Ask A Stupid Question, Get A Stupid Answer

[Darth Sushi]

just fart in a bag and stick it in the freezer


Can I get laid in the Virgin Islands?

[bigboab]

only if you are a virgin


what would happen if water was 4% alcohol?

[Darth Sushi]

The mouthwash industry will go out of business



Is it legal to use the AM radio in the afternoon?

[bigboab]

only if you use a 24 hour clock


why have dogs not got nine lives?

[Darth Sushi]

cuz they can't catch cats



What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

[bigboab]

go to the front of the queue



why cant I think of another question this morning?

[Darth Sushi]

cuz Pluto is in the limelight



What makes cheese so confidential that we actually need cheese shredders?

[bigboab]

to prevent crooks milking the system. I don't know why they shred, the method they used before was grate.

can memory mattresses suffer from alzheimers?

[Darth Sushi]

only when the sheep don't bathe



If you can't drink and drive, why do bars/pubs have parking lots?

[bigboab]

it is an area for smoking, that is what you call forward planning


why don't they put the top of the beer in first, that would stop the need for the delay when topping off?

[Darth Sushi]

cuz U can't say bottoms up if you do that



If U become born again, R U required to have two bellybuttons?

[bigboab]

only if have a naval occupation


what would you call a desert if it got flooded?

[Darth Sushi]

an ocean



How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink?

[bigboab]

your letters are returned unread

where is the perfect example kept?

[Darth Sushi]

hidden


If bars aren't allowed to serve drunk people, then why is McDonald's allowed to serve fat people?

[bigboab]

because they live off the fat of the land


why do they call them deep sea divers when they jump in?

[Gribley]

Because they're emotionally dedicated (aka deeply involved) to the plunge

Why dive down when you could also fly up?

[bigboab]

you need to be full of gas to fly

soldiers march, why not april?

[Gribley]

Because she is my daughter so they ain`t coming anywhere close*

Why does grass have to be greener on the other side?








* not really although April is a nice name

[bigboab]

so that you will not get confused when mowing the lawn

why does all pop music sound the same?

[Gribley]

Because video killed the radio star and now it is really only Simon Cowell in a shed producing everything

Why do birds suddenly appear?

[bigboab]

because they really come out off the blue.

why does it always rain on me? I think we are starting to wax lyrical.

[Gribley]

Because the gods think you are English


If you plant a bulb why doesn`t a light tree grow?

[bigboab]

it depends if you plant it at ohm, or watt bulb you use.:wacko:

why do nettles sting you even if you have not harmed them?

[Gribley]

because they are evil little buggers, plants have feelings too

If space is a vacuum then does that mean Hoover owns it?

[bigboab]

if it has moved out off Britain it must be Dyson

is your area subject to flooding?

[Gribley]

Only if I leave the tap on

Why do the wheels go round and round on the bus?

[bigboab]

to create greater profits for Stagecoach

was the barrow the first vehicle, only one wheel available.

[Gribley]

NO, have you not played BC`s quest for tyres? (I spell it with a y)

171614


Do sub-atomic particles only appear under water?

[bigboab]

only when they are part of trident

why don't we wear wellies upside down?

[Gribley]

Gravity and the hole where the foot inserts I have found to be the driving force behind it. And my hands would just get muddy in that other reality


When smashing atoms is it best to use a hammer or a super collider?

[bigboab]

it would be safer just to slap them about a bit.

what happens to the remainder of the nine lives when a cat dies?

[Gribley]

Get a dog. Who cares about cats



If under water does that mean you have a bathysphere?

[bigboab]

maybe it is a showersphere for those of us that cant climb in and out of a bathysphere

if you don't mow the lawn how long will it be?

[kwezme]

will be really long and you can give it a nice combover.

what time will we get home?

[bigboab]

home is where you hang your hat. if it is on your head you are home already.

if a butt is full of water how does it get out?

[Gribley]

Through a prison break scenario of tattoos and 3 or 4 seasons of T-Bag... or alternatively just a broken pipe who knows :D

Why do squids have ink when they can`t write?

(BB - just a quick return as no one else seems to play)

[bigboab]

I was just going to ask why your break was short. It comes and goes we will get more in the winter.:)

they think they live in a well


if there is a lifetime guarantee who's life is it based on?

[Gribley]

Lifetime of the company before it goes into administration

My USB memory stick has 64Gb, why can`t it remember what I did yesterday?

[bigboab]

maybe it has Alzheimer's.


is it possible to forget everything, if so, how would you know if you have?

[Gribley]

Sorry what was the question again?


Would splitting a banana at an atomic level make a mushroom or just a nice dessert?

[bigboab]

a banana split would not happen in a month of sundaes

is raising chickens trying to make ens meet?

[Gribley]

Only if they are reformed (chicken nugget joke there)

If I use upper case letters does that mean I am posh?

[bigboab]

no, you are thinking of upper class (I think that is primary seven:blink:)

if you make your house child proof, can they still get in?

[Gribley]

They are like cockroaches you can`t keep `em out. Try to squish and you`ll just end arrested and they`ll take your house anyway.

When I eat a chicken nugget do I get gold filling?

[bigboab]

you would have more chance eating twenty four carrots

when you order a dozen rolls in Greggs why don't they give you thirteen?

[Gribley]

old school, because if they could bake and not just re-heat they`d have a real job and a (fairly bad but real) prospect

Should I buy shares in self raising flour futures?

[bigboab]

only if you knead the money

how does the milkman persuade the cows to put milk into bottles?

[Gribley]

because they object to wax coated cartons which chafe the udder and risk paper cuts where paper cuts should never be (so I have been led to believe)


How can I get a cold when the central heating is on?

[bigboab]

because the kids are playin draughts in another room

if you are wearing long johns what is long john wearing?

[Gribley]

extra large silver pants (I felt a balloon pants Prince reference coming on)

As jelly fish can be very dangerous why doesn`t Rowntree jelly babies have to have a warning notice on every packet?

[bigboab]

because the purchasers cannot read, they are suckers


if a watch does not have a second hand how does it know when a minute has passed?

[Gribley]

time is relative, therefor you only think a minute has passed when actually bugger all happened so who needs the extra hand (apart from the one armed man in the fugitive)


Is toilet paper hazardous waste after you have a chicken tikka phall

[bigboab]

in large volumes, yes.



do you think that people should cut down on spicy food after a certain age?

[Gribley]

Got to balance the heart burn against the colonic flush that a good curry offers in return. When we get old a curry flush can be a good, albeit hot, thing


Why do my socks have a draw when clearly they have no artistic tendancy

[bigboab]

maybe it has something to do with the charcoal inserted to reduce the odour.

why are we not watching the Olympics?

[Gribley]

I am but it is just a slow bike ride at the moment and we all know the Americans, China and (maybe now) Russia will win everything apart from Sailing, Canoe and track cycle anyway. Well live in hope but our UK 4 pence budget probably isn`t helping.... bet they flew out on Ryanair economy

I have a desktop fan, why doesn`t it give me a hug now and again to show me the love.

[bigboab]

fans are funny, one minute blowing hot the next minute blowing cold

we had a budget shop in the town for a few weeks. why did it not take off?

[Gribley]

because helium costs more than 1 pound

When I turn on my lights do they get excited?

[bigboab]

only if you are ohm alone

why don't cobblers sell cobbles?

[Gribley]

they will only ply their trade north of ground level

why don`t we play pin the tale on the blue whale, it would be much easier than using a donkey

[bigboab]

the amount of water required limits the arena size


when you turn a portrait round why cant you see the back of the head?

[Gribley]

because it would show the models bald spot

Why does 'health and safety' allow paper in the workplace when those cuts can really hurt?

[bigboab]

I agree, you would think 'one sheet' would be enough.

where does the sun go to on a cloudy day?

[Gribley]

I think it goes off and plays with the moon. My astronomic knowledge knows no bounds

If a giant sun flare could kill us all would factor 50 help?

[bigboab]

there would be nobody left to apply it correctly

if a cat chases its tail is always going to finish second?

[Gribley]

Depends on the drug dosage and nationality

If I spontaneously combust would I need to pay extra fuel allowance tax?

[bigboab]

yes, but you should have taken this into account when you were simmering

is it too late for me to enter the olympics?

[Gribley]

If you have your skis then you are sorted get in there

(sorry couldn`t think of a better one, having a very bad afternoon with wife)

Does using my sat-nav mean that I have missile targeted on me at all times unless I am under a bridge or somewhere inconvenient?

[bigboab]

you could send the missile back and say it is inconvenient at the moment


why cant we all have a Dorian Gray moment just to see the look on some peoples face, or my own for that matter.

[Gribley]

Ugly souls are not allowed in the UK so it couldn`t happen, well apart from anyone with an EU passport or just like to jump in the back of a lorry.....


If fish have fingers does that mean they can type?

[bigboab]

no because they cant see very well, they have a birds eye.

talking about fish, do they weigh themselves on their own scales?

[Gribley]

Sure they do but fake the weight readings when they tell ms fish

As we are doing a theme, as fish have tails does that mean they are great anecdotally at a dinner party?

[bigboab]

yes, everybody could have a whale of a time


are all fishermen taxed on their net profit?

[Gribley]

No, they don`t have to pay further tax on their nets (just the gross fish). Doesn`t matter how many fish they *cough* didn`t catch over the quota

If I have a bunch of holes and some string can I make my own net?

[bigboab]

no. it is a profession to connect them.(wonder how they store the holes?)

are car park attendants born or invented?

[Gribley]

I believe they re-spawn from those coin meters

If you used a spoon on an electron shell would you get any yolk?

[bigboab]

only if you use it as an eggsample of how to split the atom

if you fill in uniforms will you get a benchmark?

[Gribley]

I guess if you are fat enough and are in a race? (sorry I tried to work out the underlying reference but couldn`t)

What flavour are Jellyfish?

[bigboab]

the taste will send Chivers down your spine


who conceived jelly babies?

[Gribley]

That is too obvious, that would be Mrs Jelly Mum

If gravity stopped would everything stay in place unless you jumped?

[bigboab]

if gravity stopped people would be laughing at funerals

we have experienced four dry days in a row, why is there not a hosepipe ban?

[Gribley]

Because our policemen are busy catching people doing 31 in a 30 zone so don`t have time to enforce it. Just not the same money in hosepipes

I have an opposable thumb (two actually, I am blessed), does that mean I have to have an argument with it?

[bigboab]

police don't 'catch people' unless they arte doing more than 33 in a 30 zone. you are allowed a 10 percent variation on your speedometer.

I have two too (is that a wee skirt?) and I have not been blessed. you can suck one and do what you like with the other one :whistling

is it too late for me to enter for the Olympics?

[Gribley]

Winter one I have you booked in for the Ski Jump


Is jumping up and down better than down and up?


(Bob - know the UK speed limit rules far too well :()

[bigboab]

I hope it is the whiskey jump

I will answer that if you jump down first

if you damage a disc are you a record breaker?

[Gribley]

only if your breaks fail under hard manoeuvre and you hit the wall

Is the chocolate the same inside all the Olympian medals?

[bigboab]

no, silver and bronze contain laxative to make them run better

is it true that north Korean sprinters are for the high jump?

[Gribley]

They prefer to go underground and not pop up too high

As we know there is agent orange but did the yanks make other flavours?

[bigboab]

yes, harry lime (when the third man was released I did not go to watch it because I thought it was about cricket:cry:)

should Handel's water music be played in a swimming pool?

[Gribley]

Neither it is a copyright infringement from me when leaving my tap running that he re-recorded... bloody pirates

If negative feedback is good in a amplification circuit why is it so bad for political parties that want to be heard?

[bigboab]

it is because they are m p and not mp3

do Chinese women always look forward to an election?

[Gribley]

it is because they are m p and not mp3

do Chinese women always look forward to an election?
You have cultured me out on that one, I can`t think of any reference without playing the google game so well played sir (not that it was a competition as such)

I`ll just answer yes (please don`t say it was a play on erection)


Why do Salmon bother to swim upstream when John West's factory is just on the corner?

[bigboab]

because they are almost there they are already half canned

why are bank staff called tellers when they wont?

[Caballero]

Since FATCA they will.

If the plural of "mouse" is "mice", why is the plural of "house" not "hice"?

[bigboab]

because sailors claimed the hi ce

why do eiders not sink when they are covered in down?

[Gribley]

It is all to do with the volume of gas retention which makes them a viable flotation devices but not one I`d recommend unless a student (in which case sure it will float)

When a tree looses it leafs does it pay one months sap to them?

[bigboab]

no, because technically they are drop-outs

at what age are you supposed to change from belt to braces?

[Gribley]

Not an age specific, it is the time that socks with sandals is also a practical idea

Do snowboarders dress like multi-coloured twats so that skiers can avoid them like a traffic cone?

[bigboab]

you will have to excuse them. they suffer from snow blindness(if it is no blindness then they are just daft)


why is there no uphill skiing? (I used to prefer whizz kiing when I was younger)

[Gribley]

if it is like uphill gardening then that would be illegal in many states (but, I assume, laws have progressed a lot)


If words are mightier than the sword how comes we didn`t have king Wordsworth and instead have the Windsors?

[bigboab]

they have, in anagram style. the king 'in words'

when the poles (no, not them Poles) change will it still be up north, down south?

[Gribley]

Yes because we`ll run them through a diode bridge rectifier

Is Einstein still right with formula E=MC^2 if we turn the lights off?

[bigboab]

yes, if you can sit down before you switch it off and it still switches off.

how far have you got to travel to be twice as far away?

[Gribley]

If smoking a joint then probably just to the coffee table distance. There is a logical answer to that one which pains me to say so poo to that.

If light can travel really rather fast then how fast is dark?

[bigboab]

it is faster than light owing to the fact that it can retreat at the speed of light, though it is rather slow when night is falling.

why did astronauts not fall off the moon?

[Gribley]

Because the (astro)crosses have already blocked their route.


Can I buy time?

[bigboab]

yes but watch what you do with it, if someone clocks you will do time.

I think I have fairies at the far end of my garden. how do I chase them away?

[Gribley]

My understanding from watching "little kingdom" is that you need a gnome. I can`t be sure but that seems safe bet


is a switch on/off or a change of state?

[bigboab]

no you need to emigrate for that.

mountainous of flat country?

[Gribley]

no you need to emigrate for that.

mountainous of flat country?

As this is the silly question thread I am guessing you mean boob sizes :) I`m going with mountainous or at least a bit hilly

For the elders, remember "the incredible new shmoo"... was there an incredible old/middle aged shmoo?

[bigboab]

what's with the shmoo?

what is shmoo when it is at home?

[Gribley]

google it, classic old stuff at least in my warped memories :)

[bigboab]

what is google?:cry:

[Gribley]

I refuse to answer your google question until you accept the shmoo is real. You are allowed to claim it as just my twisted reality however

[bigboab]

I don't think Shmoo is real. it is a figment of your imagination. May I suggest an operation to have it removed or alternatively remove all 'literature' from under your bed.

Why do people think that comic characters are real?(Spiderman assured me that they are not real.)

[Gribley]

Shmoo has a cult and will kill anyone who says comic (or cartoon) characters are any less real than presidential candidates

Since I live in my own world I am therefore just channelling sensible thoughts. Let's get back to the game

Stud wall or solid? (shmoo optional)

[bigboab]

stud

wallpaper or paint?

[Gribley]

Paint

(I diverted from the silly question thread before so to get back on track)

If 'MacGyver' could make anything from a pen and some duck tap why wasn`t he in the A-team?

[bigboab]

he only got a D in woodwork

what happens if a cat does not use up its nine lives?

[Gribley]

The government takes them unless they were left in the will for the kittens

I have many icons on my desktop, does it make me religious?

[bigboab]

not if they represent a false Idol

what would you be if you worship every religion?

[Gribley]

just edging your bets


Why do we bother?

[bigboab]

in deed we do


why do cats look at us in disgust?

[shaina]

Because we can't lick our own balls clean :lol:

Why do golfers yell fore!! instead of lookout!!??

[Gribley]

Because threeeeee would be a crowd and you can`t have that on the course and lookouts are just for the open ocean.


Has anyone ever really checked if each snow flake is unique? (Sure that China have been pushing off knock-off flakes for years)

[bigboab]

they are made like Lego so that a snowman can be constructed by children

why cant skiers ski uphill?

[Gribley]

Because that is why you pay the £100/day for the lift pass (herringbone to the lift entrance should be refunded)

Does my mouse really need its own mat?

[bigboab]

it has to excrete somewhere

why is ironing always urgent or pressing?

[Gribley]

I couldn`t say because my Mum still does mine (when the wife and me are not on speaking terms)


When elements change state do they need approval?

[bigboab]

yes, after they have paid import taxes

why do old people keep falling asle...

[Gribley]

Because they have no eye and fall over trying to navigate the aisle??? (I don`t know your original word so trying to get some new context albeit slightly off)

As onions have many skins do they really need to stay underground out of the sun?

[bigboab]

the original word was asleep:whistling

only if they are buried skin deep

why do investors not complain when they have high returns?

[Gribley]

Because the shares are in helium balloons

Has Neo already been part of my dot matrix printer or did he wait for a Switch?

(well trinity, but that doesn`t work so well :))

[bigboab]

he is just there for comical effect.


what would you do if you saw a submarine coming down the mall? (an actual question to a guard at Buckingham Palace)

[Gribley]

Not panic, the sea to air missiles will take it out

Fans have blades so why don`t you need to be over 18 to buy one?



(@Bob using 'balloon-charges' but just didn`t seem to work. Other options were also there but crude)

[bigboab]

guardsman answer 'torpedo it, sir'. officer ,where would you get the bloody torpedo? guardsman ,same place you got the submarine, sir'.

because a minor needs a fan to draw air down/up the shaft in order to breathe.

do posh people get worried when their children go into a crèche?

[Gribley]

No, they have people to pay for worry about such things. Besides he/she will be in boarding school soon enough

Does a sink hole have a plug that someone forgot to put in?

[bigboab]

no it is the result of someone planting leeks

are cats claws and santa clause related?

[Gribley]

Don`t be silly we all know cats are not real


Why does Jamie Oliver insist on trying to wipe out the planets lemon supply with every recipe?

[bigboab]

he is trying to eliminate his bitter rivals


do suckers sell vacuums?

[shaina]

no, but it is a dirty business :drummer:

Why do they call speakers, "speakers", when you can't ask them a question?

172674

[bigboab]

they are speakers not listeners


what do you call a barrow with more than one wheel?

[Gribley]

what do you call a barrow with more than one wheel?

awkward at the Christmas party

Why do companies think that team building exercises are taken seriously by anyone outside a HR department?

[bigboab]

they are trying to paint a picture, preferably on your face with paintballs(a chance to bully the staff?)

why don't they put sport on the front page of the papers?

[Gribley]

A UK front page requires intentional approval or someone with much more money

If money is the the root of all evil does that mean Idol has a money plantation by now?

[bigboab]

now when I think of it, you cant plant anything in Canada except tomatoes

[shaina]

now when I think of it, you cant plant anything in Canada except tomatoes

Biggoab...We got a few pumpkin patches(still close to Halloween), and tax benefits for growing Christmas trees on your land too:lol:

The root of evil is not money, it is the neglect of human common sense;)

Why do you have the saying "never judge a book by its cover"?

[bigboab]

no offence meant Shay, the tomato growing region is the only place I have been in. travelling from Windsor to Buffalo.

because schoolchildren change the covers in the library for a prank

why do they burn an effigy of Guy Fawkes? (We all feel like burning down the houses of parliament)

[shaina]

Because people think two lefts will make a better right :whistling


No offense was taken my friend :)(never entered my mind, why i added the laughing emoji ) , next time you can travel a little out of your way and visit me if you come back to Ontario..And traveling towards Buffalo they actually have what i would call Ice-wine and Red/White wine territory (grapes and apples), and i think you told me you have traveled here, i forgot why you traveled Windsor(Detroit US Border) to Buffalo (other US Border), that i didn't get?

Why do they call them Republican and Democratic parties? Do they serve cake and ice-cream?

[bigboab]

its because some people act stupid at parties.

Shay- I was travelling back from Toledo to new York to catch my flight back home. After travelling from Toledo to Dallas to the Keys to Kentucky by car. Going through 20 states in the process. Includes one speeding ticket in Florida. :lol: This was over forty years ago.


what is the point of voting if three people wearing wigs can overturn 17 million voters? (it is a silly question:unsure:)

[Gribley]

The pretense of having an opinion keeps the masses happy

Why did they have to come up with a crap slogan i.e. "Brexit"?

[bigboab]

because half the people don't know what it means

what is this s lump everyone is talking about?

[Gribley]

I didn`t know my sex life was so public

Can a ripple effect be found in a Mr Whippy?




(may have gone a little too English on this one ;))

[bigboab]

depends what Mrs Whippy says.(handcuffs may be involved:lol:)


Are we only allowed a whiplash when the wife is driving?

[Gribley]

Believe a tounglash is a pre-requirement to any claim against a spouse, after that whips may be involved

How high up do you have to be to have a corner office in the Pentagon?

[bigboab]

it would be very difficult because all the occupants have their heads in the clouds

why is a vacuum cleaner not lighter than a gravity based item?

[Gribley]

It is all the dust and cat hairs it collects which has own mass

Shock statement of my day ".... than a gravity based item":D

Could you decorate a black hole to make it more pastel correct?

[bigboab]

is that not a racist comment? did you mean a star with overwhelming gravitational pull?

you would need a large ladder and a giant brush.

how would you get there?(in a white van?)

[DaveReg]

Glue candy on the rear doors and tell the kids to push.

Why are socks forbidden?

[Gribley]

Not sure they are unless your firewall rules differ or we substitute sock for fruit in some way. Very comfy but really not to be used with sandals at any time

Are hair plugins compatible with scalp 1.02?



...welcome Dave, nice to have new spins on the twisted minds that contribute here :)

[bigboab]

because you cant go around hitting people

if cheques are on the way out will you need to come back in to cash them?

[Gribley]

I beleive the Czechoslovakian people are just waiting, they`ll decide when best to return.

If you fart at the swimming pool does anyone notice the smell?

[saftone]

Did the Americans land on the moon or was it cold-war propaganda? If yes, then why hasn't it been colonized?

[Gribley]

Did the Americans land on the moon or was it cold-war propaganda? If yes, then why hasn't it been colonized?

You were supposed to answer my question beforehand. Besides we all know the moomins got there first



If fish like worms so much why don`t they live on the land instead?

[bigboab]

they would have to pay taxes which cost an arm and a leg. they could not pay that. :wacko:


why don't we see invalid carriages on a jewel carriageway(double row of perils)?

[Gribley]

You either need to look harder or you already viewed jewel carriageway V1.01a (the bug was corrected)


When I look through my Periscope where did Perry go?




....work with me on this one, you need to be a bit of a fan
172820

[bigboab]

on reflection he could not cope with you eyeing his bottom half

why do dogs always check if I am zipped up?

[Gribley]

I will assume there is a mighty sausage involved


If you have solar panels on your lighthouse are you self sufficient?

[bigboab]

no you cant be self sufficient when you are on the rocks

does the stock exchange swap gravy powder?

[Gribley]

oxo stocks are up until Trump bistos it (yes this is all very brand related and may not cross-pond well)


Do I displace water levels globally and cause a flood somewhere when I throw my message in-a-bottle into the sea? (should that message say "sorry" springs to mind)

[bigboab]

as long as the springs are in your mind and not causing more flooding


mind games can have adverse results

[Gribley]

That was a statement and not a question.... damn you wrong thread responses :D

Why do planets spin on their axis as I just see it as a cosmic waste of kinetic energy that could be used to power my fridge instead (and my gravity boots of course)

[bigboab]

if it spun the other way we would have very cold winters:wacko:

mathematics or English?

[Gribley]

Maths, universal language although clearly we invented it anyway (I`ll ignore all those Greeks)

Assuming as I do worm holes exist, is there a worm waiting inside to eat the cosmic traveller?

[bigboab]

I would not like to see the worm that makes a hole a space traveller could enter.

where would they bury a spaceman, would it depend on the gravity of the situation?

[Gribley]

Only if they were light weight

Can a question be its own answer?

[bigboab]

only if you can time travel

have you got to watch and clock up the hours when you time travel?

[Gribley]

Yes and you have to do it in blood if my expenses claims are anything to go by

Electricity flows as does water so why don`t they mix well?

[bigboab]

I think it has something to do with current flow(I know flo is not your name :blink:)


does a neighbourhood watch keep good time?

[Gribley]

It does keep excellent gossip/spy records

Why is gravity such a downer?

[bigboab]

I blame Newton, he did not realise the gravity of his discovery.

if it is ' all water under the bridge' why don't we see the stuff when there is a drought?

[Gribley]

Because there is no flow in a drought, the homeless have all all taken the 'stuff' to build a lean to.

Why grow grass in your garden that you can`t smoke?

[bigboab]

because the remainder of the garden is taken up with weed

why do fundamentalists not use clubs and spears?

[Gribley]

They stick to just pointy objects that require no construction of course.

How did Godzilla (cartoon) stand up in the ocean but always only to "his" ankles?

[bigboab]

because any more water would soak the comic and make it unreadable

do all watch wearers have time on their hands?

[DaveReg]

No, just those that wipe their butts with their cells phones.

Why do we own disgusting pets?

[Gribley]

Same reason you (may) have kids, they poop and want feeding it is a natural thing we need to break. Then society will fall and nothing would be left but idol.


If I have a 'hole in my shoe' does it keep letting in water even in the Sahara?








Old 'young ones' reference for those that remember Neil Neil orange peel....

[bigboab]

only if you have camel toes.

did you drop an 's' to end up in the Sahara at Xmas time?

[Gribley]

only if you have camel toes.

did you drop an 's' to end up in the Sahara at Xmas time?


Nice, would of done but it wasn`t that jolly, Santa was at the good childs house


If you poke a hole in time/space is it the same as cracking a C64 game in basic?

[bigboab]

basically, yes, unless you fall down sais hole into assembly

can blind people write in visual basic?

[Gribley]

Damn wrong thread

My gerbil can write in VB so I am saying even a microbe in my toilet bowl probably could


When one single cell organism meets a second and reproduce which ones chooses the colour scheme for the nursery?

[bigboab]

the prison warden

when switching from imperial to metric does the object being measured change in size?

[Gribley]

Yes but only with the thermodynamics during the two takings


Are all frogs pompous a-holes?*



*will make sense maybe to only English people.

[bigboab]

no! a-holes are fitted to a different animal altogether.

it is harder to get on the television today, is it because the televisions are too slim?

[Gribley]

No it is because most people don`t have enough pixels to make up a 4K image

How do you drop a hydrogen bomb, surely it floats?

[bigboab]

no, you have to blow it up first

are sink holes going to be a drain on resources?

[Gribley]

They are offset with mountain peaks

If a pen is mightier that a sword why didn`t BIC take over the world?

[bigboab]

you draw your own conclusion(with a BIC):huh:

why has the 'A' factor not been shown on telly?

[Gribley]

Because no one could find them in the Los Angeles underground

Why does no one ever go to the toilet in films and/or tv shows (one episode of Babylon5 the exception from memory)?

[bigboab]

they are frightened the director says 'cut' while they are peeing.:cry:

why don't we change the clocks to 'summertime' in December to save gritting the roads?

[Gribley]

Because we all like to (pretend) grind to a halt and not be able to make it into work due to snow flake on the line

When you depress a spring is it unhappy?

[bigboab]

no it will bounce back with daffodils

what is the point of jumping on a trampoline?

[Gribley]

To cause the maximum risk of injury.

How can bikes have an "inner" tube when there is no outer tube?

[bigboab]

outer tube is on strike (they had one when I was young, averaged a puncture every 20 miles:cry:)

can a monocycle be heard from both sides?

[megabyteme]

Only the side you are standing on.

When you wish upon a star, how many years does it take your wish to reach the star?

[bigboab]

we wish for the sun here. considering we are talking minutes away there appears to be no point in wishing.


if you wear spectacles can other people see you more clearly?

[megabyteme]

Obviously not, as I wear the kind with the fake nose and eyebrows...

Since it's made from the same stuff as rainbows, why doesn't snow come in multiple colors?

[bigboab]

they cant make up their mind which colour to go for, too flaky?

when the poles change what will they call South Dakota?

[Gribley]

Polish people don`t know it so will still be that bit in America

Why did they only invent a screw top, flow is so much faster with a screw bottom.

[bigboab]

they have, we just turn them upside down to open :wacko:

why do the people who stuff Teddy bears not face criminal charges?

[Gribley]

Because they were just hungry, that is not a crime (in many countries)


Why do elevators go down?

[bigboab]

to try and make them a misnomer

are all referees informers because they keep whistle blowing?

[Gribley]

No they all suck and don`t blow but keep it quiet*


Why don`t dolphins and whales evolve legs and get out of all the flushed out waste we and other air breathers dump on `em in the sea?



* I base this on never owning a whistle but assume sucking action would also work????

[shaina]

I guess the same reason why we can't breath under water:unsure:

Why is the term "Hamper" used for a laundry basket??

[bigboab]

because people make a pigs mess of their clothing

do people who turn their noses up drown in heavy rain?

[Gribley]

Fairly sure their high brow acts as a guttering system

Is a hole a vacant area of space within "stuff" or a just space with stuff around it?

[bigboab]

a hole requires stuff around it, otherwise you would not be able to take it anywhere

is a lava lamp made out of volcanic material?

[Gribley]

No they make `em on Romulus

If you could warp space for FTL travel would you make it a funny shape just for giggles?

[bigboab]

i would warp it enough to produce fits if giggles


if it was possible to travel in time could you arrive before you took off?

[Gribley]

Only if you warp around the sun (and/or other large gravitational body, I`ll not exclude those lesser pulls) and also bring back a whale to save the earth.

Do dead pixels on our monitors go to heaven or hell?

[shaina]

You need a practicing Atheist to answer that question correctly

Does rubber and eraser mean the same thing North America?

[bigboab]

only if you want a total wipeout

is water butt a misnomer

[Gribley]

Only if I parted it


Why don`t all bulbs light up?

[bigboab]

if they don't light up they grow up

if we land on mars will it melt the chocolate?

[Gribley]

It will burn some calories but mars will still be fat

If I get caught in reverse through a speed camera do I get a refund?

[bigboab]

if everything is in reverse the camera has not arrived yet


what have you done wrong when you get a cardiac arrest?

[dion09529]

you put your chest under a caterpillar track.

Why do feet stink?

[bigboab]

because you are not tall enough

why do some people scratch their heads when thinking?

[dion09529]

because you are not tall enough




wrong!

because they are stuck in the ass.

[bigboab]

because you are not tall enough




wrong!

because they are stuck in the ass.

answers in this section cant be wrong. some of them are meant to be silly. when I said you are not tall enough I meant your nose is not far enough away from your feet. perhaps the next time your nursery class finishes early may I suggest you look back through some of the previous answers.:)

Why do I have to?

[Gribley]

You really don`t but it makes me smile... oh the scratch thing, because it is a group collective response between host and the lice.... the lice know best so need consultation.

When H.R. dept tells you 'you`ve gone above and beyond' does that mean you are now lost in space and hence sacked without a pension?

[bigboab]

the scratch thing. I was taught at an early age to rub salt on the parasitical area. apparently when they lift their wee hands to rub their eyes, they fall off.:rolleyes:

you have confused the penthouse with the paint house. you might not be able to draw your pension you will, however, be able to paint it.:cry:


why do we all reach the belt and braces age? its not as if I/we have anything to hide anymore.

[Gribley]

There is no age you have to reach :( We aspire to get to the point where our trousers are too short and need holding up to show our socks.


Why do we conference call when there is nothing to discuss?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DYu_bGbZiiQ

[bigboab]

they just want to pear everybody up.

why is a house called a building and not an erection?

[Gribley]

Call it either, I usually go with home

As Mercury rises with heat why is it still so close to the Sun?

[bigboab]

because the sun is cheaper than most other papers.

does a hose pipe ban sound anything like a bagpipe ban?

[Gribley]

if everyone had sense we`d drown all the bagpipes in a reservoir and then ban hose pipes so they stay buried


Can I coin a phrase if I only have notes on me?

[bigboab]

depends what is written on the notes


what do the Trump children call a fart?

[Gribley]

Yes that is just too easy.... Dad.... but you knew that was coming

Do logic gates have locks?

[bigboab]

yes, because not many people use them

do Robins know they have an orange breast as opposed to a red breast?

[Gribley]

They are usually reliant on yellow. (only works if you are English and watched 'Only fools and horses' and a few other bits)


If my memory lost a bit would I crash or just need a stable 5V boost?

[bigboab]

if your memory lost a bit you could recover it if you know the drill (p.s. how would you know you had lost it:unsure:)


if your roof leaks should you slate the builder?

[Gribley]

Not sure as I like leaks, just big long onions and good in a stir-fry.

Why do we have post-it notes when you don`t send them?

[bigboab]

it is just an excuse to fire the messenger

do paperboys go all soggy when it rains?

[Gribley]

No they are not yet of age, but the papergirls do get moist (yeah bit pedo but it did seem just on the line as funny)


If I pull my socks up to my calfs does that mean I will succeed?

[bigboab]

no! the only thing that succeeds is a budgie without teeth


if you fall in the street can Thomas Cook charge you for the trip?

[Gribley]

If they own the pavement and you are economy then I would suggest yes. Anyway it was probably more fun than you would of had with the kids in Spain anyway so except the costs and claim via some scam site shite that appears in every UK advert

When I climb higher does my weight change?

[bigboab]

if you are moving away from the scales, yes

why does you clothes not shrink when you get older?

[Gribley]

I suspect it is a cunning design so that we get more sun exposure around the ankle area and mid-rift to boost Vitamin D. Another government conspiracy to save on NHS costs.

Has anyone ever caught a fly when fly fishing?