baccyman
05-12-2006, 12:52 PM
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him out of ten million bucks; his bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and the reason he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything that he'd ever have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million bucks is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper’s temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
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A distraught dog owner called a vet pleading for an immediate appointment. He explained that his dog had a large growth or swelling near the corner of its mouth that had appeared to grow overnight, so I told him to bring the animal over.
When the man came in with his dog, the vet examined the animal as the man stood by, anxiously waiting the vet's opinion.
At last the doctor turned to him and asked, "Do you have any children?"
"Oh, good grief, is it contagious?" the man gasped.
"No," the doctor answered. "It's bubble gum."
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Unable to find a man, who liked to sunbathe in the nude, Brigitte took out a personal ad. For his part, Sylvester didn't like the sun, but he was desperate for a woman and replied. Brigitte invited him to her home, and they spent a long day in her fenced in yard. But by dusk Sylvester realized he'd been out a bit too long: He was burned from head to toe, especially on his penis.
Sneaking inside, Sylvester went looking for the coldest thing in the house; all he could find in the refrigerator was a carton of milk and, pouring some in a glass, dipped his penis in.
Just then, Briggitte strolled in. Seeing Sylvester with his penis in the milk, she slapped the side of her head and marveled, "So that's how you load that thing!"
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A couple gets married, and the girl's mother lives downstairs. The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs.
"Momma, Momma," she cries. "I can't believe it! He has hair all over his chest! I can't make love to him, it's disgusting!"
The mother says to her, "He's your husband, you do what he wants you to. Now go back upstairs."
When the girl gets back upstairs, the man takes off his pants. This sends her running back down to her mother, 'Momma, Momma! It's terrible! He has hair all over his legs!"
The mother tells the girl, "Look, he is your husband, you are his wife. You go back upstairs and do what he wants."
The girl goes back upstairs, and the man takes off his shoes and socks. She looks down and sees that half of one of his feet is missing. She goes crying back down the stairs.
"Momma, Momma! He's got a foot and a half!"
"You stay here," says the mother. "I'll go upstairs."
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Three old men are discussing their sex lives.
The Italian man says, " Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."
The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes.
The old Jewish Man says, "Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love, and she screamed for 6 hours.
The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They replied, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?"
"I wiped my hands on the drapes."
The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million bucks is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper’s temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A distraught dog owner called a vet pleading for an immediate appointment. He explained that his dog had a large growth or swelling near the corner of its mouth that had appeared to grow overnight, so I told him to bring the animal over.
When the man came in with his dog, the vet examined the animal as the man stood by, anxiously waiting the vet's opinion.
At last the doctor turned to him and asked, "Do you have any children?"
"Oh, good grief, is it contagious?" the man gasped.
"No," the doctor answered. "It's bubble gum."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Unable to find a man, who liked to sunbathe in the nude, Brigitte took out a personal ad. For his part, Sylvester didn't like the sun, but he was desperate for a woman and replied. Brigitte invited him to her home, and they spent a long day in her fenced in yard. But by dusk Sylvester realized he'd been out a bit too long: He was burned from head to toe, especially on his penis.
Sneaking inside, Sylvester went looking for the coldest thing in the house; all he could find in the refrigerator was a carton of milk and, pouring some in a glass, dipped his penis in.
Just then, Briggitte strolled in. Seeing Sylvester with his penis in the milk, she slapped the side of her head and marveled, "So that's how you load that thing!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple gets married, and the girl's mother lives downstairs. The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs.
"Momma, Momma," she cries. "I can't believe it! He has hair all over his chest! I can't make love to him, it's disgusting!"
The mother says to her, "He's your husband, you do what he wants you to. Now go back upstairs."
When the girl gets back upstairs, the man takes off his pants. This sends her running back down to her mother, 'Momma, Momma! It's terrible! He has hair all over his legs!"
The mother tells the girl, "Look, he is your husband, you are his wife. You go back upstairs and do what he wants."
The girl goes back upstairs, and the man takes off his shoes and socks. She looks down and sees that half of one of his feet is missing. She goes crying back down the stairs.
"Momma, Momma! He's got a foot and a half!"
"You stay here," says the mother. "I'll go upstairs."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three old men are discussing their sex lives.
The Italian man says, " Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."
The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes.
The old Jewish Man says, "Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love, and she screamed for 6 hours.
The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They replied, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?"
"I wiped my hands on the drapes."