baccyman
10-21-2006, 04:53 PM
A new jockey starts work at a new stables and is about to compete in his first race. The owner of the horse comes to him and says he has a great ride and should win:
"All you have to do is this. As you're coming to a fence say, '5 4 3 2 1 JUMP,'"
The race starts and the jockey thinks to himself, "I'm a professional jockey and I'm not gonna be told how to ride a horse," so he says nothing.
The first fence comes and the horse puts his head down and crashes straight through it losing about ten lengths.
The second fence approaches and still, the jockey says nothing. Sure enough, the horse puts his head down and crashes through teh fence again.
At this point , he's twenty lengths behind and thinks to himself, "If I don't get a result here it could be the sack!"
As the third fence comes up, his mind racing, he thinks, "I've nothing to lose. Here goes...'5 4 3 2 1 JUMP!'
And would you believe it? The horse glides over the fence.
He does this at every fence each time making distance up and by the end of the race wins by four lengths.
Back at the weigh in the owner says to the jockey, "Well done lad, you won but what the bloody hell went wrong at the first two fences?"
The jockey, trying to cover up his mistake, replies, "Well I did all that 5 4 3 2 1 jump stuff but he never heard me.
"Well, shucks!" the owner exclaims, "I knew he was blind, but I didn't knew he was deaf as well!"
---------------------------------------------------------
(1) What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?
.........Drool.
(2) What do you get when you put thirty-two Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
.........A full set of teeth.
(3) How do you get a South Carolina cheerleader into your dorm room?
Grease her hips and push.
(4) How do you get a Georgia graduate off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
(5) How do you know if a Mississippi State football player has a girlfriend?
........There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup.
(6) Why is the Kentucky football team like a possum?
.........Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
(7) What are the longest three years of an Auburn football player's life?
.........His freshman year.
(8) How many Florida Freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
.........None -- that's a sophomore course.
(9) Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco?
........ Baton Rouge , Louisiana. He knew that the police would never look at LSU for a Heisman Trophy winner.
AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash.....)
(10) Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
.........You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week .
"All you have to do is this. As you're coming to a fence say, '5 4 3 2 1 JUMP,'"
The race starts and the jockey thinks to himself, "I'm a professional jockey and I'm not gonna be told how to ride a horse," so he says nothing.
The first fence comes and the horse puts his head down and crashes straight through it losing about ten lengths.
The second fence approaches and still, the jockey says nothing. Sure enough, the horse puts his head down and crashes through teh fence again.
At this point , he's twenty lengths behind and thinks to himself, "If I don't get a result here it could be the sack!"
As the third fence comes up, his mind racing, he thinks, "I've nothing to lose. Here goes...'5 4 3 2 1 JUMP!'
And would you believe it? The horse glides over the fence.
He does this at every fence each time making distance up and by the end of the race wins by four lengths.
Back at the weigh in the owner says to the jockey, "Well done lad, you won but what the bloody hell went wrong at the first two fences?"
The jockey, trying to cover up his mistake, replies, "Well I did all that 5 4 3 2 1 jump stuff but he never heard me.
"Well, shucks!" the owner exclaims, "I knew he was blind, but I didn't knew he was deaf as well!"
---------------------------------------------------------
(1) What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?
.........Drool.
(2) What do you get when you put thirty-two Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
.........A full set of teeth.
(3) How do you get a South Carolina cheerleader into your dorm room?
Grease her hips and push.
(4) How do you get a Georgia graduate off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
(5) How do you know if a Mississippi State football player has a girlfriend?
........There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup.
(6) Why is the Kentucky football team like a possum?
.........Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.
(7) What are the longest three years of an Auburn football player's life?
.........His freshman year.
(8) How many Florida Freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
.........None -- that's a sophomore course.
(9) Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco?
........ Baton Rouge , Louisiana. He knew that the police would never look at LSU for a Heisman Trophy winner.
AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash.....)
(10) Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
.........You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week .