a bit of a laugh pt 2 [Archive]

baccyman

11-21-2004, 11:57 AM

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
---Marcus Brigstocke

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Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explained. "And today is the happiest day in her life." The child thought about this for a moment.

"So why is the groom wearing black?"

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A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of this house and the man who answers it says, "Well, you two are awfully cute. Who are you supposed to be?" "We're Jack and Jill" she replied. The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!" So, they go off and a while later they come back dressed differently. They ring the doorbell and once again and the man opens the door. "Well now, that is just darn cute. Who are you this time?" "We're Hansel and Gretel" says the little boy. "Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be Hansel and Gretel because you're black!" Heads hung low, they leave. Not too much later the man hears the bell ring again. This time when he opens the door there stand the two children but this time they are BUCK NAKED. "Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?!" he asks. "We're M & M's, " said the little girl. "I'm plain. He's got nuts.

baccyman

11-21-2004, 08:27 PM

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v229/baccyman/funnypic.jpg

thecreator89

11-21-2004, 08:48 PM

haha

cpt_azad

11-22-2004, 12:05 AM

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explained. "And today is the happiest day in her life." The child thought about this for a moment.

"So why is the groom wearing black?"

best one yet baccy :lol: :)

baccyman

11-22-2004, 03:11 PM

An elderly couple was sitting on there rocking chairs rocking back and forth. When the woman whacked her husband as hard as she could right off his chair. Surprised and disorientated he said: "now why did you do that?" and she replied: "That is for 50 years of horrible sex". So he sits back down and thinks about it for a while, and pretty soon you hear another whack, this time the wife falls off the chair and soon, gets back up and says "what was that for?” He replied, "that is for knowing the difference."

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This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it out and music starts playing!
"...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..."
The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the doctor and drags the poor guy back to the table. "Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again, ". .
. On the road again . . ."

The doctor is totally unimpressed... "So what?" he says.

"Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" the guy asked.

"Are you kidding?" says the doctor "Any asshole can sing country music!"

baccyman

11-26-2004, 03:53 PM

i had a problem with my computer for a few days that is why there were no jokes for a few days
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A crumbling old church building needed remodeling, so, during his sermon, the preacher made an impassioned appeal looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the sermon, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."
Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder

. He promptly stood back up and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000."

Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge."

He sat down, and a larger chunk of plaster fell on his head.

He stood up once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!" This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"

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Two brothers were always getting into trouble in their neighborhood. The people in the neighborhood started complaining to the parents about the boys. So the boys parents decided to have their priest talk to the boys. The priest asks to speak to the boys alone, requesting to see the youngest first. The young boy comes in and sits at a large table across the room from the priest. The priest looks at the boy, points at him and, trying to emphasize that God is in everyone, asks, "Where is God?" The boy looks around the room and back at the priest and says nothing. Again, the priest points at the boy and in a louder voice asks, "Where is God?" The boy says nothing. The priest walks around the table, pointing inches from the boy’s face and asks again, "Where is God?" The boy jumps out of his chair and runs out the door. The boy runs right home, grabs his older brother and says to him, "We are in BIG trouble!" His brother replies, "We haven't done anything!" The younger brother replies, "God's missing, and they think we did it!"

baccyman

11-26-2004, 04:07 PM

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business."
He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million."

After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says "Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas."

He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul, go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand."

He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card."

"What? The dealer has...!"

"Take a card!"

He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy.

"Saul, take another card."

"What?"

"TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands.

"But I have twenty!" Saul shouts.

"TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice.

"Hit me," says Saul. He gets another ace. Twenty one.

The booming voice goes: "Un-f*cking-believable!"

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A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

baccyman

11-26-2004, 04:17 PM

"At the Cannes film festival, John Kerry's daughter was wearing a see-through dress where you could actually see her breasts.
And just like a Kerry, they somehow managed to lean both ways."
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A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "M" on her chest.

"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

baccyman

11-26-2004, 04:25 PM

Following Smith's physical, Dr. Bernard sent his patient a bill.
A month went by without a remittance, the office sent the first letter... another bill, and then another, and then a fourth, but no payment came...

Finally he sent Smith a pathetic letter, claiming desperately strained circumstances and enclosing a shot of his infant daughter.

On the back of the snapshot he wrote, "The reason I desperately need the money you owe me!"

Barely a week later a response from Smith arrived in the mail.

Dr. Bernard ripped it open eagerly, and found himself holding a picture of a gorgeous woman in a full length mink coat.

On the back of the photograph the patient had scrawled, "The reason I can't pay!"

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An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So, he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. "So, they're trying to replace me," thinks the old rooster. "I've got to do something about this!"
He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around the hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on", he said, "and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easily."

So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on.

After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead.

After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little--but he's still hanging in there.

Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella.

By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself, "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

cpt_azad

11-26-2004, 11:08 PM

This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"
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"Hit me," says Saul. He gets another ace. Twenty one.

The booming voice goes: "Un-f*cking-believable!"

"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
awesome :01:

LMFAO :lol:

baccyman

11-27-2004, 04:37 PM

Well, little Johnny was going to his room, when he saw his sister in her room laying on her bed naked, feeling her self, saying "A man, I want A man I need a man!"
Little Johnny just walked by later, he passed her room again, and saw a man an top of his sister. He thought and ran to his room, got naked, laid on his bed feeling himself and said "a bike, I want a bike..."

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The Sunday sermon was, Forgive Your Enemies, and toward the end of the service, the precher asked his congregation,” How many of you have forgiven their enemies?”
About half held up their hands

. He then repeated his question. As it was past lunchtime, this time about 80 percent held up their hands. He then repeated his question again. All responded, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones?" Inquired the preacher; "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-three." She replied.

"Oh Mrs. Jones, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. Would you please come down in front of this congregation and tell us all how a person can live ninety-three years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

They all died "I outlived them all!"

cpt_azad

11-29-2004, 08:53 AM

baccyman

11-29-2004, 03:20 PM

A kid had been fooling around with fireworks in his back yard. He ran in through the back door loudly proclaiming, " Mum, Mum, I just stuck a Roman Candle up a duck's ass"
His mother, dismayed with this turn of phrase corrects the child. "Rectum dear, rectum."

The boy responded, "Wrecked 'im? Nearly blew his f*cking head off!"

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The minister had just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.
The first Sunday after the surgery, he only preached for 10 minutes.

The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.

But, on the third Sunday he preached for 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way:

"The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures and I couldn't stop talking!"

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Three high-school pals were walking on the boardwalk when they saw the most gorgeous girl in a string bikini. Two of the guys let out wolf whistles and stared their eyes out, but Bubba, the third guy, took to his heels in the opposite direction.
A few days later all three were walking on the boardwalk again and saw the same girl, this time wearing nothing but the bikini bottom. And again, two of the guys went ape while Bubba ran for his life.

So when the guys saw the girl for the third time --- this time she's stark naked --- the other two guys grabbed Bubba before he could get away.

Shaking him by the shoulders, they shouted, "Why are you running away from a gorgeous sight like that, you jerk?"

Trembling, Bubba blurted out, "See, it's like this, my mom told me if I ever looked at a naked woman I'd turn into stone... and I felt something getting hard!"

baccyman

11-29-2004, 03:29 PM

One night a guy got really polluted. In the morning, he rolled over and sleeping peacefully beside him was the ugliest girl he'd ever seen.
Very quietly, he slipped his arm out from under her, got up, and dressed as fast as he could. He put a twenty-dollar bill on the bureau and started to tip-toe out.

Just then he felt a tug on his pant leg. Looking down, he saw a girl just as ugly as the one in the bed.

She looked up at him, smiled a toothless smile, and asked,
"What? Nothing for the bridesmaid?"

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FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don't think so. *Click*

baccyman

11-29-2004, 07:55 PM

A man had been drinking at a pub all night when the bartender finally decided to close up shop. So the man stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’d crawl outside and get some fresh air to try to sober up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, “So, you’ve been out drinking again!!” “What makes you say that?” he asked, putting on an innocent look. “The pub called—you left your wheelchair there again.”

baccyman

11-30-2004, 04:20 PM

Two eight-year-old boys played in a vacant lot everyday, and across the street was a brothel. Day after day they saw men go up, knock on the door, go in, and eventually come out happy and smiling.
One day they became curious and decided to see what was going on. The madam answers the door and looks down at the boys, and asks what they want. They explain what they saw, and tell her that they are curious as to what goes on inside.

The Madam thinks for a moment, shrugs, and says, "Do you have 5 dollars?"

Both boys dig deep into their pockets and come up with a total of 50 cents.

She says, "OK, that will have to do," as she proceeds to lift her skirt and pull down her panties. She tells both boys to take a sniff, which they do. She closes the door and the kids proceed home.

About halfway down the block one boy turns to the other and says, "Ya know Joey, I don't think I coulda stood 5 dollars worth of that."

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At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

"Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,"Up or down ?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown."

cpt_azad

11-30-2004, 11:51 PM

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown."
LMFAO :lol: :lol: :lol:

baccyman

12-01-2004, 01:07 PM

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job. A job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try."

"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."

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A young man was shipwrecked on a remote island. Although he had plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except play with himself.
After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn't even get an erection. Now, completely without any happiness, he started to lose his sanity. One morning, as he is lying on the beach, he thinks he sees a ship in the distance. He quickly starts a fire then throws wet seaweed on top until smoke is billowing high in the air. The ship starts to come his way!

He gets all excited and thinks, "Finally! I'm going to be saved! The first thing I want is to take a long, hot shower. Then they're going to give me some clothes and I'm going to go upstairs and have a nice dinner. I will find a nice lady to dance with, then I will take to her cabin and we can kiss and I can fondle her body. She'll start to take off her clothes and she'll be wearing red silk panties!"

At this, he starts to get an erection. He slips his hand into his shorts, grabs his pecker, and yells, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I lied about the ship!"

rmthegreat88

12-01-2004, 09:11 PM

At this, he starts to get an erection. He slips his hand into his shorts, grabs his pecker, and yells, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I lied about the ship!"

haha

cpt_azad

12-02-2004, 12:21 AM

At this, he starts to get an erection. He slips his hand into his shorts, grabs his pecker, and yells, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I lied about the ship!"

lmfao :lol: dude, that's awesome

baccyman

12-02-2004, 01:16 PM

Strategic Warning!
This morning -- from a cave somewhere in Pakistan -- Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers.

If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next.

It's getting ugly

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A Fairy told a married couple: "For being such an exemplary married couple for 35 years, I will give you each a wish."
"I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband," said the wife The fairy moved her magic stick and...abracadabra!... Two tickets appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said, "Well this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So....I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish. The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and....abracadabra!

Suddenly the husband was 90 years old

Men might be jerks. But Fairies are...............Female

cpt_azad

12-03-2004, 06:02 AM

lmfao

baccyman

12-03-2004, 03:24 PM

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

To which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

cpt_azad

12-04-2004, 05:22 AM

lol

baccyman

12-04-2004, 12:08 PM

One morning, after her husband had gone to work, his wife decided to have a leisurely bath. She undressed and then remembered that the gas was still on in the kitchen. Wrapped in a towel, she went downstairs.
She was about to turn off the gas when she heard footsteps. She realized at once that it was the milkman since the arrangement was for him to deliver the milk to the kitchen. So she ran to the nearest door, the broom cupboard and made it just in time.

The footsteps grew louder and the door opened. It was the man from the Gas Company who had called to read the meter.

For a moment she was speechless. Then she said, "Sorry, I was expecting the milkman."

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A wife arriving home after a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words.

"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride.

She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.

Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style.

She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wear because the color didn't suit you.

Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.

Then, as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' ....

....so, here we are!"

scribblec

12-04-2004, 03:05 PM

Then, as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' ....

....so, here we are!" :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

cpt_azad

12-04-2004, 10:52 PM

A wife arriving home after a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words.

"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride.

She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.

Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style.

She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wear because the color didn't suit you.

Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.

Then, as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' ....

....so, here we are!"

lmfao :lol:

baccyman

12-05-2004, 12:09 PM

I'll admit I may not be the best at oral sex;
but why does my wife keep rubbing my nose in it?

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A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.
To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, "Silence in court!"

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says, "Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand.

Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, "OK."

"Well," said Paddy, "after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs."

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!"

"Hurt?" Paddy replies. "He broke three of my fingers!"

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Dear friends,
Many of us over 40 are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedos and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Bikinis and liver spots

11. Short shorts and varicose veins

12. Inline skates and a walker

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.

cpt_azad

12-05-2004, 10:56 PM

Hurt?" Paddy replies. "He broke three of my fingers!"

lmfao :lol:

ziggyjuarez

12-06-2004, 11:56 AM

baccyman

12-06-2004, 03:54 PM

This story is about an elderly couple, sitting together watching television.
During one of those commercials, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"

After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied during the next commercial, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year!"

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A woman walks into a bar and orders two shots. She downs the first one and mumbles, "This is for the shame."
Then, she downs the second one and mumbles, "This is for the glory."

A short while later, the woman orders two more shots. Again, she downs the first one and mumbles, "This is for the shame."

Then, she downs the second one and mumbles, "This is for the glory."

Finally, the bartender leans over and asks, "Ma'am, I was just wondering... what's this about shame and glory?"

"Well," she replies, "I like to do my housework in the nude. And, when I bent over to pick up the vacuum, my Great Dane mounted me from behind."

"That must be the shame," the bartender smirked.

"No, that was the glory," replied the woman. "The shame was when we got locked together and he dragged me around the front yard for thirty minutes."

baccyman

12-07-2004, 02:39 PM

"Don't knock masturbation.
It's sex with someone you love."
Woody Alan

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Dear Tide,
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse!I grabbed my bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to theHefty bag people!

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The couple had split-up a few months ago but still remained good friends, which worked out nicely since they lived in the same apartment building.
One day the man slipped on the ice and broke his arm. He met his ex in the elevator and she asked if there was anything she could do to help.

He said, "Well, if it's not too much trouble, could you help me take a bath?"

She readily agreed and soon was washing him when she saw a gradual erection begin to appear.

"Now isn't that sweet," she cooed. "Look, it still recognizes me".

baccyman

12-07-2004, 02:50 PM

A priest walks by a hooker, who shouts, “Hey, father, I’ll give you a blow job for 10 bucks!” The embarrassed priest then bumps into a nun from his church. “Perhaps you can help me, sister,” he says. “What’s a blow job?” “Ten bucks,” the nun replies. “Same as everywhere else.”

baccyman

12-08-2004, 03:37 PM

A comely redhead was thrilled to have obtained a divorce and dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income and good looks. In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heals in love with him, even though he was a married man.
"Oh, Sam," she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, "isn't there some way we can be together, the way we were meant to be?"

Taking her by the shoulders, Sam proceeded to scold her, "Snatched drinks in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried meetings in sordid motels rooms - is that really what you want for us?"

"No, no..." she sobbed, heartsick.

"Oh," said the lawyer. "Well, it was just a suggestion."

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The pretty young schoolteacher was concerned about one of her eleven year old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Victor, why has your schoolwork been so poor lately?"
"I can’t concentrate," replied the boy. "I’ve fallen in love."

"Is that so?" said the teacher, holding back an urge to smile. "With whom?"

"With you," he answered.

"But Victor," exclaimed the secretly pleased young lady, "don’t you see how silly that is? It’s true that I would like a husband of my own someday; but I don’t want a child."

"Oh, don’t worry," said Victor reassuringly. "I’ll be careful."

thecreator89

12-08-2004, 11:19 PM

Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to theHefty bag people!
NICE
:cool:

baccyman

12-09-2004, 04:52 PM

It is with saddest heart that I pass on the following news.
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection, and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, who has a bun in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Buttersworth, Hungry Jack, The California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart "cookie", wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes

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Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87 year old said, "well I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it, would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said , "My goodness, 5 loaves...it'll get hard."

He replied, "Does everybody in the world know about this Italian bread but ME?

cpt_azad

12-09-2004, 10:46 PM

"Oh, don’t worry," said Victor reassuringly. "I’ll be careful."

lmfao

baccyman

12-10-2004, 01:55 PM

Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back was really sore from moving furniture.
"Why didn't you wait till your husband got home?" someone asked.

"I could have," my mother told the group," but the couch is easier to move if he's not on it."

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A couple just got home from their honeymoon, and when the husband went back to his house after work he found that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.
Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasn't been home or called.

She replied, "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week."

The husband answered, "But it's only been two days. What do you mean a week?"

"I am only here to get something to eat."

cpt_azad

12-10-2004, 11:10 PM

lol

baccyman

12-11-2004, 11:30 AM

Looking in the mall for a nightgown, a 40-something lady tried her luck in a store known for its skimpy lingerie. To her delight, however, she found just what she was looking for.
Waiting in the line to pay, she noticed a young woman behind me holding the same item. This confirmed what she suspected all along: despite being nearly 50, she still had a very "with it" attitude.

"I see we have the same taste," she said proudly to the 20-something behind me.

"Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my mother."

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A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black Labrador The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

baccyman

12-12-2004, 12:48 PM

What do you call a 350-pound stripper?
Broke!

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A man went to the airline counter. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, do you have reservations?" He replied, "Reservations? Of course I have reservations, but I'm flying anyway."

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The New Orleans Saints football practice was delayed nearly two hours yesterday after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.
The Head Coach, Jim Haslett, immediately suspended practice while New Orleans police and federal investigators were called in to investigate. After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line.

Practice was resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.

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A Vicar and his friend, Colin were playing golf.
Colin misses a 3 foot putt and yells, "Goddamn it, missed the bugger!" and the vicar says, "If you keep saying that then God will punish you."

Next hole Colin misses a 2 foot putt and says "Goddamn it, missed the bugger!" and the vicar says, "ONE more time Colin, and God will punish you!"

Then Colin misses a one foot putt and "GOD DAMN IT!!!MISSED THE BUGGER!"

Suddenly clouds form overhead. God comes down from Heaven and strikes the Vicar dead with a bolt of thunder.

God says, "Goddamn it! Missed the bugger!"

cpt_azad

12-12-2004, 09:29 PM

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

lmfao

cpt_azad

12-12-2004, 09:31 PM

God says, "Goddamn it! Missed the bugger!"

:lol:

baccyman

12-13-2004, 03:11 PM

The Moron IQ Test
Study each question carefully, then choose the answer that seems "most" correct (TRUE or FALSE) and mark an "X" (just like you sign your name) on the appropriate line at the right.

1. A clitoris is a type of flower ____TRUE____FALSE

2. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit ____TRUE____FALSE

3. "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird ____TRUE____FALSE

4. Vagina - a medical term to describe heart trouble. ____TRUE____FALSE

5. A menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels ____TRUE____FALSE

6. A G-string is a part of a violin ____TRUE____FALSE

7. Semen is another word for sailor ____TRUE____FALSE

8. Anus is the latin word for "yearly" ____TRUE____FALSE

9. Testicles are found on an octopus ____TRUE____FALSE

10. Asphalt describes rectal troubles ____TRUE____FALSE

11. Masturbate is used to catch a large fish ____TRUE____FALSE

12. Kotex is a radio station in Bryan, Tx ____TRUE____FALSE

13. Coitus is a musical instrument ____TRUE____FALSE

14. Fetus is a character on gunsmoke ____TRUE____FALSE

15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute ____TRUE____FALSE

16. A condom is an apartment complex ____TRUE____FALSE

17. Orgasm - accompanies the choir at church ____TRUE____FALSE

18. A diaphram is a drawing in geometry ____TRUE____FALSE

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle ____TRUE____FALSE

20. Erection - when the Japanese vote for their new government ____TRUE____FALSE

21. A lesbian is a person from the middle east ____TRUE____FALSE

22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass ____TRUE____FALSE

23. Pornography is the business of making record albums ____TRUE____FALSE

24. Genitals are people of non-jewish faith ____TRUE____FALSE

25. Douch is the Italian word for "twelve" ____TRUE____FALSE

26. An enema is someone who is not your friend ____TRUE____FALSE

27. Ovaries are a french egg dish made with cheese ____TRUE____FALSE

28. Scrotum is a small planet near Venus ____TRUE____FALSE

29. "Cock" is a bird that crows in the morning ____TRUE____FALSE

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An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.

cpt_azad

12-14-2004, 02:49 AM

P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.

lmfao, read that one in reader's digest once, funny shit

baccyman

12-14-2004, 03:07 PM

There were several women sitting around talking
at their weekly club meeting. The topic of birth
control came up and they started comparing
methods.

The first woman said that she and her husband
relied on the pill. It had been effective for
them since they had started using it after their
4th child was born.

The second woman said that she used the rhythm
method. But she hated having to watch the
calendar.

The third woman said that she used condoms, but
wished that her husband would remember to buy
them himself.

The fourth woman said that she and her husband
had found the perfect prevention method. They
used the "saucer and pail" method. All ears
were opened at that comment.

She went on to explain.... Her husband is shorter
than she, so he stands on a pail whenever they
make love, and when his eyes get as big as
saucers, she kicks the pail out from underneath
him.

____________________________________________

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90 percent... wedding cake!

____________________________________________

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in
his car.
____________________________________________

A man was screwing his wife and wasn’t enjoying
it, nor was she, their sex life has been horrible
for a while. After sex he leaves and goes for a
walk, on his walk he ponders by the park and
sits on the bench. While he is sitting a guy
comes over and sits down beside him. He looks at
this guy who just sat down by him and asks him
curiously, "Not to be rude, but are you a
leprechaun?" he asked.

The guy said "Well don’t I look like one?"

He replies with "Well if you are, then that
means you have to grant me a wish."

The leprechaun says "Yes I do, what is your
wish?"

"Well me and my wife are having a horrible sex
life, how about you make my dick bigger so it
could be better?"

The leprechaun says "Sure, but for this to happen
you must butt fuck me"

"Okay, I’m okay with that"

He butt fucks him for a while and finishes up he
looks at the man and says "Well when am I gonna
get my bigger dick, a year, a month, a day,
when?"

The leprechaun says "Well sir, how old are you?

He replies "I’m 38"

The little man says "And you still believe in
leprechauns?"

baccyman

12-14-2004, 06:52 PM

A woman’s husband dies, and she tells the funeral director that she wants him to be buried in a blue suit instead of the black suit he’s wearing. The widow hands him a blank check and leaves. At the wake, she sees her husband wearing a beautiful blue suit and asks how much it cost. “Not a thing,” says the director. “When you left, a corpse wearing a blue suit came in, and he was the same size as your husband. I asked the other widow if she’d be OK having her husband in a black suit, and she said yes.” “That must have been a lot of work to redress two bodies,” says the widow. “Not at all,” replies the director. “I just switched the heads.”

cpt_azad

12-15-2004, 07:28 AM

The little man says "And you still believe in
leprechauns?"

lmfao

cpt_azad

12-15-2004, 07:28 AM

baccyman

12-15-2004, 01:29 PM

What part of the human body is called the "yet"?
I don't know either, but in the paper it said this lady got shot and they haven't got the bullet out of her yet!

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Little Johnny is in a class where every Friday the teacher asks a question and if you get it right you don't have to go to school on Monday.
The first Friday the question was, "How many gallons of water is there in the whole world."

No one knew so they all had to go to school on Monday.

Next Friday, the question was, "How many grains of sand is there in the whole world."

No one knew so they had to go to school on Monday.

By this time Little Johnny is getting mad because he doesn't want to go to school on Monday.

So he paints two ping-pong balls black and the next Friday right before the teacher asked the question he rolled the two black ping-pong balls up to her.

She said, "Who is the comedian with two black balls?"

Little Johnny said, "Bill Cosby, see you on Tuesday."

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Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?", she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years", he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

"Worked for your ass, didn't it?"

cpt_azad

12-15-2004, 11:14 PM

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

"Worked for your ass, didn't it?"

lmfao :lol:

baccyman

12-16-2004, 02:19 PM

If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and your wife wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?
8 hours, 57 minutes - who cares what she wants.

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A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator.
On the third floor a man gets on who's perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt, but unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff. The man gets off on the 5th floor.

Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."

To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"

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Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity.
"I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day I have to blow the whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact time."

The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time we've been setting our clock by your whistle.

baccyman

12-17-2004, 04:31 PM

Jerry Falwell, a well-known religious protector of 'public decency', was seated next to Bill Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. Clinton asked for a whiskey and soda which were brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.
The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"

Bill then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."

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Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.
Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,... Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying...

"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet!"

rmthegreat88

12-17-2004, 11:01 PM

"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet!"

silly andy!

cpt_azad

12-18-2004, 03:56 AM

To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"

lmfao

cpt_azad

12-18-2004, 03:57 AM

silly andy!
indeed :lol:

baccyman

12-18-2004, 05:35 PM

Two drunken men were driving home. The first started screaming: - Jim, watch out for the wall, watch out for the waaaaall! Baaaaam! They hit the wall. The next day in the hospital the first man asked his friend: - You good for nothing, I've been screaming for you to watch out, why didn't you? Jim answered him: - IT WAS YOU DRIVING!!!

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A guy is walking through Chinatown in New York. He is fascinated by all the Chinese restaurants, the shops, the signs and banners on all the buildings. He is having the greatest time just walking and looking around. He turns a corner and sees a building with a sign that says, "Hans Olafsen's Laundry."
"Hans Olafsen?" he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?"

So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olafsen's Laundry?"

The old man says, "Is name of owner."

The visitor asks, "Who is the owner?"

"I am he," answers the old man.

"You? How did you get a name like Hans Olafsen?"

The old man replies: "Many years ago, when come to this country, I standing in line at immigration office. Man in front was big Swede. Lady look at him and say 'What your name?' and he say 'Hans Olafsen.' Next, she look at me -- 'What your name?' I say 'Saim Ting.'"

baccyman

12-19-2004, 01:15 PM

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance.
"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.

"He's not so smart," said one of the irked players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

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Sally told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."

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A young man asked an old rich man how he made his fortune.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

ziggyjuarez

12-19-2004, 07:50 PM

[QUOTE=baccyman]A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance.
"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.

"He's not so smart," said one of the irked players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
QUOTE]
:D hehe

cpt_azad

12-19-2004, 11:37 PM

baccyman

12-20-2004, 03:48 PM

An Indian gentleman on his first visit to the USA
visited the foreign exchange to exchange some
Rupees. He handed to the cashier 100,000Rps and
after a quick calculation on the calculator, was
given $50.45 with a typical "service" smile and
"Have a nice day!"

The Indian promptly spent this and returned the
next day with another wad of Rupees. He handed the
same cashier 100,000Rps and put his hand out for
his $50.45, instead he received $48.78.

He questiond bitterly Ooh!! vy less ???" Whereupon
the cashier replied "Fluctuations!"

He screamed back "Fluck You Americans!" I'm going
back to Delhi!!!
___________________________________________

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey and orders a
drink for himself. The bartender looks at the
monkey and says to the guy, "Hey, we have health
standards here, get that monkey out of here!"

"Aw," says the guy, "He's Okay. I'll pay for any
damages that he makes."

The bartender agrees. After a few minutes, the
monkey jumps from the bar over to the pool table,
grabs the cue ball and swallows it.

"That's it!" the bartender screams, "Get that
monkey out of here!"

"Hey," says the guy, "it's Okay. Look, I'll pay
you for the cue ball and leave."

The guy drops a bill on the bar, gathers his
monkey and leaves.

Two weeks later, the same guy with the same
monkey show up at the same bar. The bartender,
remembering the incident, says, "Listen buddy,
are you going to keep your monkey in line?"

"Yeah," says the guy, "don't worry about any cue
balls."

After a few minutes the monkey runs across the
bar to a bowl of grapes and grabs one. He looks
at the grape for a minute or two and promply
shoves it up his rear end. Sitting there for a
while, he then proceeds to eat the grapes one by
one.

"That has to be the grossest thing I ever saw in
my life," says the bartender.

"Yeah," says the guy, "but after the cue ball,
he began to size everything he eats."

___________________________________________

Why did cavemen drag their women by their hair?

Because if they pulled them by their feet, they
would fill up with dirt!

___________________________________________

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up
a young couple who had been sleeping in the
bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband
turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on
the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,
"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years.
Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he
wants to have sex with you, just go along with it
and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag,
"I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he
just told me he thinks you are really cute!"

___________________________________________

Every Sunday 3 boys would go to church and
confess. So the first boy went up to the priest.
The priest says "What have you done bad in your
life son".

The boy responds with "I've swore to my mother."

The priest says" take one sip of holy water."

The second boys goes up to the priest and the
priest says, "What have you done bad in your
life son?"

The boy responds with "I've stolen something".

The priest says take two sips of holy water.
After every sip the third boy is laughing his
head off.

So the third boy goes up to the priest and the
priest says, "What have you done bad in your
life son"

The boy responds with, "I pissed in the holy
water."

thecreator89

12-20-2004, 06:31 PM

quote better :)

lmao :lol:

baccyman

12-20-2004, 07:07 PM

Two military policemen were chasing a fleeing draftee from The military base. The draftee ran into the courtyard of a convent. He saw a nun seated on a round bench beneath a tree, quietly reading a book.

He said to her, "Quick sister, please hide me I don't want to be drafted and the M.P.'s are chasing me!"

She lifted up her skirt and said, "Quick hide under here." The two policemen came by and asked if she had seen anyone. She replied, "No."

After they left she told the young boy to come out and that everything was going to be OK. He thanked her and said, "You have a nice set of legs for a nun!"

She replied, "If you reach up a little farther you'll find a nice set of balls too. I'm not going to be drafted either!"

baccyman

12-20-2004, 10:39 PM

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times’ sake. He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He’s going at it as best as he can for a guy his age. The old sailor asks, “How am I doing?” The prostitute replies, “Well, sailor, you’re doing about three knots.” “Three knots?” he replies, “What’s that supposed to mean?” She says, “You’re knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re knot getting your money back.”

tesco

12-21-2004, 04:21 PM

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his fortune.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

That ones great. :lol:

baccyman

12-21-2004, 07:31 PM

Mary: "My last boyfriend said he fantasized about having two girls at once."
Jill: "Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?"

Mary: "I said, 'If you can't satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off two?'"

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A co-worker told George that George's wife was being unfaithful everyday at 1:30 in the afternoon with George's best friend. Worried and hurt, George ran home at 1:30 to see if this was true.
He came back to the office contented and relieved.

His co-worker asked him how it went.

"Look," said George. "Don't start such terrible rumors! That guy isn't my best friend...I don't even know him."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a beer."
"Don't get up," said the American, "I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it for you." As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the beer, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too." Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up his other shoe and spat in it. When the American returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes...the pissing in beers?"

cpt_azad

12-22-2004, 02:13 AM

"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes...the pissing in beers?"

lmfao :lol: that was a good one

cpt_azad

12-22-2004, 02:16 AM

She replied, "If you reach up a little farther you'll find a nice set of balls too. I'm not going to be drafted either!"

lmfao

tesco

12-22-2004, 04:22 PM

lmfao :lol: that was a good one
:lol: ya.

baccyman

12-22-2004, 04:34 PM

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
After 20 years, the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby.
One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper, "Darling am I the first man to make love to you ?"

Her tone, upon answering, was slightly more than irritable. "Of course you are!" she said, "and the best, too--I don't know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions."

baccyman

12-22-2004, 04:46 PM

A mother and son were walking through a cemetery,
and passed by a headstone inscribed 'Here lies a
good lawyer and an honest man.'

The little boy read the headstone, looked up at
his mother, and asked 'Mommy, why did they bury
two men there?'

______________________________________________________

2 drunks were walking down a railroad track
one night when one drunk stops and says,
"This is the longest set of stairs I have
ever seen".

The other drunk says, "Yes and these damned
handrails are too low too."
________________________________________________________

This 80 year old woman went to the big city
to get a gynecological exam. The doctor looked
her over and said that she had the worst case of
clap he had ever seen.

She said that could not be possible because she
was a virgin. So She went to another doctor and
he told the same thing. She was tired of this
crap so she went back to her home town to meet
with her regular doctor. She told him what they
had told her and that she was a virgin.

The doctor looked her over and said those doctors
are full of shit you don't have the clap, your
cherry has rotted and you have fruit flies!

cpt_azad

12-22-2004, 11:39 PM

lol

colt45joe

12-23-2004, 09:20 PM

him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

you already did this one, but last time it was a cucomber

cpt_azad

12-23-2004, 10:15 PM

who cares dude? i obviously haven't seen it. sometimes reposts are necessary, and afterall baccyman has posted hundreds of em i doubt even i could keep track of em all. btw, where u been colt? been a while.

rmthegreat88

12-27-2004, 05:31 AM

cpt_azad

12-27-2004, 06:38 AM

oh noez! repost! what will we do!

:lol: :cool: :( :dry:

baccyman

12-27-2004, 02:22 PM

How Dogs and Women are the Same:
Both look stupid in hats.

Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.

Both tend to have "hip" problems.

Neither understand football.

Both look good in a fur coat.

Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.

Neither believe that silence is golden.

Both constantly want back rubs.

Neither can balance a checkbook.

You can never tell what either of them is thinking.

Both put too much value on kissing.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How Dogs and Men are the Same:
Both take up too much space on the bed.

Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

Both are threatened by their own kind.

Both like to chew wood.

Both mark their territory.

Both are bad at asking you questions.

Neither tells you what's bothering them.

Both tend to smell riper with age.

The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

Neither does dishes.

Both fart shamelessly.

Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.

Both like dominance games.

Both are suspicious of the postman.

Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.

Neither understands what you see in cats.

Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.

___________________________________________________________________

Once upon a time
In a land far away
A beautiful, independent
Self-assured princess
Happened upon a frog as she sat
Contemplating ecological issues
On the shores of an unpolluted pond
In a verdant meadow near her castle.
A frog hopped into the princess's lap And said: Elegant lady,
I was once a handsome prince
Until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
And I will turn back
Into the dapper young prince that I am;
And then, my sweet, we can marry
And set up housekeeping in yon castle
With my mother,
Where you can prepare my meals,
Clean my clothes, bear my children,
And forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night, As the princess dined sumptuously
On a repast of lightly sauteed frogs' legs
Seasoned in a white wine & onion cream sauce,
She chuckled and said softly to herself:

"I don't friggin' think so!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Van is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."

"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Van.

"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board."

cpt_azad

12-28-2004, 01:44 AM

"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board."

lmfao

baccyman

12-28-2004, 03:52 PM

The eight-year old boy had never spoken a word-ever. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, "Soup's cold."
His astonished mother exclaimed, "Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"

The boy looked at her and replied, "Up until now, everything's been okay."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to see his Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asks, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

The next day the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone yesterday for over three hours. You want my advice?"

The man anxiously answers, "Yes."

"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

thecreator89

12-28-2004, 07:15 PM

baccyman

12-28-2004, 08:05 PM

Masturbata.

Sitting in my house, and I know that I'm alone,
Feeling kinda horny, got a jingle in my bone
Go and grab a Penthouse it's the one with Sharon Stone
Hey Masturbata!

I go a little faster and its feeling kind of nice,
Once ain't enough so I have to do it twice
If you wanna spank the monkey I can give you good advice
Hey Masturbata!

I use some baby oil or a little Vaseline,
Laying down a towel so I keep my carpet clean
Never shake my hand cause you don't know where its been
Hey Masturbata!

I do it in the car when I'm driving down the street,
One hand on the wheel and the other on my meat
I can't get out the car cause I'm sticking to the seat
Hey Masturbata!

Since I was a kid I have been a masturbater,
Choke the chicken; hum the knob, squeezing the tomato
I've looked at Ms. November now I'm gonna decorate her
Hey, Masturbata!

Buffing the banana, Mr. Lizard shaking bacon,
Pounding on the flounder and its mayonnaise I'm makin'.
Spank the frank, wax the carrot, god my hand is achin'.
Hey, Masturbata!

tesco

12-29-2004, 04:11 AM

:lol: @ the last one.

hey, mastrbata!

cpt_azad

12-29-2004, 07:50 AM

The man anxiously answers, "Yes."

"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

lmfao

baccyman

12-29-2004, 05:03 PM

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world is Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be, that one of us is Chinese.
It’s either my mom or my dad, my older brother Colin, me or my youngest brother Ho-Cha-Chu. I think it’s Colin.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there.
Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "$10,000 a minute."

Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he paid the price he can talk directly to God.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake, Denver, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Alabama. Upon entering a church, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 25 cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in the South now, and it's a local call.

cpt_azad

12-30-2004, 03:10 AM

"Son, you're in the South now, and it's a local call."

lmfao

baccyman

12-30-2004, 05:09 PM

A girl says to an Indian salesman, "I'm not sure if I should buy a sweatshirt or a windbreaker."
He says, "Well, that depends. Are you gonna sweat, or are you gonna break wind?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a very good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.

About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.

"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of shame was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him:
"Howard, don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last. And, you're single. So just let it go."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:

"Howard, you're a veterinarian...."

cpt_azad

12-30-2004, 11:57 PM

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of shame was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him:
"Howard, don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last. And, you're single. So just let it go."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:

"Howard, you're a veterinarian...."

lmfao :lol:

thecreator89

12-31-2004, 12:41 AM

ooooooooh that sucks :shifty: :shifty: :shifty:

cpt_azad

12-31-2004, 12:43 AM

ewwww

baccyman

12-31-2004, 03:17 PM

Do you know why Noah didn’t fish very often?
He only had two worms.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to make love again.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labour is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

POW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry clothes into it.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

TWO MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house..

WEEKEND: When Dad gets to play golf while Mom catches up on the laundry, cleans the house, runs errands, etc.

baccyman

12-31-2004, 03:26 PM

Two sperm are swimming along. One turns to the other and asks, “Hey, how far to the fallopian tubes?” The other replies, “Fallopian tubes? Hell, we haven’t even passed the esophagus yet!”

cpt_azad

01-01-2005, 12:28 AM

Two sperm are swimming along. One turns to the other and asks, “Hey, how far to the fallopian tubes?” The other replies, “Fallopian tubes? Hell, we haven’t even passed the esophagus yet!”

lmfao

baccyman

01-01-2005, 08:42 PM

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis... fifty times"
___________________________________________________________________

BAD: You can't find your vibrator.
WORSE: Your daughter "borrowed" it.

BAD: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
WORSE: You're in it.

BAD: Your children are sexually active.
WORSE: With each other.

BAD: Your husband's a cross dresser.
WORSE: He looks better than you.

BAD: Your son's involved in Satanism.
WORSE: As a sacrifice.

BAD: Your wife wants a divorce.
WORSE: She's a lawyer.

BAD: Your wife's leaving you.
WORSE: For another woman.

BAD: Your wife's leaving you.
WORSE: To enter a convent.

BAD: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
WORSE: She implicates you.

GOOD: Hot outdoor sex.
BAD: You're arrested.
WORSE: By your husband.

GOOD: The postman's early.
BAD: He's wearing camos and has an AK-47.

GOOD: The secretary said "yes."
BAD: Your wife says "no."

GOOD: The teacher likes your son.
BAD: Sexually.
WORSE: He's gay.

GOOD: You came home for a quickie.
BAD: So did the postman.

GOOD: You came home for a quickie.
BAD: Your wife walks in.

GOOD: You get a three-day weekend.
BAD: You get the flu on Friday.

GOOD: You get tickets to the theatre.
BAD: It's performance art.

GOOD: You go to see a strip show.
BAD: Your daughter's the headliner.

GOOD: Your boyfriend's exercising.
BAD: So he'll fit in your clothes.

GOOD: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas."
BAD: For real.

GOOD: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right".
BAD: Your son, that is.

GOOD: Your daughter's on the Pill.
BAD: She's eleven.

GOOD: Your neighbour exercises in the nude.
BAD: He weighs 350 pounds.

GOOD: Your son's doing extra credit work.
BAD: Making a sexed video.

GOOD: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.
BAD: It's counterfeit.

GOOD: Your wife bought a porn video.
BAD: Your daughter's the star.

GOOD: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
BAD: You live downtown.

GOOD: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
BAD: She's coming home.

GOOD: Your wife's kinky.
BAD: With the neighbors.
WORSE: All of them.

baccyman

01-03-2005, 10:44 PM

Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for sex for quite a while now. Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curled up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire.
Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty-dollar bill, and gives it to him. She says, "Awww, honey you're so depressed... Here, take this and go to the woman next door, and she will let you sleep with her tonight.. But remember that this happens only once. Ok? Don't think about it or ask me to do this again."

The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly.

A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says with much disappointment, "She said this is not enough, she wants sixty dollars."

The wife's face slowly turns red with anger: "Damn that bitch! When she was pregnant and her husband came over here I only charged him fifty!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?"
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two."

The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Kennyson vs. IRS, two and two was proven to be four.

The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked her, "How much is two and two?"

The accountant got up from her chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. She leaned across the desk and said in a low voice....

"How much do you want it to be?"

She got the job.

cpt_azad

01-04-2005, 12:56 AM

"Great idea, now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis... fifty times"

lmfao :lol:

baccyman

01-04-2005, 06:55 PM

"Say," began Lucille one day over lunch, "didn't you go out with that guy who played the French horn?"
"Yeah," said Diane, stirring her iced tea.

"You were really looking forward to it, I remember. How'd it go?" Lucille leaned forward eagerly.

"Actually he was a pretty nice guy," volunteered Diane reluctantly. "But there was one real problem..."

"Oh, really?"

"Every time he kissed me, he wanted to shove his fist up my behine."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jim and Bubba, two army buddies are on leave and decide to go to Bubba's house and get drunk. Lo and behold they run out of beer so Bubba says that he will go for more. As he is leaving he tells his wife Linda-Lou to show Jim her best southern hospitality which she agrees to do.
Bubba comes back with the beer and finds Jim and Linda-Lou screwing right on the kitchen floor.

Bubba yells, "What are you doing Linda-Lou?"

She replies, "You told me to show Jim my best southern hospitality."

Bubba then says, "Gee whiz, girl, arch your back! Poor Jim's balls are on the cold floor."

baccyman

01-05-2005, 07:45 PM

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you." When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him. "He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As the high school teacher was correcting essays written by her students she read, "Pedro jumped on his burrow and rode off into the sunset."
She wrote at the bottom of the page, "You obviously have problems with homonyms. A burrow is a hole in the ground. A burro is an ass. At your age it's time to learn the difference."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

cpt_azad

01-05-2005, 11:16 PM

lmao

scribblec

01-05-2005, 11:33 PM

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

baccyman

01-06-2005, 01:04 PM

Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says, "I've seen some great pictures of Devine Brown lately, sure would like to get together with her!"
Hugh replies, "Well Bill, you know ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed, she's charging a small fortune."

Bill replies with a chuckle, "Hugh, money's no object to me. What's her number?"

So, Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date.

They meet and after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling, "God... now I know why you chose the name Devine."

To which she replies, "Thank you Bill.....and now I know how you chose the name Microsoft!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung."

I calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her...... He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"
He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.
Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, and just a kid, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."

cpt_azad

01-06-2005, 11:08 PM

"Thank you Bill.....and now I know how you chose the name Microsoft!"

hahahaa

cpt_azad

01-06-2005, 11:09 PM

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."

funniest one i've heard this month :lol: lmfao

baccyman

01-07-2005, 03:25 PM

So my dad was having "that" conversation with me when I was about 12 or 13. He said that if you masturbate you’ll go blind.
I said, "I’m over here, Dad..."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what's wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "You're just a plain old lazy fart."

"Thank You." said the man. "Now give me the medical term, so I can tell my wife!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping!"

cpt_azad

01-07-2005, 11:38 PM

So my dad was having "that" conversation with me when I was about 12 or 13. He said that if you masturbate you’ll go blind.
I said, "I’m over here, Dad..."

lol

baccyman

01-08-2005, 01:16 PM

Buford walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Buford said, Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, Shingles. So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete Medical history and told Buford to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, Shingles. So she gave Buford a blood test, a blood pressure test, electrocardiogram, told Buford to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, Shingles. The doctor asked, Where?

Buford said, Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?

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Her precocious six-year old daughter came tugging at the mother's skirt, asking, "Mommy, can I have a baby?"
"Of course not, dear," the mother replied, without missing a stroke of her ironing.

"Are you sure?" the little girl persisted.

"Certainly," said the mother.

As she ran to rejoin her playmates in the yard, the child called out, "OK, fellas, same game!"

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Bella was terribly upset. Her fiance, Marvin, had been to a clinical psychologist, and the results were not entirely consoling.
She said to her mother, "I’m not sure the marriage would be happy, Ma. The psychologist says Marvin tests out to have a pronounced Oedipus complex."

Her mother shrugged and said, "Don’t listen to that fancy talk. I’ve watched Marvin and I tell you he’s all right. Just look how much he loves his mother."

baccyman

01-08-2005, 09:14 PM

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and
pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw
a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was
a strong smell liquor on her breath. He said,
"I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to
determine if you are under the influence of
alcohol."

She blew up the balloon and he walked it back
to the police car. After a couple of minutes,
he returned to her car and said, "It looks like
you've had a couple of stiff ones."

She replied, "You mean it shows that, too?"

cpt_azad

01-09-2005, 12:13 AM

lol

baccyman

01-09-2005, 01:23 PM

A man wakes up with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed. He looks around the room and sees it is in perfect order. So's the rest of the house. He takes his aspirins and notices a note on the table:
Honey,
Breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping.
I Love you.

He goes to the kitchen. Sure enough, a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper await him. His son is also at the table, eating. The man asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and delirious. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you walked into the door."

Confused, the man asks, "So why is everything in order and so clean, with breakfast on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you shouted,

"LADY, GET YOUR DAMNED HANDS OFF OF ME! I'M MARRIED!"

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An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table,when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife..... "Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."

cpt_azad

01-10-2005, 02:59 AM

"Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."

lmfao

baccyman

01-10-2005, 02:21 PM

Dear Abby,
"I just met the most terrific girl and we get along fabulously. I think she's the one for me. There's just one problem - I can't remember from our first date if she told me she had T.B. or V.D. What should I do?" Signed, Confused

Dear Confused,
"If she coughs, f**k her."

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A lady goes into a store and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming "GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"
The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What's wrong?" She explains the situation with the toaster. He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!"

Her money was refunded..

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A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.
Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.

After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.

While she was in the bathroom she opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there.

She exclaimed "Oh no, it's short, pink and wrinkled!"

Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"

baccyman

01-11-2005, 12:58 PM

A lady places a personal ad in the paper that reads, “Looking for a man who won’t beat me, won’t run out on me, and is good in bed.” Days later her doorbell rings, and she opens the door to find a man with no arms or legs. “I’m here in response to your personal ad,” he says. “I don’t have arms, so I can’t beat you. And I don’t have legs, so I can’t run out on you.” “But I need a good lover too,” she replies. “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

baccyman

01-11-2005, 02:42 PM

Why are women always upset with Men?
Men are one of the few things that can gain 8 inches in 5 minutes and lose it all 3 minutes later.

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I was at a party this weekend and a jokester, stifling a laugh said, "Listen to this: One day, Moskowitz and Finkelstein were going to..."
At this, my Jewish friend, Al Cohen said, "Moskowitz and Finkelstein! Moskowitz and Finkelstein! Always two Jews! Why do they have to be Jewish? Can’t you tell the joke with other nationalities involved? Why don’t you make them Chinese for a change?"

The jokester, sobered and embarrassed, said, "I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend. Here’s the joke: One day, Hong-lee Yang and Mao-chen Foo were going to the synagogue to attend the bar mitzvah of Hong-lee Yang’s nephew..."

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When I introduced my friend Wes to the proprietor of my favorite Chinese restaurant, the owner greeted him enthusiastically, saying, "Welcome, West."
Wes shook his hand and smiled despite the mispronounced name.

All through the meal, the proprietor checked to make sure "West" was pleased. Finally, Wes corrected him, "It's Wes, not West."

"West, not West?" asked the confused man.

Wes smiled patiently and nodded. "Yes," he said, "Wes, no 't'."

"Ah," said the proprietor and walked away with our teapot.

cpt_azad

01-12-2005, 07:21 AM

The jokester, sobered and embarrassed, said, "I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend. Here’s the joke: One day, Hong-lee Yang and Mao-chen Foo were going to the synagogue to attend the bar mitzvah of Hong-lee Yang’s nephew..."

lol

cpt_azad

01-12-2005, 07:22 AM

baccyman

01-12-2005, 04:40 PM

There were 2 Irishmen walking along looking for jobs, when they came across a sign saying:
TREE FELLERS WANTED.

"Ohhh, to be sure, to be sure!" said one, "what a shame there’s only the two of us!"

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A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft.
As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blond attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.

"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.

"Yeah," said the blond attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"

The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means 'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"

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Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"Becky, my darling," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have something that I must confess."

"There isn't anything to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's alright, go to sleep."

"No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."

cpt_azad

01-13-2005, 09:13 AM

lol

baccyman

01-13-2005, 05:08 PM

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . Please advise."
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

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What Gender is it ?
You may not know that many non-living things have a gender.

For example:

1) Ziploc bags – Male
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers – Female
They are female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tyre – Male
because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

4) Hot Air Balloon – Male
because to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5) Sponges -- Female
because they're soft,squeezable and retain water.

6) Web Page – Female
because it's always getting hit on.

7) Subway – Male
because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

Hourglass – Female
because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) Hammer – Male
because it hasn't changed much over the last 5000 years, but it's handy to have around.

10) Remote Control -- Female.
Yeah, you thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

baccyman

01-14-2005, 01:27 PM

A young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage.
One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant. As he perused the menu, he casually asked her, "So... how do you like your rice? Boiled? Or fried?"

Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied, "Thrown."

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Joe's wife likes to sing so she decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch. His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, Joe? Don't you like my singing? "
Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."

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Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

baccyman

01-14-2005, 10:56 PM

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

cpt_azad

01-15-2005, 02:20 AM

thecreator89

01-15-2005, 02:47 AM

cpt_azad

01-15-2005, 04:00 AM

stupid? yes. (that includes girl)

baccyman

01-15-2005, 01:50 PM

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John, " his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"

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Two Jewish businessmen meet in a restaurant for a lunch suggested by one of them.
One of them says, "I have a good deal for you. When I was in Florida, I went to the town where the circus stays during the winter. I happened to pick up an elephant. I could let you have it for three thousand dollars."

The other businessman sipped his martini and said, "What am I going to do with an elephant? I live in a condo. I barely have room for my furniture. I can’t even squeeze in an end table. So I’m going to buy an elephant?"

The first businessman said, "I could let you have three of them for two grand..."

"Oh," said the other, "now you’re talking!"

baccyman

01-16-2005, 07:14 PM

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"Excuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done.

"What was that all about?"

"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

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The wealthy old gentleman and his wife were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary and their three grown sons
joined them for dinner. The old man was rather irritated when he discovered that none of the boys had bothered to bring a gift, and after the meal, he drew them aside.

"You’re all grown men," he said, "and old enough to hear this. Your mother and I have never been legally married."

"What?" gasped one of the sons. "Do you mean to say we’re all bastards?"

'Yes," snapped the old man, "and cheap ones, too."

cpt_azad

01-16-2005, 10:43 PM

hahahahahaha

thecreator89

01-17-2005, 01:08 AM

"my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
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'Yes," snapped the old man, "and cheap ones, too."

:ohmy: Hilarious :w00t:

scribblec

01-17-2005, 02:11 AM

Two Jewish businessmen meet in a restaurant for a lunch suggested by one of them.
One of them says, "I have a good deal for you. When I was in Florida, I went to the town where the circus stays during the winter. I happened to pick up an elephant. I could let you have it for three thousand dollars."

The other businessman sipped his martini and said, "What am I going to do with an elephant? I live in a condo. I barely have room for my furniture. I can’t even squeeze in an end table. So I’m going to buy an elephant?"

The first businessman said, "I could let you have three of them for two grand..."

"Oh," said the other, "now you’re talking!"

dont get :(

tesco

01-17-2005, 03:40 AM

dont get :(
They're saying Jewish men are cheap :P

cpt_azad

01-17-2005, 04:59 AM

ya it means (joke, i'm not in anyway implying jewish ppl are like this) that they will buy anything that's a bargain or a deal.

baccyman

01-17-2005, 02:16 PM

What is the difference between a condom and
coffins?

They both hold stiffs but one's coming and one's
going.

_______________________________________________________________

A Blonde and a Brunette are sitting at a bar
enjoying a can of beer. The Brunette said:

"I smell sperm!"

The Blonde said

"Sorry, I Burped!"
________________________________________________________________

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started
talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said
there would be no excuses for not showing up
tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or
an immediate family member's death. One smart
ass, male student said, "What about extreme
sexual exhaustion?" and the whole classroom
burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher
glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse,
you can use your other hand to write."

________________________________________________________________

What is a blonde's favorite surgery?

A SLIPADICTOME!

ziggyjuarez

01-17-2005, 02:44 PM

What is the difference between a condom and
coffins?

They both hold stiffs but one's coming and one's
going.

:lol:

cpt_azad

01-18-2005, 01:10 AM

A Blonde and a Brunette are sitting at a bar
enjoying a can of beer. The Brunette said:

"I smell sperm!"

The Blonde said

"Sorry, I Burped!"

:lol: :lol:

baccyman

01-18-2005, 05:54 PM

Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.

"Get serious," she replies. "I want four times in the rocking chair!"

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Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Bill says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack. Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?" "Steve's wife gave it to me."

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?" Bill says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, `You must be Steve's widow.`"

She said, "`No, I'm not a widow."

And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"

baccyman

01-18-2005, 06:36 PM

A hunter spots a small brown bear and shoots it. He then feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around, and is face to face with a big black bear. “You’ve got two choices,” says the bear. “I maul you, or we have sex.” The guy opts to take it from the bear. After recovering for two weeks, the pissed-off hunter searches out and shoots the big black bear. Just then he feels another tap on his shoulder, and turns to see a 10-foot grizzly standing over him. “Admit it,” says the bear. “You don’t come here for the hunting, do you?”

cpt_azad

01-19-2005, 02:13 AM

anAmbient

01-19-2005, 01:43 PM

baccyman

01-19-2005, 04:25 PM

the bear thinks that he likes it up the butt

baccyman

01-19-2005, 04:32 PM

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, he said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom

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Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.
His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"

"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!"

"Johnny," the father said, "You don't do those kind of things to women."

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.

Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

cpt_azad

01-20-2005, 01:44 AM

baccyman

01-20-2005, 02:14 PM

The newlywed at the bridge table was bemoaning the fact that she couldn't have children. They gathered around and assured her that she would, but she insisted
" Oh no, I just can't swallow that stuff."

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Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the waterfloated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"........... pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had a cold all winter!"

ziggyjuarez

01-20-2005, 06:00 PM

[QUOTE=baccyman]Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, he said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom
QUOTE]
:lol: pwned

ziggyjuarez

01-20-2005, 06:03 PM

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.
His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"

"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!"

"Johnny," the father said, "You don't do those kind of things to women."

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.

Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

:lol: dirty :shifty:

cpt_azad

01-20-2005, 10:51 PM

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the waterfloated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"........... pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had a cold all winter!"

:lol:

baccyman

01-21-2005, 01:20 PM

Lewis bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that he cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and Lewis was stuck again.
The neighbor suggested he notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again Lewis couldn't tell them apart.

The neighbor suggested he measure the horses for height. When he did, he was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.

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These three women were roommates. One night they had all gone out on dates and they all came home at about the same time.
The first one said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The second one said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck.

"Now THAT'S a good date!"

cpt_azad

01-21-2005, 03:51 PM

lmfao

baccyman

01-22-2005, 03:51 PM

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."

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There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school.
They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and, upon graduation, became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of these two who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why, Timothy?"

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola."

ziggyjuarez

01-22-2005, 04:52 PM

baccyman

01-23-2005, 03:25 PM

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"
"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"

"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"

"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"

"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"

"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jacob Levy had finished his sales rounds for the week and had done very well. So he thought he would give himself a justly deserved reward and went to a brothel.
The Madam said, "Well, you can have this nice Chinese girl over there for $5, then I have a redhead for $10 and this terrific blonde for $15."

Jacob decided to spend $10.

More than thirty years later, Jacob's wife died and he felt lonely, so once again he went to the brothel. He recognized the redhead who was now the Madam, and there was a loud reunion. Whereupon a huge man of about 30 appeared and called out, "Mom, is this guy bothering you?"

"No, no," said the Madam, "in fact, John, I'd like you to meet your father."

"What?" said John, 'this little Jewish guy's my father?"

To which Jacob responded, "Watch your manners! If I hadn't been so generous, you'd have been a Chinaman."

ziggyjuarez

01-23-2005, 03:53 PM

ilw

01-23-2005, 10:47 PM

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola."
non comprende,

cpt_azad

01-24-2005, 07:47 AM

lol

ilw

01-24-2005, 07:01 PM

oh its just dawned on me, but i would never pronounce secola like that + everyone just calls it pepsi.

weak

baccyman

01-24-2005, 09:10 PM

This Blond was flying to Tahiti and noticed that
the First Class section wasn't full, so she went
to first class for a seat. An attendant saw what
happened and went to her and told her that First
Class was for first class ticketed passengers
only, and she would have to return to coach. The
Blond said "I'm Blond, I'm beautiful, I'm flying
to Tahiti and I'm not moving!".

The attendant went up front and told her partner
what happened. The second attendant said "Let me
try" and went to the Blond and told her that
first class was for first class passengers only,
and since she only had a coach ticket, she would
have to return to coach. The Blonde said "I'm
Blond, I'm beautiful, I'm flying to Tahiti and
I'm not moving!".

The two attendants stewed over this and their
supervisor asked what the problem was. They told
the supervisor the problem and the supervisor
said "I'll handle it". The supervisor talked to
the Blond a bit, then leaned over and whispered
in her ear. The Blond said "Oh! I didn't know
that." and got up and went back into coach.

The two attendants asked the supervisor how she
did it, and the supervisor said "It was nothing,
I just told her that First Class didn't go to
Tahiti".
_____________________________________________________________

Q: What's the difference between a blonde an a
bowling ball?

A: You can only fit three fingers in a bowling
ball.
_________________________________________________________________

Three sisters wanted to get married, but their
parents couldn't afford it so they had it on the
same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a
honeymoon so they stayed home. That night the
mother got up becuse she couldn't sleep. When she
went by her oldest daughter's room she heard
screaming. Then she went to her second daughters
room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her
youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear
anything. So the next morning when the men left
the mother asked her oldest daughter. "Why were
you screaming last night?" The daughter said
"Mom you always told me if something hurt I
should scream."

"Thats true." She looked at her second daughter.
"Why were you laghing last night?"

The daughter said "Mom you always said that if
something tickled you should laugh."

"Thats also true." Then the mother looked at her
youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your
room last night?"

The youngest daughter said "Mom you always told
me I should never talk with my mouth full."

baccyman

01-25-2005, 01:34 PM

An older lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. Forlornly, she searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog. As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, "I'm lonely too, buy me and you won't be sorry."
The old Lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car.

Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, "Kiss me, you won't be sorry."

So, the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog.

Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome, young prince. Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned into?

The first motel she could find!

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Here's A Concise Sex Manual For Computer Experts:
1. Be user friendly.

2. Take bytes. (nibbles..hehe)

3. Fondle joystick.

4. Spread sheet.

5. Fix surge protector.

6. Activate hardware.

7. Insert disc, all the way. (yes! yes!)

8. Do it 'til it megabytes.

9. Back it up.

10. Eject floppy.

baccyman

01-25-2005, 02:01 PM

The residents of a southern town keep falling down a deep hole in the middle of the sidewalk on Main Street and always end up dying because the nearest hospital is 40 miles away. The mayor calls a town meeting to address the issue and asks for suggestions. “We need our own hospital!” says one local. “That’s beyond our budget,” answers the mayor. “Anyone else?” “I gots a perfect idea,” says another hick. “Just dig the hole next to the hospital.”

cpt_azad

01-25-2005, 05:28 PM

The youngest daughter said "Mom you always told
me I should never talk with my mouth full."

:lol:

cpt_azad

01-25-2005, 11:13 PM

Jacob Levy had finished his sales rounds for the week and had done very well. So he thought he would give himself a justly deserved reward and went to a brothel.
The Madam said, "Well, you can have this nice Chinese girl over there for $5, then I have a redhead for $10 and this terrific blonde for $15."

Jacob decided to spend $10.

More than thirty years later, Jacob's wife died and he felt lonely, so once again he went to the brothel. He recognized the redhead who was now the Madam, and there was a loud reunion. Whereupon a huge man of about 30 appeared and called out, "Mom, is this guy bothering you?"

"No, no," said the Madam, "in fact, John, I'd like you to meet your father."

"What?" said John, 'this little Jewish guy's my father?"

To which Jacob responded, "Watch your manners! If I hadn't been so generous, you'd have been a Chinaman."

LMFAO

baccyman

01-26-2005, 01:57 PM

"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous man told his psychiatrist.
"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog that we are very attached to."

"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel ummm,... *physically* attracted to my horse!"

"Hmmm," the doctor asked, "Is it male or female?"

"Female, of course!" the man replied. "What do you think I am...GAY?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase.

So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out.

Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage & no bike!"

cpt_azad

01-26-2005, 11:29 PM

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase.

So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out.

Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage & no bike!"

:lol: good one

baccyman

01-27-2005, 01:24 PM

A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing about sex, fell in love with a man and agreed to marry him. As their wedding day approached, she became very nervous about her impending deflowering. Putting her anxiety aside, she decided that she would just marry her man and let him do whatever it was that he wanted to do.
The honeymoon went well and was great fun, but as soon as she got home, she went to see her doctor to question him on some of the new things she’d seen.

"What can I help you with?" he asked.

She said, "Well first, what is that thing between my husband's legs called?"

"Ma’am," he answered, "that there is called a penis."

"I see," she said. "Now what is the big thing on the end of the penis called?"

The old doctor smiled and said, "Why that there is called the head of the penis."

"I do declare!" exclaimed the young woman. "One last question doctor, what are those two big round things about 12 to 14 inches behind the head of the penis?"

He paused and said "I'm not sure about your husband, ma’am, but on me, they’re called the cheeks of my ass."

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Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation."

Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be quite ill."

baccyman

01-28-2005, 01:50 PM

I know I'm really good in bed
because women always ask me if there's any possible way I could make it last longer.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pretty soon, the little ones start asking questions:
Embarrassing ones at that. I remember when my kids asked me, "Where do babies come from."

I tried not to lie to them. I told them the straight facts:

"Carelessness... Pure carelessness."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Jewish lady goes into a furniture store owned by a Jewish man. She picks out a lamp she likes and brings it to the counter.
She finds out the price is $69.95 and says, "Oy, down the street at Goldstein's these are only $49.95!"

The owner asks why she doesn't buy it from Goldstein's, and she says, "Because they just ran out of them."

The owner throws up his hands and says, "Ha! When I'm out of them, they're only $29.95!"

cpt_azad

01-29-2005, 05:26 AM

A Jewish lady goes into a furniture store owned by a Jewish man. She picks out a lamp she likes and brings it to the counter.
She finds out the price is $69.95 and says, "Oy, down the street at Goldstein's these are only $49.95!"

The owner asks why she doesn't buy it from Goldstein's, and she says, "Because they just ran out of them."

The owner throws up his hands and says, "Ha! When I'm out of them, they're only $29.95!"

lol

baccyman

01-29-2005, 01:48 PM

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about eight times. At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, where upon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady answers, "We just love the chocolate around them............."

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A old woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her a drink she says, "It's my birthday today and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink. In fact I'll take care of this one for you."

As the woman finishes her drink a woman to her right says, "I guess I should buy you a drink too."

The 80 year-old woman says, "Alright. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."

"Alright" says the bartender.

As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink I guess I might as well buy you one too."

The old woman says, "Alright, bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."

"Comin' right up" the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am I'm dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?"

The woman replies, "Sonny, you learn that when you're my age, you can hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water!"

cpt_azad

01-29-2005, 11:26 PM

:lol:

rmthegreat88

01-30-2005, 12:06 AM

non comprende,

pope secola

pepsi cola

at least thats what i think

baccyman

01-30-2005, 10:21 AM

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children.

The judge asked for his side of the story, too.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from the chair and replied:

"Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"

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Two sisters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.
Finally the 12-year-old said to her 8-year-old younger sister, "Well, you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel!"

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How Government Works
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

cpt_azad

01-31-2005, 02:16 AM

So they laid off the night watchman.

:lol:

baccyman

01-31-2005, 03:47 PM

A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won't ripen.
There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbor and says,

"Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?"

Her neighbor replies, "Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see."

Well, what the hell? She does it.

Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.

"So, so," she answers. "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all five inches longer."

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The blind date hadn't been all that great and she was relieved the evening was finally over. At her apartment door, he suddenly said, "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?"
Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any underwear.

She glanced down and said, "Nice design...does it also come in men's sizes?"

zedaxax

01-31-2005, 04:11 PM

:lol:
Thanks baccy
i just posted this http://www.filesharingtalk.com/vb3/n90335-.html
as a result of one of your jokes.

baccyman

01-31-2005, 08:33 PM

:lol:
Thanks baccy
i just posted this http://www.filesharingtalk.com/vb3/n90335-.html
as a result of one of your jokes.

your welcome

baccyman

01-31-2005, 08:36 PM

Jerry’s at the urinal in an airport restroom when a guy with no arms sidles up next to him and pleads, "Hey, buddy–can you help me out here?" Though he feels uneasy, Jerry bravely unzips the man, takes a deep breath, and reaches in to pull out the guy’s penis. Much to his horror, it’s hideous. It’s moldy and bluish green, covered with pus-filled scabs, and it reeks something awful. Imagining the kudos he’ll get on Judgment Day, Jerry holds the man’s unit while he finishes urinating, shakes it, then puts it back in the man’s pants and zips him up. The guy tells Jerry, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." "No problem," says Jerry. "But I gotta ask—What the hell’s wrong with your johnson?" The guy pokes his arms back out of his sleeves and says, "I don’t know, but I sure as hell ain’t touching it."

cpt_azad

02-01-2005, 06:36 AM

The guy pokes his arms back out of his sleeves and says, "I don’t know, but I sure as hell ain’t touching it."

:lol: :sick: :lol: :lol:

baccyman

02-01-2005, 11:05 AM

An elderly lady phoned Verizon to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always barked right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog barked loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain and collar.

2. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.

3. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and then urinate on the ground.

4. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which goes to show that some problems can be fixed by just pissing on them.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Because he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man," he said walking up to her, "but in a little while, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars. I would like to have someone to share it with. Will you come home with me?"

The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.

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A middle aged couple is watching TV when an Evangalist comes on and promises to heal the sick.
"If only you would pray with him and place your right hand in the air and place your left hand on the afflicted area."

So the man places his right hand in the air and his left hand on his crotch.

Seeing this, his wife says, "Gee honey, he said 'heal the sick', not raise the dead!"

baccyman

02-02-2005, 01:01 PM

The sheriff of the small town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone. The wealthy man behind the wheel was steaming.
When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the butthole of the world!"

The magistrate looked at him and replied, "And you must be what's passing through."

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An old man and his wife go boating on the river one day. When they reach a fork in the river, the man asks his wife, "Up or down?"
His wife immediately takes off all her clothes and they spend the rest of the afternoon making love in the boat.

The next week they again go boating on the river. When they reach the fork in the river, the man again asks his wife, "Up or down?" But this time she merely answers, "Down."

Puzzled, the man asks her why she took off all her clothes and made love to him when he asked her the same question before.

She replies that last week she wasn't wearing her hearing aid and thought he said "F*ck or drown."

cpt_azad

02-02-2005, 07:47 PM

The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.

:lol: ownag3

baccyman

02-03-2005, 03:45 PM

One Greek living in America says to another, "Do you think you'll ever go back to Greece?"
"No," he answered, "I'll stick with K-Y Jelly."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Morris returns from a long business trip and finds out that his wife has been unfaithful during his time away.
"Who was it?" he yells. "That alta kakker Goldstein?"

"No," replied his wife. "It wasn't Goldstein."

"Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?"

"No, not him."

"Aha! Then it must have been that idiot Rabinovich!"

"No, it wasn't Rabinovich either..."

Morris was now fuming. "What's the matter?" he cried. "None of my friends are good enough for you?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job.
"Okay, honey," the sheriff drawled, "What is 1 and 1?"

"Eleven," she replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." Then the sheriff asked, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?".

"Today and Tomorrow," she replied.

He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?" asked the sheriff.

The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

The sheriff replied, "Well, why don't you go on and work on that one for a while?"

So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her buds were waiting to hear the results of the interview.

The blonde was overjoyed. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

cpt_azad

02-04-2005, 06:16 AM

The blonde was overjoyed. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

:lol:

baccyman

02-04-2005, 04:35 PM

A guy tells his psychiatrist: ‘It was terrible. I was away on business, and I wired my wife that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don’t get it. How could she do this to me?"
"Well," says the psychiatrist, "maybe she didn’t get your telegram."

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Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.

Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.

Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,
Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true.
He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:

Dear God,
This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,
Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.

Leroy

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either, so he wrote another letter.

LETTER 4:

Dear God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,
Leroy

Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now, Leroy was very upset.

He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.

Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room.

He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Leroy began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 5:

I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO

cpt_azad

02-05-2005, 12:23 AM

LETTER 5:

I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO

LMFAO dude that's fuckin hilarious :lol: :lol:

baccyman

02-05-2005, 01:24 PM

An old man was sitting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand. "What are you selling young man?" he asked.
"I'm not selling anything, sir," the young man replied. "I'm a Census Taker."

"A what?" the man asked.

"A Census Taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the United States."

"Well," the man answered, "you're wasting your time with me,
I have no idea."

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An old man wonders away from a nursing home.
It is getting evening time and he comes up upon a bar that looked friendly enough.

He no sooner got inside when a young lady came up to him and asks, "Would you like a drink?"

"I sure would," he responded.

Then she asked him if he wanted to dance, and he quickly agreed.

They were not on the dance floor very long and she whispered in his ear, "Would you like to go home with me?"

"Wow, that's the best deal yet, sure would!"

The next morning he went to confession and said to the priest, "I am 85 years old, and I spent last night with a 28 year old woman."

The priest thought about it and decided that an 85 year old man couldn't have done much damage and said, "Go say 10 Hail Marys."

The man responded, "I can't do that, I am Jewish."

To which the priest responded, "Then what are you doing talking to me?"

"Are you kidding?" replied the old man. "I am 85, and I'm telling everybody I can!"

cpt_azad

02-05-2005, 02:23 PM

lmao

baccyman

02-06-2005, 03:12 PM

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!"

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LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.

MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

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"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

cpt_azad

02-07-2005, 09:15 AM

"But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

teh bitch! :dry: :lol:

sArA

02-07-2005, 10:07 AM

teh bitch! :dry: :lol:

He he....that one could actually work!

/me stores the idea for future use :devil:

baccyman

02-07-2005, 03:17 PM

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses!
The results of this study are pretty interesting:

· 85% of women think their ass is too big...

· 10% of women think their ass is too little...

· The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway

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John was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"
"It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her."

"Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law."

"Maybe," John answered. "But I got mine pregnant."

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You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

cpt_azad

02-07-2005, 11:50 PM

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

:sick: :lol: hahaha

baccyman

02-08-2005, 01:43 PM

You are suffering form what is technically known as an Electra Complex," the psychiatrist is informing his blonde female patient. "In other words, you are in love with your father."
The blonde breaks down into hysterical sobbing.

"Now, now," comforts the shrink. "It's not all that bad."

"Yes..(snif)...yes, it is," the blonde gets out between sobs.

"I have no chance at all...he's a married man!"

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These two Jewish men are sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in the Jewish section of town.
They are talking amongst themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asks them if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth.

The Jewish men are dumbfounded. "My God, where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both think.

After they pay the bill they ask the manager of the store, an old friend also fluent in Yiddish, "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"

The owner looks around and leans in so no one else will hear and says, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."

baccyman

02-08-2005, 02:24 PM

A first-grade class comes in from recess, and the teacher asks a little girl what she did outside. “I played in the sandbox,” she says. “That’s good,” replies the teacher. “Go to the blackboard, and if you can write sand correctly, I’ll give you a cookie.” The girl gets her treat, and the teacher asks a boy wearing a turban what he did during recess. “I tried to play in the sandbox, but everyone threw rocks at me,” he says. “That’s blatant racial discrimination!” says the teacher. “And if you can write blatant racial discrimination on the board, you’ll get a cookie.”

cpt_azad

02-08-2005, 11:06 PM

“And if you can write blatant racial discrimination on the board, you’ll get a cookie.”

LMFAO dude hahahahaa :lol:

teacher = teh bitch :dry:

baccyman

02-09-2005, 03:04 PM

A comedian is sitting at the bar of a comedy club late one night when a beautiful woman comes up to him and says, "I saw you perform tonight, and you’re the funniest guy I’ve ever seen. I want to take you home and give you the hottest night of sex you’re ever had."
The comedian looks at her and says, "Did you see the first show or the second show?"

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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: "Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

The doctor said, "I didn't say that." I said, "You've got a heart murmur. Be careful."

cpt_azad

02-09-2005, 11:37 PM

baccyman

02-10-2005, 01:28 PM

I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. Well, I told him I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo- yo, it never came back!

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint--a Saint Bernard!

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with!

baccyman

02-11-2005, 03:07 PM

One Sunday, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering.
He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front.

Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

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A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"
He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.

When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said,

"That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?"

His wife replies, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass."

rmthegreat88

02-11-2005, 11:20 PM

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"
He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.

When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said,

"That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?"

His wife replies, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass."

omg teh repost! joo fail!!1 </sarcasm>

cpt_azad

02-12-2005, 10:02 AM

wasn't a repost for me :huh:

funny as feck tho :lol:

oh n0s teh r3pos7!!!1 omgwtfbbq!

baccyman

02-12-2005, 08:16 PM

One day, a man comes home from work and greets his wife. Upon seeing him, she asks for $20 to buy meat for dinner.
He leads her to a mirror, holds up the $20 bill and says to her, "Honey, the $20 in the mirror is yours. The other belongs to me."

Satisfied with his "ingenious" remark, he sits back and the incident is forgotten.

The next day, he comes home and greets his wife.

When he goes in the dining room, the table is laden with meats and delicious foods.

Shaken, he asks his wife where she got the money.

She leads him to the same mirror and lifts up her skirt. "See that pussy in the mirror? That one belongs to you. The other belongs to the butcher."

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A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.
Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites. Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were thinking. "That poor old couple."

As the old man began eating his French fries, a young man stood up and walked to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a thing. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal. This time, the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again. After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "'Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered,

"The teeth."

baccyman

02-12-2005, 08:24 PM

Q how do you know when you have a high sperm count.

A your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows .

NeoTheOne

02-12-2005, 09:13 PM

LOL thats great LOL

cpt_azad

02-13-2005, 12:38 AM

lol

baccyman

02-13-2005, 07:04 PM

How To Tell Where A Driver Is From:
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO

2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK

3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY

4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON

5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES

6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: OHIO, but driving in CALIFORNIA

7. Waving at everyone that you pass, eating a moon pie, sipping an RC, smiling and chewing and talking to yourself. TENNESSEE

8. One hand on 12 oz. Double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE

9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS

10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: ALABAMA

11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA

12. Knee up against steering wheel, one hand on Tim Horton's coffee cup, cell phone in ear, accelerator to the floor, applying makeup/doing crossword puzzle/reading morning Free Press, knocking down orange barrels, changing lanes without turn signals: MICHIGAN

cpt_azad

02-13-2005, 11:38 PM

12. Knee up against steering wheel, one hand on Tim Horton's coffee cup, cell phone in ear, accelerator to the floor, applying makeup/doing crossword puzzle/reading morning Free Press, knocking down orange barrels, changing lanes without turn signals: MICHIGAN

:lol:

baccyman

02-14-2005, 12:38 PM

A drunk was discovered late at night crawling along the Boardwalk at Atlantic City. A policeman approached him and asked: "What do you think you are doing?"
He answered: "Officer, I am going to climb this ladder, if it takes me all night!"

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A manufacturer's technician was in a small town in the Carolinas, repairing some new specialized machinery, when his trip was suddenly prolonged for an extra month due to some problems in completing the job.
He was already getting bored with the the town. It seemed as if they rolled up the streets and turned out the lights by ten o'clock. Over the course of the extra month he was getting very homesick.

Finally, he gave in to temptation and visited the local brothel on the outskirts of town.

He entered and handed the madam a hundred dollar bill and requested, "Give me the worst performing , most lethargic, disinterested whore in the house?"

The madam says, "Well yes, but for this kind of money, you can have the best we have if you like."

"No, no," says our boy, "you don't understand, I'm not horny, I'm married and just homesick."

baccyman

02-14-2005, 07:25 PM

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with spectacular breasts and offers her $100 to let him bite them. Are you nuts? she scoffs. What about for $1,000? he asks. Listen, you sick pig, she says. I'm not that kind of woman. You wouldn't even do it for $10,000? the man asks hopefully. You'll pay me $10,000 to bite my breasts? she asks. OK, let's go over to that dark alley. Once there she takes off her blouse, and the guy begins caressing her breasts, kissing them, and fondling them. Hey, are you gonna bite them or what? she huffs. Nah, he shrugs. Too expensive.

cpt_azad

02-14-2005, 11:56 PM

"No, no," says our boy, "you don't understand, I'm not horny, I'm married and just homesick."

:lol: lmao

baccyman

02-15-2005, 03:29 PM

My doctor canceled me as a patient.
He said I'd gone too long without having anything expensive.

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There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farmhand working with him to help castrate his sheep.
As the farmer castrated the first sheep, the French farmhand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash.

"No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up, and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!"

The farmhand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper. This went on for three days....and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper

On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper.

He asked his wife where the farmhand was, and she replied, "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries, and he ran like hell!"

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At a rape trial the young victim was asked by the D.A. what the defendant said before the alleged assault. Too embarrassed to answer aloud, the victim asked if she could write out the answer. After reading the note, the judge instructed the jury foreman to read it and pass it among the rest of the jurors.
One juror, who had dozed off, was nudged by the woman juror sitting next to him. He took the note from her and read, "I'm going to f*** you like you've never been f***d before."

The juror smiled at the woman and slipped the note in his pocket.

"Will juror number 12 please pass the note to me!" ordered the judge.

"I can't, Your Honor," the juror answered. "It's personal."

cpt_azad

02-15-2005, 11:59 PM

HAHAHAHA :lol:

baccyman

02-16-2005, 01:06 PM

A man goes to see his doctor. The doctor asks what is wrong and the man says, "Doctor, I think I'm a moth." To this the doctor responds, "You think you're a moth? Well I don't think you need a doctor. Sounds like what you need is a therapist." "Yeah I know," replies the patient. "I was on my way to see a therapist, but I came in here because I saw your light was on."
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Once there was a prostitute who had three different rates based on the following three conditions:
1) $100.00 to do it on the grass.

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2) $200.00 to do it on a couch.
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3) $300.00 to do it in the bed.
In the morning a British bloke walks in and slaps a $100 note on the table. So they went out and did it on the grass.

Soon, an American fellow walks in and slaps a $200 note on the table. So they head for the couch and did it there.

About the end on the day, a Jamaican man walks in and slaps $300 on the table.Happy from seeing the money the prostitute says, "Wow, you have class"

The Jamaican responds, "Class mi ass... Three times pon the grass."

cpt_azad

02-17-2005, 07:15 AM

Once there was a prostitute who had three different rates based on the following three conditions:
1) $100.00 to do it on the grass.

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2) $200.00 to do it on a couch.
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3) $300.00 to do it in the bed.
In the morning a British bloke walks in and slaps a $100 note on the table. So they went out and did it on the grass.

Soon, an American fellow walks in and slaps a $200 note on the table. So they head for the couch and did it there.

About the end on the day, a Jamaican man walks in and slaps $300 on the table.Happy from seeing the money the prostitute says, "Wow, you have class"

The Jamaican responds, "Class mi ass... Three times pon the grass."

LMFAO :lol:

baccyman

02-17-2005, 01:35 PM

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope...due to inflation, constant down-sizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

"The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time and is faithful. That's what I wish for ... a good mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that map again."

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One day a teacher went into her classroom and saw the word "penis" written in small letters on the chalkboard. She erased it and went on with the day's lesson.
The next day, she came in and saw the same word on the chalkboard, but a little bigger. She erased it and went on with her lesson.

Each of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find "penis" on the board, a little larger each time. She went in one morning, expecting to find it again, but instead the chalkboard read :

"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

Cheese

02-17-2005, 05:49 PM

Lol

manker

02-17-2005, 06:59 PM

Lol
:lol:

cpt_azad

02-18-2005, 12:39 AM

baccyman

02-18-2005, 04:14 PM

"Guess what I heard in the bar today?" a man asks his wife upon returning home.
"They think the milkman has slept with every woman on our block except one."

His wife replies, "I'll bet it's that stuck-up Phyllis in No. 23."

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A guy is 77 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." He looked around and could not see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice again, "Pick me up."
He looked in the water and there floating on the top was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you could ever have dreamed of."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, "What are you nuts, didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Naah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

cpt_azad

02-19-2005, 12:01 AM

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Naah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

:lol:

baccyman

02-19-2005, 04:09 PM

A woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he is still a virgin. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback.
They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get."

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A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage.
He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip." The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.

The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."

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Proof That Sex IS Good Exercise It has been known for many years that Sex was good exercise, but until now nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric content of different sexual activities. Now after many years of "original and proprietary" research we are proud to present the following results.
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands........................ 8 Calories
With one hand.......................... 12 Calories
With your teeth........................ 85 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection....................... 6 Calories
Without an erection.................... 315 Calories

PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris............ 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot.............. 92 Calories
He Actually Found the G-Spot........... 186 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary............................ 12 Calories
69 lying down......................... 78 Calories
69 standing up........................ 112 Calories
Wheelbarrow........................... 216 Calories
Doggy Style........................... 326 Calories
Ceiling Fan........................... 912 Calories

ORGASMING:
Real.................................. 112 Calories
False................................. 315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging................... 18 Calories
Cleaning Up............................ 24 Calories
Getting up immediately................. 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately............................ 816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are: 20-29 years old............ 36 Calories
30-39 years............................ 80 Calories
40-49 years............................ 124 Calories
50-59 years............................ 972 Calories
60-69 years............................ 2916 Calories
70 and over............................ Results are still pending

GETTING DRESSED AFTERWARDS:
Calmly................................ 32 Calories
In a hurry............................ 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door.. 1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door... 3521 Calories

baccyman

02-20-2005, 07:26 PM

A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Now, here’s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?"
---Henny Youngman

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A BLONDE woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The woman says, "God help us! Has it come to this?

Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists

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Randy was in the hospital for tests. At 11:00 AM, they brought him soup for lunch. He refused it. At 2:00 PM, they again tried to serve him some soup, which he refused.
Again, at 5:00 PM and 7:00 PM, they tried, and both times Randy turned down the soup, so they gave up. In preparation for the next day's tests, they entered his room at 3:00 AM, 4:30 AM, and 6:00 AM and gave him an enema each time.

When Randy got home from the hospital after the tests, he told his wife, "Whatever you do, if you go to that hospital and they try to serve you soup, take it. If you refuse it, they sneak in while you're asleep and shove it up your ass."

cpt_azad

02-20-2005, 10:22 PM

When Randy got home from the hospital after the tests, he told his wife, "Whatever you do, if you go to that hospital and they try to serve you soup, take it. If you refuse it, they sneak in while you're asleep and shove it up your ass."

:lol:

baccyman

02-21-2005, 05:34 PM

A woman is on one of those funeral cruises where the ashes of loved ones may be dumped into the sea.
She had been married to a real cheapskate, who after 30 years of marriage finally died.

The lady had her husband cremated, at his wishes, because he felt a plot would cost too much.

After the memorial services, she went to the railing and poured his ashes out into her hands and started talking to him.

"Henry," she said, "you know that mink cape I wanted all my life? Well your company sold for so much that now I have bought myself a beautiful full length mink coat."

"And Henry," she said, "you know that trip to the Caribbean I always wanted to take? Well, I took a world cruise for 90 days and it was wonderful!"

"And Henry," she continued, "you know that big blue Cadillac I had been hoping for the last 5 years? Well I bought a Rolls Royce instead and it drives like a dream."

"Oh, and Henry," she said, "you know that blow job you always wanted?" and she blew the ashes out of her hands into the sea . . .

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Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

cpt_azad

02-22-2005, 02:19 AM

hahahaha

baccyman

02-22-2005, 05:10 PM

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head.

"Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

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A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.

The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.

"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband!"

baccyman

02-22-2005, 09:58 PM

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."
They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy.
"It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant,
"I am officially the smallest person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated,
"Who the f*** is this Camilla Parker Bowles?"

cpt_azad

02-23-2005, 01:32 AM

"Who the f*** is this Camilla Parker Bowles?"

lmfao :lol:

baccyman

02-23-2005, 04:21 PM

In a small town in Tennessee, Big Bubba decides it's time for his son, 14 year old Billy Bob, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor.
Bubba introduces Billy Bob to the madam, and explains that it's time for his indoctrination to sex."

The madam says, "Bubba you've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to see to this personally."

So the madam takes Billy Bob by the hand and leads him upstairs, where she completes his deflowering.

Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam says, "Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave, I'm going to give you a manicure."

Two weeks later Bubba and Billy Bob run into the madam on the main street. Billy Bob is acting a little shy. so the madam smiles and says,

"Well, Billy Bob, don't you remember me?"

"Yes ma'am," the boy stammers, "You're the lady that gave me the crabs and then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."

baccyman

02-24-2005, 04:40 PM

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No sh*t! What happened next?'"

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A Christian, a Moslem, and a Jewish man, all very pious, met at an interfaith congress and got to talking about the experiences that had lead to their religious devotion.
The Christian recounted being on a plane when it ran into a terrible storm over a remote wilderness area. "There was lightening and thunder all around us. The pilot told us to brace for the crash. I dropped to my knees and prayed to God to save us. Then for a thousand feet all around us the wind calmed and the rain stopped. We made it to the airport. And since then my faith has never wavered."

The Moslem then told of a terrifying incident on his pilgrimage to Mecca. "A tremendous sandstorm came up out of nowhere, and within minutes my camel and I were almost buried. Sure I was going to die, I prostrated myself toward Mecca and prayed to Allah to deliver me. And suddenly, for a thousand feet all around me, the swirling dust settled and I was able to make my way safely across the desert. Since then I have been the most devout of believers."

Nodding respectfully, the Jewish man then told his story. "One Sabbath I was walking back from the temple when I saw a huge sack of money just lying there at the edge of the road. It had clearly been abandoned, and I felt it was mine to take home. But obviously this would have been a violation of the Sabbath. So I dropped to my knees and prayed to Yahweh. And suddenly, for a thousand feet all around me, it was Tuesday."

baccyman

02-25-2005, 03:32 PM

A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney".

cpt_azad

02-26-2005, 12:43 AM

hahahaha :lol:

baccyman

02-26-2005, 03:09 PM

A realty salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water.
"That customer is going to come back here pretty mad," he said to his manager. "Should I give him his money back?"

"Money back?" roared the manager... "What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat!"

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An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years.?"
"Yes," he replies. "Fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds."

"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?"

So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago."

"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"

baccyman

02-27-2005, 01:58 PM

A friend of mine used alcohol as a substitute for women. You know what happened?
He got his penis stuck in the neck of the bottle!

baccyman

02-28-2005, 03:54 PM

The Facts:
From The Kinsey Report - "Sexual Behavior In The Human Male"

98% of males (including married men) admitted to masturbating.

Average: 3 times per week. (and... 85% admitted premarital sex; 50% admitted adultery)

Current population - 132,090,689 Men in the United States

ASSUMPTIONS:

1. It takes at least ten minutes (on average) for a man to masturbate.

LET'S DO THE NUMBERS:

132,090,689 men in the United States X 3 wack-offs/week = 396,272,067 wack-offs/week

6 ten-minute-periods/hour X 24hours/day X 7days/week = 1,008 ten-minute-periods/week

396,272,067 wack-offs/week / 1,008 ten-minute-periods/week = 393,127 wack-offs/ten-minute-period

393,127 wack-offs/ten-minute-period X 98% (Kinsey Factor) = 385,265 wack-offs/ten-minute-period

CONCLUSION:

At any given moment (on average), 385,265 men in the United States are wacking-off.

So, be careful who you shake hands with!

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Two Newfies go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener.
The first Newfie turns to the second and says, "You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."

"No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food."

"I promise I won't," says the Newfie. "Just hurry!"

Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second Newfie. Exasperated and starving, the first Newfie digs into the sandwiches.

Suddenly, the second Newfie pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it! I'm not freaking going!"

baccyman

03-01-2005, 03:47 PM

A recent Scottish immigrant to the U.S. attended his first baseball game. After a base hit, he heard the fans roaring, "Run...run!"
The next batter connected heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stood up and roared with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-r-un yah bahstard. R-r-run!"

A third batter slammed a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screamed, "R-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya."

The next batter's count went to three and two. As the next pitch went outside the plate, he held his swing. The umpire called a walk and the Scotsman stood up yelling, "R-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans giggled quietly and he sat down, confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispered, "He didn't have to run, he's got four balls."

After this explanation the Scotsman stood up in disbelief and screamed, "Walk PR-R-ROUD, man! Walk proud!"

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A newly wed couple had just had an argument coming home from the reception. Driving along in silence they pass a farm with all kinds of animals on it. Breaking the silence, the husband asks: "Relatives?" and without missing a beat the wife replies: "Yes, in-laws."

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A woman was in a sex boutique shopping for vibrators when the clerk said, "Perhaps you might be interested in this one. It's our most realistic model."
The woman said, "You mean it's shaped exactly like a man's penis?"

"No," the clerk replied, "I mean that after five minutes it goes soft for the rest of the night."

baccyman

03-02-2005, 01:14 PM

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she should have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

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A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?"
He said, "Call for backup."

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An eye-doctor was having his 40th birthday, and gathered lots of friends and family in his house. His wife had made him a surprise cake, and led her husband blindfolded to a table where the cake was placed.
Eagerly the doctor removed and looked down on the cake, and immediately burst into a crazed laughter, for there in front of him was a huge cake, with 40 marzipan eyes!

The guest, asked him why he laughed, and after some minutes of laughing and whipping his eyes, the doctor said:

"I'm just thinking of my buddy who will be 50 next week, who is a gynecologist!"

baccyman

03-03-2005, 05:10 PM

Joe was in the corner bar having a few when his friend Phil dropped in and joined him. It didn't take long for Phil to notice a string hanging out of the back of Joe's shirt collar that his friend kept tugging on.
Finally Phil couldn't contain his curiousity, and asked, "What the hell's that string for?"

"Two weeks ago I had a date with that dish, Linda," Joe explained, "and when I got her into the sack, would you believe I couldn't get it up? Made me so mad that I tied this string to my unit, and every time I think of how it let me down, I pull the string and make it kiss my ass."

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What is a CAT?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a DOG?

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss!

CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

baccyman

03-04-2005, 03:31 PM

Woman goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk for two AA batteries.
The clerk gestures with his fingers and says, "Come this way," and heads towards the back of the store.

"If I could come that way," she tells the retreating clerk, "I wouldn't need the batteries."

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A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York. She had just finished showering to dress for dinner and noticed that she had neglected to pack her bras. She asked her husband to go down to the dress shop in the lobby and pick up a couple of 36-C bras.
He said, "Ah'l go down raht now." So he put on his ten gallon hat and went to the shop.

The saleslady said, "May I help you, sir?"

When he told her that he wanted two 36-C bras, she asked, "Would you like two Playtex?" He answered, "Ah'd luv ta little lady, but mah wife's a'waitin fur me up in the room."

baccyman

03-05-2005, 04:08 PM

John receives a phone call.
"Hello," he answers.

The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."

John: "hmmm... Susan? You say we met 3 months ago?"

Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party gave me a ride home. On the way home, we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport."

John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are have you been?"

Susan: "Well, I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."

John: "Say, you really ARE a good sport!"

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On the occasion of their fiftieth wedding anniversary, Billy-Bob decided to forego a big party and treat Linda-Sue to a memorable evening at home. Quietly filling the bathtub with champagne, he called her into the bathroom and they spent a sensual evening soaking in the tub by candlelight.
When they were finished, Billy-Bob decided he couldn't let all that expensive champagne go to waste, so he carefully poured it back into the empty bottles. However, when he was finished, he found he had nearly a half-bottle too much.

He screamed to his wife, "Linda-Sue, you NASTY BITCH, you DIDN'T?!?"

baccyman

03-07-2005, 01:30 PM

The country doctor was just returning from a delivery at an outlying cattle ranch, when he crossed paths with the town's gossip.
"Doctor Wilson, how is the Smith baby?"

"Well, the child was born without a penis."

"Oh my goodness!" said the gossip, and with a smile on her face, she turned to head into town to spread the news.

Before she could take off to spread the news, the doctor quickly grabbed her arm, bent his head over and whispered in her ear, "But she'll have a damn nice place to put one in 20 years!"

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A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm.
"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.

So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a check!"

"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."

So the man and the woman leave.

On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged, "How dare you show your face here! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"

"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"