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baccyman
03-04-2003, 04:52 PM
An 83-year-old man went to the doctor for a physical. The doctor pronounced him in fine shape but the old man asked to have a sperm count done.
"I don't think that's necessary," said the doctor, but the old man insisted so the doctor gave him an empty bottle and instructed him to fill it up and bring it back the following day.

The next day the old man returns with an empty bottle. "What happened?" asked the doctor. "Well," the old man said, "I tried with my right hand, I tried with my left hand, my wife tried with her right hand, she tried with her left hand, she tried with her teeth in, she tried with her teeth out..."

"We never could get the damn lid off the bottle!"

baccyman
03-25-2003, 12:05 AM
A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot.

The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!"

The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?"

The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!"

The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?"

"Because the shit is running down my back!"

baccyman
03-25-2003, 12:09 AM
YOU MAY BE A REDNECK IF...

Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.

You convince your wife that an overnight, out-of-state trip for equipment parts is a vacation.

You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.

You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.

You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.

You have used baling wire to attach a license plate.

You have used a chain saw to remodel your house.

You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.

You have fibbed to a mechanic about how often you greased a piece of equipment.

You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.

You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.

You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.

You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.

You have used a tractor front-end loader as scaffolding for roof repairs.

You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.

baccyman
03-25-2003, 12:26 AM
A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen."

baccyman
03-25-2003, 12:31 AM
A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.

The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"

She said that she did.

He asked, "Does it hurt you?"

She said no.

The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

baccyman
03-26-2003, 07:47 PM
Perfume

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like
expensive perfume. She turns to the old Italian woman on the elevator
with her and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also
smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old Italian
woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination
and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves she looks both beautiful
women in the eyes, turns, bends over, and farts. "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

baccyman
03-26-2003, 07:52 PM
Pregnant

A seventeen-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her that she
has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy
kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did
this to you? I want to know!!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a
brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished man,
with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps
out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the
father, the mother and the girl, and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation,
but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores,
2 townhouses, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories,
and a $1,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $500,000
each. However, if there is a miscarriage..."

At this point, the father, who had remained silent all this time,
places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him:
"You'll screw her again!!!"

baccyman
03-28-2003, 06:32 PM
Fish Market

One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit.
He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.

Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!"

baccyman
03-28-2003, 06:34 PM
"Honey, I Can't Perform!"

A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance! Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance. Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal."
"A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance?"

"No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes."

baccyman
03-28-2003, 06:42 PM
Molested

A senior citizen's group chartered a bus from Brooklyn to
Atlantic City. As they entered New Jersey, an elderly woman came
up to the driver and said "I've been molested!"

The driver thought she was just being delusional, and told her to
go sit back down.

10 minutes later, another old woman came forward and claimed
SHE'D been molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of
wackos - who'd molest them?

10 minutes later, a third came up and said she'd been molested
too. The driver decided he'd had enough, and pulled into the rest
stop. When he stood up, he saw an old man on his hands and knees
in the aisle.

"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?"

"I lost my toupee. Three times I thought I found it, but when I
grabbed it, it ran away..."

baccyman
03-28-2003, 06:50 PM
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terribly, doctor, terribly."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

baccyman
03-28-2003, 06:54 PM
who is god

A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"

"Both son. God is both."

After a while the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"

"Both son, both."

The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"

Reemus
03-29-2003, 11:15 PM
nice set of jokes there dude

baccyman
04-03-2003, 10:55 AM
thanks Reemus . i ll post some more as i get them

baccyman
04-03-2003, 03:26 PM
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

baccyman
04-03-2003, 03:51 PM
Two rats lived in a sewer. One day, one said to the other, "I'm
bloody sick of this life, you know. All we ever do is eat shit;
shit for breakfast, shit for dinner, shit for tea... I've had
enough of it!"

His mate said, "Oh, cheer up, you miserable git! Let's have a
night out on the piss!"

baccyman
04-03-2003, 03:52 PM
An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about
their sons...

"My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we
obviously decided to call him George."

"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St
Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."

"That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman. "Exactly
the same thing happened with my son Pancake."

baccyman
04-03-2003, 03:54 PM
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?" "No" her mother replied. "Well, I
think I'm gonna be sick, Momma!" "Then go out the front door and around
to the back of the church and then behind a bush." After about 60 seconds
the little girl returned to her seat. "Were you sick?" her mom asked.
"Yes." "How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and
returned so quickly?" "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They
have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'."

baccyman
04-03-2003, 03:57 PM
A girl goes to her mother and says: "Mum, I think I'm pregnant"

The mother says: "But didn't I tell you to take the necessary
measures?"

The daughter replies: "But thats just what I did, I measured them
all and then went with the biggest..."

baccyman
04-03-2003, 03:58 PM
After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for
orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When
you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are
mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say
about you?"

The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear
them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and
a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a
wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge
difference in the children of tomorrow."

The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess
I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

baccyman
04-10-2003, 07:37 PM
There was this lady who was sexually frustrated and had tried to get her husband sexually stimulated but nothing seemed to work. She tried sexy lingerie, toys etc etc but had no luck. So one day she asked her friend what she should do... "It's really annoying me now! He's just not up for it. He's always out down the pub with the lads. What can I do?" Her friend suggested, "Well, if he's always out with the lads why don't you give him an extra tenner so he enjoys himself even more and then he'll come home and thank you appropriately..." So the woman tried this and this is what happened on his return:
Man: Take Your clothes off!
Woman thinks: Whoa! This is working!
Man: Stand on your head!
Woman: Ooohh Kinky!!!
Man: Spread your legs apart!
Woman thinks: This has really worked, give it to me!
The man then gets a small mirror and places it inbetween her legs. Woman thinks: This is a new one!
Man says: You know... the lads were right, I would look good with a beard!

baccyman
04-10-2003, 07:39 PM
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on." The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers." He replies, "And don't forget that, I will always wear the pants in the family!" The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies, "I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

baccyman
04-10-2003, 07:40 PM
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears and took pity on her. "Look, you've got a lot to live for." he said. "I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained, "He's taking me to America, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," said the Captain. "This is the Dover-Calais ferry."

baccyman
04-10-2003, 07:43 PM
There was a father who was very proud of his three daughters. Every night he took a stroll around the house to make sure everything was all right. One night when he was doing his stroll, he could hear laughter coming from his youngest daughter's room. He stood there for a while and thought about this, but reached the conclusion that he could always ask her tomorrow, instead of bothering her at this time of the night. When he reached the window of his second daughter, he could hear her crying. He thought about this too, but ultimately he decided to ask her tomorrow and continued. There were no sounds at all coming from his oldest daughter's room, and he then went to bed, satisfied. The next day, when they all were gathered around the breakfast table, he said to his youngest daughter "I heard you laughing last night, as I walked past your window. Why was that?"
She answered "That's because you taught me to laugh when someone was making me happy..."
He then asked his second daughter "I heard you crying last night, why was that?"
She answered "That's because you taught me to cry when someone was making me hurt..."
He then told his oldest daughter "I didn't hear anything from you..."
She said "That's because you taught me not to talk with my mouth full..."

baccyman
04-12-2003, 03:26 PM
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony, beaming at the thousands of people in the courtyard below. The Queen said to the Pope out of the side of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."
The Pope replied, "No way! You can't do that." The Queen said, "Watch this!" So, the Queen waved her hand and every English person in the crowd went crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering like mad. The Pope was standing there thinking, "Oh no, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it." He thought to himself for a minute, and then turned to her and said, "I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild. Not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head." The Queen replied, "No way, it can't be done." So, the Pope head-butted her.

baccyman
04-12-2003, 03:28 PM
Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie. The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "FOOM" the oceans were teaming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "POOF" there was a huge wall around England. The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out." The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water."

baccyman
04-12-2003, 03:30 PM
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

baccyman
04-12-2003, 03:31 PM
Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom. On the way back to bed, he passed his parents room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his dad, "Hey Dad, what are you doing?" The dad answered, "Playing Cards". Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?" The dad answered, " Your mom".
Little Johnny then passed by his older sister's room. Again, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his sister, "Hey Sis, what are you doing?" The sister answered, "Playing Cards." Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?" She answered, "My boyfriend."
A little later, the Dad got up and went to the bathroom. As he passed Little Johnny's room, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his son, "what are you doing?" Little Johnny answered, "Playing Cards." The Dad asked, "Really? Whose your partner?" Little Johnny answered, "You don't need a partner if you have a good hand!"

Z
04-12-2003, 09:19 PM
Originally posted by baccy_man@28 March 2003 - 13:54
who is god

A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"

"Both son. God is both."

After a while the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"

"Both son, both."

The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"
this one is good! :lol:

baccyman
04-13-2003, 03:08 PM
What do you call a blonde with a whole brain?
A Golden Retriever.

baccyman
04-13-2003, 03:08 PM
What do you call it when a blonde dyes their hair brunette?
Artificial intelligence.

baccyman
04-13-2003, 03:10 PM
It Hurts!



A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.


"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."


She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.


The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"


She says, "No, I'm really a blonde".


"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."

baccyman
04-13-2003, 03:12 PM
Oh Stewardess!!



An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess.

The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing.

He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

baccyman
04-13-2003, 03:17 PM
A rich young man goes out and buys the best car available, a Ferrari 328. It is one of the fastest and most expensive cars in the world. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops at a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A Ferrari 328. It cost £100,000."

That's a lot of money," replies the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 180 miles an hour!" states the young man proudly.

The moped rider asks, "Can I take a look inside?"

"Of course," replies the owner.

So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 10 seconds the speedometer reads 120 MPH. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror that seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whizzes past, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh- BLAMMM! It plows into the back of his car. The young man jumps out. It is the old man!!! The old man is badly hurt and the moped looks like it's had it.

He runs up to the old man and says, "Oh no, you're really badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man groans and replies, "Yes. Unhook my braces from your side view mirror."

baccyman
04-13-2003, 03:20 PM
Expensive picture
A man was paying his lawyer a visit. The lawyer said, "I have bad news and worse news for you."
The man said, "Give me the bad news first."

"Your wife has got hold of a picture worth half a million pounds!"

"That's the bad news? What could be worse than that?" asked the man.

"Well, it's a picture of you and your secretary and now she wants a divorce."

baccyman
04-14-2003, 04:36 PM
There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking: 'The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.' And the Irishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English bastard again.

baccyman
04-14-2003, 04:38 PM
Of course you've heard about the Viagra computer virus, it turns your 3 1/2 inch floppy into a hard disk.

baccyman
04-14-2003, 04:42 PM
The 25th Anniversary

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband,

"When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

baccyman
04-14-2003, 04:44 PM
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf".

The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.

"My, what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf".

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.

"My, what big teeth you have, Mr. Wolf".

With that the wolf jumps up and screams,

"Will you f**k off?! I'm trying to have a sh*t!

baccyman
04-27-2003, 02:28 PM
The guy had taken his girl out wining and dining; coming home in the car he stops in a lay-by and gets stuck in snogging and feeling between her legs.
''Stop it,'' she says, ''I want to remain a virgin until I marry.''

''Then how about a blow-job?''

''Ugh, I'm not putting that big thing in my mouth.''

''Then how about a hand job?

''Ok. How do I do that?''

''Remember,'' says the guy. ''When you had a Coke bottle and you shook it and sprayed your friends?''

''Oh, yeah.''

''It's the same, but much gentler.''

Later the guy is foaming at the mouth, farts, gets red in the face and screams.

''What's wrong?'' The girl asks.

''TAKE YOUR FUCKING THUMB OFF THE TOP!''

baccyman
04-27-2003, 02:29 PM
There is a naked woman in the shower, she hears a knock at the door

"Who is it?"

"Blind man" is the reply

"OK, come on in then"

"Nice boobs, where do you want your blinds"

baccyman
04-27-2003, 02:31 PM
Cum on the Elevator floor
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead enter an elevator. As they walk in they notice a small puddle of white liquid on the floor. The brunette bends down for a closer look, and states "It looks like cum." The redhead stoops down a little closer, takes a deep breath through her nose, and proclaims, "Yes, and it smells like cum." The blonde stoops down, closer still, puts the tip of her finger into the puddle, touches it to her tounge and exclaims, "Well, its nobody from our building." !!!

Proper Bo
04-27-2003, 05:06 PM
Originally posted by baccy_man@14 April 2003 - 16:44
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

................
......................
..
"My, what big teeth you have, Mr. Wolf".

With that the wolf jumps up and screams,

"Will you f**k off?! I'm trying to have a sh*t!
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
DAMN funny stuff!

amphoteric88
04-27-2003, 06:42 PM
there's a jelly bean sitting in a cafe when his old friend the M&M comes in. the M&M says he's going out to the pub that night and asks the jelly bean if he wants to go. the jelly bean says "I want to go out with you tonight, but i'm scared. everyone knows i've got a soft centre, and people pick on me and beat me up". the M&M, being a good friend, says "don't worry about that. i'm a hard man, if you're out with me, nothing is gonna happen to you". so, the jelly bean says "ok, that'd be great then. thanks for looking after me".
so they go out that night and the jelly bean and M&M are sitting in the bar, when two lockets walk in. the M&M immediately ducks under the table and the lockets come over and kick the crap out of the jelly bean.
afterwards, in the hospital, the jelly bean asks the M&M why he didn't stand up for him. the M&M says "i'm really sorry, but did you see those lockets. they were menthol!"

amphoteric88
04-27-2003, 06:43 PM
edit: posted twice. sorry

amphoteric88
04-27-2003, 06:44 PM
there's a jelly bean sitting in a cafe when his old friend the M&M comes in. the M&M says he's going out to the pub that night and asks the jelly bean if he wants to go. the jelly bean says "I want to go out with you tonight, but i'm scared. everyone knows i've got a soft centre, and people pick on me and beat me up". the M&M, being a good friend, says "don't worry about that. i'm a hard man, if you're out with me, nothing is gonna happen to you". so, the jelly bean says "ok, that'd be great then. thanks for looking after me".
so they go out that night and the jelly bean and M&M are sitting in the bar, when two lockets walk in. the M&M immediately ducks under the table and the lockets come over and kick the crap out of the jelly bean.
afterwards, in the hospital, the jelly bean asks the M&M why he didn't stand up for him. the M&M says "i'm really sorry, but did you see those lockets. they were menthol!"

baccyman
04-28-2003, 05:49 PM
Blonde
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What does a blond and the Bermuda Triangle have in common?

They've both swallowed a lot of seamen.

baccyman
04-28-2003, 05:50 PM
Clock Shop
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A man enters a clock shop and takes out his manhood and puts it on the counter. The lady assistant says to him "Sir this is a clock shop not a cock shop."


He replies "Put two hands and a face on it then."

baccyman
04-28-2003, 05:53 PM
Free Watch
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Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy when he noticed
the brand new shiney watch Jimmy was wearing.

"Did you get that for your birthday?" he asked.

"Nope," Jimmy replied.

"Well did you get it for Christmas then?" Johnny asked.

"Nope."

"You didn't steal it did you?"

"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mum and Dad's bedroom the other night
when they were on the job. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me."

Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of
Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night he waited
outside his parents room until he heard the unmistakeable noises of
lovemaking.

Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His
father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked him angrily;
"What do you want now?"

"I wanna watch," Johnny replied.

"Well stand in the corner and keep quiet then," said his father
returning to the job at hand.

baccyman
04-28-2003, 05:55 PM
Going On Up To Heaven
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A young woman was teaching Sunday school to a group of very young children, one day she asked the class a question. She said "Class who can tell, when you die what is the 1st part of you to get to Heaven?"

The young children sat silently thinking, then finally little Jimmy in the front of the class raised his hand. The teacher said "Okay Jimmy what do think is the 1st part of you that gets to Heaven?" Jimmy said "The top of your head, because when your standing up it's the closest thing to Heaven." The teacher then said "Well that's not quite what I'm looking for does anybody else have any ideas?"

So little Mary raised her hand and said, "I know the answer it's your heart." The teacher said "Your heart, why do say that?" Mary said, "Cause that's where all the goodness and stuff is and when you die it gets there 1st." The teacher smiled and said, "That's real nice, but it's not quite what I'm looking for, anyone else?"

Just then little Hank the class troublemaker raised his hand. The teacher said to herself, "Oh great Hank!" She said, "Okay Hank what do you think the answer is." Hank then said all confident like he knows exactly what he's talking about "The soles of your feet!" The teacher said, "The soles of your feet?!, Why do say that?!" So Hank says, "Well the other day I went up stairs and my mother was lying on her bed with her feet up in the air saying, "Oh my god I'm coming"…, and if it wasn't for the mailman holding her down I think she would have went."

baccyman
04-28-2003, 05:58 PM
Wendy
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This guy wanted to do something special for his girlfriend Wendy, so he went out and got her name tattooed on his penis. It said Wendy when erect, and Wny when limp. Well, Wendy was thrilled, so thrilled she felt she had to do something special for him too. So she booked tickets for a trip to a nudist resort in Jamaica.

When they arrived, they went to the nude beach and the boyfriend went to order some drinks. While he was being served he realized the bartender had WNY on his penis too! So of course he said, " Wow! i guess your girlfriend is called Wendy too!"

The bartender replied, "No, my penis says 'WELCOME TO JAMAICA MAN, ENJOY YOUR STAY'"

baccyman
04-28-2003, 06:04 PM
Stand In Priest
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One day as confessions were on in church the priest comes out of the confession box and asks the young man sweeping the floor to act as a priest for a minutes as he really needs to relieve himself. The priest tells him there is a chart of penance on the wall inside, so the young man agrees.

The first person enters to confess and says "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I stole some food from the supermarket." "You will be forgiven",replies the young man. He looks at the chart and says "10 Hail Mary's for your sins."

The second person enters to confess and says "Forgive me father. I lied to my mother yesterday" The young man looks for lying on the chart and says "You will be forgiven. Say 20 Hail Mary's for your sins."

The third person then enters and says "Forgive me father for I have sinned. The postman called in last week and I gave him a blowjob." The young man looks at the chart but doesn't see blowjob on it. He opens the door and calls over one of the alter boys. "What does the priest give for blowjobs?" he asks. The young boy replies "A can of coke and a mars bar"

baccyman
04-28-2003, 06:08 PM
Fart Match
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An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man lets out a loud fart and says "one-nil."

His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"

The old man says, "A goal. I'm ahead one-nil."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Goal! One all." The old boy farts again. "Goal! I'm ahead 2-1."

Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says, "Goal! 2 all."

The old man tries to fart again, but cannot. Trying desperately not be out done by his wife, he gives it everything he has to get out just one more fart. He strains a little too hard and shits in the bed. The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides!"

baccyman
05-01-2003, 11:32 AM
The Story of My Life ...

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatens suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

baccyman
05-03-2003, 02:51 PM
Three businessmen were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were: The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge big enough to Keep it in." The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!" The third, a blonde male, nods sagely and agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every
branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every time I think of it," he chuckles. "My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. "She doesn't even have a penis!"

baccyman
05-03-2003, 02:53 PM
A woman walks into a bar and orders a drink. A few minutes later, a man walks in and sits down beside her. He notices that she's a little depressed and asks her what's wrong.

"My boyfriend dumped me because he thought I was too kinky."

"Wow! What a coincidence! My girlfriend dumped me because she thought I was too kinky," he replies.

So they start talking, and find that they have a lot in common. After a few more drinks, they start feeling a little frisky and he decides to go home with her. Once they walk into her house, she excuses herself to go ''slip into something a little more comfortable." She dresses up in her leather mask, rubber bra with the nipples cut out, thigh high leather boots, everything. She grabs her whip and walks back into the living room and sees him putting his coat back on, getting ready to leave.

"Hey, where are you going? I thought we were going to get kinky!"

The man looks at her all confused and says, "I all ready fucked your dog and shat in your purse -- what more do you want?"

baccyman
05-03-2003, 02:55 PM
At a White House press conference today, Tipper Gore announced that she is going onto the Presidential Campaign Trail with her husband, Vice President Al Gore.

"To prepare myself," she said, "I have shaved off all my pubic hair. From now until the election, I shall sit on the stage with the Vice President, and will have my legs apart without wearing any panties."

"What is the message?" gasped astonished reporters at the news of this rather startling announcement.

"Read my lips: No more Bush."

baccyman
05-05-2003, 07:07 PM
A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note to the man. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1 million in liquid assets, and 7 inches in your pants."

Well, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know -- I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have well over $2 million in assets, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 2 inches! Send the bottle back."

baccyman
05-05-2003, 07:10 PM
Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter.
"What kind of attitude is that?" David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."

Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God.

Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. Suddenly a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a table. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.

Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77.

A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Paul lost. The winning number was 707.

baccyman
05-05-2003, 07:11 PM
There was this little boy with no arms. He wanted to ring the church bell on Sundays so he went to talk to the preacher. The preacher didn't know how he was going to do it, but he figured he would give him a shot. When they got to the top tower, the kid runs face first into the bell, no sound.
After a few moments, the kid gets up and begs the preacher for another try. The preacher tells him to do it, so the kid runs his head into the bell again, then falls out like the time before.

When he gets up he again asks the preacher for another try. The preacher just nodes his head so the kid again runs his head into the bell and falls out again.

By this time the bell was swinging away. When the kid stood up, the bell hit him in the face and knocked him out the window. He fell to the ground and died. When the police came, they asked the preacher if he knew the kids name. The preacher said," No. But his face sure rings a bell."

baccyman
05-05-2003, 07:13 PM
This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"
"What? You're crazy!" she said.

"Look, don't worry," he said. "It will be quick, I promise you."

"Nooooooo! Someone may see us, a neighbor, anybody..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up. Come on, sweetie, I really need it."

"I've already said NO, and NO is final!"

"Honey, it'll just be a really small blowie... I know you like it too."

"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

Desperately, he says, "My love, don't be like that. I promise you I love you and I really need this blowjob."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown and her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes she says: "Dad says, 'Dammit, give him the blowjob or I'll have to blow him but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom button so the rest of the family can get some sleep.'"

baccyman
05-05-2003, 07:15 PM
This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"
"What? You're crazy!" she said.

"Look, don't worry," he said. "It will be quick, I promise you."

"Nooooooo! Someone may see us, a neighbor, anybody..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up. Come on, sweetie, I really need it."

"I've already said NO, and NO is final!"

"Honey, it'll just be a really small blowie... I know you like it too."

"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

Desperately, he says, "My love, don't be like that. I promise you I love you and I really need this blowjob."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown and her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes she says: "Dad says, 'Dammit, give him the blowjob or I'll have to blow him but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom button so the rest of the family can get some sleep.'"

baccyman
05-05-2003, 07:18 PM
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm
lookin' fer the meanest, roughest, toughest whore in the Yukon!" he
growled to the bartender.
"Well, we got her!" barked the barkeep. "She's upstairs ...second room
on the right."
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and
two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open
the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest,
roughest, toughest whore in the Yukon!"
The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "Well, you
found her!" She then stripped naked, bent over and grabbed both ankles.
"How'd ya know I like to do it in that position?" asked the miner.
"I didn't," replied the whore, "but I thought ya might like to open them beers before we get started."

baccyman
05-05-2003, 07:19 PM
A lesbian goes to see her GP for her annual check up. The GP does and internal and says, " My, you're looking pretty clean these days "
The lesbian replies,
" I should be, I have a woman in three times a week! "

baccyman
05-13-2003, 12:54 PM
this made me laugh it had to be in the states
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2003/05/08/...ain552978.shtml (http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2003/05/08/eveningnews/main552978.shtml)

baccyman
07-03-2003, 02:56 PM
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole