Stuttering Freak Brother Update No.72

[chalice]

Previously on stuttering freak brother update we learned how, despite my best efforts, the enfant terrible went about his dastardly and profoundly stupid deeds. Violence, institutional impotence, speech impediments and brainlessness figured largely in our expanding chronicle. Last we saw him, the miscreant had imposed criminal damage unto his ankle tag and had jollied off into the night; stammering something about liberty.

This liberty was short-lived. He was summarily apprehended in possession of a screwdriver with intent, and was invited to complete the remainder of his commission, tax free, with visits once a week. Things were mercifully quiet until he extracted the eyeball of another inmate with a pool cue. The case is pending. As is the armed robbery charge I mentioned a while hence.

He has since been released into the custody of my mother, and has since snipped off the ankle tag once more and presented himself for psychological analysis, telling them that he wants to kill a priest. (Kill a priest, that's my favourite thing he's ever come off with). This lasted two fucking days. One of the nurses caught him with ganja. Violence and stuttering ensued, and he vanished into a convenient hedge.

Last I heard he threatening to kill himself if my mother didn't give him money for cigarettes.

[mjmacky]

Just goes to show the kind of psychological damage that comes from having a midget brother.

Edit: Is this s'posed to be for real? This is technically "news" and not an update for me

[IdolEyes787]

Last I heard he threatening to kill himself if my mother didn't give him money for cigarettes.

Does he also threaten getting fat when your mother doesn't allow him to have a second piece of pie?

[chalice]

He's not a midget. He's a stuttering freak psychopath.

[chalice]

Last I heard he threatening to kill himself if my mother didn't give him money for cigarettes.

Does he also threaten getting fat when your mother doesn't allow him to have a second piece of pie?

It's my mother we're talking about here. The first time she saw pie was when I showed her a picture of it.

[chalice]

Edit: Is this s'posed to be for real? This is technically "news" and not an update for me

All too real, I'm afraid.

[Proper Bo]

this just makes me wonder all the more about how you turned out normal.

[NotLettingItGo]

Normal! chavis! Really?

[chalice]

this just makes me wonder all the more about how you turned out normal.

Normal is relative.

[Proper Bo]

Your relative isn't.

[chalice]

Your relative isn't.

Yeah, that's wot I meant, you dopey fucker.

[Proper Bo]

No wai!1:o

[megabyteme]

Possession of a screwdriver with "intent. His intent to continually screw himself seems evident. While you have to endure the real life of it, I do rather enjoy these updates. Quite surprised he was not fully jailed up while waiting for his big trial. Your Justice system must be as tattered, and askew as ours. Are your jails filled with casualties of a "War on Drugs" similar to ours, or do you tend to use them for actual criminals (obviously ones "more criminal" than your brother)?

[Proper Bo]

if by "casualties of a war on drugs" you mean junkies that have been on the rob etc, then yes. There are "real" criminals too.

[megabyteme]

if by "casualties of a war on drugs" you mean junkies that have been on the rob etc, then yes. There are "real" criminals too.

Sorry, I assumed our failed "War on Drugs" was known to be a failure outside of our borders. We have certainly pressured enough foreign countries into joining in.

Actually, what I was referring to was more of a War on the Casual Marijuana User. People have spent years in jail for non-violent offenses involving smallish amounts of pot/plants, lost their houses/cars/boats/etc. At the same time, our prison system has grown drastically, and other criminals have gotten out.

The US's "War on Drugs" has been a disaster in terms of cost, justice, and personal liberties. I am somewhat happy it is not one of the "imports" that has arrived along with McDonalds...

[Artemis]

if by "casualties of a war on drugs" you mean junkies that have been on the rob etc, then yes. There are "real" criminals too.

Sorry, I assumed our failed "War on Drugs" was known to be a failure outside of our borders. We have certainly pressured enough foreign countries into joining in.

Actually, what I was referring to was more of a War on the Casual Marijuana User. People have spent years in jail for non-violent offenses involving smallish amounts of pot/plants, lost their houses/cars/boats/etc. At the same time, our prison system has grown drastically, and other criminals have gotten out.

The US's "War on Drugs" has been a disaster in terms of cost, justice, and personal liberties. I am somewhat happy it is not one of the "imports" that has arrived along with McDonalds...

The U.S. a country of 311 million people currently houses 2 million of them in prison, this is actually one quarter of the world's prison population. From this sum you can extrapolate that either A. the inhabitants of the U.S. are inherently a great deal more criminal than the rest of us, or B. the legal system is a tad overzealous.

Also the fact that under federal law marijuana is treated as a Class A drug and carries the same penalties as possession or distribution of Heroin, while the rest of the world treats possession at least as a minor offence and in many cases not even a prisonable one.

[megabyteme]

The U.S. a country of 311 million people currently houses 2 million of them in prison, this is actually one quarter of the world's prison population. From this sum you can extrapolate that either A. the inhabitants of the U.S. are inherently a great deal more criminal than the rest of us, or B. the legal system is a tad overzealous.

Also the fact that under federal law marijuana is treated as a Class A drug and carries the same penalties as possession or distribution of Heroin, while the rest of the world treats possession at least as a minor offence and in many cases not even a prisonable one.

Some might look at our International policies, and make a decent argument for "A".

However, all points you make are facts. Some areas have even privatized prisons in hopes of being able to sustain "demand" for cells. This has also helped continue the cycle of putting more in prisons (you've gotta be able to pay for those new prisons :ermm: ).

Along the same lines, it took roughly 2 years of excruciating back pain before my doctor prescribed narcotic pain meds for me. After being on morphine and oxy-codone for a year, I was getting a STRONG feeling she was getting antsy about prescribing them. I recently kicked the morphine- 3 weeks come Tuesday :01: . It was pretty awful stuff anyway, but my point is that our government has dug themselves in deep by ruining the lives of so many marijuana users that they have to be VERY MUCH anti-narcotics (since these drugs are often harder than the villainized pot) even at the expense of pain sufferers.

TBH, if the "Legalized Marijuana" sellers here weren't such a joke, I would have preferred to use that for my pain than the expensive, high-side effect producing, narcotics. I asked my doctor about getting a prescription once, and she pointed out that real, licensed, employable doctors do not write those prescriptions. She did say that she thought I would be one of very few she had seen who would benefit. That made me respect her quite a bit- at least she is willing to admit that marijuana is less harmful than morphine/oxy-codone. There aren't enough professionals/government officials around who will take that stand under our national political climate.

[mjmacky]

We feature an Incarceration-Industrial Complex in the U.S., and due to lobbying and populist rhetoric, we've grown it into a huge industry. All of those with a vested interest prevent any real reform from taking place (since support for it isn't quite overwhelming enough).

An interesting note, for anyone that remembers the Freakonomics movingpicture, the Supreme Court decision to uphold a woman's right to have an abortion correlates strongly with reduced crime rates. However, it was the private prison system that rode those figures of success...

[Artemis]

In an update, our country has been debating decriminalising marijuana for quite awhile. We are having a general election this year and one of the right wing parties is promising if they get into parliament they will decriminalise marijuana, personally I think it is a vote grab by a minor party (ACT only has 2% of the vote) but it has set the debate up to be an election issue.

[Something Else]

if by "casualties of a war on drugs" you mean junkies that have been on the rob etc, then yes. There are "real" criminals too.

Sorry, I assumed our failed "War on Drugs" was known to be a failure outside of our borders. We have certainly pressured enough foreign countries into joining in.

Actually, what I was referring to was more of a War on the Casual Marijuana User. People have spent years in jail for non-violent offenses involving smallish amounts of pot/plants, lost their houses/cars/boats/etc. At the same time, our prison system has grown drastically, and other criminals have gotten out.

The US's "War on Drugs" has been a disaster in terms of cost, justice, and personal liberties. I am somewhat happy it is not one of the "imports" that has arrived along with McDonalds...

We don't have those stupid, cawking laws. Where you're from sounds like a modern take on Nazis, or something else. You can pretty much smoke a joint wherever you like here. (be sensible, obviousment) If a policeman caught you with one, he most likely would tell you to be a bit more discreet, or something along those lines. Unless he's a cunt, in which case he'd probably hit you with his stick.

[Something Else]

Previously on stuttering freak brother update we learned how, despite my best efforts, the enfant terrible went about his dastardly and profoundly stupid deeds. Violence, institutional impotence, speech impediments and brainlessness figured largely in our expanding chronicle. Last we saw him, the miscreant had imposed criminal damage unto his ankle tag and had jollied off into the night; stammering something about liberty.

This liberty was short-lived. He was summarily apprehended in possession of a screwdriver with intent, and was invited to complete the remainder of his commission, tax free, with visits once a week. Things were mercifully quiet until he extracted the eyeball of another inmate with a pool cue. The case is pending. As is the armed robbery charge I mentioned a while hence.

He has since been released into the custody of my mother, and has since snipped off the ankle tag once more and presented himself for psychological analysis, telling them that he wants to kill a priest. (Kill a priest, that's my favourite thing he's ever come off with). This lasted two fucking days. One of the nurses caught him with ganja. Violence and stuttering ensued, and he vanished into a convenient hedge.

Last I heard he threatening to kill himself if my mother didn't give him money for cigarettes.

Were they Menthols?

[chalice]

This is Hermit The Frog reporting for Sesame Street News with another fast-breaking news story.

On the lam and out in the cold, our antagonist shunted and hesitated from dive to dive, the Man ever-pursuant in bumming out the kids. He popped his incompetent head up from caper to caper; shop-lifting and the like. True to form, nothing resembling intelligence.

His driving ban having been recently lifted, he reapplied for his license. The world was to be his racetrack. In a couple of weeks time. In celebration of his forthcoming freedom of mobility, he promptly stole an automobile belonging to my uncle. Once again the omniscient, killjoy motherfucking Man was on his shit like a skin-grafted stop sign. He was arrested.

Charged with vehicle theft, reckless endangerment and an assortment of misdemeanors generally pertaining to being a stupid cunt, he has again taken up residence in the House Of Many Windows wherein he awaits trail for the armed robbery we've discussed at length hitherto.

In the cells, he launched into one of his violent, epileptic skits. Whereupon, he was cable tied by the arms and ankles and allowed to piss himself. Crime pays, kids.

[megabyteme]

Enough about the good son, let's hear about the trouble-maker...

[chalice]

Enough about the good son, let's hear about the trouble-maker...

I'm doing sweet.

Everything was shite up until an hour ago. Now someone has paid for my flight to San Fransisco.

I didn't have to threaten anybody.

I know you all will find this pretty hard to believe, but being a helluva fucking nice guy has its benefits, innit.

[megabyteme]

I remember you mentioning your interest in coming to the States a few months back. If you have commented on your plans further, I must have missed the post(s). Are you going to spend the entire time in SF? Unless I'm mistaken, your earlier thoughts involved a road trip. Any chance you'll be headed towards Eastern Washington? If so, we've got a spare room, and I can promise some satisfying meals. Would be quite interested in meeting such a nice fucking guy. :)

[chalice]

I remember you mentioning your interest in coming to the States a few months back. If you have commented on your plans further, I must have missed the post(s). Are you going to spend the entire time in SF? Unless I'm mistaken, your earlier thoughts involved a road trip. Any chance you'll be headed towards Eastern Washington? If so, we've got a spare room, and I can promise some satisfying meals. Would be quite interested in meeting such a nice fucking guy. :)

That's a terribly nice thing to say.

If you hadn't acted all girley in the other place, you'd know that the missus and the kids are fucking off to New York and Florida without me. I don't do family holidays. Anymore.

An estranged cousin (recently embraced, his dad died) has decided that I rawk the fucking sawks and wants me to accompany him to meet the extended siblings his dad created in San Fran.

I highly doubt that I'll be heading towards Washington, but I take the offer expressly to my heart, man.

Your loss.

[mjmacky]

I saw road trip and San Fran... I just did that trip this summer, now you're off mimicking me chavis. Will your wife and kids be joining me on Christmas, I think you instructed me to punch someone in the face, right? I might as well admit at this point that I currently suffer Florida, sunny humid ignorant fucking Florida.

[megabyteme]

That's a terribly nice thing to say.

If you hadn't acted all girley in the other place, you'd know that the missus and the kids are fucking off to New York and Florida without me. I don't do family holidays. Anymore.

An estranged cousin (recently embraced, his dad died) has decided that I rawk the fucking sawks and wants me to accompany him to meet the extended siblings his dad created in San Fran.

I highly doubt that I'll be heading towards Washington, but I take the offer expressly to my heart, man.

Your loss.

My offer stands, and you are among a handful of individuals I would make such an offer to.

As for the "girly-ness", I won't disagree. My best defense is that I was in the middle of 4 days of cold-turkey morphine withdrawal (I had been on it for over a year). I beat it, but it was hell. Thing is, I've had more fun sticking to the general sections. That section pulled me into too much political bullshit, and it wasn't fun anymore- not for me; not for the section. Even after the withdrawal ended, I still don't want to go back. Anyplace that won't have Macky isn't good enough for me either. :snooty: :P

I've been happy to come across almost all of the members in various threads, and am relieved no one has spat upon me (yet). :D If they had, I would understand why. Regardless, FST remains my online stomping ground... :happy:

[Quarterquack]

You ladies save your private section talk for private girl scout meetings.

I think the more pertinent issue here is: If the chavis brothers were given a task to kill each other (let's say by god in a dream), who would come out on top?

[megabyteme]

If the chavis brothers were given a task to kill each other (let's say by god in a dream), who would come out on top?

I'll take the one who isn't constantly pursuing a Darwin Award.

Now if it were a question of you vs chal-lite, I'll take the one who takes on bigger, stronger opponents than innocent kittens. :yup:

[Quarterquack]

I'll take the one who isn't constantly pursuing a Darwin Award.

You know, that's really a difficult one. Chavis's brother sounds like an absolute badass. Stealing cars, and playing pool are top 2 on a lot of women's lists for ideal man qualities. I'd be surprised if he doesn't have a few rape spawn, or has only had deer vagina his entire life.


Now if it were a question of you vs chal-lite, I'll take the one who takes on bigger, stronger opponents than innocent kittens. :yup:

I have to warn you. I've been training in aikido. There's a catocalypse coming soon, so I've been getting ready for it. Although going out on a limb here, and assuming the breadth of your knowledge when it comes to martial arts, I'll assume you're missing the joke.

[mjmacky]

Anyplace that won't have Macky isn't good enough for me either. :snooty: :P

You're going to have to renege on that once I get banned here.

On a topic related note, I have postponed writing my brother all day. I haven't talked to him in 2 years but it would only be prudent to bury one of the hatchets before he shows up at my place next weekend. Family is flying in from Colorado (on account of a 40-year HS reunion) and it prompted my sister to come down from NY. Now there's a family gathering of sorts that I'll be hosting. I've put off communicating with said estranged brother because I don't really want to be forced to exclaim it's his vast ignorance that's the root of me not wanting anything to do with him (even if he's the only family I have in the vicinity). One way or the other, I can't seem to find a method to spirit away my discomfort of the situation.

[megabyteme]

I have to warn you. I've been training in aikido. There's a catocalypse coming soon, so I've been getting ready for it. Although going out on a limb here, and assuming the breadth of your knowledge when it comes to martial arts, I'll assume you're missing the joke.

I always pictured you as more the Akita style- treeing cats, chasing cars, howling at sirens.

[Quarterquack]

I always pictured you as more the Akita style- treeing cats, chasing cars, howling at sirens.

There's more to it than that. I also sneak into bed with your wife when you're not around, pissed all over your car, and dragged my naked ass all over your carpet.

And To think you've been doing doggy-style all these years. :no:

[megabyteme]

There's more to it than that. I also sneak into bed with your wife when you're not around, pissed all over your car, and dragged my naked ass all over your carpet.

And To think you've been doing doggy-style all these years. :no:

Hope you get mange. :fist:

[megabyteme]

I've had terrible luck trying to reconcile with estranged family members. I end up regretting it every time I try. I'm sure there is something hard-wired into us genetically that makes us feel some connection (maybe it's simply history, or need to know we belong to a group)- it sure as hell isn't logic. :frusty:

I wish you luck. I assume you must have some good relatives in the bunch who make hosting the gathering worthwhile. Focus on them, not "the problem"...

As for the discussion with the brother...must the discussion be head-on? Perhaps instead of "vast ignorance", it could be softened to "different paths, interests, and views"- these things keep a lot of people apart. :sly: You don't have to be best buds, you just want to get past the few days without an explosion/confrontation. His failings don't really have any bearing on your life, so there is no need to take offense of them. Do your best to keep the interactions light in nature- maybe try to think of him as a co-worker you don't particularly enjoy working with, but find confrontation with him to be harmful and without benefit. Just don't commit to any future plans with him that you'll regret- nothing concrete; nothing one-on-one personal (that type of get together is more difficult to cancel out on later). If he wants to make plans, try to turn it into a group gathering that you can get out of if need be. By then, the reunion will be over, and he can get butthurt about it without you, or your guests, having to deal with him.

[mjmacky]

I think I'm having a difficult time sorting it out because I don't know how to deal with dumb people. You recall the kind of blatant unawareness and just straight up ignorance that you find in the invite section? That's about the level my brother is at. When you normally have rationale, logic and deductive reasoning as effective tools in conversation and relating from one person to another, then having those rendered useless, it's a bit frustrating to say the least. It's like asking me to use a screwdriver, plyers, and an allen wrench to use as ingredients in chocolate pudding.

The views apart (he lacks any) and even his ignorance were things that I tolerated for a little while once we started talking again the first time (he had a bit of a troubled past, not much unlike chavis's brother with the drugs, jail, suicide threats, and other shit). He started getting his shit in order, found a wife, maintained a job, spends $2000/year on costumes for their chihuahua, you know the typical American life. He started asking for my help and would get agitated when I explained some of the things I recommended (he just wanted answers without all the words). It's when he started merging his ignorance with insecurity and began a tirade accusing me of trying to dictate his life and drive a wedge between him and his wife (over something so ridiculously inane, I can't even stomach the elaboration).

So I'm thinking ignoring the whole thing and remaining casually objective. I've gotten pretty good at that lately.

[megabyteme]

It's when he started merging his ignorance with insecurity

Ouch! That is a BAD pairing. I've got different reasons for separating from my family, but the answer is the same- nothing good will come from fixing that relationship. He's toxic. Just do what you have to do to get through the reunion. I'd almost be tempted to ask him to not come. However, doing so would play into his hands of making you into the bad guy- similarly to the example you gave regarding the "wedge". I know the type, and just thinking about the situation has elevated my blood pressure.

[Squeamous]

I appreciate that this may sound harsh, but you've just got to let people go if they don't bring anything to your life. I don't believe in nepotism. If people want to spend time with me they don't automatically get to jump the queue because we're related; that would be unfair and against my meritocratic principles. In short, don't let emotions get between you and a sound logical decision.
Chavis, Macky, your relatives sound like they come from the same spawn-pool as my sister. If I can let her die of cancer without breaking and avoid even sending birthday and Xmas cards to her sociopathic retarded son, and look each one of my extended family in the eye while I do it, you can wipe the family shits right out of your butt cracks with no problems. I have faith in you both :hug:

[chalice]

News just in from the front...

On remand and in demand, our kid has been pulled up on fresh internal charges for having redistributed his antipsychotic medication to his wing-mates. Knowing what I know of him, he wouldn't give away free drugs (unless under duress), so I imagine some manner of jail-bartering has taken place and the Man got wind of it. The immediate upshot is that he'll have his medication removed or he'll have to ingest it under scrutiny. I'm guessing the latter cos they really don't need to be managing our kid when he's not completely monged out on psyche meds.

The little cunt had the cheek to complain to my long-suffering mother that I don't come to visit him in prison. I got the guilt treatment over to phone from her, and I listened for about 5 minutes, before saying to myself 'fuck this', and spent the next half hour pinpointing exactly why I don't visit him; his treatment and flagrant disregard for her being the foremost motivation, or lack thereof. I made the error of telling her that he's 'no brother of mine', and I've been paying for it ever since.

Anyway, happy fucking christmas, our kid. This'll be another year where you fail to acknowledge your nieces and nephews, you selfish little toerag.

[manker]

Ahh, he didn't escape from anywhere in that update. I like the ones where he escapes and then re-dedicates himself to appearing on Ulster's Dumbest Criminals.
Well bugger me. I just discovered that Ulster =! Northern Ireland.

I'm sorry to hear about the crap your mam is going through - and you by the sounds of it. Chin up, with a bit of luck he'll get a decent stretch this time and give you good folk a break from wondering if you're going to read about his demise in the papers.

I'm not normally so pessimistic but having just read the $10 thread and now this, I don't see anything other than recidivism for him on the outside.

On a more positive note, when you write about this, you bring out the big guns with both vocabulary and style.
-like

[mjmacky]

Well bugger me. I just discovered that Ulster =! Northern Ireland.

While '!=' and '/=' could be semanticized to "not equal to", I think '=!' would be "really really equal to for realz yo".

[chalice]

Well bugger me. I just discovered that Ulster =! Northern Ireland.

While '!=' and '/=' could be semanticized to "not equal to", I think '=!' would be "really really equal to for realz yo".

You fucking mental, you.

Anyways, MJ, regale us of how that reunion you weren't looking forward to turned out, you mental.

[chalice]

On a more positive note, when you write about this, you bring out the big guns with both vocabulary and style.
-like

Thanks for spotting it. I do try to ramp it up when I'm on about him. I started that way with the histrionic style, so it'd be a shame not to continue it.

[mjmacky]

You fucking mental, you.

Anyways, MJ, regale us of how that reunion you weren't looking forward to turned out, you mental.

I did forget to follow up. Day 1, we barely spoke, then parted ways for the evening. Day 2, we went to a bar, I told him that I'm going to take liberties to call him a complete idiot when I felt so inclined, we got drunk, sung a karaoke duet of Under the Bridge. Day 3, didn't talk to each other much, he complimented my urnebes and then we went bowling. ~Day 10, stopped by his apartment having been invited to a Halloween party, I was the only one not dressed up, left early. ~Day 60, haven't seen or spoken to him since the Halloween party.

[chalice]

You fucking mental, you.

Anyways, MJ, regale us of how that reunion you weren't looking forward to turned out, you mental.

Day 3, didn't talk to each other much, he complimented my urnebes and then we went bowling.

:lol:

Spastic genius.

[manker]

Family.


Despite me looking in from the outside and saying objectively what I think is probably for the best, chavis will be offering his errant bro emotional support the very next time he's out. That's the way it is so I can't help but think that more than two but less than four people in this thread are doing it wrong.


Belonging to a group of people is something we all strive for, whether it's trying to get a girlfriend or making an ID on a message board. It's all an extension of something which we have hardwired into us as people. Despite most of us having no materialistic need to have others around us, we desire it. No matter how comfortable we are with our own company, not much time will elapse before we want to talk to someone, to physically touch or be touched by someone or to feel an emotional connection.

With blood relatives, especially siblings and parents and later on in life children, we have the best opportunity to share a bond which will last a lifetime. People who will absolutely drop what they're doing and help you in any situation without a moment's hesitation. Your back is well and truly got.

In a nuclear family, you're the most important people in each other's lives, this can't be duplicated with a best friend and often not with a partner, certainly not for a good many years, because they have their own siblings and parents. So why cast it aside when it's definitely the best chance you'll ever have of being a part of a solidly defined and almost unbreakable group. Nurture it instead. You'll only spend the rest of your life trying to fill the void with an inferior substitute.


Read some Vonnegut, especially early Vonnegut but any Vonnegut really. This theme runs through his books.
And he's dead right.

[manker]

Well bugger me. I just discovered that Ulster =! Northern Ireland.

While '!=' and '/=' could be semanticized to "not equal to", I think '=!' would be "really really equal to for realz yo".:lol: yes indeedy.


Your eccentric pedantry is well received in Wales.

[chalice]

Family.


Despite me looking in from the outside and saying objectively what I think is probably for the best, chavis will be offering his errant bro emotional support the very next time he's out. That's the way it is so I can't help but think that more than two but less than four people in this thread are doing it wrong.


Belonging to a group of people is something we all strive for, whether it's trying to get a girlfriend or making an ID on a message board. It's all an extension of something which we have hardwired into us as people. Despite most of us having no materialistic need to have others around us, we desire it. No matter how comfortable we are with our own company, not much time will elapse before we want to talk to someone, to physically touch or be touched by someone or to feel an emotional connection.

With blood relatives, especially siblings and parents and later on in life children, we have the best opportunity to share a bond which will last a lifetime. People who will absolutely drop what they're doing and help you in any situation without a moment's hesitation. Your back is well and truly got.

In a nuclear family, you're the most important people in each other's lives, this can't be duplicated with a best friend and often not with a partner, certainly not for a good many years, because they have their own siblings and parents. So why cast it aside when it's definitely the best chance you'll ever have of being a part of a solidly defined and almost unbreakable group. Nurture it instead. You'll only spend the rest of your life trying to fill the void with an inferior substitute.


Read some Vonnegut, especially early Vonnegut but any Vonnegut really. This theme runs through his books.
And he's dead right.

That's like beautiful or something.

You should write poetry. :naughty:

[manker]

Can a mod please lock this thread.
It's been tainted :snooty:

[mjmacky]

For some disambiguation, urnebes salata is a Serbian dish, translated as chaos salad. It's more of a dip then a salad, but goes excellently with burgers, sausage, or anything that comes off the grill. I have a special methodology of preparing it that literally astounds people with its glottal lavishing of pure bliss. If I ever revealed it, you'd all subscribe to wet my taint for decades to come.

[chalice]

For some disambiguation, urnebes salata is a Serbian dish, translated as chaos salad. It's more of a dip then a salad, but goes excellently with burgers, sausage, or anything that comes off the grill. I have a special methodology of preparing it that literally astounds people with its glottal lavishing of pure bliss. If I ever revealed it, you'd all subscribe to wet my taint for decades to come.

It was hella way more funny when I didn't have clue fucking one what it was. True story.

[mjmacky]

It was hella way more funny when I didn't have clue fucking one what it was. True story.

I figured, and that's why I had to revoke your license.

[chalice]

Sounds tasty, though. :smilie4:

[manker]

Family is flying in from Colorado (on account of a 40-year HS reunion) Does that mean that you're approaching 60?

True question.

[manker]

Sounds tasty, though. :smilie4:It does indeed. especially with appropriate formatting and emoticon.

obaby, tonight I'm gonna revoke your licence :naughty:

[mjmacky]

Family is flying in from Colorado (on account of a 40-year HS reunion) Does that mean that you're approaching 60?

True question.

No, I'm the next generation. Picard and all that.

[manker]

Sounds tasty, though. :smilie4:It does indeed. especially with appropriate formatting and emoticon.

obaby, tonight I'm gonna revoke your licence :naughty:Unlike that coleslaw thing that Mary whips up in the kitchen while the men grill the meat. Ew.

[chalice]

I never had a license, but I think I need one if somebody wants to revoke it.

Why isn't revoke a swear word?

I'd revoke the fuck outta her. Shut the fuck up, you revoke. I wouldn't revoke that with yours etc.

[manker]

Does that mean that you're approaching 60?

True question.

No, I'm the next generation. Picard and all that.That's quite a relief. I get nervous when old people are good at the internets.
It's just not natural.

[chalice]

Best insult I've received within the past 24 hours...


As time goes by, idiots should change, but I see the don't

Quality.

[manker]

I never had a license, but I think I need one if somebody wants to revoke it.

Why isn't revoke a swear word?

I'd revoke the fuck outta her. Shut the fuck up, you revoke. I wouldn't revoke that with yours etc.It should be.
Hard consonants for the fucking win.

[manker]

Best insult I've received within the past 24 hours...


As time goes by, idiots should change, but I see the don't

Quality.Looks like Allen's fair hand, that.

[chalice]

Best insult I've received within the past 24 hours...



Quality.Looks like Allen's fair hand, that.

Allen wouldn't dare venture into movieworld.

This a profoundly profoundly (yes) stupid cunt who I harshed for a few weeks. Not even once did he get a sentence in order. It was hilarious and altogether too easy. It did all the work itself, but kept on keeping on nonetheless.

I was juggling spastics at the time, but he was special cos it seemed like he was headbutting Babelfish while professing to come from New York. Whatchagonnado.

[manker]

I'm jelly.
Haven't managed to obtain a pet spastic of my very own since I made manker come back to life.
I mean there's reject, but he's more a communal spastic.

Didn't realise you branched out into the movies.
I had a brief perusal myself but all I could see there was IdolEyes saying every movie ever made is shite unless clocker likes it.

[chalice]

I'm jelly.
Haven't managed to obtain a pet spastic of my very own since I made manker come back to life.
I mean there's reject, but he's more a communal spastic.

Didn't realise you branched out into the movies.
I had a brief perusal myself but all I could see there was IdolEyes saying every movie ever made is shite unless clocker likes it.

Believe me, man, I've been like the board Hitler or something for years. I started out trying to clear some ground for the lounge, but it got fucking exponential.

Then I started to enjoy it. That was fatal, and then I just couldn't fucking stop. Still can't tbh. Then I became a parody of myself.

Now they seem to've dried up for the most part.

[manker]

I'm jelly.
Haven't managed to obtain a pet spastic of my very own since I made manker come back to life.
I mean there's reject, but he's more a communal spastic.

Didn't realise you branched out into the movies.
I had a brief perusal myself but all I could see there was IdolEyes saying every movie ever made is shite unless clocker likes it.

Believe me, man, I've been like the board Hitler or something for years. I started out trying to clear some ground for the lounge, but it got fucking exponential.

Then I started to enjoy it. That was fatal, and then I just couldn't fucking stop. Still can't tbh. Then I became a parody of myself.

Now they seem to've dried up for the most part.And all the while Chumly McChumski in the $10 thread.
I feel as if I should embark upon an epic adventure through old stuff to see what's been appertaining.

It's not your fault, spastics were much more hardy back in the olden days :no:

[chalice]

Believe me, man, I've been like the board Hitler or something for years. I started out trying to clear some ground for the lounge, but it got fucking exponential.

Then I started to enjoy it. That was fatal, and then I just couldn't fucking stop. Still can't tbh. Then I became a parody of myself.

Now they seem to've dried up for the most part.And all the while Chumly McChumski in the $10 thread.
I feel as if I should embark upon an epic adventure through old stuff to see what's been appertaining.

It's not your fault, spastics were much more hardy back in the olden days :no:

Yeah, well, I was talking to my mates in that thread. Out-wise, however, I was a total cunt.

Won't apologise, however, cos it was an outlet and necessary anyway (or so I tell myself).

Reading back, though, sometimes I shoulda been slapped firmly in the gob. Pure evil in some instances.

[chalice]

Bail conditions. Sounds like a side-effect. Time served for the vehicular repositioning alluded to previously, Our Kid is once again a presence in the community. There is, it appears, a limitless supply of ankle tags and institutional stupidity at work. Nobody, no eagled-eyed clerk in that well-oiled machination of a legal system managed to notice that he'd snipped off a series of ankle tags on no less than three separate occasions, and went about his rampage as singularly as only he knows how.

This armed robbery charge looms all the while. Everything's coming up roses, though, cos nobody (the entire population must be high) could pick him out of a line up, and the woman whose car he high-jacked is being pounded by chemo as we speak, and isn't likely to turn up for court. So, chances are he'll walk.

However, part of his sentence being served stipulated him having to attend urine tests weekly, and there's not a flea's fucking chance of Our Kid staying clean for more than two weeks, never mind and year and a Siberian half. Given these restrictions he'll lurch forth into the night anon and my mother will have had his bedroom painted for nothing.

[megabyteme]

While not granted brains at birth, he seems to have the luck of the Irish on his side...

[brotherdoobie]

Sorry, I assumed our failed "War on Drugs" was known to be a failure outside of our borders. We have certainly pressured enough foreign countries into joining in.

Actually, what I was referring to was more of a War on the Casual Marijuana User. People have spent years in jail for non-violent offenses involving smallish amounts of pot/plants, lost their houses/cars/boats/etc. At the same time, our prison system has grown drastically, and other criminals have gotten out.

The US's "War on Drugs" has been a disaster in terms of cost, justice, and personal liberties. I am somewhat happy it is not one of the "imports" that has arrived along with McDonalds...

The U.S. a country of 311 million people currently houses 2 million of them in prison, this is actually one quarter of the world's prison population. From this sum you can extrapolate that either A. the inhabitants of the U.S. are inherently a great deal more criminal than the rest of us, or B. the legal system is a tad overzealous.

Also the fact that under federal law marijuana is treated as a Class A drug and carries the same penalties as possession or distribution of Heroin, while the rest of the world treats possession at least as a minor offence and in many cases not even a prisonable one.


Most states have decriminalized the possession of marijuana, tho.

In Ohio you can have close to a quarter pound of it, and if you're caught carrying; the penalty is equivalent to a traffic citation.

If you were to get caught growing or selling, well ... that's another matter entirely

-doobs.

[Funkin']

If I didn't have zero(well almost zero) trouble getting laid then I would probably take offense to this... Most females to tend find my my my stutttttering to be cute. And considering it's basically every letter of the alphabet that I have trouble with i'm lucky that most girls think this way towards me...

[brotherdoobie]

Would a beating and a severe shaking help your brother, Chalice?

My brother is 26 years old, 370 pounds, never had a job and is going to be moving in with my family and I.

My sister too.


I love them and all, like. But still ...


Fuck all ... fuck all ... fuck all.

[Squeamous]

At least my stuttering freak brother of a sister was decent enough to die of cancer 4 years ago.

Ye gads, we've all got similar stories. Maybe everyone who lives in the internet is running away from someone :blink:. It's like golf for the modern age.

[mjmacky]

My brother was celebrating his birthday yesterday. I was invited and intended to go, but I ended up sleeping almost 16 hours instead.

I guess the point is siblings can fix themselves, but their more responsible counterparts can have selfish priorities.

[brotherdoobie]

At least my stuttering freak brother of a sister was decent enough to die of cancer 4 years ago.

Ye gads, we've all got similar stories. Maybe everyone who lives in the internet is running away from someone :blink:. It's like golf for the modern age.


"The Door To Nowhere"


115345

True story.


-doobs

[megabyteme]

I have a half-sister from my dad's wandering daze. My mother was kind enough to abort all my other potential siblings. :idunno:

[Artemis]

The U.S. a country of 311 million people currently houses 2 million of them in prison, this is actually one quarter of the world's prison population. From this sum you can extrapolate that either A. the inhabitants of the U.S. are inherently a great deal more criminal than the rest of us, or B. the legal system is a tad overzealous.

Also the fact that under federal law marijuana is treated as a Class A drug and carries the same penalties as possession or distribution of Heroin, while the rest of the world treats possession at least as a minor offence and in many cases not even a prisonable one.


Most states have decriminalized the possession of marijuana, tho.

In Ohio you can have close to a quarter pound of it, and if you're caught carrying; the penalty is equivalent to a traffic citation.

If you were to get caught growing or selling, well ... that's another matter entirely

-doobs.

I have followed the legislation from the states that have introduced medical marijuana laws and also those that have decriminalised possession. I didn't realise it was that many, I only thought about one third had introduced such legislation. That it is becoming more widely adopted is a great leap forward and is in line with the rest of the developed world.

As I said before the statistics are grim, over 2 million people are incarcerated in the U.S. which is one quarter of the world's prison population. From this you can extrapolate one of two conclusions: either the population of the U.S. are inherently a great deal more criminal than the rest of the world which is unlikely, or that the justice system is a lot harsher in the U.S. . This blog collates alot of the statistics on crime rates, but also shows the demographically and by region: http://filipspagnoli.wordpress.com/stats-on-human-rights/statistics-on-freedom/statistics-on-prisoner-population-rates/

A large percentage of those incarcerated in the U.S. is due to the 'war on drugs' which seems to have been fairly indiscriminate, and just concerned itself with a body count in terms of arrests rather than a policy on reducing drug use.

As I said at the beginning the statistics speak for themselves, if anything is to be learned from history, it is that you cannot regulate human nature, but the fact that more states are decriminalising personal use of marijuana, along with the medical marijuana initiatives are some very positive steps.

[Squeamous]

I have a half-sister from my dad's wandering daze. My mother was kind enough to abort all my other potential siblings. :idunno:

Was it something your dad said? :unsure:

[megabyteme]

I have a half-sister from my dad's wandering daze. My mother was kind enough to abort all my other potential siblings. :idunno:

Was it something your dad said? :unsure:

They split up before I was born. My mother simply feels no remorse about anything she has ever done.

[Squeamous]

They split up before I was born. My mother simply feels no remorse about anything she has ever done.

Isn't abortion pretty much by definition remorse?

[megabyteme]

They split up before I was born. My mother simply feels no remorse about anything she has ever done.

Isn't abortion pretty much by definition remorse?

I'd call it a "fix it". For most women, having an abortion is a big, traumatic experience. For her, it's about as traumatic as getting her hair cut.

[mjmacky]

Isn't abortion pretty much by definition remorse?

I'd call it a "fix it". For most women, having an abortion is a big, traumatic experience. For her, it's about as traumatic as getting her hair cut.

Your mother's a European I take it.

[Squeamous]

I'd call it a "fix it". For most women, having an abortion is a big, traumatic experience. For her, it's about as traumatic as getting her hair cut.

You don't need to fix it if you don't regret it. And if you keep doing something you know you'll regret that makes you a bit of a knob. If you don't mind me saying.

[mjmacky]

And if you keep doing something you know you'll regret that makes you a bit of a knob.

And if a government makes you keep something that you'll regret and subsequently abuse, who's the bigger knob? It's The Man, that's who.

[Squeamous]

And if a government makes you keep something that you'll regret and subsequently abuse, who's the bigger knob? It's The Man, that's who.

Who said that was the alternative? It's very simple. It all hinges on the concept of personal responsibility and having some small iota of self control - you can have the abortion by all means but how about a condom? That works too. Mind you, I suppose in America you guys pay for your abortions so if you want to use them as contraception at least it's got nothing to do with anyone but you.

[Squeamous]

Look I'm sorry, I'm just a little sensitive about abortion right now. My best friend stayed over with her boyfriend back in January, and rather than use the sofa bed provided, she chose to let the useless fucktard impregnate her on my one and only prized possession: my pimp chair115504I wouldn't mind her using my pimp chair as some sort of fertility stool if she hadn't already let him inseminate her in December. At least then she had the decency to abort the abomination herself using a cocktail of speed and alcohol. This time if took her fucking months to make her mind up, and the whole time my chair wasn't sure if it was a fertility chair or an abortion chair. An answer finally came around March when she finally had it flushed out, and thus my cool, awesome chair played a pivotal role in a senseless display of fuckwittery. It's never quite regained its composure, as I'm sure you can tell.

[mjmacky]

And if a government makes you keep something that you'll regret and subsequently abuse, who's the bigger knob? It's The Man, that's who.

Who said that was the alternative? It's very simple. It all hinges on the concept of personal responsibility and having some small iota of self control - you can have the abortion by all means but how about a condom? That works too. Mind you, I suppose in America you guys pay for your abortions so if you want to use them as contraception at least it's got nothing to do with anyone but you.

Actually I was thinking of Romania circa late 1960s, an afterthought I seem to always carry after seeing that one documentary film.

[mjmacky]

and the whole time my chair wasn't sure if it was a fertility chair or an abortion chair.

:lol:

P.S. that chair looks to be a difficult setting for the conceptions, what with the rollers. Your wood floors must be fucked.

[Squeamous]

Oh I know the one. That still happens to a lesser degree I think, although anyone suggesting such a thing in the run-up to Romania's inclusion into the European Union was called a horrible racist and told to be quiet.

[Squeamous]

and the whole time my chair wasn't sure if it was a fertility chair or an abortion chair.

:lol:

P.S. that chair looks to be a difficult setting for the conceptions, what with the rollers. Your wood floors must be fucked.

I'm surprised the rollers are intact, neither of them are small people. Still, one finds a way when one is expressly forbade from doing something :dry:

[mjmacky]

:lol:

P.S. that chair looks to be a difficult setting for the conceptions, what with the rollers. Your wood floors must be fucked.

I'm surprised the rollers are intact, neither of them are small people. Still, one finds a way when one is expressly forbade from doing something :dry:

They look quality with all of the shininess, hence why I assumed them to be the dominatrices and not the gimps.

[Squeamous]

They look quality with all of the shininess, hence why I assumed them to be the dominatrices and not the gimps.

I'll pass on the compliment :smilie4:. I don't even have to polish them or anything like that. They're as shiny as they day it arrived. They're looking a little jaunty though, the chair prefers it if the casters are straight and facing the room. I must have dislodged them from prime position with the vacuum cleaner :wacko:

[mjmacky]

I must have dislodged them from prime position with the vacuum cleaner :wacko:

I was thinking they weren't aesthetically aligned due to recent sexual use; however, your explanation doesn't specifically discredit that. :naughty:

[Squeamous]

I don't vacuum and tell :snooty:

[mjmacky]

I don't vacuum and tell :snooty:

Well vacuum too.

[manker]

I bet when chavois started this thread, he didn't think that people would post vile familial parodies that it couldn't possibly of ever happened in order to make him feel better about the recidivist stuttering freak sibling.

You guise <3

[mjmacky]

I bet when chavois started this thread, he didn't think that people would post vile familial parodies that it couldn't possibly of ever happened in order to make him feel better about the recidivist stuttering freak sibling.

You guise <3

However, abortion was a natural topic that took too long to make its entrance.

[Squeamous]

I can't believe it's taken this long.

[manker]

Nice chair, but.
I would hope that it's a novelty piece and doesn't fit in well with the rest of the decor.

Not that I know anything about interior decorating.
Je suis ne un cawk-smuggler pas.

[manker]

I just looked again and saw the chrome plug sockets.
Noice :smilie4:

[Squeamous]

Nice chair, but.
I would hope that it's a novelty piece and doesn't fit in well with the rest of the decor.

Not that I know anything about interior decorating.
Je suis ne un cawk-smuggler pas.


I just looked again and saw the chrome plug sockets.
Noice :smilie4:

They're everywhere Manky. Everywhere.

It's a novelty piece....just like all the others :snooty:

[manker]

It's a novelty piece....just like all the others :snooty::lol: :earl:

[Squeamous]

All my light switches are chrome too. And remote controlled :naughty:

[manker]

Fate is what it is. I wouldn't even have to get out of bed to turn the lights off before you remove your bra.



===
Edit:

See.
Chicks dig chrome.

I always knew it but no one here believed me. A steady stream of chrome is how I've managed to keep a steady stream of steady girlfriend type women cooking and cleaning for me while I've accumulated half a brazillion posts on the internets.

[Squeamous]

Fate is what it is. I wouldn't even have to get out of bed to turn the lights off before you remove your bra.



===
Edit:

See.
Chicks dig chrome.

I always knew it but no one here believed me. A steady stream of chrome is how I've managed to keep a steady stream of steady girlfriend type women cooking and cleaning for me while I've accumulated half a brazillion posts on the internets.

:glag: it's ok you don't have to, they're invisible to the naked eye.

There's more to you than chrome, I'm sure of it. Possibly black marble too.

[manker]

Fate is what it is. I wouldn't even have to get out of bed to turn the lights off before you remove your bra.



===
Edit:

See.
Chicks dig chrome.

I always knew it but no one here believed me. A steady stream of chrome is how I've managed to keep a steady stream of steady girlfriend type women cooking and cleaning for me while I've accumulated half a brazillion posts on the internets.

:glag: it's ok you don't have to, they're invisible to the naked eye.

There's more to you than chrome, I'm sure of it. Possibly black marble too.
I get a bit of a wide-on regarding properly polished wood floors too.
True Story.

[Squeamous]

I get a bit of a wide-on regarding properly polished wood floors too.
True Story.

Bald's Furniture Balm all the way baby.

[manker]

That's code for lady-jizz if ever I saw it and I completely approve of your wood nourishing methodology.

[Squeamous]

That's code for lady-jizz if ever I saw it and I completely approve of your wood nourishing methodology.

I use the same stuff on my antique stocks :naughty:

[chalice]

Went for a pint with Our Kid today. It was all kinds of disaster. He brung along this bint, not altogether distasteful in the eyeball department, but she let herself down by vomiting directly into a drain when we went out for a smoke.

He couldn't manage to get a round in without calling the specky, fat, bar steward a cunt. Twice. It was quite a wonder to behold. Twice.

He poked his stuttering wire into this thing with three previous kids, the father of the aforementioned having hanged himself last year. He met her last night via text. They seem to be in love.

The ridiculousness he hit the bar staff with is a story for another day.

[manker]

Reunions always brings a tear to the eye and this is no exception.

He seems to be doing remarkably well considering we all thought he'd be well tucked up at her majesty's pleasure by now.
Dave better watch his back and his front simultaneously.

[mjmacky]

He brung along this bint, not altogether distasteful in the eyeball department, but she let herself down by vomiting directly into a drain when we went out for a smoke.

I was a bit confused for a little while since my instinctual interpretation of "bint" is "daughter". It's the first word I ever learned to write in Arabic, so it kind of sticks with me.

[megabyteme]

Dave better watch his back and his front simultaneously.

Good news! May I suggest he introduces himself by taking out one of Dave's eyes with a pencil. :glag: <---- See, that means it's funny. Just like Dave making death threats today because everyone has been ignoring him.

[manker]

Gawd.
He always does that when he doesn't get enough attention. It's getting old, he needs a new hook.

I'm just going to write here that I'd definitely go and talk to him if he started self-harming and posting pics.

[megabyteme]

Gawd.
He always does that when he doesn't get enough attention. It's getting old, he needs a new hook.

I'm just going to write here that I'd definitely go and talk to him if he started self-harming and posting pics.

I'm almost afraid of Dave meeting SFB- they have so many issues in common, they might hit it off. :O

[Squeamous]

Went for a pint with Our Kid today. It was all kinds of disaster. He brung along this bint, not altogether distasteful in the eyeball department, but she let herself down by vomiting directly into a drain when we went out for a smoke.

He couldn't manage to get a round in without calling the specky, fat, bar steward a cunt. Twice. It was quite a wonder to behold. Twice.

He poked his stuttering wire into this thing with three previous kids, the father of the aforementioned having hanged himself last year. He met her last night via text. They seem to be in love.

The ridiculousness he hit the bar staff with is a story for another day.

Well as a good friend of mine would say "You know the best relationships you can have last for as long as a few drinks and a dirty fuck in a nightclub toilet. Couple of hours, tops. No attachments, no hard feelings and everybody goes home happy."

She could be The One!

[IdolEyes787]

Went for a pint with Our Kid today. It was all kinds of disaster. He brung along this bint, not altogether distasteful in the eyeball department, but she let herself down by vomiting directly into a drain when we went out for a smoke.

He couldn't manage to get a round in without calling the specky, fat, bar steward a cunt. Twice. It was quite a wonder to behold. Twice.

He poked his stuttering wire into this thing with three previous kids, the father of the aforementioned having hanged himself last year. He met her last night via text. They seem to be in love.

The ridiculousness he hit the bar staff with is a story for another day.

I hope I didn't miss anything because I haven't yet found the part where you went out and train spotted.

[manker]

Went for a pint with Our Kid today. It was all kinds of disaster. He brung along this bint, not altogether distasteful in the eyeball department, but she let herself down by vomiting directly into a drain when we went out for a smoke.

He couldn't manage to get a round in without calling the specky, fat, bar steward a cunt. Twice. It was quite a wonder to behold. Twice.

He poked his stuttering wire into this thing with three previous kids, the father of the aforementioned having hanged himself last year. He met her last night via text. They seem to be in love.

The ridiculousness he hit the bar staff with is a story for another day.

Well as a good friend of mine would say "You know the best relationships you can have last for as long as a few drinks and a dirty fuck in a nightclub toilet. Couple of hours, tops. No attachments, no hard feelings and everybody goes home happy.":eyebrows:

That 'good friend' ... it's you, isn't it.

[megabyteme]

Well as a good friend of mine would say "You know the best relationships you can have last for as long as a few drinks and a dirty fuck in a nightclub toilet. Couple of hours, tops. No attachments, no hard feelings and everybody goes home happy.":eyebrows:

That 'good friend' ... it's you, isn't it.

No, Squeams is the one her friend tells stories about...and winces.

[Squeamous]

I prefer to think of them as admiring glances :snooty:

[mjmacky]

Make it coerced toilet sex, and the girl some type of Asian, and you've got relationship cooking.

[Squeamous]

And if you're lucky, it will be female. And if you're very very lucky, you'll get AIDS.

[chalice]

Life on the outside isn't all Subutex and Valium. Sure, you get to have conventional sex, and the meals are considerably improved, but with being at large comes large responsibilities. As our kid can testify, his first month of comparative freedom having proven less than glorious.

Tethered by electronics and bail conditions to a curfew'd orbit of my mother's house, he redoubled his resolve to consume every depressant known to mankind. Seems some women are enamoured with the idea of a medically classified psychopath with all the vocal eloquence of a grand mal victim. The girl we last saw throwing up into a drain has now taken up semi-residence in my mother's house. She slips from bedroom to bathroom in a flash of towel and flesh and eats only toast and pills. She's 25, has 3 kids, of whom her mother has custody. Her ex-boyfriend is a childhood friend of our kid's who hanged himself last year. His family has begun a facebook hate campaign against our kid and her which will only end in bloodshed.

He cut himself up the other night. His arms look like a fucking skating rink. He's going into detox on Monday. Isn't love grand.

[Artemis]

We actually did the 'noble' thing and helped out a young lad with a checkered history with the law, by the age of 18 he had already managed a stay in prison.We knew him well, and alot of his problems were due to his family being utterly dysfunctional, but he was and is a talented horse rider, but I digress, I agreed to have him in my own home on home detention since the other option was yet another prison sentence. So the probation service came and interviewed me and checked out my home to see if I would be a suitable environment and did a background check to see if I was a drug dealer or serial killer, apparently I'm not which is a relief.

They then hooked up the required equipment, but asked why I was doing this when he wasn't a relative, and asked if I knew what I was letting myself in for (which I didn't). Now this turned out to be a really bad fucking idea, the difference between knowing someone who needs something from you and is being 'nice' and a criminal who has got what he wants and doesn't give a fuck is quite remarkable, and for such a young person, underneath the exterior is an attitude you couldn't knock down with a sledge hammer, talk about a hardcase, the only thing that worked was a combination of me physically threatening to take him apart at the seams, which I was very tempted to do, and simply revoking my bond as his place of detention which would have meant immediate imprisonment.

There are some people that do NOT learn, that will bite the hand that feeds them (he constantly stole from us during the detention), and yet become angry when you finally reach the end of your tether and threaten to turf them out. My six year old daughter is better mannered than that hooligan was.

There is the argument that he is from a dysfunctional background but that is pure bollocks, some people dwell upon their past and go that is so unfair and do not move forward, whether the trauma is minor or major, others have the resiliency to bounce and carry on despite the circumstances, and whether his family wasn't nice or not, this kid would nick the gold fillings out of your head while you were sleeping and lie to your face, and he really enjoyed confrontation, I mean got off on it, the more of a wind up it was and the more emotion and shit storm there was the more he was into it, didn't give a fuck what he said, or who he said it to the more shocking the better.
So the long and the short of it is chalice, although I don't have a brother that is a self destructive loon, I have tried to help one, more fool me.

[Skweeky]

Can I come live with you on your farm in Noob Zeeland? :wub:

[Artemis]

Why yes you can ;)

[Skweeky]

I'll be there in 48-72 hours

[Artemis]

You don't require home detention do you?

[Skweeky]

No, I am reasonavbly well-behaved. I recently received a certificate that I am not a sex offender - how good is that?
I do have two kids though...

[Artemis]

Snap (on the two kids) I don't actually think they hand out certificates for not being a sex offender here, the police check seemed to be good enough... :idunno:

[Skweeky]

They have something called a PVG scheme here - you need to pass their checks if you are going to work with vulnerable groups.
I got it because I volunteer for this organisation called STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, Maths). Funnily enough (and in line with this thread), the only event I am currently involved in is a mathsjam once a month in the local high security prison.

[chalice]

Jesus.

Tell stories about fucked up relatives or fuck the fuck off. The pair of you. Fuck.

Nice story, Art, apart from having a non-presence of horse fucking and relevance to this thread. Every breath you draw pulls you further away from your Scottish sense.

As soon as our kid gets done with Dave, you and your lovely horses are next.

[Skweeky]

Sorry, I have no current stories of fucked up family members, though I may have some old ones, will that do?

[chalice]

Sorry, I have no current stories of fucked up family members, though I may have some old ones, will that do?

Yes. Better be good, though. And better be true. The truer the betterer.

[Artemis]

Jesus.

Tell stories about fucked up relatives or fuck the fuck off. The pair of you. Fuck.

Nice story, Art, apart from having a non-presence of horse fucking and relevance to this thread. Every breath you draw pulls you further away from your Scottish sense.

As soon as our kid gets done with Dave, you and your lovely horses are next.

The horse fucker is the only really sick twist in my arsenal chalice and he wasn't a relative or I would have quietly drowned him, sadly either the relatives are still in Scotchland where they can't yell at me, or here and decidedly normal so that's about if for this fred, I'll fuck off now....

[Skweeky]

Ok, erm, I'll start off gently with the story of my half-brother.

My dad had a son from his first marriage who is 25 years older than I am. They kept falling out and then sporadically either of the two would get in touch with the other again. The first time this happened I was 10 years old, understandably, I was quite excited about the prospect of having a new older brother (especially since I wasn't allowed any contact with my other siblings, but more about that some other time).
A few months later my half-brother announced that him and his missus were opening a new pub. Great news you say? Not quite.
Said pub was actually a front for a brothel. Naturally, my half-brother started an affair with one of the girls and his missus started turning the odd trick or two herself. I am not sure of this, but in hindsight, I think they both had a massive cocaine addiction as well.
Anyhoo, things soon escalated and my half-brother took it upon himself to start beating up his missus on a regular basis, which put me into some lovely situations where I would be sent round to pick up a key from his missus only to discover her face was black and blue and he was holding her hostage inside the flat so she couldn't tell people.
Eventually, the whole 'pub' thing fell down and he was left with a ginormous mountain of debt, which of course, he fled from.

By the time that whole episode happened, the pub was called 'Granada V'. Why 'V' I hear you ask? Ah, that is because that was the fifth time they had embarked on a similar venture, of course each time with exactly the same outcome.

I believe there was Granada VI at some point, but this was after my dad had died and we were no longer in touch by then. Thank fuck.


Not quite as spectacular as your story though chavis - soz man.

[chalice]

Jesus.

Tell stories about fucked up relatives or fuck the fuck off. The pair of you. Fuck.

Nice story, Art, apart from having a non-presence of horse fucking and relevance to this thread. Every breath you draw pulls you further away from your Scottish sense.

As soon as our kid gets done with Dave, you and your lovely horses are next.

The horse fucker is the only really sick twist in my arsenal chalice and he wasn't a relative or I would have quietly drowned him, sadly either the relatives are still in Scotchland where they can't yell at me, or here and decidedly normal so that's about if for this fred, I'll fuck off now....

Nowhere near good enough, compadre. Nobody leaves that easily.

Hey, I've got loads. We bred like rats. The Pope decreed it. There's bound to be traffic. I'll start.

My cousin bared her magnificent tit one time when we were playing Spin The Bottle. It rearranged my neurons. She died in a car crash. No, not really.

But I did see my cousin's tit. And nobody can take that away from me.

[chalice]

Ok, erm, I'll start off gently with the story of my half-brother.

My dad had a son from his first marriage who is 25 years older than I am. They kept falling out and then sporadically either of the two would get in touch with the other again. The first time this happened I was 10 years old, understandably, I was quite excited about the prospect of having a new older brother (especially since I wasn't allowed any contact with my other siblings, but more about that some other time).
A few months later my half-brother announced that him and his missus were opening a new pub. Great news you say? Not quite.
Said pub was actually a front for a brothel. Naturally, my half-brother started an affair with one of the girls and his missus started turning the odd trick or two herself. I am not sure of this, but in hindsight, I think they both had a massive cocaine addiction as well.
Anyhoo, things soon escalated and my half-brother took it upon himself to start beating up his missus on a regular basis, which put me into some lovely situations where I would be sent round to pick up a key from his missus only to discover her face was black and blue and he was holding her hostage inside the flat so she couldn't tell people.
Eventually, the whole 'pub' thing fell down and he was left with a ginormous mountain of debt, which of course, he fled from.

By the time that whole episode happened, the pub was called 'Granada V'. Why 'V' I hear you ask? Ah, that is because that was the fifth time they had embarked on a similar venture, of course each time with exactly the same outcome.

I believe there was Granada VI at some point, but this was after my dad had died and we were no longer in touch by then. Thank fuck.


Not quite as spectacular as your story though chavis - soz man.

Fan-fucking-tastico. to the max.

I've missed your mental ways. True story. :smooch:

[Skweeky]

Ok, erm, I'll start off gently with the story of my half-brother.

My dad had a son from his first marriage who is 25 years older than I am. They kept falling out and then sporadically either of the two would get in touch with the other again. The first time this happened I was 10 years old, understandably, I was quite excited about the prospect of having a new older brother (especially since I wasn't allowed any contact with my other siblings, but more about that some other time).
A few months later my half-brother announced that him and his missus were opening a new pub. Great news you say? Not quite.
Said pub was actually a front for a brothel. Naturally, my half-brother started an affair with one of the girls and his missus started turning the odd trick or two herself. I am not sure of this, but in hindsight, I think they both had a massive cocaine addiction as well.
Anyhoo, things soon escalated and my half-brother took it upon himself to start beating up his missus on a regular basis, which put me into some lovely situations where I would be sent round to pick up a key from his missus only to discover her face was black and blue and he was holding her hostage inside the flat so she couldn't tell people.
Eventually, the whole 'pub' thing fell down and he was left with a ginormous mountain of debt, which of course, he fled from.

By the time that whole episode happened, the pub was called 'Granada V'. Why 'V' I hear you ask? Ah, that is because that was the fifth time they had embarked on a similar venture, of course each time with exactly the same outcome.

I believe there was Granada VI at some point, but this was after my dad had died and we were no longer in touch by then. Thank fuck.


Not quite as spectacular as your story though chavis - soz man.


I forgot to mention - we would regularly stop by this place; I once met my teacher in there (I was 11). You can imagine the splash that made at school.

[Artemis]

Okay I still don't know to this day why the fuck my cousin drowned himself in the Avon river, he had a great career, the wife, the three kids, the dog and he killed himself by drowning, I mean fuck, it's a slow horrible way to go, and every time I think of it I just think what the fuck??????

[Skweeky]

We need more drama than that.

[Artemis]

:idunno:

[Skweeky]

Chavis, I think you're up for a menthol story like.

[Artemis]

The only real drama I can provide is a link to the horse fucker story in the 20p fred, it's chalice' all-time favorite story apparently.

[chalice]

My uncle did a series of armed robberies in San Francisco over a period of three years amounting to around $300,000. His accomplice got greedy and ended up getting penetrated by gentlemen of an incarcerated demeanour shorty thereafter.

He fled back home to Belfast, leaving behind a family complete with handicapped son, never to return, to die of liver failure at the age of fifty. He was a funny guy, though.

[Skweeky]

I wish we had a 'like' button. Best story ever.

[Skweeky]

Not sure I can top that story chavis, but my great-uncle was the Belgian ambassador in Congo back in the 50's ><

[chalice]

My aunt told the entire family, including her husband and kids that she was dying from cancer. She wasn't. It was a lie. Not only that, but when she was supposed to be going for treatment, she was actually having an affair with some bloke.

All this was eventually exposed and her husband took her back. What a spastic.

[Skweeky]

:lol:

My uncle once tried to kill his wife with a shotgun

[chalice]

My brother-in-law was a teenage arsonist. He set light to a primary school and had to be sent to England until the heat died down. Literally.

[chalice]

Okay I still don't know to this day why the fuck my cousin drowned himself in the Avon river, he had a great career, the wife, the three kids, the dog and he killed himself by drowning, I mean fuck, it's a slow horrible way to go, and every time I think of it I just think what the fuck??????

On first reading I thought that your cousin drowned himself and his dog. I was all like 'what a cunt'. Poor dog didn't wanna be part of a suicide pact.

[Skweeky]

My other uncle faked a DNA test that said he wasn't his father's son.

[chalice]

:eyebrows:

Noice.

[Artemis]

My brother-in-law was a teenage arsonist. He set light to a primary school and had to be sent to England until the heat died down. Literally.
What the hell was the primary school made from? :blink:

[chalice]

My brother-in-law was a teenage arsonist. He set light to a primary school and had to be sent to England until the heat died down. Literally.
What the hell was the primary school made from? :blink:

What does that matter, you nut? I'm quite sure he would've had the foresight to bring his own flammable materials. Any self-respecting pyromaniac can rustle up a molotov quick smart.

[Artemis]

What the hell was the primary school made from? :blink:

What does that matter, you nut? I'm quite sure he would've had the foresight to bring his own flammable materials. Any self-respecting pyromaniac can rustle up a molotov quick smart.

Awww come on, read it again, you left me a lovely dangling participle which I took advantage of, a double entendre of heat dying down and what was the school made of.... :naughty:

[chalice]

Okay then. I don't do subtlety on Sunday mornings, Art.

[Squeamous]

This is better than Jeremy Kyle :eat:

[manker]

My aunt told the entire family, including her husband and kids that she was dying from cancer. She wasn't. It was a lie. Not only that, but when she was supposed to be going for treatment, she was actually having an affair with some bloke.

All this was eventually exposed and her husband took her back. What a spastic.
Fantastic.

Your family seems much more mental than mine.
I should be glad but I've now got a strange hankering to see my cousin's tit.

[megabyteme]

I may go a bit deeper when I have more time, but for now I'll say that my mother promised to dance on her mother's grave. My grandmother responded by having her ashes spread in a lake...

[chalice]

If there exists a twin, braided theme to Stuttering Freak Brother Update then these are violence and stupidity. Today I'm very pleased to bring you both, intrinsically cleaved. I scarcely believe it myself.

Our kid and an acquaintance of his from jail found themselves in each others' company the other night. Drugs and alcohol were certainly a factor, but they surely can't entirely claim ownership of the idea that a 'punching each other in the face' competition would be an edifying experience. Stupidity was clearly fastidiously at work in this scenario.

Turns out our kid has been in hospital for the last two days having had an operation for his broken jaw. He's telling his brief that he was randomly assaulted and claiming criminal injuries. He vows to stab the acquaintance. Not only has he squandered National Health resources (this'll be ongoing cos he'll milk them for every painkiller ever), but he'll also get paid for it.

Sigh.

[Skweeky]

But you're still meeting me in Belfast right?
Your bother can come along if he likes - I am going with my friend Andy, who is a prison officer - he should feel right at home :happy:

[chalice]

But you're still meeting me in Belfast right?
Your bother can come along if he likes - I am going with my friend Andy, who is a prison officer - he should feel right at home :happy:

Are you still with Gem? You haven't mentioned him much and your friend Andy clearly wants to smuggle you abroad and rape you.

Prison guards are like that.

[Squeamous]

I hope she still is, otherwise her silence to my 'are you a single mum yet?' question is entirely understandable!

[Skweeky]

Meh...is really all I want to say about that topic.

[Squeamous]

Sowee Skweeks x

[chalice]

And women say we're blind to their feelings. There's positively a negative pulse to wot Skweeks said.

I can almost feel a tit growing in my half bosom.

[Skweeky]

You're probably just growing a moob - I heard that happens sometimes around middle age.

[chalice]

You're probably just growing a moob - I heard that happens sometimes around middle age.

Bollocky boo, girley. I'm as fit as two fiddles fiddling each other.

The swelling in my chest was just base sympathy at your utter failure at marriage and stuff, like.

[Skweeky]

You sure the swelling was in your chest? :naughty:

[chalice]

You sure the swelling was in your chest? :naughty:

What happened then? Start a thread.

My guess? He did the dirt.

I'm allowed multiple guesses.

[chalice]

My second guess is that you did the dirt with a prison officer named Andy.

[Skweeky]

:lol:

None of that. I'm not starting a thread either.

[chalice]

He didn't like your hideous faux Scottish accent. Your nipples radiated in opposite directions. Your eyebrows are hedged. Even questioning your questionable family is a questionable act. You taunted the poor fellow with JP's Celtic jersy baby gifts. The blow jobs dried up. The cooking was cramped into Belgian atrocities. The babies looked like you. The babies looked like him. He/you declared himself/yourself an artist/scientist. The babies hate you both/themselves/each other/the whole fucking world. He was a paedophile. He was a wife beater. His mother secretly beat your children. His father did, whilst taking them on boat rides. Your father shat on one of your childrens' faces.

Stop me when I'm getting close.

[Skweeky]

No, none of the above.

[chalice]

Sorry to hear all that, Sonja. Honestly.

I hope the kids are alright. You and Gem, too.

[Skweeky]

It's alright chavis - best to be happy seperately than miserable together :)

[chalice]

:no:

[chalice]

Who has the children?

[Something Else]

Happiness > Not-happiness.

[chalice]

Happiness > Not-happiness.

Well said, irrelevant observer.

I was just about to get Skweeks to say that her hovering husband has taken legal possession of her children, and by rite, her very soul. To the max and then some other maximum drama. But you ruined it with your hippie irrelevance.

You make me sick, but I love you.

[manker]

I can't think of anything I'd less like to do than have a face punching competition with a Northern Irish ex-con who was off his face.
Except for having one with a Northern Irish ex-con who was on his face. He'd probably hit harder and more accurately.

They have soft voices, the Northern Irish, you know. But they fight like fighty and strong wild beasts. Ibiza taught me this.


In other news; at least we now know why Skweeks was chatting barbie up on Facebook now :smilie4:

[Skweeky]

What what what? When was I chatting up Barbie on facebook? :O

[manker]

Just before you made your grand re-entrance chez nous.
He told us all about it.

[Skweeky]

Talking about KoC counts as 'chatting up'?
I may have some catching up to do on this new social concept.

[manker]

Yes and yes.
It's surprising what you miss when you're rearing kids.

I shall take you under my wing.

[Skweeky]

I feel like I should be saying no, but I am intrigued.

[megabyteme]

Yes and yes.
It's surprising what you miss when you're rearing kids.

I shall take you under my wing.

So now you are implying that Skweeks is turning into Mary. You've got a Mary obsession. :no:

[Something Else]

Happiness > Not-happiness.

Well said, irrelevant observer.

I was just about to get Skweeks to say that her hovering husband has taken legal possession of her children, and by rite, her very soul. To the max and then some other maximum drama. But you ruined it with your hippie irrelevance.

You make me sick, but I love you.

A bit like booze and mdma.