baccyman
10-02-2006, 02:25 PM
President Clinton and Hillary are in the front row just above the dug out at a Yankees game. The row behind them is taken up with Secret Service agents. One of them leans over and whispers something in the President's ear.
President Clinton pauses, then grabs Hillary by the scruff of the neck and heaves her over the railing. She falls 10 feet to the top of the dug out, kicking and screaming obscenities all the way down, and after she lands, the President bows to the crowd, and shakes hands and "high five's" everyone near him.
The same Secret Service agent again leans over and whispers, "No Mr. President, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH."
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The young lady entered the doctor's office carrying an infant. "Doctor," she explained, "the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week."
The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the girl's breasts. He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the bra and began powerfully sucking on one nipple. "Young lady," he finally announced, "no wonder the baby is losing weight, you haven't any milk!"
"Of course not!" she shrieked. "It's not my child, it's my sister's!"
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This little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, "Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself."
"What?" the operator exclaimed. "I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated.
"Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?"
"Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwing somebody!"
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Rednecks
A North Carolina redneck passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow. However, she can't touch it until she turns 14.
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Folks in Georgia now go to some movies in groups of 18 or more. They were told 17 and under are not admitted.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The minimum drinking age in Tennessee has been raised to 32. It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Mississippi, reruns of "Hee Haw" are called documentaries.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How can you tell if a West Virginia redneck is married? There's dried tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tennessee has a new $3,000,000 State Lottery. The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Recently, the Governor's Mansion in Little Rock burned down. In fact, it took out the whole trailer park.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The best thing to ever come out of Arkansas is Interstate 40.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(And my very favorite.........)
An Alabama State Trooper stopped a pickup truck. He asked the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver said,
"Bout what?"
President Clinton pauses, then grabs Hillary by the scruff of the neck and heaves her over the railing. She falls 10 feet to the top of the dug out, kicking and screaming obscenities all the way down, and after she lands, the President bows to the crowd, and shakes hands and "high five's" everyone near him.
The same Secret Service agent again leans over and whispers, "No Mr. President, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The young lady entered the doctor's office carrying an infant. "Doctor," she explained, "the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week."
The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the girl's breasts. He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the bra and began powerfully sucking on one nipple. "Young lady," he finally announced, "no wonder the baby is losing weight, you haven't any milk!"
"Of course not!" she shrieked. "It's not my child, it's my sister's!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, "Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself."
"What?" the operator exclaimed. "I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated.
"Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?"
"Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwing somebody!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rednecks
A North Carolina redneck passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow. However, she can't touch it until she turns 14.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Folks in Georgia now go to some movies in groups of 18 or more. They were told 17 and under are not admitted.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The minimum drinking age in Tennessee has been raised to 32. It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Mississippi, reruns of "Hee Haw" are called documentaries.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How can you tell if a West Virginia redneck is married? There's dried tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tennessee has a new $3,000,000 State Lottery. The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Recently, the Governor's Mansion in Little Rock burned down. In fact, it took out the whole trailer park.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The best thing to ever come out of Arkansas is Interstate 40.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(And my very favorite.........)
An Alabama State Trooper stopped a pickup truck. He asked the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver said,
"Bout what?"