English in a improper manner can cause all sorts of misunderstandings.

[Busyman]

That's funny, we sometimes send our daughter away to her grandma's (which is down the street) for weekend sex sessions....
:lol: :lol: :unsure:

Sometimes using English in a improper manner can cause all sorts of misunderstandings.
:lol: :lol: :lol:

I noticed that after I posted it and then said, "Awww fuck it!!"

[sArA]

I don't need to slag him off, the kids can do that all by themselves....take this comment by my daughter on hearing he might be going to visit Zimbabwe (where his GF is from) and hearing it can be a dangerous place particularly for white British people at the moment...I mentioned that he could get shot or anything...'If that happened that would solve everything'

Had to laugh at the time, but it is a sad reflection on him if she feels that way.

It would be nice if we could palm the kids off on my parents for a weekend, unfortunately they live in Spain, and the BF's parents don't have the space or have a developed enough relationship with them for overnight stays.

[Buffalo]

Very sad, you did the right thing to get it off ya chest, by the sounds of it you have a lot to contend with.
In any split up it's bad, but when kids are involved that's a different matter.

I can't understand why he should dish the kids like that, not nice & there at an age where they will get hurt as they know whats going on.

It's no good to bottle things up, if your like me with a limited amount of family to talk to then somethings going to pop.

I hope things sort out for you & Soon, love from Barry

[Gripper]

Sara you sound a brilliant mum.
Can see why he's the ex,shooting himself in the foot left,right and center..what a dork

[DanB]

They are old enough to make up their own minds.


My little cousin was in a similar situation, when he went to visit he was left out by his dad's new kids and wife and also by him, so next time he went round there for the weekend he told him he didn't want to come round and see him anymore.

It didn't go down too well but he doesn't ask to see him anymore, but its slightly different cos he never knew him as dad as he left my aunt before Adam was born

[VivaciousAkasha]

Wow, I thought I had the only impossibly irresponsible ex, or at least their prince! Now, I see my ex is close but yours is a KING! What an ass. It's just plain sad.

On visitation.... Your children are old enough to decline visits. Encourage them to tell their dad why (in writing that way he can't interrupt or argue). Your kids feelings are important and he needs to know they are hurting.

If/When visitation starts again insist on ground rules, and then stick to them. If he fails to call when he said he would, or fails to make them a priority when he visits with them all bets are off and they can decline to visit again.

There's no reason in the world they should have to go with him if they don't want to. None. If he wants them to love and respect him he MUST put in the time and effort. Monetary support isn't love.

Personally, I never speak ill of my ex to my children (they are 10 and almost 7). I never make excuses for him either. If he hurts their feelings I encourage them to tell him so. If they want to talk to him I hand them the phone and dial it for them.

He refuses to commit to a schedule and after many frustrating months I finally put my foot down.

Our agreement is
1> Give 24 hour notice for 'impromptu' visits or no visit.
2> Always return their calls ASAP. No if's and's or but's. (I just wont tolerate it when I know he has caller ID and voicemail on his home and cell phone.
3> Never discuss 'our' issues with them.
4> You can't take one kid without taking the other later that same week. Equal one-on-one time for both boys.

So far, it's working. When he goes too long without talking to them, they call him.

He hasn't missed calling them back except for once and then was shocked when I slammed the door on him for his visit. :p Really pissed him off because he had his mother with him and expected to bully his way in the door!! I stuck to my guns (I don't care who just came in out of town - you didn't call your kids to make plans). Now he makes sure he calls them back. :)

[Mr JP Fugley]

Sara,

The important issue is how the sprogs feel. That is what you are considering and acting on. It is not what your ex is doing. He sounds like someone else I know who behaved the same way, personally I though his daughter was probably as well not seing him, but I don't know your ex so can't really comment, he might be OK (but to be honest he sounds like a twat to me)

You are in the right here and should do whatever you think is right, it seems to have served you well so far and you are the person best placed to know what's best for your young 'uns.

It will work out for the best if you trust your instincts. You know it makes sense.

[j2k4]

Sorry to hear of the problems, Sara.

Sounds as if he needs to have pointed up to him the ill-effects of his behavior.

All the normal bromides and advice (with which I am very familiar) aside, I would be sorely tempted, were I you (and provided also that the support money involved is not an insurmountable hindrance), I'd quietly offer to forego support in exchange for his dropping custody.

Two things could result:

He fights any action, at which point the court is presented a nice opportunity to review things and advise him that he is a jack-ass and had better mend his ways, or-

He gives it up and his truest feelings as re: his children are on display for all (meaning the children) to see.

I'm sorry, but I've seen and witnessed too many apologist strategies offered in defense of wayward parents, and I've concluded that, as the kids are old enough to remember that they've got a father (so they can pursue that avenue at a later date, if they choose), then what further harm?

My own children were 11 and 12 at the time of my divorce, and the games my ex managed to play in the name of undermining me while at the same time keeping me tied financially and denying me visitation, etc., has screwed them up for life.

Make the offer, and if the court steps on him, fine, or if he opts out, fine, too.

If you had an unimpeded path at guiding them, and they had the inclination to view your boyfriend in a parental light, then I think you've got what you want, and more importantly, what they need.

The beauty of it is they retain their rights and options, and have the chance to exercise them.

Upward and onward, then; if the asshole doesn't want to come along for the ride, fuck 'im.

Just my opinion.

Good luck to you and yours, Sara, and keep us posted.

[GepperRankins]

Those of you who know me, know that I have had quite a bit of trouble with my ex and how he treats the kids. The kids even stopped seeing him for a couple of months because they were so unhappy.

Anyway, it was smoothed over a bit and he started to have them every other weekend again...so far he has had them twice. During the periods between visits he has not made any effort to contact them or involve himself in their lives and the kids have indicated that they still feel he doesn't care about them.

On Wednesday morning I sent him an email saying that I was taking them out on Saturday night so could he just have them from Friday night to Saturday evening, asking him to confirm the arrangements.

We hear nothing and as the kids need to know whats happening and where they are sleeping with at least a bit of notice, we (stress on WE) decided that they would not be going this weekend.

This morning I received a phone call and I told him that as he has not bothered to contact them at all, that they won't be coming this weekend now...he aint happy.

I am now officially an evil, evil woman who is turning the kids against him and stopping him from seeing them for ever (I didn't say that). He thinks I should make them go as a matter of course, I think it should be up to them.

Why would I want put a stop to my horny weekends in bed with BF? Why would I want to have to pay for baby sitters if I want to pop to the pub? And how would I turn them against him if he was such a good dad?

The kids are not stupid they are 10 and 12 so not babies, they know their own minds and they know if they are being treated like shit.

I guess that there will be a pretty mixed response to this, but I just felt the need to get it off my chest.
kinda the same in my house FTW!


my dad's an unreliable dick and thinks my mum's turning us against him. just pray he doesn't get ill because the guilt trips are annoying as fuck. (i'm dying and all you care about is my money. i'm dying and you only see me when you want something. i'm glad i'm dying so i can get away from this). i mean like my mam is crazy and starts doing crazy shit to wind him up when i go to his house or whatever but they can both be assholes and it pisses me off that through no fault of my own i'm in the middle.

[maebach]

I don't know much about relationships,it's sad that he lives a mile away and can't bother to call/come over once a while. He could drop by or drive the kids to school, take them out to dinner etc.

[Biggles]

Thanks manker.

I am not so much asking what I should do, just looking for a bit of support from me mates whilst I fight for the rights of my kids to be happy.

The responses so far have shown me who my friends are...thanks guys. :)

I have said this before (but I will say it again) people do what they want to do and the words they say are just what they think they should appear to be doing.

If he wanted the kids he would have responded to your email faster than a very fast thing.

My ex and I live only a mile apart and have done since the kids were 8 and 6. SGG more or less resides here these days (except when I am on business trips) and her bro tends to stay at his Mum's but they come and go as they please and have done since they were about 12/13ish. Both of us see both kids lots (usually with paw outstretched for dosh :( ) However I do appreciate that remaining friends with my ex makes things a lot easier than it does for those that have a certain degree of friction.

Hope things work out Sara. From what you have said, it is a bit crushing for the kids to feel that their Dad is so disengaged and uninterested. SGG would have me disembowled if I suggested she buy her own lunch :ph34r:

[Mr JP Fugley]

Feck Les, she's even got you paying for filesharing. The clues in the name mate.

[Biggles]

Feck Les, she's even got you paying for filesharing. The clues in the name mate.

:blushing: Teh Shame!

Plus, apart from the rather flash version of Limeware, I have no idea what the veritable cascade of software I got for me money is supposed to do. :blink:

[GepperRankins]

limewire sucks, mang :blink:

[peat moss]

Sara , thats so sad your ex is a dick head but hope he wakes up to the fact you can't get these years back . Hows your relationship with his girlfriend maybe a meeting with them over coffee to discuss the problem ? Take someone with you for support tho . Good luck I'v been there, mine was wanting more time with my other boy .

Was surprised how supportive the stepfather was ,we have a great relationship now . :)

[Rat Faced]

Sara,

I dont contact my kids when i dont have them either.

Its not because i dont care, there isnt a day goes by that i dont miss them like crazy..

Its because i think they need some sort of settled life, more than they need to see me more often.

I think it is much easier on them if they (and their Mother & her Husband) arent seeing me when i dont have them. I know that they still give their mam grief after i see them.. (why did you split up, i want to stay/go with dad etc etc) .. and that must cause stress between her, the kids and her new husband.

If she and her new husband are stressed, it would be easy to spill over onto the kids..

If they really want me for some reason, they all have my phone number. If not, they know when they'll see me.


Although i can call my ex for many things and often do, she hasn't tried to turn the kids against me, that im aware of, and i wouldt dream of doing that to her either. Kids need both parents... but they need their mam most.

[sArA]

If that all works well for you RF, obviously that is fine. However, it is not the same situation. My kids stopped seeing their dad for 2 months because he was being so horrible to them and he is suppossed to be rebuilding the relationship. More general contact was requested by the kids so that they felt like he was interested in their lives. Oh...and the idea of me and their dad getting back together has never ever come up. :)

I get grief due to their dad being a twat, they come home upset because of the way he treats them, and then I have to try and comfort them and remind them that he does love them (although sometimes its hard to tell). You have met the BF yourself so you know he is a nice man, the kids like him a lot and are settling in well to the new routine of him living with us. The only tension there is when their dad is being nasty to me and BF wants to defend me but he feels he has to hold back for the sake of the kids.

As an aside, one day recently, the ex was particularly nasty in his threats and slagging me off. The BF was about ready to go and 'have words' with him. my daughter, aware of the situation stated that if he did go and 'have words' she wouldn't blame him at all. Another incident where her dad pleads poverty on the one hand, and talks about going on holiday to Zimbabwe with his GF on the other....she stated that it would probably be better if he stayed there. As you can tell, he has a lot of work to do to convince the kids that he gives a fuck.

I am sure that is not the case with you and your kids.

[thewizeard]

Sad to hear your children are suffering, Sara, that always happens when parents split..and of course you are suffering too. I, like Paul, don't contact my children outside of the visiting times, for the same reason. I am always reachable if they need me. Sometimes my ex phones me if she cant pick them up from school on time and they are allowed to phone me whever they wish... I do miss my kids terribly...but I have to respect the new life my ex is trying to (re)build...


He's done wrong by not making more of an effort but perhaps he simply feels awkward and doesn't know the right way to go about it. At every opportunity they should be reminded that Daddy still loves them very much and he left for reasons of a different nature. This should be instilled into them.

I feel that manker has got the right angle on it though.... Contact your ex, preferably in person, if possible..let him know clearly what damage he is inflicting on your children and what he can do to improve things...and if he does not start putting in more effort...it might soon be too late...

I wish you strengh.

[Busyman]

1. He's a twat.

2. Don't bias the children against him; he's doing it for them.

3. Don't sugarcoat their father either.

[sArA]

I feel that manker has got the right angle on it though.... Contact your ex, preferably in person, if possible..let him know clearly what damage he is inflicting on your children and what he can do to improve things...and if he does not start putting in more effort...it might soon be too late...



Been there, done that, still trying to get the message across despite him always talking over me, jumping to conclusions, slagging me off and never listening to me or the kids.

I think that after nearly 5 years of trying to get him to understand how to be 'about right' with the children we are close to giving up. Some people never will 'get it' no matter how much people try to explain. He isn't bad, just completely lacking in any empathy and totally selfish.

The saddest part really is the fact that the children, are having to come to terms with their own conclusions that their dad is a twat. This they find embarrassing and upsetting. However, I have noticed that since they have stopped looking for excuses for him and blaming themselves (he is good at making them feel guilty with his sackcloth and ashes routines) they seem more content at home, less edgy in general and able to see some of the humour in what he does as it is sometimes so crap that its funny.

He is losing them I am afraid, and it is not in an angry way, it is more of a 'yeah yeah whatever' way. I am not saying that the damage is irretrievable but they can see for themselves that he doesn't really 'get it' when they try to talk to him about how they feel. They relate their stories of their attempts to talk to him, and we have to laugh at his total misreading of what they say.

He will have to change so many things to repair the damage now, I don't know if he can be arsed to try. So far, his attempts to improve things consist of putting a couple of posters on their bedroom walls, thereby missing the point again. Its not material and practical things that piss them off, it is his attitude all the way.

[ruthie]

Sara,
Although it's been years, this is sadly familiar. My son had a terrible time with his father. His father would promise to come.and not. I remember Ki getting ready and sitting, waiting, calling, waiting, crying, angry, and waiting..literally waiting for six months sometimes. Sometimes, after months of no contact, the shmuck would knock on our door..I'd throw him out. My son figureded tings out on his own, but it was incredibly painful watching him go through all the involved emotions that accompany rejection. I will add..we lived less then a mile from each other. My son is 22 now and does have a relationship with his father, albeit a strange one. Interesting how now the father whines how he doesn't hear from Ki much..but then again, life's a bitch. ROFL.
Good luck to you. It is not an easy situation, and it is unfortunate that our kids so often pay the price. They sound pretty in touch with what's going on. I would not force them to see him either, unless there is that nasty little court order one can get here...of course, my son's father finally got one, and then didn't come see Ki anyway.

[Gripper]

Theres always contracts