Daily Jokes

[Pikachu]

Jim came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his coworkers, Ted, noticed and asked Jim what happened. Jim replied: "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while."

Ted said: "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."

Jim responded: "I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup Playoffs and I put my foot through the television."

[Pikachu]

Q: What should you do if ever you're attacked by a vicious gang of clowns?

A: Go for the juggler.

[Pikachu]

A passenger piled his cases on the scale at an airline counter in New York and said to the clerk:

"I'm flying to Los Angeles. I want the square case to go to Denver and the two round ones to go to Seattle."

"I'm sorry, sir," the clerk replied: "but we can't do that."

"Why not?" the man asked: "You did it last time!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall, with a very strange look on his face. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what's up.

"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrup," the clerk explains: "So I gave him a box of laxatives and told him to take it all at once."

"Laxatives won't cure a cough, you idiot," the owner shouts angrily.

"Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall: "Look at him. He's too afraid to cough."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A farmer, who went to a big city to see the sights, asked the hotel clerk when meals were served.
"Breakfast is served from 7 a.m. to 11 a.m., dinner from 12 p.m. to 3 p.m., and supper from 6 p.m. to 8 p.m.," explained the clerk.

"Look here," inquired the farmer in surprise: "When am I ever going to get time to see the city?"

[Pikachu]

A beautiful young woman about to undergo a minor operation is lying on a gurney in a hospital corridor awaiting the medical staff.

A man in a white coat approaches her, lifts up the sheet and visually examines her naked body. He walks away and confers with another man in a white coat. The second man then approaches the girl and performs the same examination.

When a third man approaches her, she asks impatiently: "These examinations are fine, but when are you going to start the operation?"

He shrugs and says: "Your guess is as good as mine, lady. We're just here to paint the halls."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What should you do if ever you're attacked by a vicious gang of clowns?

A: Go for the juggler.

[Pikachu]

Jones applied to a collection agency for a job, but he had no experience. He was so intense that the manager gave him a tough account with the promise that if he collected it, he'd get the job. Two hours later, Jones came back with the entire amount.

"Amazing!" the manager said: "How did you do it?"

"Easy," Jones replied: "I told him if he didn't pay up, I'd tell all his other creditors he paid us."

[Pikachu]

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant: "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant: "And it took us a while to find a new pilot."

[Pikachu]

Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

A: Marry it.

[Pikachu]

A teacher instructs her fifth-grade class to ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end.

The next day the kids come in and share their stories: "My daddy told me about my uncle Dave," says one boy. "He was a pilot in Vietnam and had to bail out over enemy territory with nothing but a flask of whisky, a pistol and a knife. He drank the whisky during the drop, then landed in the middle of 20 enemies. He shot 15, stabbed 3 and killed the last 2 with his bare hands."

"What is the moral of this horrible story?" yelps the mortified teacher.

"Stay away from Uncle Dave when he's drinking."

[Pikachu]

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station and tells the mechanic that the engine has died. The mechanic works on it and, after a few minutes, has the car idling smoothly.

“What's the story?” she asks.

“Just crap in the carburetor,” he replies.

“Really?” she asks: “How often do I have to do that?”

[Pikachu]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband: "You can have her shipped home for $5,000 or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked: "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied: "Long ago a man died here, was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead." Shaking his head, he continued: "I just can't take that chance."

[bigboab]

Paddy tells Mick he's thinking of buying a Labrador. "Sod off, " says Mick. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind!":lol:

[Pikachu]

When his eyes began to give him trouble, a Czech man went to a Prague ophthalmologist. The doctor showed the patient the eye chart, displaying the letters CVKPNWXSCZ.

"Can you read that?" the doctor asked.

"Can I read it?" the Czech replied: "Hell, I dated his sister."

[Pikachu]

Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch, the junior partner slaps his forehead.

"Damn," he says: "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left."

His partner replies: "What are you worried about? We're both here."

[Pikachu]

A man walks into a restaurant and orders a cheeseburger. When he takes a bite out of it, he notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress: "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back to the kitchen and to his horror, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his armpit.

"That's disgusting!" the man says.

"You think that's disgusting?” the waitress replies: “You should see him make doughnuts."

[Pikachu]

Sorry for the inactivity but now the thread is back :)

A businessman comes into town and finds that the hotels are booked solid. Finally, one clerk says: "I have one room with two beds. I'm sure the other guy wouldn't mind splitting the bill."

The businessman says: "I'll take it!"

"Wait a minute," the clerk says: "This guy snores really loud. In fact, the other guests have complained about it."

The businessman says: "It doesn't matter. I'll take it."

The next morning, the clerk asks him how he slept. The businessman says: "I slept fine, the whole night through."

The clerk asks: "Didn't the snoring bother you?"

The businessman says: "No, when I walked into the room, the other guy was snoring, so I bent over and kissed him on the cheek, and said 'goodnight, beautiful.' Then he stayed up all night just watching me."

[Shinzen]

An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk, totally stressed out.

He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic, and it really helped; you should try it too!".

Two weeks later, when the manager arrives at his department, he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up, and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice".

"I did", answers the employee. "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!".

[Shinzen]

A blonde is on holiday and she wallks into an internet cafe to send an e-mail to her mum in America.

She doesn't know how to work the computers so she goes up to the guy on the desk and says: "Excuse me could you help me send an e-mail to my mum?"

The guy says "Yeh, but it will cost ya"

And the blonde says "Sure i'll do anything for my mum"

The guy says: "In that case follow me"

So she follows him into the back room and he pushes her down onto her knees, he unzips his trousers and pulls down his boxers and says: "Well go on then you said you'd do anything!"

So she picks up his ~censored~, holds it to her mouth and says: "Hello.........mum are you there?"

[Shinzen]

A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one of her students
The teacher asked,"Boy. what is your problem?"

Boy. answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is inthe third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy. to the principal's office.
While Boy. waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.She agreed.

Boy. was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy.: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy.: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, "I think Boy. can go to the third-grade. "

Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him ?"



The principal and Boy. both agree.

Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy., after a moment "Legs."

Ms Nee lam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy.: "Pockets."

Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy.: Coconut

Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy. was taking charge.
Boy.: Bubblegum

Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy.: Shake hands

Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy.: Yep.

Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy.: Tent

Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

The Principal waslooking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.
Boy.: Wedding Ring

Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When youblow me, you feel good.
Boy.: Nose

Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy.: Arrow

Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lotof heat and excitement?
Boy.: Firetruck Razz

Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it u have to use ur hand.
Boy.: Fork Twisted Evil

Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some menthan on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wifeafter they're married?
Boy.: SURNAME Laughing

Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lotsof veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy.: HEART.Cool Embarassed



The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,

"Send this Boy. to Delhi University, I got the last ten questions
wrong myself!"

[Shinzen]

Eyesight

Arthur is 90 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good” sighs Arthur, “your brother’s a hundred and three. He can’t help.”

“He may be a hundred and three”, says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law and says, “Did you see the ball?”

“Of course I did!” replied the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight”.

“Where did it go?” says Arthur.

“I don’t remember.”

[Shinzen]

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, “I’ve kidnapped you.”

She then wrote a note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.”

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.

The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?”

[Shinzen]

They wanted you to say this?
"Did you see saw?"
"Yeah I saw Saw."
"Did you see Saw 2?"
"I saw Saw 2 too"
..."Did you see Saw 3?"
"No but I saw Saw 4"
"Why did you see Saw 4 before you saw Saw 3 for" ?

[GrandKat]

Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.

Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

His Sicilian wife Gina replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my first guess."


A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,
"OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"

[Shinzen]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now."

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? "What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?" "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them S*#t in my eye."

"You’re kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn’t lose an eye just from some bird S*%t."

"It was my first day with the hook."

[bigboab]

Senior Citizens Texting Code

ATD: At The Doctor's




· BFF: Best Friend Farted






· BTW: Bring The Wheelchair






· BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth






· CBM: Covered By Medicare






· CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center






· DWI: Driving While Incontinent






· FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers






· FWIW: Forgot Where I Was






· FYI: Found Your Insulin






· GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!






· GHA: Got Heartburn Again






· HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement






· IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?






· LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out






· LOL: Living On Lipitor






· LWO: Lawrence Welk's On






· OMMR: On My Massage Recliner






· OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.






· ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up






· SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop






· TTYL: Talk To You Louder






· WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?






· WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again






· WTP: Where's The Prunes?






· WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

[slide45]

What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic = using a feather
Kinky = using the whole chicken

[senegal]

http://i302.photobucket.com/albums/nn83/metro2525/cock-joke.jpg

[bigboab]

:lol::lol::lol:

[bijoy]

A woman and her lover are in the house while the husband is at work. Her nine year old son comes in, and after seeing them making love he hides in the wardrobe and watches them. All of a sudden the husband comes. Wife hides her lover in the wardrobe, without knowing that her son is in there. Boy:
- It's dark here.
- Yes it is.
- I've got a soccer ball.
- That's nice.
- Do you want to buy it?
- No, thanks.
- My dad is outside.
- Ok, how much?
- 250 dollars.
After a few weeks man and boy run into each other again in the wardrobe. Boy:
- It's dark here.
- Yes it is.
- I've got a soccer cleats.
Remembering what happened last time, man asks:
- How much?
- 750 dollars.
- Ok.
After few days, father says to his son:
- Lets go and play soccer.
- I can't, I sold the ball and the cleats.
- How much did you get?
- 1000 dollars.
- That is terrible, how could you ask so much money.... that's much more than they are worth. That's a sin, so you should go to the church and confess.
Father takes his son to the church confessional. Boy gets in, closes the door and says:
- It's dark here.
Priest:
- Don't start with that shit again!!!
long but good


http://i302.photobucket.com/albums/nn83/metro2525/cock-joke.jpg

:lol:

[User1]

:lol:

[spikednet]

What's a horse's favorite dressing?

Ranch....
lame!

[Ronhall]

An Angry Wife To
Her Husband 0n Phone:
"Where d Hell Are You ... ?"

Husband:
Darling You Remember That
Jewelery Shop Where You Saw
The Diamond Necklace n Totally
Fell In Love With It n I Didn't
Have Money That Time n I said
"Baby It'll Be Yours 1 Day ... " O:)

Wife, With A Smile & Blushing:
Yeah I Remember That My Love !

Husband:
I m In The Pub Just Next To That Shop

[bigboab]

On a flying visit to New York this week, I sat next to a stunning woman who revealed to me she was giving a lecture to the annual nymphomaniac convention in America.
She told me she was debunking sexual myths:

French men aren’t the best lovers, Greeks are.


Native American Indians are the most well-endowed, not African Americans.


Irishmen, not the English upper class, are the most likely to charm a woman into bed.
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and said: ‘I really shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don’t even know your name!’
‘Tonto,’ I said. ‘Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.’http://filesharingtalk.com/images/icons/icon6.gif

[Ronhall]

George W. Bush and his driver were going to Air Force One and were passing a farm. A pig jumped out in the road suddenly. The driver tried to get out of the way, but he hit him. He went in the farm to explain what had happened. He came out with a beer, a cigar, and a tons of money. Bush saw this and said, "My God, what did you tell them?" The driver replied, "I told them that I'm George W. Bush's driver and I just killed the pig."

[AlexJ1]

A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him.

She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled,

"My husband's home! My husband's home!"

[Human_Being]

John Terry won't be facing trial for racial abuse until after Euro 2012. So he's free to lead his country into Poland. Just like his hero did.



Due to Harry Redknapp's dyslexia, Tottenham have put a bid in for Lady Gaga. He ended up with louis saha!!!

[cathymartin]

Two guys were fishing down by the Ohio River on different sides of the riverbank at night. Guy number one was catching a whole bunch of fish for his family, but guy number two hadn't caught any and was frustrated and called out to guy number one "How come you've been catching all them there fish and I ain't caught a single one?"
Guy number one replied, " I don’t know.... why don’t ya come on over here?"
"I don’t know.... I don’t see a bridge, and their aint no boat, and I don’t swim to well"
Guy number one picks up his flashlight, turns it on, and replies, " Why don’t you walk across this here beam off light?"
Guy number two was outraged and replied "do you think am stupid? When I get half way you'll turn it off!!!"

[katherine]

101742
Cool!

[musicool]

wow the last one was great

[katherine]

wow the last one was great

Thanks!
If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren’t two houses hice?
:whistling

[iStatiK]

A neutron walks into a bar, the bartender hands him a beer. The neutron asks "how much?" The bartender says "for you, no charge."

[hjsq]

A woman says to her doctor "Kiss me doctor!"
"Certainly not" replies the doctor.
"Oh please, just one kiss" said the lady.
"It's just not possibly, i cant" the physician states.
"Oh c'mon, i'm begging you" she implores.
"Look i have taken oaths, i just cant, it's unprofessional..." Explains the doc "..as a matter of fact, i shouldnt even be fucking you!"

[Murlok]

Girl 1- My Boyfriend is buying
flowers again, Now I have to
spend the whole afternoon on
my back with legs in the air. Girl
2- You dont have a vase ??

[cliffwill88]

hahahah!! that was hilarious!

[Brotherhood]

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at the Traffic Warden's funeral, a voice from inside screams,
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead, let me out."
to which the smiling Vicar says "too late pal, the paperwork's already been done"

[bigboab]

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodaiki a bright foreign
exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he
said.

'Very good!'

Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall
not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Hodaiki: 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

'Excellent!' said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more
difficult...'

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for
your country?'

Once again, Hodaiki's was the only hand in the air and he said:

'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of
yourselves, Little Hodaiki isn't from this country and he knows more about
our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'Fcuk the Japs,'

'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.

Little Hodaiki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'

Again, Little Hodaiki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991.'

Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Hodaiki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the
teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh
shit, We're screwed!'

Little Hodaiki said quietly, ‘Ally McCoist, 2012.'

[mjmacky]

I was with you until the final punchline.

[NationalLampoo]

Thanks. This topic made my day :-)

[Sakina]

hi ,Im new here,here is my joke
Man walks into a Doctor's surgery with a strawberry on his head.
The Doctor says "I will give you some cream for that".

[harry4200]

Two old men were sitting in the yard outside the care home one day when Tim turned to the other and said "John I'm really feeling my age today I just hurt all over, how are you feeling?
John replied "I feel just like a new born babe"
Tim looked at him startled "A New Born babe really?"
"Yep, I have no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

[megabyteme]

A woman & her son were riding in a taxi. A bunch of prostitutes were standing at a bus stop.
Boy: Mom, what are these women doing here?
Mom: They are waiting for their husbands.
Taxi driver: Why don’t you tell him the truth, that they are hookers & have sex with men for money.
Boy: Is that true Mom?
Mom: (Glaring hard at the driver) YES.
Kid asks: Mom, what happens to the babies these women have?
Mom: They become taxi drivers!!!

[kursum]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”
The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store and says, “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his ice cream cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!”

[garycousin]

Q. What did the police officer say to the midget complaining that someone picked his pocket?.

six packs abs blog (http://example.com/)

[mjmacky]

Q. What did the police officer say to the midget complaining that someone picked his pocket?

You managed to make a terrible thread worse. I can't believe you'd stoop so low as to exclude the punchline to a terrible joke.

[anon]

Oh look, it took some time but he did add the answer.

[ziggyjuarez]

That joke wasnt that bad to deserve a b&.

[dion09529]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[megabyteme]

Q. What did the police officer say to the midget complaining that someone picked his pocket?

You managed to make a terrible thread worse. I can't believe you'd stoop so low as to exclude the punchline to a terrible joke.

It's gotta be something like, "How could anyone stoop so low?" :drummer:

[mjmacky]

You managed to make a terrible thread worse. I can't believe you'd stoop so low as to exclude the punchline to a terrible joke.

It's gotta be something like, "How could anyone stoop so low?" :drummer:

Are you not yet acquainted with me?

[megabyteme]

It's gotta be something like, "How could anyone stoop so low?" :drummer:

Are you not yet acquainted with me?

You, I imagine figured it out. Others, I'd hate to leave them hangin'...

[Stehle]

Two campers are hiking in the woods up in Colorado when one is bitten on his penis by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other hiker says. He runs ten miles back to a small town exhausted and out of breath and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can't leave," the doctor says, "But here's what you need to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground, he'll be fine then" The hiker guy's friend runs back another 10 miles back to his buddy, who now is in real agony, barely clinging to life. "What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. Out of breath from the last leg of his journey of mercy, he seriously whispers hoarsely. "The doctor said says you're gonna die man."




(Variations abound on this, but told to me 30 years ago by my brother-in law in a tent camping in the woods late at night... well I liked this one.) :alien:

[jiaufoo]

Cinderella was sitting in her rocking chair, patting her cat, Puss-in-Boots in her lap, when her Fairy GodMother appeared. "Hi Cindy", said her FGM, "This is a follow up visit. Are you happy with your life? And Prince Charming?". "Oh,", said Cinderella, "The years with Prince Charming were so good. He was so kind and generous, but he didn't know how to invest and ended up selling our palace. He died working in our plantation many years ago, and that's why I'm old and shrivelled, poor and all alone in this cottage, except for my pet cat, Puss-in-Boots.".

Seeing a potential lawsuit for Undelivered Promises looming in the horizon, Fairy GodMother promptly granted Cinderella three more wishes.

For her first wish, Cinderella wished that she was rich again. With a swish of her wand, the FGM transformed the cottage into a beautiful, luxurious palace, loaded with urns overflowing with gold coins and jewels.

For her second wish, Cinderella wished for her youth back. And swoosh, with a second wave of the magic wand, Cinderella's ash-grey hair turned luxurious and golden blonde, her back straightened, her boobs swelled and regained her former perkiness, and Cinderella was restored to the lush blossom of her youth.

Restored to her former glory, Cinderella was feeling a certain moist heat in her formerly dessicated nether regions. For her third wish, Cindy asked for her Prince Charming back, but the FGM could not bring back the dead. So, Cinderella considered, and said, "Well, my faithful cat, Puss-in-Boots has been keeping me company for these many years since Prince Charming died. So, I would like him to be transformed into a man to keep me company for the rest of my years." And with a final swish of her wand, Puss-in-Boots's fur fell away. He stood up, and sprouted long, golden locks on his head, and rapidly grew into a handsome, muscular young man. Her duties fulfilled, the FGM vanished again.

"Oh Boots," moaned Cinderella, as she hugged and peppered kissed on his lips, pressing her heaving bossom to his manly chest, "How I have longed for this day..."

To which Puss-in-Boots replied, "I bet you regret having me fixed NOW, huh?".

[jiaufoo]

A blonde was low on cash and decided to hire herself out to do some handiwork. She knocked on the door of posh manor, and asked if there were any jobs that she could do for money. The owner of the house said, "I'll give you fifty bucks to paint the porch. Everything you need is in the garage." The blonde happily agreed, and hustles off to the garage.

Half an hour later, the blonde knock on the door again. "Ok, I'm done! I wanted to do a good job, so I give you three coats of paint!". The man is surprised (since the porch goes AROUND the whole house, but pays the blonde anyway.

As the blonde leaves, she says, "By the way, it's a Ferrari, not a Porsch."

[mixenzb]

funny stuff thanks guys

[jiaufoo]

Towards his twilight years, Solomon had developed a penchant for rare and exotic fruits. He decreed that anyone bringing him a new kind of fruit would be given a gold coin for their troubles. Naturally, he soon had all the rare and exotic fruits that he could handle. But after a few months, no one could offer Solomon anything new. He promptly doubled his offer of gold, but there were STILL no new fruits. Several months later, a merchant approached him with a small satchel. Solomon promptly, snatched the satchel, and samples the goods inside. "These are delicious," he declared. "What do you call them?". "Raisins, your majesty", replied the merchant. Solomon orders the merchant to bring him a new satchel of raisins every week, and the merchant complies. A few years later, the merchant returns empty handed. "Where are my raisins?!!!", thunders Solomon. "Apologies, your majesty", replies the merchant, "but my rabbit died."

[metalmohican]

Two monkeys in a bath,

first one goes "oooooh ooooooh ah ah ooooooh"

Second one says "Put some cold water in then!"

[anthonytsantia]

There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy.
"Can I touch it?"
"No way -- you already broke yours off!"

[bigboab]

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," saysJimmy. "Ar've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even mastag night".
...
Archie nods approvingly.

"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that.

What's the tartan?...."

"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white.

[anon]

A primary school teacher asks her pupils about what their parents do for a living:

- Let's see, Peter: what does your mother do?
- She's a doctor, miss!
- Bravo! See, a professional! That means women have earned a place in society. What about your dad, Elena?
- He's a mailman!
- Mailman! That's a very heavy job... really admirable. Mailmen are very necessary! What about your dad, Johnny?
- My old man plays the piano in a whorehouse, miss!

"Ooooh, I see," says the teacher, in shame. "Okay, let's see how much geography you have studied, take a sheet out."

All that in order to change the subject and prevent the rest from paying attention to this ordeal. Later on, once the class is over, the teacher calls Johnny's father to ask for an explanation:

- Look, I don't mean to intrude into your private life, but Johnny is saying you play the piano in a brothel and I'd like to clarify that.
- Of course, how the fuck do you want me to tell my seven-year-old son I'm a lawyer!?

[cvasseur]

evey met a guy called Cedric Vasseur, funny looking bloke!

[bmac007]

good stuff.... keep them coming