imnotanaddict
01-12-2004, 01:57 AM
The Glass Eye:
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down,
but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
> >
> > Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
towards the man.
> >
> > He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
> >
> > "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in
place.
> >
> > "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
> >
> > They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest
dreams and he shares his. She listens.
> >
> > After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to
her place for a nightcap ......... and stay for breakfast.
> >
> > They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
> >
> > The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
> >
> > The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!!
> >
> > "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
every guy you meet?"
> >
> > "No," she replies.
> >
> >
> >
> > "You just happened to catch my eye."
____________________________________________________________________
Generation Gap:
The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date
with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother
just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern
times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the
grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants
to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends
coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show
off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
____________________________________________________________________
Warning to Women:
I hate those hoax e-mail warnings, but this one is important.
IF A MAN COMES TO YOUR FRONT DOOR AND SAYS HE IS CONDUCTING A SURVEY AND
ASKS YOU TO SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS, DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS. THIS IS A SCAM.
HE ONLY WANTS TO SEE YOUR BOOBS.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.
Signed,
The Blonde
____________________________________________________________________
The Lecture:
A cop notices a man walking down the sidewalk in a very drunken
manner. He pulls over to the curb and asks the fellow where did he
think he was going in his condition at 3:00 AM in the morning. The
man said that he was going to a lecture. The cop said, who in the
world gives a lecture at 3:00 AM in the morning. The man said,
"my wife."
____________________________________________________________________
The Old Preacher:
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his
IRS agent and his lawyer, both church members, to come
to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up
to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher
held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on
each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their
hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the
ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the
IRS agent and the attorney were touched and flattered
that the old preacher would ask them to be with him
during his final moment. They were also puzzled
because the preacher had never given any indication
that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask
the two of us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said
weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's the way I want to go
____________________________________________________________________
The Wreck:
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
>
>After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
>
>There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
>
>Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
>
>"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "and look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
>
>Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
>
>The woman replies," No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
____________________________________________________________________
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down,
but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
> >
> > Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
towards the man.
> >
> > He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
> >
> > "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in
place.
> >
> > "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
> >
> > They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest
dreams and he shares his. She listens.
> >
> > After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to
her place for a nightcap ......... and stay for breakfast.
> >
> > They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
> >
> > The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
> >
> > The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!!
> >
> > "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
every guy you meet?"
> >
> > "No," she replies.
> >
> >
> >
> > "You just happened to catch my eye."
____________________________________________________________________
Generation Gap:
The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date
with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother
just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern
times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the
grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants
to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends
coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show
off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
____________________________________________________________________
Warning to Women:
I hate those hoax e-mail warnings, but this one is important.
IF A MAN COMES TO YOUR FRONT DOOR AND SAYS HE IS CONDUCTING A SURVEY AND
ASKS YOU TO SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS, DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS. THIS IS A SCAM.
HE ONLY WANTS TO SEE YOUR BOOBS.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.
Signed,
The Blonde
____________________________________________________________________
The Lecture:
A cop notices a man walking down the sidewalk in a very drunken
manner. He pulls over to the curb and asks the fellow where did he
think he was going in his condition at 3:00 AM in the morning. The
man said that he was going to a lecture. The cop said, who in the
world gives a lecture at 3:00 AM in the morning. The man said,
"my wife."
____________________________________________________________________
The Old Preacher:
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his
IRS agent and his lawyer, both church members, to come
to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up
to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher
held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on
each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their
hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the
ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the
IRS agent and the attorney were touched and flattered
that the old preacher would ask them to be with him
during his final moment. They were also puzzled
because the preacher had never given any indication
that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask
the two of us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said
weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's the way I want to go
____________________________________________________________________
The Wreck:
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
>
>After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
>
>There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
>
>Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
>
>"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "and look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
>
>Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
>
>The woman replies," No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
____________________________________________________________________