Letters Of Complaint.

[chalice]

Thought it might be cathartic for some of us to politely disperse some of the steam we build up internally as an upshot of the myriad twats we encounter in the real world in our day to day existences.

With this, I will also be attempting to resurrect the archaic art form of letter writing.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Nincompoop who served me in the shop this morning,

what fucking tree did you just fall out of? You've got a fucking till to do all the hard arithmetic for you.

When you said, 'that'll be £7.02', I handed you £7.50. Your eyes glazed over in this flitty, 'what day is it' kinda manner.

'No mate', you said, 'it's £7.02.

Didn't you feel even in the slightest bit thick when I responded, 'yes, that means you owe me 48p'.

What a fucking cawk you are. I owe you 2 punches in the nose, available the next time I see your gormless face.

Kindest Regards,

Chalice (OfWeeWee).

[chalice]

Dear cunt who lives opposite me,

why in the name of fuck do you deem it necessary to park your piece of shit car outside my house every fucking night in life? You've got your own fucking house to deposit that fucking jalopy in front of.

Tonight I will be tampering with your brakes, keying your windscreen and gobbing on your door handles.

Sincerely yours,

Chalice (OfWeeWee)

P.S. Your wife is shockingly ugly and your kids are spotty wee fuckers.

[tralalala]

:glag:


---------------------------------------------------

Dear dad...

As you may or may not know, I've finished school and am going into the army sometime within the next half year.. Is that too bloody difficult to understand? It would make sense I'd like to go and socialize at night with my mates, some of whom are going into the army as we speak, meaning I'd be coming home really (really) late at night.. I in no way think this warrants a fucking yelling session as a wake up call at 12:30 PM on a Friday, just to shout at me you want me to go do the shopping, when you yourself said you'd been out to give the car a run.. How fucking stupid does that sound for gawds sake!?
So yeah, I went out and did the shopping, got the rolls for the weekend, and all you can say whe nI get back in is "fanks, now why didn't you get up earlier?"

Cos I went to sleep at 4:30AM goddamnit!! Fuck sake.. It's not like there's anything to do at home so I can happily stay in and claim to be having a good time, cos that simply isn't what happens.. So let me go out with ma mates and come back late, and understand that's why I wake up so late the next day..


Fucking fuckity fuck.

Rafi (of PishPish)

[The Flying Cow]

Dear cunt who flew out of me windae and broke my downstairs neighbour's shutter box,

you better deliver me my brand new shoes (yes, those you took on your feet and now say you 'lost'), or their retail value of €60, or I'll go to your whore of a mother and ask her for an explanation. Don't think I'm afraid of that. I couldn't give two fucking hoots about her or your failure of a father.

Clearly your parents are raising hoodlums as children; you, a pathetic excuse for a junkie, and your younger brother, soon to be following your very well-chosen footsteps.

I sincerely hope you rot in hell.

[Skiz]

Dear wetback,

Quit your fucking complaining about the entire country needing to be bilingual. Your reply that some are here legally is complete bullshit. The ones that are here legally would have been here for some time and now have the education to speak and write English so that is pure fucking shite that we should know or be forced to look at every fucking thing in Spanish.

I speak your dirty language when I am at a Jaliscos ordering my tacos. I may be a gringo, but they never correct me at a Jalisco because I know what the fuck I'm saying.

This is The United States of America, Speak English in public or get the fuck out! I don't want to hear some bleach-blonde, hooked-on-America, Mexican cunts side bar conversation about me in the grocery line. I know I'm fucking awesome to the max and your senorita is eye fucking me. I also don't like short, fat, Mexican bitches so they need to get off their high horse and stop wearing shit that shows their fat ass/legs/gut/face.

One last thing - quit dropping babies around every fucking corner. Our health care system is expensive enough as it is without you leeches milking it for free without paying a nickel in taxes!

I sincerely hope we build a 100 foot wall with machine guns triggered automatically by motion sensors, every 50 feet. Die.

[tralalala]

:glag: Priceless thread.

[Acid_death69]

sherman has your mate still not given you your shoes bk from when he stumbled outta ya house high as a kite lol?

[chalice]

Dear old woman who invariably sits beside me on the train in the morning,

you smell of piss and cat and peppermint and hairspray and Chanel No.5. This heady mixture is worse than the sum of it's parts. Next time you sit beside me, I'm gonna find out if you're flammable.

You also breathe funny and talk to yourself on occasion. Stop it. Stop it now.

I remain your obedient servant,

Chalice (OfWeeWee).

[Acid_death69]

Dear old woman who invariably sits beside me on the train in the morning,

you smell of piss and cat and peppermint and hairspray and Chanel No.5. This heady mixture is worse than the sum of it's parts. Next time you sit beside me, I'm gonna find out if you're flammable.

You also breathe funny and talk to yourself on occasion. Stop it. Stop it now.

I remain your obedient servant,

Chalice (OfWeeWee).
:lol: lmao, let her sit on a tac or something.

[tralalala]

Dearest Russians of Israel -


It has come to my attention that over the past 20 years, some 1.5 million of you have made it into Israel.. That's all cool and co., except for the simple fact that most of you are FUCKING Russians who try to show no goddamn resemblance to the Jewish nation!
I mean, what would be the point coming to Israel, the state of the Jews, where most probably the idea would be to have a place that would resemble a Jewish people's place, with Jewish rituals/habits (at least to some extent), when most of you simply go about eating your stinky pig meat (no offense to all non-Jews who eat pig, it's just a phrase used to express how pissed I am), not get circumcised (at least some of you), never (EVER) go to shul, not even on the holiest day of them all (when even the most secular people give some sort of respect), eat bread on Passover (yes, some non-Russians do this too, but I'm not talking about them)..

Not only that, but you are probably responsible for the rise in prostitution, binge drinking, and non-kosher-food-eatage.. You fucking cunts. Why did you come here then!?

And no, the fact that some ancient grandfather of yours may have been Jewish.. The fact the Israeli government takes you as that is only because of the Nuremberg Laws.. Fuck sake, not good enough for me.

Go shove all your Russian shite back to Russia, and you can go with it. All your gangsta-egghead-tatted-cuntsters can get the hell out of here, we don't need you whatsoever.

On top of all that, you even brought in a grocery store "dedicated" to sell all your crap here, when you made sure all the workers would be Russians, selling non-Jewish shite which extracts any connection to the Jewish nation from you.. So ya'll can GTFO, right now.


k.thx.bai.

[Skiz]

Dear moron,

Your yard sign is pish. I don't give a flying fuck what your *party* affiliation is. Yard signs, posters, bumper stickers and t-shirts for what are supposed to be representatives is a waste of time, not to mention pathetic.

You are the same sheep that go to a restaurant, and buy their twenty-five dollar advertisements t-shirts, or spend half your paycheck on lottery tickets. Die.

[Proper Bo]

eating your stinky pig meat (no offense to all non-Jews who eat pig, it's just a phrase used to express how pissed I am)

why would we be offended by that?
It just means more bacon sarnies for the rest of us:smilie4:

[Acid_death69]

eating your stinky pig meat (no offense to all non-Jews who eat pig, it's just a phrase used to express how pissed I am)

why would we be offended by that?
It just means more bacon sarnies for the rest of us:smilie4:
mmmmmmmm i havent had a proper bacon sarnie in ages:happy:

[tralalala]

Dunno thought maybe someone would have taken offense.. Skizo, for instance.

[Skiz]

Fuck that.

All your pigs are belong to me.

[chalice]

Dear Pigs,

please don't be offended that members of the Judaic race don't see fit to digesting you.

They are unaware of how succulent, versatile and fucking scrumptious you are.

What do they know, eh? Now do me a favour and hop onto this sammich for me. There's a good pig.

Your friend and admirer,

Chalice (OfWeeWee)

[Acid_death69]

lol seems like skizo has a chip on his shoulder today:p

If you could say but one thing to the smelly old lady what would it be?

[chalice]

Dear Dan,

what the fuck are you rattling on about. I find it usually helps to post coherent sentences when in conversation on the internets.

Otherwise people don't have clue one what the fuck you're attempting to express.

Yours with discomfiture,

Chalice (OfWeeWee).

[Skiz]

Dear pig,

That'll do....that'll do.

[Acid_death69]

Dear Dan,

what the fuck are you rattling on about. I find it usually helps to post coherent sentences when in conversation on the internets.

Otherwise people don't have clue one what the fuck you're attempting to express.

Yours with discomfiture,

Chalice (OfWeeWee).
fixed, any better?

[chalice]

lol seems like skizo has a chip on his shoulder today:p

If you could say but one thing to the smelly old lady what would it be?

Much better.

I would say, 'does your fucking geriatric nose not work anymore, you filthy old harridan? Ever heard of a fucking nailbrush? Cos your fingernails look like they've been picking spuds for about 3 weeks. Toothpaste is always a good idea too. Assuming you have teeth'.

Or something else.

[100%]

Dear Winter,

Fuck off and die.




Yours sincerely,
Miss Suntan Cream

[100%]

Dear old woman who invariably sits beside me on the train in the morning,

you smell of piss and cat and peppermint and hairspray and Chanel No.5. This heady mixture is worse than the sum of it's parts. Next time you sit beside me, I'm gonna find out if you're flammable.

You also breathe funny and talk to yourself on occasion. Stop it. Stop it now.

I remain your obedient servant,

Chalice (OfWeeWee).


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v173/sjoko/oldwoman.jpg

[chalice]

:lol:

Fucking quality Zed.

I is keeping that forever. True story.

[100%]

:happy:


:glag:


---------------------------------------------------

Dear dad...

As you may or may not know, I've finished school and am going into the army sometime within the next half year.. Is that too bloody difficult to understand? It would make sense I'd like to go and socialize at night with my mates, some of whom are going into the army as we speak, meaning I'd be coming home really (really) late at night.. I in no way think this warrants a fucking yelling session as a wake up call at 12:30 PM on a Friday, just to shout at me you want me to go do the shopping, when you yourself said you'd been out to give the car a run.. How fucking stupid does that sound for gawds sake!?
So yeah, I went out and did the shopping, got the rolls for the weekend, and all you can say whe nI get back in is "fanks, now why didn't you get up earlier?"

Cos I went to sleep at 4:30AM goddamnit!! Fuck sake.. It's not like there's anything to do at home so I can happily stay in and claim to be having a good time, cos that simply isn't what happens.. So let me go out with ma mates and come back late, and understand that's why I wake up so late the next day..


Fucking fuckity fuck.

Rafi (of PishPish)

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v173/sjoko/DearDad.jpg

[The Flying Cow]

Dear Pigs,

please don't be offended that members of the Judaic race don't see fit to digesting you.

They are unaware of how succulent, versatile and fucking scrumptious you are.

What do they know, eh? Now do me a favour and hop onto this sammich for me. There's a good pig.

Your friend and admirer,

Chalice (OfWeeWee)

Quality.

*of chavish manor official seal* awarded

[Mr JP Fugley]

Dearest Russians of Israel -


It has come to my attention that over the past 20 years, some 1.5 million of you have made it into Israel.. That's all cool and co., except for the simple fact that most of you are FUCKING Russians who try to show no goddamn resemblance to the Jewish nation!
I mean, what would be the point coming to Israel, the state of the Jews, where most probably the idea would be to have a place that would resemble a Jewish people's place, with Jewish rituals/habits (at least to some extent), when most of you simply go about eating your stinky pig meat (no offense to all non-Jews who eat pig, it's just a phrase used to express how pissed I am), not get circumcised (at least some of you), never (EVER) go to shul, not even on the holiest day of them all (when even the most secular people give some sort of respect), eat bread on Passover (yes, some non-Russians do this too, but I'm not talking about them)..

Not only that, but you are probably responsible for the rise in prostitution, binge drinking, and non-kosher-food-eatage.. You fucking cunts. Why did you come here then!?

And no, the fact that some ancient grandfather of yours may have been Jewish.. The fact the Israeli government takes you as that is only because of the Nuremberg Laws.. Fuck sake, not good enough for me.

Go shove all your Russian shite back to Russia, and you can go with it. All your gangsta-egghead-tatted-cuntsters can get the hell out of here, we don't need you whatsoever.

On top of all that, you even brought in a grocery store "dedicated" to sell all your crap here, when you made sure all the workers would be Russians, selling non-Jewish shite which extracts any connection to the Jewish nation from you.. So ya'll can GTFO, right now.


k.thx.bai.

Racism and intolerance, it's this seasons black kids.

[chalice]

Dear Diary,

reviewing the situation, I think my favourite part was when Rafi said that Nuremberg laws weren't good enough for him.

This child will soon be given a semi-automatic rifle and marching orders.

In other news, I'm still profoundly in love with Pandora.

Wank, cigarette, then bed.

Nighty night Diary. xoxo.

[j2k4]

Dear cunt who lives opposite me,

why in the name of fuck do you deem it necessary to park your piece of shit car outside my house every fucking night in life? You've got your own fucking house to deposit that fucking jalopy in front of.

Tonight I will be tampering with your brakes, keying your windscreen and gobbing on your door handles.

Sincerely yours,

Chalice (OfWeeWee)

P.S. Your wife is shockingly ugly and your kids are spotty wee fuckers.


You go, girl! :)

[j2k4]

:glag:


---------------------------------------------------

Dear dad...

As you may or may not know, I've finished school and am going into the army sometime within the next half year.. Is that too bloody difficult to understand? It would make sense I'd like to go and socialize at night with my mates, some of whom are going into the army as we speak, meaning I'd be coming home really (really) late at night.. I in no way think this warrants a fucking yelling session as a wake up call at 12:30 PM on a Friday, just to shout at me you want me to go do the shopping, when you yourself said you'd been out to give the car a run.. How fucking stupid does that sound for gawds sake!?
So yeah, I went out and did the shopping, got the rolls for the weekend, and all you can say whe nI get back in is "fanks, now why didn't you get up earlier?"

Cos I went to sleep at 4:30AM goddamnit!! Fuck sake.. It's not like there's anything to do at home so I can happily stay in and claim to be having a good time, cos that simply isn't what happens.. So let me go out with ma mates and come back late, and understand that's why I wake up so late the next day..


Fucking fuckity fuck.

Rafi (of PishPish)

I'm damn proud of you, son.

Here are your orders:

Be more diplomatic with your folks; keep staying out late, stick to your guns if you must, but maintain your civility, even if they will not.

At the very least, it's good practice.

Call it a life-skill.

Do all of these things.

Do them now.

That is all-

Kev

[j2k4]

Dear cunt who flew out of me windae and broke my downstairs neighbour's shutter box,

you better deliver me my brand new shoes (yes, those you took on your feet and now say you 'lost'), or their retail value of €60, or I'll go to your whore of a mother and ask her for an explanation. Don't think I'm afraid of that. I couldn't give two fucking hoots about her or your failure of a father.

Clearly your parents are raising hoodlums as children; you, a pathetic excuse for a junkie, and your younger brother, soon to be following your very well-chosen footsteps.

I sincerely hope you rot in hell.

I wouldn't speak that way to a dog.






























Kids are another matter. :whistling

[chalice]

Dear Kev,

epistolise your posts in this thread or get the fuck outta Dodge.

Faithfully,

Chalice.

[j2k4]

Dear wetback,

Quit your fucking complaining about the entire country needing to be bilingual. Your reply that some are here legally is complete bullshit. The ones that are here legally would have been here for some time and now have the education to speak and write English so that is pure fucking shite that we should know or be forced to look at every fucking thing in Spanish.

I speak your dirty language when I am at a Jaliscos ordering my tacos. I may be a gringo, but they never correct me at a Jalisco because I know what the fuck I'm saying.

This is The United States of America, Speak English in public or get the fuck out! I don't want to hear some bleach-blonde, hooked-on-America, Mexican cunts side bar conversation about me in the grocery line. I know I'm fucking awesome to the max and your senorita is eye fucking me. I also don't like short, fat, Mexican bitches so they need to get off their high horse and stop wearing shit that shows their fat ass/legs/gut/face.

One last thing - quit dropping babies around every fucking corner. Our health care system is expensive enough as it is without you leeches milking it for free without paying a nickel in taxes!

I sincerely hope we build a 100 foot wall with machine guns triggered automatically by motion sensors, every 50 feet. Die.

Wtf is this shite.




No, really-


What is this


"...that is pure fucking shite..." :huh:

[Skiz]

It isn't a typo if that's what you're insinuating. :snooty:

Shite.... it's pronounced like.... shiite but without the long "E". :unsure:

[j2k4]

Dear old woman who invariably sits beside me on the train in the morning,

you smell of piss and cat and peppermint and hairspray and Chanel No.5. This heady mixture is worse than the sum of it's parts. Next time you sit beside me, I'm gonna find out if you're flammable.

You also breathe funny and talk to yourself on occasion. Stop it. Stop it now.

I remain your obedient servant,

Chalice (OfWeeWee).

My God.

Your life is far worse than any Dante could have imagined while suffering a triple astrological low.


Do you have a light. :whistling

[chalice]

It isn't a typo if that's what you're insinuating. :snooty:

Shite.... it's pronounced like.... shiite but without the long "E". :unsure:

Dear Skizo,

shite is pronounced as shight. So as to rhyme with light or blight or hermaphrodite.

C.

[100%]

To my beloved bed heater,

Please stop throwing your one day contact lenses like pieces of snot into the corner of the room.

Those jewels which you put on your eyes, every day have seen what you have seen.


With friendly regards,

the janitor.

http://b.imagehost.org/0219/640x480.jpg

[The Flying Cow]

100% is the wise surprise.


Or something.

[j2k4]

Dearest Russians of Israel -


It has come to my attention that over the past 20 years, some 1.5 million of you have made it into Israel.. That's all cool and co., except for the simple fact that most of you are FUCKING Russians who try to show no goddamn resemblance to the Jewish nation!
I mean, what would be the point coming to Israel, the state of the Jews, where most probably the idea would be to have a place that would resemble a Jewish people's place, with Jewish rituals/habits (at least to some extent), when most of you simply go about eating your stinky pig meat (no offense to all non-Jews who eat pig, it's just a phrase used to express how pissed I am), not get circumcised (at least some of you), never (EVER) go to shul, not even on the holiest day of them all (when even the most secular people give some sort of respect), eat bread on Passover (yes, some non-Russians do this too, but I'm not talking about them)..

Not only that, but you are probably responsible for the rise in prostitution, binge drinking, and non-kosher-food-eatage.. You fucking cunts. Why did you come here then!?

And no, the fact that some ancient grandfather of yours may have been Jewish.. The fact the Israeli government takes you as that is only because of the Nuremberg Laws.. Fuck sake, not good enough for me.

Go shove all your Russian shite back to Russia, and you can go with it. All your gangsta-egghead-tatted-cuntsters can get the hell out of here, we don't need you whatsoever.

On top of all that, you even brought in a grocery store "dedicated" to sell all your crap here, when you made sure all the workers would be Russians, selling non-Jewish shite which extracts any connection to the Jewish nation from you.. So ya'll can GTFO, right now.


k.thx.bai.

A promising career in diplomacy, up in flames. :dabs:

We'll be ready to testify you were suffering the angst of youth/running a temperature and feverish at the time of your rant. ;)

[j2k4]

...hermaphrodite. C.

Ooooh, and wasn't she a looker. :whistling

[j2k4]

Dear Kev,

epistolise your posts in this thread or get the fuck outta Dodge.

Faithfully,

Chalice.

Working on that, even inclined to, but having a good day nonetheless.

I'll try to turn things around, for purposes hereabout. :whistling

[Something Else]

Dear old woman who invariably sits beside me on the train in the morning,

you smell of piss and cat and peppermint and hairspray and Channel 5.

/fixed. :shifty:

[brotherdoobie]

Skiz and the castrated Jew mod have gone mental and not in a funny way, like...


-bd :ermm:

[Skiz]

It isn't a typo if that's what you're insinuating. :snooty:

Shite.... it's pronounced like.... shiite but without the long "E". :unsure:

Dear Skizo,

shite is pronounced as shight. So as to rhyme with light or blight or hermaphrodite.

C.

I'm what you people would refer to as "pissed up" I belivee, but our pronunciation is the exact same; no need for correction.

[Skiz]

I'm listening to SRV's - Tin Pan Alley tho right now and could not possibly absorb any criticism at the moment, no matter ow relevant.

[tralalala]

Dearest Kev,


To kickstart things off, you're an orsum guy, used to be a great mod (though I can't recall many operations led by you.. :huh:). I've always admired your writing skills and vast vocabulary, and have usually been intrigued by many of your posts, sitting and reading them time after time.


Enough with the bawl-licking and down to business -

For fucks sake, sometimes a man wants to read a post simply for the point of it, without the flowery words and letterage you may use to seem like an educated cawk who thinks his Engerlish is better than others.

What with trying to talk to the likes of Bawa in the DR about shite he'll never agree on, I think posts like "STFU cunt, you're wrong and here are the reasons - 1,2,3" are way better than posts that start with 12 letter words and run along half my page.
It tires my poor eyes and I get pissed trying to understand the combination of the words together.. Use simple forum Engerlish or GTFO.


Sincerely and most humbly,
Rafi



(P.S - If you took any of that complaint letter seriously, I'd think you must be going soft. :lol: First paragraph still says what I think though.. :) ).

[chalice]

Dear old woman who invariably sits beside me on the train in the morning,

you smell of piss and cat and peppermint and hairspray and Channel 5.

/fixed. :shifty:

Dear hottest of all shots on the internets,

I'm afraid you've lost me there.

I await feverishly your further correspondence in this matter.

Warmest wishes,

Chalice (OfWeeWee).

[Something Else]

This burd at school wore a Chanel no.05 T-Shirt once and thought she was hawt.
My mate went up to her and asked why she was wearing a Channel 5 T-Shirt.

I loled. Your post reminded me so I edited it to make myself lol again. :happy:

[chalice]

Fair enough.

I didn't even notice the fix tbh.

You're just getting too subtle these days, you sly fox you.

[Something Else]

Subtle enough for her never to wear it again because of the public shaming. :happy:

[Something Else]

Dear work, plaice.

Why have you provided me with this new assistant.

I need her to do things and she just can't.

I know I needed help and someone to carry whatever I deemed too heavy.

To go out after work and enjoy a bevvy.

This woman tho' She's 55 and hasn't wits about her.

Perhaps she can make my tea and give it a stir.

A nursing home, that's what this has become.

Knee-deep with sub-human scum.

[chalice]

Dear Ancient Greeks,

In reference to that load of pish story you like to call 'Pandora's Box'...

Do you think we're all fucking imbeciles? If the box contained all of the evils of mankind, then what the fuck was 'hope' doing in the box in the first place? Eh?

Personally, I would not regard 'hope' as an evil and neither does my mum. So I will be expecting an apropos revision together with an apology, addressed to every human being who has lived since circa 4000BC.

If these are not forthcoming, then you must consider my subscription terminated.

Angry of Tumbridge Wells.

[chalice]

Dear work, plaice.

Why have you provided me with this new assistant.

I need her to do things and she just can't.

I know I needed help and someone to carry whatever I deemed too heavy.

To go out after work and enjoy a bevvy.

This woman tho' She's 55 and hasn't wits about her.

Perhaps she can make my tea and give it a stir.

A nursing home, that's what this has become.

Knee-deep with sub-human scum.

It rhymes!!!!

Quality, my friend, quality.

[Something Else]

:lol: at Pandora's lie.

Dear restaurants.

You take my hard earned cash and offer me these tiny portions.

Just because i'm eating in a Vietnamese restaurant doesn't mean I have the appetite of a small Asian person. FFS..

Hungry of The Hunnery.

[Acid_death69]

:lol: at Pandora's lie.

Dear restaurants.

You take my hard earned cash and offer me these tiny portions.

Just because i'm eating in a Vietnamese restaurant doesn't mean I have the appetite of a small Asian person. FFS..

Hungry of The Hunnery.
i know what ya mean fella, i cant stand it why when people who pay lots of money for food get such wierd and tiny portions.
also liking the new display pic:p

[kooftspc11]

dear schizo

ooooh dejame ser

i dont know exactly what it is about my posts that you find to be compromising the integrity of this board...but whatever it is, i assure you it is being blown out of proportion. i suppose it's possible you were having a bad day-twice. i just cant help but feel singled out. then again, maybe you're just a bad day having kind of guy.

*shrug*

i'm sorry if you are jealous of the fire which burns in my heart for Stoi. i had no intention of being the rag doll in an e-penis tug'o'war. but alas things were said and actions were taken and its become painfully obvious that i am trapped in the middle of a vicious love triangle. you two need to work things out like men. i'm not a punching bag, schizo. please don't take your love smitten aggression out on me. i am merely an innocent bystander in the unrelenting carnage that is the Labour of Love.

may god have mercy on us all

ps...i want to ride stoi like a pony

pps...sientate, relajate, y callate por favor. el diablo con los guapos will be starting in just a few minutes. we can watch it together if you'd like :)

[Something Else]

Dear wallet

Seventeen fucking quid that meal cost me. I thought i'd be clever and only order 1 dish.

To my dismay the total bill was split between all.

Fucked over to the maxx. :dabs:

[Mr JP Fugley]

Dearest huns

Please stop singing "The famines over, why don't you go home". I was born here, as were my parents, so I'm already home. In any case, at the time of the famine this was home, every bit as much as any other part of Britain. Should Highlanders go "home" because they moved south because of the clearances. Should you go home if your grandparents came over from Ireland, or is it just the Catholics.

New songs same old sectarian bile. Scotland's shame.

I remain as ever,

A Scotsman, with Irish roots.

PS would the Police, or the Scottish Executive allow you to sing these songs about people from Pakistan or India or anywhere else in the World. I think we know the answer to that.

[j2k4]

Dearest Kev,


To kickstart things off, you're an orsum guy, used to be a great mod (though I can't recall many operations led by you.. :huh:). I've always admired your writing skills and vast vocabulary, and have usually been intrigued by many of your posts, sitting and reading them time after time.


Enough with the bawl-licking and down to business -

For fucks sake, sometimes a man wants to read a post simply for the point of it, without the flowery words and letterage you may use to seem like an educated cawk who thinks his Engerlish is better than others.

What with trying to talk to the likes of Bawa in the DR about shite he'll never agree on, I think posts like "STFU cunt, you're wrong and here are the reasons - 1,2,3" are way better than posts that start with 12 letter words and run along half my page.
It tires my poor eyes and I get pissed trying to understand the combination of the words together.. Use simple forum Engerlish or GTFO.


Sincerely and most humbly,
Rafi



(P.S - If you took any of that complaint letter seriously, I'd think you must be going soft. :lol: First paragraph still says what I think though.. :) ).

But I don't like to use the "c" word.

Too often, anyhoo. :)

My rant is ongoing, and my verbosity is an expression of it, hence my resistance to the stuff of this thread.

I do it every day, and don't let it build to unhealthy levels.

So:

Nyah, nyah, and balls to you, with knobs on. :tease:


PS:

Chalice, I really think you should light the old lady.

Really.

[chalice]

Kev,

much as the idea excites me, I'm afraid other factors preclude my immolation of said female of advanced years and body odour.

The collateral risks of setting fire to her are just too grave to sensibly entertain. Such is the volatile chemistry of her convolution of aromatics, I fear the worst case scenario might involve a detonation of nuclear proportions.

Think of the pretty nurse, applying her make-up, mind firmly fixed elsewhere. The spotty teenaged chap with headphones, that expression of forced aplomb now a second skin to him. The paper-rustling businessman, forlorn and nursing his hangover, avoiding thoughts of his impending sexual harassment case.

And then of course, there's yours truly. I really don't want to die.

A more domestic solution is called for here. Formaldehyde spread liberally under the nostrils should suffice. Failing that, a clothes peg applied to the nose might just do the trick.

[Something Else]

Shopping at the fishmarket. :no:

[Mr JP Fugley]

Is that a euphemism.

[chalice]

:eyebrows:

No mate, that is a pronoun and an adjective and an adverb and a conjunction.

True story.

[Mr JP Fugley]

:eyebrows:

No mate, that is a pronoun and or an adjective and or an adverb and or a conjunction.

True story.

Shirley.

[chalice]

What can I say, I'm feeling prolific.

I'm doing a sponsored wordathon.

Once I transcribe the OED, I can donate 17p to the Dyslexia Trust.

[j2k4]

Kev,

much as the idea excites me, I'm afraid other factors preclude my immolation of said female of advanced years and body odour.

The collateral risks of setting fire to her are just too grave to sensibly entertain. Such is the volatile chemistry of her convolution of aromatics, I fear the worst case scenario might involve a detonation of nuclear proportions.

Think of the pretty nurse, applying her make-up, mind firmly fixed elsewhere. The spotty teenaged chap with headphones, that expression of forced aplomb now a second skin to him. The paper-rustling businessman, forlorn and nursing his hangover, avoiding thoughts of his impending sexual harassment case.

And then of course, there's yours truly. I really don't want to die.

A more domestic solution is called for here. Formaldehyde spread liberally under the nostrils should suffice. Failing that, a clothes peg applied to the nose might just do the trick.

What..........








































exactly is "advanced body odo(u)r"?

Is it worse than merely, oh, say...incredibly rank? :whistling

[chalice]

Let's put it this way...

If pedantry could be quantified in terms of smell, you'd make a lovely couple. :whistling

[j2k4]

Let's put it this way...

If pedantry could be quantified in terms of smell, you'd make a lovely couple. :whistling

H4R5H!!

I'm hugely offended. :O

[chalice]

:lol:

[chalice]

Dear ZaZu,

for the love of fuck, please stop posting extremely high def pics in the sexy lady fred.

I've had relationships last longer than the loading time for every fucking page you post on.

Resize them or fuck off.

I wouldn't even mind if they were super hawt bitchez but they're fucking mediocre at best.

Yours,

Moi.

[clocker]

Let's put it this way...

If pedantry could be quantified in terms of smell, you'd make a lovely couple. :whistling
Holy crap!
A "gotcha" of epic proportions.

Manker would be so proud.

[j2k4]

Let's put it this way...

If pedantry could be quantified in terms of smell, you'd make a lovely couple. :whistling
Holy crap!
A "gotcha" of epic proportions.

Manker would be so proud.

You failed to note I was "hugely offended".

I am hugely offended. :whistling

[brotherdoobie]

Dear Landlord,

I drank the rent money.



-bd :cheers:

[chalice]

Holy crap!
A "gotcha" of epic proportions.

Manker would be so proud.

You failed to note I was "hugely offended".

I am hugely offended. :whistling

You don't do offended, Kev. Not so it shows anyway.

It was too good a line to pass up, even if I do say so myself. The opportunity was fleeting and I seized it.

You knows I loves ya. ;)

[tralalala]

Dear mother of my girlfriend -

First off - You've seriously made me hate you over the (near) 7 month period me and your daughter have been together. In fact, when you pop into my mind, the phrase "fuck you" also pops in simultaneously. Coincidence? I think not.

Your daughter is just about 17. She has her needs, and wills. For fucks sake, let her be. I've been coming and staying over at your place a bunch of times, when you rarely let her come over to my place for a couple hours. How fucking lame is that? If you don't trust her, tell ME in MY face, not her.. It doesn't do any good letting me hear form her that you're paranoid about your daughter having sex with me. If that's your problem then welcome to the 21st century.

On top of all that, what's with the screaming and shouting? I'm trying to sleep, bitch. If I've been invited to stay over, try to keep your tempers to a minimum at least until I get up.. Jeebus... :dabs:


To conclude this - You've really managed to piss me off, and I now understand why my girlfriend is a rather sad character who's usually pissed at life. You're the sole reason. Do something about it. Do it now.


Or fuck off and do something else.


Yours kindly and sincerely,
Rafi (OfPishPish)

[Acid_death69]

Dear mother of my girlfriend -

First off - You've seriously made me hate you over the (near) 7 month period me and your daughter have been together. In fact, when you pop into my mind, the phrase "fuck you" also pops in simultaneously. Coincidence? I think not.

Your daughter is just about 17. She has her needs, and wills. For fucks sake, let her be. I've been coming and staying over at your place a bunch of times, when you rarely let her come over to my place for a couple hours. How fucking lame is that? If you don't trust her, tell ME in MY face, not her.. It doesn't do any good letting me hear form her that you're paranoid about your daughter having sex with me. If that's your problem then welcome to the 21st century.

On top of all that, what's with the screaming and shouting? I'm trying to sleep, bitch. If I've been invited to stay over, try to keep your tempers to a minimum at least until I get up.. Jeebus... :dabs:


To conclude this - You've really managed to piss me off, and I now understand why my girlfriend is a rather sad character who's usually pissed at life. You're the sole reason. Do something about it. Do it now.


Or fuck off and do something else.


Yours kindly and sincerely,
Rafi (OfPishPish)
Ive been there fella, my GF's parents are well to protective she's 18 and they bearly let her out of their sights.

[chalice]

You lads obviously don't have daughters.

[IdolEyes787]

Dear Chalice

Thank you for stating the obvious.

Contritely yours,
Idol

[Acid_death69]

well no we dont, and i know i would be protective of her but, i would give her some freedom, she bearly has any. Ive been with her for about 8-9 months and ive never slept over at hers or her over at mine.

[chalice]

well no we dont, and i know i would be protective of her but, i would give her some freedom, she bearly has any. Ive been with her for about 8-9 months and ive never slept over at hers or her over at mine.

It might be a cliché but if she lives under their roof, she lives under their rules. It's their house and their daughter. Think of it from their pov.

It would fucking destroy me to think that some hormonal teenager was diddling my daughter while I slept in my own house.

If the relationship is strong enough it will continue far beyond the parental home. There'll come a time when you get your own place and have all the freedom you can stomach.

Then you'll be sorry. Oh yes.

[JPaul]

Ive been there fella, my GF's parents are well to protective she's 18 and they bearly let her out of their sights.

You being 53 may be a contributing factor.

[tralalala]

@Chalice - Good points.. Indeed.

Though it really pisses me off that she simply screams at her and rarely lets her go places regardless of whether I'm included within it or not (festivals and co. just to state an example), when most of the girls I know could extract some form of freedom from their parents with a little persuading. In my g/f's mom's case, it's nowhere to be seen... :dabs:


Oh, and you state it may be some hormonal teen diddling your daughter.. What if it's your daughter who's the horny one? :huh: (Much like the case in my own hands.... :shifty:)

[j2k4]

You failed to note I was "hugely offended".

I am hugely offended. :whistling

You don't do offended, Kev. Not so it shows anyway.

It was too good a line to pass up, even if I do say so myself. The opportunity was fleeting and I seized it.

You knows I loves ya. ;)

Yeah, I knows.

Thought I'd try 'er on, see what it felt like. :whistling


Dear mother of my girlfriend -

First off - You've seriously made me hate you over the (near) 7 month period me and your daughter have been together. In fact, when you pop into my mind, the phrase "fuck you" also pops in simultaneously. Coincidence? I think not.

Your daughter is just about 17. She has her needs, and wills. For fucks sake, let her be. I've been coming and staying over at your place a bunch of times, when you rarely let her come over to my place for a couple hours. How fucking lame is that? If you don't trust her, tell ME in MY face, not her.. It doesn't do any good letting me hear form her that you're paranoid about your daughter having sex with me. If that's your problem then welcome to the 21st century.

On top of all that, what's with the screaming and shouting? I'm trying to sleep, bitch. If I've been invited to stay over, try to keep your tempers to a minimum at least until I get up.. Jeebus... :dabs:


To conclude this - You've really managed to piss me off, and I now understand why my girlfriend is a rather sad character who's usually pissed at life. You're the sole reason. Do something about it. Do it now.


Or fuck off and do something else.


Yours kindly and sincerely,
Rafi (OfPishPish)

Good God, you're a randy little fucker, Rafi.

If you don't marry her on the other end of this gig, I'd recommend her dad shoot you.

Such behavior.

What will your CO think when you tell him to STFU, cuz you're sleeping. :whistling

[chalice]

Rafi, my daughter will never be horny. Fact.

Her place in a nunnery has been assured since birth.

:shudder:

Right, I'm not thinking about that anymore.

lalalalalalalalalalalalalala

[j2k4]

@Chalice - Good points.. Indeed.

Though it really pisses me off that she simply screams at her and rarely lets her go places regardless of whether I'm included within it or not (festivals and co. just to state an example), when most of the girls I know could extract some form of freedom from their parents with a little persuading. In my g/f's mom's case, it's nowhere to be seen... :dabs:


Oh, and you state it may be some hormonal teen diddling your daughter.. What if it's your daughter who's the horny one? :huh: (Much like the case in my own hands.... :shifty:)

Oh.

Well, then.

Maybe you should talk to them, then, wearing (of course) your adult hat.

Be civil and diplomatic, and don't broach the subject of their daughter's sexual appetites.

Chalice will tell you how that would muck things up, I promise. :whistling

EDIT-

Here's an idea:

Invite them to this thread, after first deleting all references to, uh, you know...

[chalice]

Damn straight Kevin.

[IdolEyes787]

Dear Ophelia

Get thee to a nunn'ry, why woulds't thou be a breeder of sinners?

PS you're breaking my heart.

[tralalala]

Hmm.. So what would I go tell someone who doesn't trust me in the first place?

My g/f's older sister is 20, and has been going out with her b/f for 4.5 years, and her first time staying over at his place was a mere 3 months ago!! :o WTFOMGBBQ!!!!111oneone

I ain't waiting 4 years for her to stay over here.. Too long, no fuckin' chance. The irritating bit is that we live a half hour drive away from each other, so seeing each other is really hard regardless of whatever, plus the fact there's bugger all to do over at her place.. At least where I live there's some places we can go out and enjoy ourselves (not sexually). And no, I can't go pick her up, bring her here, go out, take her back, and come home. That's 2 hours driving for a night out, when I'm using my dad's car and petrol. Fuck that. Tried it once, almost had an accident driving back at 4AM because I was tired and her mum wouldn't let me stay overnight.

Cop that, chalice.

[chalice]

Dear Ophelia

Get thee to a nunn'ry, why woulds't thou be a breeder of sinners?

PS you're breaking my heart.

P.P.S. Learn to fucking swim, you mad fucking bint.

[chalice]

Hmm.. So what would I go tell someone who doesn't trust me in the first place?

My g/f's older sister is 20, and has been going out with her b/f for 4.5 years, and her first time staying over at his place was a mere 3 months ago!! :o WTFOMGBBQ!!!!111oneone

I ain't waiting 4 years for her to stay over here.. Too long, no fuckin' chance. The irritating bit is that we live a half hour drive away from each other, so seeing each other is really hard regardless of whatever, plus the fact there's bugger all to do over at her place.. At least where I live there's some places we can go out and enjoy ourselves (not sexually). And no, I can't go pick her up, bring her here, go out, take her back, and come home. That's 2 hours driving for a night out, when I'm using my dad's car and petrol. Fuck that. Tried it once, almost had an accident driving back at 4AM because I was tired and her mum wouldn't let me stay overnight.

Cop that, chalice.

Have a wank.

[tralalala]

How's that meant to solve my problem? :huh:

[chalice]

It solves all problems. Temporarily at least.

[tralalala]

I'm a long-term solution type of wanker though :unsure:

[chalice]

In the long term, her parents will be dead.

Win.

[Acid_death69]

Rafi, my daughter will never be horny. Fact.

Her place in a nunnery has been assured since birth.

:shudder:

Right, I'm not thinking about that anymore.

lalalalalalalalalalalalalala
lmao:glag: you gonna shot a chastity belt on her or something?

[Skweeky]

Dear fussy eaters,

Me being a hardcore believer in personal freedom, I will support anyone's right to eat or drink what they want.
However, when you look at a dish you have never tried before and by default already describe it as disgusting because you don't know what it may taste like, you really fucking annoy me.


Yours riskily,

Skwee - I'll eat anything at least once- ky

[Skweeky]

Dear Ikea,

I absolutely love your 95p breakfasts, your free refills when I go for a meal in your cafeteria and your cheap, yet stylish looking furniture.
However, it absolutely baffles me as to why you would design a lampshade that doesn't fit a single cord except for the one you specifically designed for it.
Not that I doubt the durability of your products, but I may want to change the lampshade in my nursery at some point in the future.
You have now lured me into your shop twice because you didn't think it necessary to prewarn me on the package that I would need a special cord for this specific lampshade.

Skwee - had to drive 25 minutes to Ikea and back to finally get the nursery finished - ky

[Skweeky]

Dear bewbs,

Please stop leaking. You are ruining my dress.

Yours truly,

Skweedrip

[Skweeky]

Dear pelvis,

I would very much appreciate it if you would reallign yourself again.

Painfully yours,

Skwee - leg lock hurts - ky

[Skweeky]

Dear Ryanair,

when I checked in the pram given to be by my family I wrapped it in plastic so it would not get damaged in transit. I did not appreciate the fact that on leaving the aeroplane I could see the carry cot sitting on the filthy kerosine drenched tarmac minus plastic cover. Cunts

Yours,

Skwee - fuck you insensitive pricks - ky

[tralalala]

Dear bewbs,

Please stop leaking. You are ruining my dress.

Yours truly,

Skweedrip

/pics. obviousment.


@chalice - tewtally post of the day :lol:

[Acid_death69]

Skwee - I'll eat anything at least once- ky
lol im sure you will:whistling

[JPaul]

Dear Ikea,

I absolutely love your 95p breakfasts, your free refills when I go for a meal in your cafeteria and your cheap, yet stylish looking furniture.
However, it absolutely baffles me as to why you would design a lampshade that doesn't fit a single cord except for the one you specifically designed for it.
Not that I doubt the durability of your products, but I may want to change the lampshade in my nursery at some point in the future.
You have now lured me into your shop twice because you didn't think it necessary to prewarn me on the package that I would need a special cord for this specific lampshade.

Skwee - had to drive 25 minutes to Ikea and back to finally get the nursery finished - ky

I always get the meatballs with plastic chips when I go to IKEA. I skip the grayvy tho'.

[tralalala]

Dear Federer -

Quit being a cunt and win a Grand Slam this year, or do something else.

[brotherdoobie]

or something else, mostly...


-bd

[Skweeky]

Dear Ikea,

I absolutely love your 95p breakfasts, your free refills when I go for a meal in your cafeteria and your cheap, yet stylish looking furniture.
However, it absolutely baffles me as to why you would design a lampshade that doesn't fit a single cord except for the one you specifically designed for it.
Not that I doubt the durability of your products, but I may want to change the lampshade in my nursery at some point in the future.
You have now lured me into your shop twice because you didn't think it necessary to prewarn me on the package that I would need a special cord for this specific lampshade.

Skwee - had to drive 25 minutes to Ikea and back to finally get the nursery finished - ky

I always get the meatballs with plastic chips when I go to IKEA. I skip the grayvy tho'.


For some reason they charge 95p for a 25cl bottle of milk, however, you can get a coffee with refill for 75p :o

[Skweeky]

Dear baby,

please stop kicking me in the bladder. It is truly uncomfortable.

Regards,

Mum

[CrabGirl]

Dear Hair-Dye Makers.

When you put a shade of deep red on the box as an indication of final shade of hair once product is used, and the user follows the instructions to the letter, why then has the users hair turned ginger instead of dark red?

Yours in redness

Crab-ginger-girl

[brotherdoobie]

I always get the meatballs with plastic chips when I go to IKEA. I skip the grayvy tho'.


For some reason they charge 95p for a 25cl bottle of milk, however, you can get a coffee with refill for 75p :o


Coffee is cheap. Milk is not. It's simple.


-bd

[Acid_death69]

lol fay is a tamato:p

[IdolEyes787]

Dear Williams sisters

Stop being so good and winning matches.
You are both heinous (especially the young one) and your vile presence diminishes my enjoyment of the sport.

Make me a happy man and walk in front of the nearest bus forthwith.

Women's tennis should be left to the lithe and pretty after all.

Hopefully a future viewer of your funerals,
Idol

[tralalala]

:glag:



Dear food makers -

Why the fuck does my food not turn out the way it looks on your packaging!? :angry: Quit taking the pish out of us all and take a phoatie of what the food REALLY looks like after you've made it, and put THAT on the packaging, not some phoatieshopped image of a nice looking gourmet meal.

Douchbags.

[IdolEyes787]

I have cousin who does the photography for some of the packaging you see.
After carefully arranging things for best effect, they spray it with lacquer to keep it looking fresh.
Maybe you should try that?

[tralalala]

Fucking cunts. Lacquer isn't edible.. Or tasty.

[Skweeky]

Gap in the market for you

[IdolEyes787]

Don't tempt me.

[Skweeky]

You can get the stuff bakers use to put on top of cakes. That's edible

[chalice]

Dear producers of Wife Swap,

oooooooh, what a pack of fucking cunts you truly are.

Every fucking time myself and the missus (inadvisedly) catch ourselves watching your feeble fucking excuse for a show, a row will inevitably ensue. Sure as afterbirth follows birth.

It all starts so innocently. Soon, though She Who Must Be Blinded will find some tenuous affinity with me and whichever cunt of a bloke there happens to be on the show any given week. I defend myself and so the conversation slides into shite.

I'm gonna hunt youse cunts down, light fires on your faces and put them out with a fucking shovel.

Yours,

Avid Viewer.

[CrabGirl]

lol fay is a tamato:p

Nope. I'm a carrot!!!!

[brotherdoobie]

Dear producers of Wife Swap,

oooooooh, what a pack of fucking cunts you truly are.

Every fucking time myself and the missus (inadvisedly) catch ourselves watching your feeble fucking excuse for a show, a row will inevitably ensue. Sure as afterbirth follows birth.

It all starts so innocently. Soon, though She Who Must Be Blinded will find some tenuous affinity with me and whichever cunt of a bloke there happens to be on the show any given week. I defend myself and so the conversation slides into shite.

I'm gonna hunt youse cunts down, light fires on your faces and put them out with a fucking shovel.

Yours,

Avid Viewer.



:lol:


-bd

[Acid_death69]

Dear producers of Wife Swap,

oooooooh, what a pack of fucking cunts you truly are.

Every fucking time myself and the missus (inadvisedly) catch ourselves watching your feeble fucking excuse for a show, a row will inevitably ensue. Sure as afterbirth follows birth.

It all starts so innocently. Soon, though She Who Must Be Blinded will find some tenuous affinity with me and whichever cunt of a bloke there happens to be on the show any given week. I defend myself and so the conversation slides into shite.

I'm gonna hunt youse cunts down, light fires on your faces and put them out with a fucking shovel.

Yours,

Avid Viewer.
I really think you should send them that, would love to see what you get bk if anything.

[IdolEyes787]

Dear producers of Wife Swap,

oooooooh, what a pack of fucking cunts you truly are.

Every fucking time myself and the missus (inadvisedly) catch ourselves watching your feeble fucking excuse for a show, a row will inevitably ensue. Sure as afterbirth follows birth.

It all starts so innocently. Soon, though She Who Must Be Blinded will find some tenuous affinity with me and whichever cunt of a bloke there happens to be on the show any given week. I defend myself and so the conversation slides into shite.

I'm gonna hunt youse cunts down, light fires on your faces and put them out with a fucking shovel.

Yours,

Avid Viewer.

They only took the time to note the avid viewer part and are quite pleased by your letter.

[CrabGirl]

Dear producers of Wife Swap,

oooooooh, what a pack of fucking cunts you truly are.

Every fucking time myself and the missus (inadvisedly) catch ourselves watching your feeble fucking excuse for a show, a row will inevitably ensue. Sure as afterbirth follows birth.

It all starts so innocently. Soon, though She Who Must Be Blinded will find some tenuous affinity with me and whichever cunt of a bloke there happens to be on the show any given week. I defend myself and so the conversation slides into shite.

I'm gonna hunt youse cunts down, light fires on your faces and put them out with a fucking shovel.

Yours,

Avid Viewer.

:glag: Brilliant. You have my sympathies.

[Acid_death69]

hoi carrot top have you got your hair sorted yet? What colour was it supposed to be?

[CrabGirl]

No its pretty much ginger. It was meant to be dark red.

I'll buy some more dye tomorrow and sort it out but for now I am being laughed at.

[Acid_death69]

lol awww bless. who are ya beng laffedat by?

[j2k4]

Dear producers of Wife Swap,

oooooooh, what a pack of fucking cunts you truly are.

Every fucking time myself and the missus (inadvisedly) catch ourselves watching your feeble fucking excuse for a show, a row will inevitably ensue. Sure as afterbirth follows birth.

It all starts so innocently. Soon, though She Who Must Be Blinded will find some tenuous affinity with me and whichever cunt of a bloke there happens to be on the show any given week. I defend myself and so the conversation slides into shite.

I'm gonna hunt youse cunts down, light fires on your faces and put them out with a fucking shovel.

Yours,

Avid Viewer.

A better idea:

Become the bus-lady's agent and market her life as a reality show.

The scratch-n-sniff merchandising could be big. :)

[Biggles]

I'm sensing issues in this thread.

[j2k4]

I'm sensing issues in this thread.

Spotted that, eh? :whistling

[Biggles]

I'm sensing issues in this thread.

Spotted that, eh? :whistling

Well I wasn't sure at first but as I read on I felt the weight of probability leaned that way.

Who says men aren't sensitive? :01:

[IdolEyes787]

Dear Biggles,

Your overwhelming niceness is quite annoying.

Please desist in making a habit of it least I be forced to reciprocate.

Sincerely ,
Use to abuse.

[chalice]

Spotted that, eh? :whistling

Well I wasn't sure at first but as I read on I felt the weight of probability leaned that way.

Who says men aren't sensitive? :01:

The producers of fucking Wife Swap.

True story.

[tralalala]

Dear ESPN -

Why the fuck do you think any of us want to watch the Rock-Paper-Scissors world cup final? Or Fishing? Or log-chopping!? :crazy:

Either put something decent on or go do something else.


Your truly,
A Real Sports Viewer.

[Biggles]

Dear Biggles,

Your overwhelming niceness is quite annoying.

Please desist in making a habit of it least I be forced to reciprocate.

Sincerely ,
Use to abuse.

Decades of Civil Service has its drawbacks :(

I posted this many years ago - I recall Clocker liked it. It is in effect a response to a letter of complaint.

Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more-than-prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we, at the Inland Revenue, have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer, I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores", whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system".

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money. Please forward it by Friday.

Yours sincerely,

H J Lee,
Customer Relations

[Acid_death69]

lol i like how he used the quotes in that letter:lol:

[Skiz]

Dear ESPN -

Why the fuck do you think any of us want to watch the Rock-Paper-Scissors world cup final? Or Fishing? Or log-chopping!? :crazy:

Either put something decent on or go do something else.


Your truly,
A Real Sports Viewer.

Dear Rafi,

WTF?

Fishing rocks the socks.

Who the fuck doesn't like fishing??

Bill Dance > *

[j2k4]

Spotted that, eh? :whistling

Well I wasn't sure at first but as I read on I felt the weight of probability leaned that way.

Who says men aren't sensitive? :01:

Yes, and who's more sensitive than an Inland Revenue accountant. :huh:

[tralalala]

Dear ESPN -

Why the fuck do you think any of us want to watch the Rock-Paper-Scissors world cup final? Or Fishing? Or log-chopping!? :crazy:

Either put something decent on or go do something else.


Your truly,
A Real Sports Viewer.

Dear Rafi,

WTF?

Fishing rocks the socks.

Who the fuck doesn't like fishing??

Bill Dance > *

OMFG you've got to be kidding.. Collecting stamps would be a more interesting sport than fishing..... :blink:

[IdolEyes787]

Not if you're the fish.

[tralalala]

On the contrary - Fish are well known for having one of the world's last 4 Penny Blacks. Trew story.

[Skiz]

Dear ankle,

What did ever do to deserve your loss of support? I get plenty of calcium and protein to keep you health, and yet you gave way today. Now look at you - you've gone and let your anterior talofibular tear, or so im told. Now you're all swollen, you can't move an inch, and you can no longer support your owners weight, or any for that matter.

Get well soon. :dabs:

Ps - please stop sending agonizing pain signals to my brain.

[IdolEyes787]

Sorry to hear that Skiz,soft tissue damage can be worse than breaking something.
Hope you got a good analgesic you might need it for a while.

[Skiz]

Got some Vicodin. :dry:

This shit is excruciating! I've honestly never been in this much pain. Ever. It seems to just get worse with every minute.

I'm off to bed... maybe I can fall asleep.

[CrabGirl]

Dear Employer

When you decide to close a call centre, forcing your employees to look for a new job, could you please be aware that when applying for internal jobs at the new site that they need more then 3 days notice for the interview, particularly if you want them to organise a swish presentaion. This is particularly important for people on the advanced wine course whos lectures you ask us attend without fail but which take up a large chunk, along with working, of those three days. You have left your employee stressed out with no time to breath let alone sleep and would (if your employee was not fabulous) result in poor performace at work, during lectures and at interview.

Also, when you organise an interview for a particular day, could you ensure it is not on the same day as a vital lecture that the interviewer himself wishes us to attend, and if this is unavoidable, could you least ensure that the two events are in the same city and not 200 miles apart forcing your employee to have to travel hundreds of miles in a hire car on an already stressful day?

You have forced your employee to suffer sleep deprevation and early rising as well as suffering extreme panic and stress.

Employer, thank you. You have as usual added to the joy experienced in your employees life.

Kindest Regards

Crab - fucked off and knackered- Girl.

[brotherdoobie]

Got some Vicodin. :dry:

This shit is excruciating! I've honestly never been in this much pain. Ever. It seems to just get worse with every minute.

I'm off to bed... maybe I can fall asleep.

Vicodin are commonly given for the type of injury you have. They're better than Darvocet, ffs.


Get some rest, Skiz. You're going to need it, bro.


-bd :cheers:

[tralalala]

Dear ankle,

What did ever do to deserve your loss of support? I get plenty of calcium and protein to keep you health, and yet you gave way today. Now look at you - you've gone and let your anterior talofibular tear, or so im told. Now you're all swollen, you can't move an inch, and you can no longer support your owners weight, or any for that matter.

Get well soon. :dabs:

Ps - please stop sending agonizing pain signals to my brain.

Calcium helps the bone keep strong.. It doesn't do much in favour of the fibers that hold it all together.. Basically it's a matter of strength of muscles around the ankle, and if you know how to walk or not. I'm guessing the latter reason is the one because of which your ankle is currently screwed :)

[Something Else]

Got some Vicodin. :dry:

This shit is excruciating! I've honestly never been in this much pain. Ever. It seems to just get worse with every minute.

I'm off to bed... maybe I can fall asleep.


I had that same injury. It hurts like a bar steward. :(

[Acid_death69]

Dear Employer

When you decide to close a call centre, forcing your employees to look for a new job, could you please be aware that when applying for internal jobs at the new site that they need more then 3 days notice for the interview, particularly if you want them to organise a swish presentaion. This is particularly important for people on the advanced wine course whos lectures you ask us attend without fail but which take up a large chunk, along with working, of those three days. You have left your employee stressed out with no time to breath let alone sleep and would (if your employee was not fabulous) result in poor performace at work, during lectures and at interview.

Also, when you organise an interview for a particular day, could you ensure it is not on the same day as a vital lecture that the interviewer himself wishes us to attend, and if this is unavoidable, could you least ensure that the two events are in the same city and not 200 miles apart forcing your employee to have to travel hundreds of miles in a hire car on an already stressful day?

You have forced your employee to suffer sleep deprevation and early rising as well as suffering extreme panic and stress.

Employer, thank you. You have as usual added to the joy experienced in your employees life.

Kindest Regards

Crab - fucked off and knackered- Girl.
:console: howz it going CG have you got any stuff done with the presentation?

[tralalala]

Dear Boredom,

Please fuck the hell off and leave me alone, I've never been nasty to you or something like that.. So go away. Like, now.


Yours kindly,
Rafi

[Acid_death69]

Dear eBay
sell my fecking game or else!

Dan

[tralalala]

Dear Google,

Share some of your wealth with me or fuck off and die soon.


k.thx.dai

[Erasmus_Jones]

For those who get the Great Eastern Railway or any trains really.

This is a letter that a friend of a friend has recently written to Great Eastern.

Dear Sir or Madam:

I write this letter out of anger at the state of the train service currently provided by yourselves. Today I have come to the end of my tether. I attempted to phone your customer service number to make a complaint but after being put on hold for 15 minutes I hung up.

I am in complete disbelief at how you can continue charging so much for such a horrific service and wish to let you in on my average morning:-

Every morning I park my car at Seven Kings aiming to board the 7.53am train to Liverpool Street station however since the trains rarely stick to any kind of time table this is irrelevant. I work just outside of Liverpool Street station and start work at 9am, this train should pull about 8.15am allowing plenty of time to be in the office well before 8.30am as well as enabling me to purchase breakfast on the way.

I make my way to the platform to find literally hundreds of others standing on the station, indicating that there has not been a train for some time. I then wait for 10 minutes on the promise of 'the next train arriving at platform 3 will be the delayed 7.02am service (or some such ridiculous time) this train is expected to arrive in 2 minutes'. Five minutes still with no train having appeared I am greeted with the same monotonous voice which I have come to know so well, advising 'the next train to arrive at platform 3 will be the delayed 7.02am service this train is expected to arrive in 2 minutes, this delay has been caused by a signal failure in Greater Manchester'. By this time several thousand commuters are standing on the platform praying that lady luck is shining on them this morning and that when the next train pulls in the doors will by some miracle stop in front of them.

Several commuters are leaning over the platform edge peering into the distance scanning the horizon for a rare sighting of a Great Eastern train which is virtually unheard of before 10am. Gasps of surprise spread along the platform when a train is spotted, however most are unsure whether their eyes are deceiving them. Never entirely convinced myself, I pinch my arm just to ensure this isn't some kind of elaborate dream. A small waive of joy washes over me as I realise it is a train and not a mirage.

Hooray I should be in work by 9am!! However, as the train starts to slow and the windows rush past any previous delight (or perhaps relief) experienced was short lived and has dissentegrated to nothing as I realise there is no way on Gods earth I am squashing my massive (note the sarcasm) 9 stone bulk into the 2 inch gap remaining in each carriage.

So pursues my wait for the 'next train' if ever there will be one. The time now 8.20am breakfast plans are aborted (again) and I realise it is imperative I get on the next train or not only will I arrive at work hungry I will also be late. The next train pulls in and de ja vu kicks in. Packed, packed, packed!!! My fellow commuters (by this time running into millions) look aghast as I stand back about 3 meters, ''what is she doing?''. The train stops and the doors open I take a run up...... a leap....... bang! Yes I'm on!! No one can breathe but at least I'm on. Minor celebrations begin in my head, a small band starts up and I feel rather smug at my good fortune. Everyone on the train is moaning, but what option to I have? 10% of my salary every month goes on to this service and I believe I have a right (although Great Eastern probably disagrees) to board a train. Besides what choice do I have I could be there all day!!

Next challenge, the doors but luckily for me everyone is very experienced and as the familiar beeb beeb beeb sounds everyone inhales and after taking a few blows to either side of my head the doors close and we're off. Well actually we're going about as fast a tortoise with three legs, due to 'adverse weather conditions' which can be translated as 'spitting'.

I suppose this could be deemed as understandable, the train system was designed optimistically I suspect with the expectance of glorious sunshine every day. I dread to think what will happen if the weather gets really bad, perhaps the ceilings will leak, perhaps they are made from canvas because they omitted to consider external stimuli such as rain, and sleet. God help us all if it snows!

Next challenge - Ilford. Not only do I now have a big muddy stain across my cheek and nose where my face has been squashed against the glass but I am fully aware of the fact I will have to fight to keep my place on this carriage especially if anyone wants to get off. What should be a pleasant journey to work is now more like survival of the fittest. Other passengers are now not considered as friendly fellow commuters they are the enemy designed to challenge your staying power and threaten your place on the carriage. Fortunately at Ilford no one needs to get off (phew) but now there are about 40 people charging at me who all appear keen to join us on our 'adventure' to work - 1 lucky man makes it. By this stage the number of passengers present in each carriage is the equivalent of cramming about 100 sardines into a standard sized tin. We are so tightly packed in I cannot move my hands to get a tissue from my pocket to wipe my nose, I can feel a mobile phone vibrating in my pocket which I realise is not mine it belongs to the lady attached to my right hand side. On top of this the heat is unbearable I have sweat running down my forehead which I am powerless to do anything about. The 1 inch gap designed to ventilate the trains appear to be more designed as 'a little joke' by Great Eastern, who in the peak of British summer time took great pleasure in permanently wedging then half shut so they open barely a centimetre. In fact I'm half surprised they haven't been glued completely shut for additional 'fun'.

Eventually after the train has reluctantly dragged its feet into Stratford, the passengers who have now all bonded together to form a putty like human square burst open onto the platform and now its time for the recovery process. I take my hair down in an effort to dry the sweat out of it, I try to wipe the mud off of my face, I pick off the snot which has dried in a crusty trail from my nose to my upper lip and also try to regain the use of my body parts which have ceased up due to excessive pins and needles.

We are then greeted at Liverpool Street station by stadium sized crowds queuing to get through the barriers. And after this I sprint to work like Linford Christie, scraping in by the skin of my teeth for 9am, looking like I've been dragged through a hedge backwards and understandably in a 'great' mood.

A few comments for you to take on board:-


Don't add insult to injury by 'thanking us for travelling with Great Eastern', as its certainly not something 99% of the passengers 'choose' they are just unfortunate enough to live near to one of your dire train stations.
Do not ask us to accept your apologies for the delay, you should be apologising for the abysmal service, the over-packed trains and the extortionate price of travel.
Perhaps the layout of the trains could be reconsidered, you are never going to be able to provide enough trains, so perhaps you could rip out the seats and everyone could stand up. You could then sell the seats at a car boot sale and perhaps offer a refund or Christmas bonus type scheme for season ticket holders..
Why not consider a name change? I can't think of a more ill-fitting name than 'Great Eastern' I should think 'Shite Eastern' would be far more appropriate.


I trust someone will have the decency to read and respond to this letter, and perhaps even consider taking some of my innovative ideas on board.

I look forward to your explanation, and proposed plans for improvements.

Regards,

[Acid_death69]

So did he get anything bk?

[clocker]

For those who get the Great Eastern Railway or any trains really.

This is a letter that a friend of a friend has recently written to Great Eastern.
....blah, blah, blah...

This letter fails on two counts.
It is far too long.
Rage and sarcasm are enhanced by brevity.

No mention is made of the enclosed explosive device.
It's only fair to give your victim a bit of warning.

[Erasmus_Jones]

For those who get the Great Eastern Railway or any trains really.

This is a letter that a friend of a friend has recently written to Great Eastern.
....blah, blah, blah...

This letter fails on two counts.
It is far too long.
Rage and sarcasm are enhanced by brevity.

No mention is made of the enclosed explosive device.
It's only fair to give your victim a bit of warning.

You probably won't like this one either then.

A real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL from their complaints
dept....




Dear Cretins

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your
3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service
which I
had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity
of monolithic proportions.

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either
pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these
difficulties -
or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading
material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking
vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting
in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive.

When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to
your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman
telling me to look at your helpful website.... how?

I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testicles
for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and
highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although
the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a
drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further
telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived
... a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%...these
are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and
most of the useful periods over the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone
calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully
transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also
highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will
call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me
back);
that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone
line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to
someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then
been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is
closed); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a
telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating
Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in
print than to shout them at your unending hold music.

Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of
god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
anyone else is there?

How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable
dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you
truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents
of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like
brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your
seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to
receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and
cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the
services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision,
and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter
tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and
your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of
posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the
very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

[tralalala]

Dear Erasmus Jones,

Write shorter letters of complaint or GTFO.


Kindly,
Rafi (OfPishPish)

[clocker]

You probably won't like this one either then.


How well you know me.

This one was not only too long (again!) but only semi-coherent...I mean really, "monolithic proportions"?

The biggest failure however was the cat poop.
He not only revealed himself as a cat owner- hardly a terrifying breed to begin with- but most telling, as someone willing to handle cat feces.
Any customer service rep worth their salt would know this guy is most likely to die of feline enteric zoonoses before he crawls out of his Mom's basement.

[Something Else]

You can add clocker to your ignore list if you like. Most people do. :smilie4:

[Acid_death69]

Why? what's wrong with clocker?

[Skiz]

Dear bittard mod,

Quit your belly-aching and quit trying to change someone else's website. You have you own, so piss off. There things in this world which you cannot change, and I only listen to your rants out of courtesy.

Suck it up, ffs.

-Skizo

[Something Else]

Dear bittard mod,

Quit your belly-aching and quit trying to change someone else's website. You have you own, so piss off. There things in this world which you cannot change, and I only listen to your rants out of courtesy.

Suck it up, ffs.

-Skizo

That's a bit mean. Poor detale.

[tralalala]

Hoi, Skizo, if you're talking about me I'm going to buttrape you and make you die a slow and painful death by tying you down and having drops of water fall slowly onto your forehead, till eventually you'll get a headache so bad any type of sound will cause you excruciating pain.



:)

[Skiz]

I wasn't referring to any mods on this site. I can see how that might have been confusing tho.

[Something Else]

I wasn't referring to any mods on this site. I can see how that might have been confusing tho.

It wasn't confusing. It was just the slow kid being slow.

[tralalala]

Slow kid? I can run 100 meters in 9.68 seconds. Fact.

[Something Else]

Slow kid? I can run 100 meters in 9.68 seconds. Fact.

OK. The fast, racist kid.

[tralalala]

Better.

[IdolEyes787]

I thought that Israeli's never ran .More like a measured retreat.

[tralalala]

Unless they originate from Ethiopia.. :lol: Those are our only runner tbh.. Sad really.

[j2k4]

I wasn't referring to any mods on this site. I can see how that might have been confusing tho.

I'd bet on the kid, what with your bum pin.

Can you fight from a prone position against Israel's finest? :naughty:


Slow kid? I can run 100 meters in 9.68 seconds. Fact.

That would make you a pretty big kid, and not from friggin' Israel, either.

I hereby withdraw my bet.













A girl leaning over my shoulder just intimated the following:

"That's not so fast; everyone knows seconds are longer than yards..."

An authentic blonde, too. :dabs:

[chalice]

Dear Karmic Cyst on my chest,

your vocation has been fulfilled. Balance has been restored to the universe, you can be on your merry fucking way now.

I know why you appeared initially. It was a poetic punishment, I accept that. That girl who I liked while living in Holland in my impetuous youth. I recall (patchily) that day we spent together, wandering about, wopped out to the willikers. Romance was young and tangible then. As we trembled together in a scabies infested sleeping bag, she confessed to me her fears of a lump upon her breast.

Genuinely concerned, I urged her doctorwards, just to be on the safey. Upon her return, boob in bandage after having had that cyst removed, what a cunt I was not to approach her with words of comfort. Instead, I got fucked up on chemicals with my mates while she huddled alone in a caravan, sporadically twitching the frayed curtains.

Soon after my return, you appeared. As if transfered from her to me. And you've been there ever since. I kept you for a while, out of guilt, refusing that routine, surgery a GP could perform in seconds. I think I've paid that debt now so I'll be expecting you to vacate my corporeal form forthwith, if you don't mind.

Yours humbly,

your deserving victim.

[Skweeky]

Dear pelvis,

I asked you yesterday to kindly reallign yourself and stop causing me excrutiating pain at unexpected moments.
Due to your inability to comply with this simple request you will now be janked into place tomorrow.
I hope you are happy.

Cripply yours,

Skwee- ouch that fucking hurts - ky

[Acid_death69]

how will you reallign your pelivs?????

[j2k4]

Dear Karmic Cyst on my chest,

your vocation has been fulfilled. Balance has been restored to the universe, you can be on your merry fucking way now.

I know why you appeared initially. It was a poetic punishment, I accept that. That girl who I liked while living in Holland in my impetuous youth. I recall (patchily) that day we spent together, wandering about, wopped out to the willikers. Romance was young and tangible then. As we trembled together in a scabies infested sleeping bag, she confessed to me her fears of a lump upon her breast.

Genuinely concerned, I urged her doctorwards, just to be on the safey. Upon her return, boob in bandage after having had that cyst removed, what a cunt I was not to approach her with words of comfort. Instead, I got fucked up on chemicals with my mates while she huddled alone in a caravan, sporadically twitching the frayed curtains.

Soon after my return, you appeared. As if transfered from her to me. And you've been there ever since. I kept you for a while, out of guilt, refusing that routine, surgery a GP could perform in seconds. I think I've paid that debt now so I'll be expecting you to vacate my corporeal form forthwith, if you don't mind.

Yours humbly,

your deserving victim.

Have to concur with that sentiment.

My wife's greatest grace is her ability to forgive me my shortcomings.

She's quite something. :)

[chalice]

It's not a metaphorical cyst, Kev.

It's the real physical deal, imbued by Karma.

True story.

[Something Else]

I wasn't sure whether he tewtally didn't get it or was off on a tangerine.

[j2k4]

It's not a metaphorical cyst, Kev.

It's the real physical deal, imbued by Karma.

True story.

Yes, and glad you're all well, but, I did say sentiment, not ailment.

True story. :)

EDIT:

Truth is, I'm weak for my wife.

It's cool, though.

[chalice]

It's not a metaphorical cyst, Kev.

It's the real physical deal, imbued by Karma.

True story.

Yes, and glad you're all well, but, I did say sentiment, not ailment.

True story. :)

EDIT:

Truth is, I'm weak for my wife.

It's cool, though.

As it should be.

However, my missus didn't happen along until several years later.

Still, that moment of cuntiness has taken root in my conscience and my body.

I saw the girl several years later and the permafrost I received in conversation, confirmed my guilt.

:(

[j2k4]

Yes, and glad you're all well, but, I did say sentiment, not ailment.

True story. :)

EDIT:

Truth is, I'm weak for my wife.

It's cool, though.

As it should be.

However, my missus didn't happen along until several years later.

Still, that moment of cuntiness has taken root in my conscience and my body.

I saw the girl several years later and the permafrost I received in conversation, confirmed my guilt.

:(

You have my empathy.

I, too, have suffered the discomfiture of HIA.

Been years, though. :dabs:

[brotherdoobie]

Slow kid? I can run 100 meters in 9.68 seconds. Fact.


:dabs:


-bd

[snakebite]

:thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup: That all I can say and went for 18 pages wow

[Acid_death69]

lol indeed just full of complaints:p

[Skweeky]

Dear cunting pelvis joint,

you have managed to overstretch yourself and thus making any normal walking movement impossible. Due to your inability to behave like a normal body part I am now forced to wear a very unfashonable support belt and walk with a crutch.
We will be looking at replacing you at the earliest.

Regards,

Skweeky

[Skiz]

Crutch buddies then, eh? :01:

[JPaul]

Fuck sake Skizo, are you one of the gays.

I did my left ankle yonks ago, I think I reported the details here. Severe trauma and grossly weakened, pain on a daily basis particularly if it's a wee bit cold or damp.

Crutches are just a crutch

[Skiz]

If I didn't have crutches, I would be dragging myself around the house by my hands.

We aren't talking about a weakened ankle. It's done for a bit. Totally out of commission. I can't move the foot in the slightest bit. I can't even move my toes. My toes are numb ffs, but since they aren't turning blue they must be getting circulation and I'm not worried about them, yet. I can't stand on it. At all. No way, no how.

My foot remains in a natural position which places the toes lower than the heel when in a quasi-standing position. I can't put my foot down or my foot would bend several inches at the ankle. I've got a pretty good pain threshold, but I would be screaming bloody murder if that happened. I've tried standing with just the heel on the edge of the tub when entering/exiting the shower and can only put the slightest amount of weight on it to give me a bit of balance.

Not sure what your injury was but mine sounds worse from this end. :unsure:

[KFlint]

Dear real estate compagny ReMax,

For the 7th time so far this year, NO i don't want to sell my fucking appartment

Don't tell me it's not the same seller that calls me every time, i don't care, you are all in the same compagny.... communicate!!

next time i'm gonna pull off all your signs in my neighborhood :dry:

[tralalala]

Dear 100%,

Post all your half-wit freds in one - Say, the 20 dawler fred. kthxbai.


On another note, Skiz, how did you acquire this most severe injury again?

[j2k4]

Fuck sake Skizo, are you one of the gays.

I did my left ankle yonks ago, I think I reported the details here. Severe trauma and grossly weakened, pain on a daily basis particularly if it's a wee bit cold or damp.

Crutches are just a crutch

Right.

I got shot in the ankle at age 13; they told me they'd pin it - the pin was 1/4 SAE stainless, with washers and a lock-nut to match.

Well, it hurt, sure, but golly gee, Skiz...:rolleyes:

[Proper Bo]

Not sure what your injury was but mine sounds worse from this end. :unsure:

His foot got cut off.

[brotherdoobie]

Dear 100%,

Post all your half-wit freds in one - Say, the 20 dawler fred. kthxbai.


On another note, Skiz, how did you acquire this most severe injury again?

You only enjoy the obvious, eh?


-bd :(

[tralalala]

Fuck sake Skizo, are you one of the gays.

I did my left ankle yonks ago, I think I reported the details here. Severe trauma and grossly weakened, pain on a daily basis particularly if it's a wee bit cold or damp.

Crutches are just a crutch

Right.

I got shot in the ankle at age 13; they told me they'd pin it - the pin was 1/4 SAE stainless, with washers and a lock-nut to match.

Well, it hurt, sure, but golly gee, Skiz...:rolleyes:

Who shot you in the leg at 13!? :blink:

That's like.. Harsh to the max.

[The Flying Cow]

There'll come a time when you get your own place and have all the freedom you can stomach.

Then you'll be sorry. Oh yes.

The man speaks nothing but the truth.

Listen to him.

[clocker]

Right.

I got shot in the ankle at age 13; they told me they'd pin it - the pin was 1/4 SAE stainless, with washers and a lock-nut to match.

Well, it hurt, sure, but golly gee, Skiz...:rolleyes:

Who shot you in the leg at 13!? :blink:

That's like.. Harsh to the max.
Probably an outraged Democrat.
Kev was conservative before conservative was cool.

Little known fact:
Alex Keaton was based on j2.

[Biggles]

My dearest bastards,

Thank you for chuckling and cooing as your baby screamed the entire train journey home tonight.

I hate you! - True story.

and to the Train Driver who got us in 15 minutes late....you are in my little black book too :angry:

[Skweeky]

Insensitive bar steward :snooty:

I would like to remind u of the time when u had screaming weanes and they wouldnae shut up.

[Biggles]

Insensitive bar steward :snooty:

I would like to remind u of the time when u had screaming weanes and they wouldnae shut up.

Hmmmph! mine were cute and loveable :ermm:

[Acid_death69]

i like the use of the word 'were' in that sentence :lol:

[Skweeky]

Insensitive bar steward :snooty:

I would like to remind u of the time when u had screaming weanes and they wouldnae shut up.

Hmmmph! mine were cute and loveable :ermm:

Aye right :lol:

[Biggles]

i like the use of the word 'were' in that sentence :lol:

As the youngest has posted here in the past I can't get away with are :ermm:

[j2k4]

Who shot you in the leg at 13!? :blink:

That's like.. Harsh to the max.
Probably an outraged Democrat.
Kev was conservative before conservative was cool.

Little known fact:
Alex Keaton was based on j2.

How?

I'm older.

The guy who shot me eschewed gun safety just long enough to pull the trigger.

Actually, while target shooting, a friend (properly muzzle-down) turned to me to say,"nice shot!" while his gun was pointed at my leg.

I've always thought it was his exuberance for my effort, rather than early-manifesting corporate greed. :(

[JPaul]

If I didn't have crutches, I would be dragging myself around the house by my hands.

We aren't talking about a weakened ankle. It's done for a bit. Totally out of commission. I can't move the foot in the slightest bit. I can't even move my toes. My toes are numb ffs, but since they aren't turning blue they must be getting circulation and I'm not worried about them, yet. I can't stand on it. At all. No way, no how.

My foot remains in a natural position which places the toes lower than the heel when in a quasi-standing position. I can't put my foot down or my foot would bend several inches at the ankle. I've got a pretty good pain threshold, but I would be screaming bloody murder if that happened. I've tried standing with just the heel on the edge of the tub when entering/exiting the shower and can only put the slightest amount of weight on it to give me a bit of balance.

Not sure what your injury was but mine sounds worse from this end. :unsure:

I'm taking that as a yes, one of the gays.

Mine was torn ligaments, caused by what the Doctor called a severe trauma. When I say grossly weakened I don't mean at the time, I mean for the rest of my life.

9 weeks off work, then a few months physio and exercises I have to do on a daily basis. Sometimes one is busy and forgets, or forgets to walk every hour or so just to keep it moving.

[JPaul]

Fuck sake Skizo, are you one of the gays.

I did my left ankle yonks ago, I think I reported the details here. Severe trauma and grossly weakened, pain on a daily basis particularly if it's a wee bit cold or damp.

Crutches are just a crutch

Right.

I got shot in the ankle at age 13; they told me they'd pin it - the pin was 1/4 SAE stainless, with washers and a lock-nut to match.

Well, it hurt, sure, but golly gee, Skiz...:rolleyes:

:lol:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xe1a1wHxTyo

[j2k4]

Hmmmph! mine were cute and loveable :ermm:

Aye right :lol:

Les-

I suggest you inform SGG soonest.

She'll want to know she's being dissed by another burd. :naughty:

[Skiz]

Screw you guys. My Mom says I'm a "trooper". :snooty:

[Skweeky]

Insensitive bar steward :snooty:

I would like to remind u of the time when u had screaming weanes and they wouldnae shut up.

Hmmmph! mine were cute and loveable :ermm:

Aye right :lol:

[j2k4]

Screw you guys. My Mom says I'm a "trooper". :snooty:



If I didn't have crutches, I would be dragging myself around the house by my hands.

We aren't talking about a weakened ankle. It's done for a bit. Totally out of commission. I can't move the foot in the slightest bit. I can't even move my toes. My toes are numb ffs, but since they aren't turning blue they must be getting circulation and I'm not worried about them, yet. I can't stand on it. At all. No way, no how.

My foot remains in a natural position which places the toes lower than the heel when in a quasi-standing position. I can't put my foot down or my foot would bend several inches at the ankle. I've got a pretty good pain threshold, but I would be screaming bloody murder if that happened. I've tried standing with just the heel on the edge of the tub when entering/exiting the shower and can only put the slightest amount of weight on it to give me a bit of balance.

Not sure what your injury was but mine sounds worse from this end. :unsure:

I'm taking that as a yes, one of the gays.

Mine was torn ligaments, caused by what the Doctor called a severe trauma. When I say grossly weakened I don't mean at the time, I mean for the rest of my life.

9 weeks off work, then a few months physio and exercises I have to do on a daily basis. Sometimes one is busy and forgets, or forgets to walk every hour or so just to keep it moving.

Skizo-

Scots-Irish blood apparently keeps you from healing for the rest of your life.

Have you any.

Not life, but the blood, I mean.

[Skweeky]

I don't know really know how that post got on two different pages :fear:

edit: Kev, it's too much apple obviousement.

[Biggles]

Hmmmph! mine were cute and loveable :ermm:

Aye right :lol:

I detect disbelief :snooty:

[Skweeky]

You're an accountant. You must have passed on a reasonable measure of evil.

[Biggles]

You're an accountant. You must have passed on a reasonable measure of evil.

In SGG's case with accrued interest :ermm:

[JPaul]

If I didn't have crutches, I would be dragging myself around the house by my hands.

We aren't talking about a weakened ankle. It's done for a bit. Totally out of commission. I can't move the foot in the slightest bit. I can't even move my toes. My toes are numb ffs, but since they aren't turning blue they must be getting circulation and I'm not worried about them, yet. I can't stand on it. At all. No way, no how.

My foot remains in a natural position which places the toes lower than the heel when in a quasi-standing position. I can't put my foot down or my foot would bend several inches at the ankle. I've got a pretty good pain threshold, but I would be screaming bloody murder if that happened. I've tried standing with just the heel on the edge of the tub when entering/exiting the shower and can only put the slightest amount of weight on it to give me a bit of balance.

Not sure what your injury was but mine sounds worse from this end. :unsure:

I'm taking that as a yes, one of the gays.

Mine was torn ligaments, caused by what the Doctor called a severe trauma. When I say grossly weakened I don't mean at the time, I mean for the rest of my life.

9 weeks off work, then a few months physio and exercises I have to do on a daily basis. Sometimes one is busy and forgets, or forgets to walk every hour or so just to keep it moving.

Skizo-

Scots-Irish blood apparently keeps you from healing for the rest of your life.

Have you any.

Not life, but the blood, I mean.

Indeed but you don't wander around on crutches like a wee lassie.

Or one of the gays.

[Skiz]

I'm taking that as a yes, one of the gays.

Mine was torn ligaments, caused by what the Doctor called a severe trauma. When I say grossly weakened I don't mean at the time, I mean for the rest of my life.

9 weeks off work, then a few months physio and exercises I have to do on a daily basis. Sometimes one is busy and forgets, or forgets to walk every hour or so just to keep it moving.

Skizo-

Scots-Irish blood apparently keeps you from healing for the rest of your life.

Have you any.

Not life, but the blood, I mean.

Indeed but you don't wander around on crutches like a wee lassie.

Or one of the gays.

I certainly don't take basic injuries which don't require crutches and stretch them out for nine fucking weeks.

According to the doc, I have torn a particular ligament, making my injury that of a common nature and should expect to be down and out for 2-3 weeks and should be using crutches until the pain subsides.

Maybe you had a lesser injury and drug it out for nine weeks by not letting it heal properly.

Call me a lassie or a gay all you like, but I expect to be doing jumping jacks in 2 weeks. :)

[Skweeky]

I've been wandering around on one crutch all day. True story.

[brotherdoobie]

I've been wandering around on one crutch all day. True story.

Yes, but you're walking for two.


-bd

[j2k4]

Skizo-

Scots-Irish blood apparently keeps you from healing for the rest of your life.

Have you any.

Not life, but the blood, I mean.

Indeed but you don't wander around on crutches like a wee lassie.

Or one of the gays.

I certainly don't take basic injuries which don't require crutches and stretch them out for nine fucking weeks.

According to the doc, I have torn a particular ligament, making my injury that of a common nature and should expect to be down and out for 2-3 weeks and should be using crutches until the pain subsides.

Maybe you had a lesser injury and drug it out for nine weeks by not letting it heal properly.

Call me a lassie or a gay all you like, but I expect to be doing jumping jacks in 2 weeks. :)

The particular ligament, you say.

Odd. :whistling

[brotherdoobie]

Indeed but you don't wander around on crutches like a wee lassie.

Or one of the gays.

I certainly don't take basic injuries which don't require crutches and stretch them out for nine fucking weeks.

According to the doc, I have torn a particular ligament, making my injury that of a common nature and should expect to be down and out for 2-3 weeks and should be using crutches until the pain subsides.

Maybe you had a lesser injury and drug it out for nine weeks by not letting it heal properly.

Call me a lassie or a gay all you like, but I expect to be doing jumping jacks in 2 weeks. :)

The particular ligament, you say.

Odd. :whistling

It's actually called the fastidious ligament, but why bother with being persnickety.


-bd

[j2k4]

I certainly don't take basic injuries which don't require crutches and stretch them out for nine fucking weeks.

According to the doc, I have torn a particular ligament, making my injury that of a common nature and should expect to be down and out for 2-3 weeks and should be using crutches until the pain subsides.

Maybe you had a lesser injury and drug it out for nine weeks by not letting it heal properly.

Call me a lassie or a gay all you like, but I expect to be doing jumping jacks in 2 weeks. :)

The particular ligament, you say.

Odd. :whistling

It's actually called the fastidious ligament, but why bother with being persnickety.


-bd

Or pecksniffian.

[Skweeky]

I've been wandering around on one crutch all day. True story.

Yes, but you're walking for two.


-bd

True

I deserve another crutch I think.

Am off for the rest of the afternoon now so I predict junk on tv and chocolate eating. I may even venture into the kitchen and make dinner at some point.

[JPaul]

Skizo-

Scots-Irish blood apparently keeps you from healing for the rest of your life.

Have you any.

Not life, but the blood, I mean.

Indeed but you don't wander around on crutches like a wee lassie.

Or one of the gays.

I certainly don't take basic injuries which don't require crutches and stretch them out for nine fucking weeks.

According to the doc, I have torn a particular ligament, making my injury that of a common nature and should expect to be down and out for 2-3 weeks and should be using crutches until the pain subsides.

Maybe you had a lesser injury and drug it out for nine weeks by not letting it heal properly.

Call me a lassie or a gay all you like, but I expect to be doing jumping jacks in 2 weeks. :)

Walking up this hill the day after I did it was part of the problem actually.

http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1297/897721218_cdbd96d374.jpg?v=0

It's called calvary and is in Pollenca (Mallorca) it's 365 steps all told.

"drug it out" is linguistic genious btw.

[Acid_death69]

god i would hate to walk up that ever day:s

[Something Else]

I use the escalator. :happy:

http://www.dgolds.com/photos/spain2003/images/guellPark/web/001Escalator.jpeg

http://lh5.ggpht.com/_8zyYYTarPdk/R_uD1emAWlI/AAAAAAAAC4w/VTRBztkw2do/IMG_2661.JPG

[JPaul]

Had I been in Barcelona I would have considered doing the same.

[Something Else]

I was and I did. :happy:

[JPaul]

I've been in Barcelona

Went there with squarehead to buy a Larsson top.

Flew over, stayed one night, went to the Camp Nou had a look about, bought the top, flew home.

True story.

[Skweeky]

Who's squarehead?

[JPaul]

No2 son.

[JPaul]

I posted some phoaties of him at Paradise meeting players. Hid his face using a white square. Made him look like he had a square heid.

It was at cheebus.org

[Something Else]

:lol:

Squarehead FTW!

I stayed there for a few days with the missus.
We drew postcards for our friends and smoked hash. It was win.

:happy:

[lynx]

Dear Hand,

You clumsy bastard.

That was nearly half a pound of coffee you spilt on the floor.
I ought to make you clear it up on your own.

There's only one word to describe you - WANKER.


Thanks for your attention.

[IdolEyes787]

Dear dewy creature that I am currently involved with,

No I do not consider myself "cold" or "unfeeling " for not wishing to take our relationship to "the next level".

Until now I was quite happy was the level that it was at.

However since our conversation I am now thinking that we should instead maybe move back a level.

I will text you with the details.

Yours ardently,
Man Toy.

[Acid_death69]

Dear mother board,
Why have you decided to finally go, you only had to wait 20 some days till i got another one! Your not even a year old and yet, you have been showing signs of aging for the past two months. I believe you just dearly love to piss me off.

Yours sincerely
Pissed off user!

[clocker]

Dear dewy creature that I am currently involved with,

No I do not consider myself "cold" or "unfeeling " for not wishing to take our relationship to "the next level".

Until now I was quite happy was the level that it was at.

However since our conversation I am now thinking that we should instead maybe move back a level.

I will text you with the details.

Yours ardently,
Man Toy.
Russian mail-order-brides can be sooo demanding.

I know this from personal experience.
My trunk is full of 'em.

[Acid_death69]

lol no wonder you need new stuff for ya car clocker:p

[IdolEyes787]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6yD92BLKt0

[j2k4]

Dear dewy creature that I am currently involved with,

No I do not consider myself "cold" or "unfeeling " for not wishing to take our relationship to "the next level".

Until now I was quite happy was the level that it was at.

However since our conversation I am now thinking that we should instead maybe move back a level.

I will text you with the details.

Yours ardently,
Man Toy.
Russian mail-order-brides can be sooo demanding.

I know this from personal experience.
My trunk is full of 'em.

I've heard they're kinda like an old Bultaco Pursang; take a new one apart and refit everything by hand, and they'll go like hell for about 45 minutes before needing a total rebuild. :dabs:

[j2k4]

Dear Hand,

You clumsy bastard.

That was nearly half a pound of coffee you spilt on the floor.
I ought to make you clear it up on your own.

There's only one word to describe you - WANKER.


Thanks for your attention.

Too much coffee, perhaps. :mellow:

[clocker]

Dear cricket outside my window,

I know your chirping is intended to attract a mate but let's face facts- it's September now and if you haven't gotten laid yet, a better cricket has won.
You will die a virgin, get over it.

Thanks for your consideration.

[brotherdoobie]

Dear last beer,

Why did you leap to your death and ruin the remainder of my night?
Why...


-bd :(

[Skweeky]

Dear pelvic joints,

you have now completely given out. A crutch does not longer suffice to replace you. It looks like I won't be going out of the house much for the next 9 weeks. I can't believe you have done this to me after 25 years of cooperation.

Skwouch

[Something Else]

Bastards. :no:

[tralalala]

Dear Arabic,

Please make yourself an easier language to learn, so I can get a l33t job in the IDF.

kthxbai.

[Skweeky]

I heard Arabic is actually fairly straight forward once you master the different alphabet.

[Something Else]

Unlike Hungarian. :fear:

[JPaul]

What do you think a 1337 job in the IDF would be.

[Something Else]

International Diabetes Federation or Israeli Defence Forces. :unsure:

[JPaul]

Oh he's diabetic. Maybe the worst of the racism only comes out when he's hyperglycaemic.

[tralalala]

What do you think a 1337 job in the IDF would be.

Intelligence force. Working with the Mossad/Shabak (equivalent to the MI5 and MI6). Dealing with policies about war/peace. There's plenty of stuff to do there.. If I could master Arabic in 5 months, I'd probably get in there pretty easily.

[JPaul]

You've got them the wrong way round, however other than that, what makes you interested in that line of work.

[Skweeky]

I reckon I could master Arabic in 5 months, providing I had nothing else to do.
The basics of any language can be learnt in under month, the rest of it comes by reading, listening and writing it. True story.