Best of the best Family Guy Quotes

[cpt_azad]

Quotes, not quote so it can be more than one. I'll start it off:


Lois: Together we can do anything: face any foe, overcome any obstacle.
Peter: Yeah, climb any mountain, rent any video, dial any phone. And not just our phone, Lois, other people's phones. Decent phones, God-fearing phones, phones that everybody else gave up on, but we knew better because we were a team!
Brian: What the hell are you talking about?

[asmithz]

Lois: You're drunk again.
Peter: No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking.

[Rip The Jacker]

IRS Lady: Well sir, I'm afraid that your not qualified for a tax refund.
Peter: AAAHHHHH... ohh sorry, i still haven't gotten over the loss of party of five.
IRS Lady: Well as I was saying you are not getting a tax refund.
Peter: AAAHHHHHH... oh Party of Five. What were you saying?
IRS Lady: You're not intitled for a tax refund.
Peter: AAHHHHH!
IRS Lady: Was that for Party of Five again?
Peter: No, that was for my tax refund! What the hell is Party of Five!?


Brian: Hola, me Ilamo es brian ... Nosotros caramos ir condustedes.. uhhhh ...
Bellboy(spanish): Hey, that was pretty good, except when you said "me llamo es Brian," you don't need the "es," just me llamo Brian.
Brian: Oh, oh you speak english
Bellboy (sigh): No, just that first speech and this one explaining it.
Brian: You .... you're kidding me, right?
Bellboy(spanish): Que?

:lol:

[pusher]

Peter: This is it; this is life! The one you get, so go and have a ball.
'Cause the world don't move to the beat of just one drum.
What may be right for you may not be right for some.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take 'em both and there you have -
my opening statement.

Sit, Ubu, sit.

Good dog

[cpt_azad]

hahaha, nice one pusher.

heres another:



Lois: Come on Stewie, you know you can't leave the table until you finish your vegetables.
Stewie: Well, then I shall sit here until one of us expires, and you've got a good forty years on me, woman.
Lois: Sweetie, it's broccoli, it's good for you. Now open up for the airplane ...
Stewie: Never! Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright brothers.


-----

Lois: A woman is not an object.
Peter: Your mother is right, son. Listen to what it says.
Lois: Peter!

-----

Death: Hey Lois, what did you make this cocoa out of, crap?
Lois: If you want me to make it again, just --
Death: Oh, I'm sorry. I just thought you were going to make it with milk, not crap.



:lol:

[{I}{K}{E}]

Glen Quagmire: Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time.


Glen Quagmire: Hi, Meg. Eighteen yet?
Meg Griffin: No.
Glen Quagmire: Just checkin'.

[DarthInsinuate]

Peter: (to Brian) Holy crap you can talk!

[david622]

Lois: You know, Peter, sometimes I think I married a child
**Flashback to Lois and Peter's wedding**
Peter: Milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner fudge is made.... (stupid laugh)
**End Flashback**
Peter: Well, if you married a child, you know what that makes you? A petaphile. And I'll be damned if I have to stand here and be lectured by a pervert.

[mike45450]

Peter: (to Brian) Holy crap you can talk!

Rofl :lol:

----

Louis: Oh Peter, i care about the size of your penis as much as you care about the size of my breasts

Peter: Oh my god! *runs off*

----

Tom's son: What's that daddy?

Tom Tucker: Well son, that's Mercury, the closest planet to the sun. What it's doing down here by the wharf i haven't the foggiest. Maybe we should ask a scientist....

Peter: I'm a guy you jackass!

[cpt_azad]

Tom's son: What's that daddy?

Tom Tucker: Well son, that's Mercury, the closest planet to the sun. What it's doing down here by the wharf i haven't the foggiest. Maybe we should ask a scientist....

Peter: I'm a guy you jackass!


LMAO :lol:

here's another good one:


Stewie: Augh! What the hell do you think you're doing?
Brian: I'm cleaning myself.
Stewie: You were clean fifteen minutes ago, now you're just on vacation.

[pusher]

Chris: Dad, what if I told you I didn't want to be in the scouts anymore?
Peter: I'd say, "Come again?" Then I'd laugh 'cause I said "come."
----

Peter: Big money, big money, no whammies, no whammies, STOP!

----

[JordoR]

Peter: Is Your Refridgerator Running? Well if it is it probably runs like you, very homosexually.

[cpt_azad]

Peter: You don't have to quit the force. I mean, you could get a desk job. Eh? You could be a desk.

:lol:

[silent h3ro]

Peter: Is Your Refridgerator Running? Well if it is it probably runs like you, very homosexually. :lol: :lol:

[cpt_azad]

lol that's a classic :lol:

[DarthInsinuate]

Peter: Whoa pal, I don't take coupons from chickens. Not after last time...

meh, you probably know the rest

[cpt_azad]

Peter: Whoa pal, I don't take coupons from chickens. Not after last time...

meh, you probably know the rest


ya, that scene i dont think anyone can forget (assuming they've watched it)

[cpt_azad]

Peter: Can't we tell them that your mother died?
Lois: Peter, I'm not gonna lie about something like that.
Peter: All right, all right, I'll kill your mother.

:lol:

[cpt_azad]

last quote for today b4 i go 2 bed:


Peter: Sorry Meg. Daddy loves ya, but Daddy also loves Star Trek, and in all fairness, Star Trek was here first.

[mike45450]

Chris: Dad, what's the blow-hole for?
Peter: I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.


Vacuum repairman: There you go, all fixed. Turns out a half-eaten meatball was clogging up the intake.
Peter: Oh. Well, did you save it?
Vacuum repairman: Uh, no.
Peter: You bastard.


Peter: I got an idea, an idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about.


Peter (to Meg): Remember that pony you wanted when you were 6? Well I've been waitin for a time like this.
(opens closet door and a skeleton of a pony is there)
Peter: Oh, oh god, that's right ponies, ponies like food.

:lol:

[cpt_azad]

Quote:

Vacuum repairman: There you go, all fixed. Turns out a half-eaten meatball was clogging up the intake.
Peter: Oh. Well, did you save it?
Vacuum repairman: Uh, no.
Peter: You bastard.




Quote:

Peter: I got an idea, an idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about.




LMAO

[Shiranai_Baka]

Lois: Its Stewie, he peed on the carpet
Peter: Do I.. Do I hit him?
Lois: No!
Stewie: Come down mother.
Lois: Yes Honey?
*SMACK*
Stewie: HOW DARE YOU SULLY MY GOOD NAME BY SPREADING YOUR SLANDEROUS FILTH?!
Lois: Stewie! no hitting. Use your words

[pusher]

:after walking in on Brian masturbating:

Peter: Was he just ma--?
Lois: Yes
Peter: Do we...Do we rub his nose in it?
-----

Stewie: Oh look! It's Cirrhosis: The Wonder Dog!
Brian: I'm not drunk, alright? I just have a speech impediment. (vomits) And a stomach virus. (falls to the floor) And an inner-ear infection.
---

Tom Tucker: Get used to this sight, Diane: guys running away from you!
Diane: Tom, you're so deep in the closet you're finding Christmas presents!
----

Quagmire: What? ... Fat chicks need love too. But they gotta pay.

[cpt_azad]

Quagmire: What? ... Fat chicks need love too. But they gotta pay.


:lol:

quag: you could whore yourself out to 50 fat chicks for 1000 dollars. or 5 really fat chicks for 10000.

LMAO

[cpt_azad]

Meg Griffin: You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me.
Death: Well that would just leave England.

:lol:

and i await the flaming >_<

[david622]

i got two of em i just thought of

Mr. Fargus: Well it's no wonder this clown's dead.... his lungs are filled with CANDY!!!!

--------

Meg: Mom, this might be a bad idea. Last time you left dad home alone he turned the house into a giant puppet.

[JordoR]

Meg: Dad, if I don't get my driver's license, I'll never have any boyfriends, I'll never get married and I'll have to adopt a kid like Rosie O'Donnell.

Peter: Meg ... are you implying that Rosie O'Donnell cant drive?

:lol:

[cpt_azad]

i got two of em i just thought of

eg: Mom, this might be a bad idea. Last time you left dad home alone he turned the house into a giant puppet.


Bring me a toolshed for I am hungry :lol: :lol: :lol:

[pusher]

:lol:

quag: you could whore yourself out to 50 fat chicks for 1000 dollars. or 5 really fat chicks for 10000.

LMAO

LOL
I was looking for that part.

Interviewer: So, where do you see yourself in five years?
Peter: (thinking: Don't say doin' your wife, don't say doin' your wife, don't say doin' your wife.) Doin' your... son?
-------

Tom Tucker: Next up, our report on the clitoris. Nature's rubix cube.
-------
Stewie: Yea and God said to Abraham, "You will kill your son Isaac." And Abraham said, "I can't hear you, you'll have to speak into the microphone." And God said, "Oh I'm sorry, Is this better? Check, check, check... Jerry, pull the high end out, I'm still getting some hiss back here."

[cpt_azad]

LOL
I was looking for that part.

Interviewer: So, where do you see yourself in five years?
Peter: (thinking: Don't say doin' your wife, don't say doin' your wife, don't say doin' your wife.) Doin' your... son?
-------

Stewie: Yea and God said to Abraham, "You will kill your son Isaac." And Abraham said, "I can't hear you, you'll have to speak into the microphone." And God said, "Oh I'm sorry, Is this better? Check, check, check... Jerry, pull the high end out, I'm still getting some hiss back here."

L M F A O :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[pusher]

Meg: whistling her birdcalls
Big Bird: Yeah? What do you want? You called me right?
Meg: Oh, no. I wasn't calling you. (laughs nervously)
Big Bird: Oh, oh, this is funny to you? Y-yeah? Y-you know what pain in the ass is to get across town this time a day, huh?... I don't fly you know. I take the subway like everbody else. Oh and people don't stare. You make me puke,
[spits]
bitch
----------------------
Stewie: Ah yes, 867-5309, that's it. No wait, that's not it. Damn you, Tommy Tutone! Alright, there's only one thing left to do, 111-1111. Lois? Damn. 111-1112. Lois? Damn! 111-1113
----------------------
(This isn't the exact quote)
Stewie: I said egg-whites only! Are you trying to give me a bloody heatattack!? Make it again!
(later in an interview)
Ah... The breakfast thing. Yes. It wasn't even about the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks. I don't... I have no problem.... It's just there's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much I want to "kill" her. It's just I want her not to be alive anymore. Uh... I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. And then I think to myself, "My God! Wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual?"

[Monkeee]

News Lady: So what do you think about the Griffins?
Quagmire: They're Lying cheating basturds!
Quagmire: Well ALRIGHT!!!!
Quagmire: wait wait a minute! its not ALRIGHT!!

:lol: :lol:

[pusher]

News Lady: So what do you think about the Griffins?
Quagmire: They're Lying cheating basturds!
Quagmire: Well ALRIGHT!!!!
Quagmire: wait wait a minute! its not ALRIGHT!!

:lol: :lol:

:lol:

Quagmire: Why hello, lips, legs, breasts, and ass!

[Monkeee]

Quagmire: How Old are you
High School Girl: 16
Quagmire: 18!?!?
Quagmire: Your First!
High School Girl: Mom!!!
Quagmire. I Like where this is going... :shifty:
Quagmire: Gigity Gigty G-I-G-I-T-Y

:lol:

[cpt_azad]

lol that's awesome :lol:




Quagmire: Heh, hey baby, show me the lower eastside
Chick/Guy: (in man's voice) Well hey there cutie.
Quagmire: AHHH! Transvasite, backoff!..............Wait pre-op or post-op?
Chick/Guy: (in man's voice) Pre-op.
Quagmire: AHHH! Transvasite, backoff!

----------

Quagmire: Ok ok, try me now.
Brian: Lets see here...you ate a chicken pasta, went to a Sheraton hotel where you made love to 2 phillipino women and one phillipino man.
Quagmire: Hahaha, you mean 3 phillipino women.
Brian: ..............
Quagmire: .....Oh god, oh god......oh dear god.... (runs away)

[joker23]

not sure how it goes but when stewie is eating infront of chris when hes on a diet and stewie starts moaning " YES YES OH GOD YES........OH GOD" and so on then brian says" ill have what hes having".... sumthing like that that part is sooooo funny!!!

[cpt_azad]

"it's practically orgasmic"

:lol:

[Monkeee]

Stewy: O Gawd Its like an ORGY in my mouth

[Rip The Jacker]

When Stewie is all fat and eating ice cream outside...

"Damn you ice cream. Come to my mouth. How dare you disobey me... What are you looking at? Damn you all... and such.... zzzzzzzz."

:lol:

[cpt_azad]

ya :lol: it goes like this:

Stewie: "Damn you, ice cream, come to my mouth. How dare you disobey me!
What are you looking at, you infantile, stupid, that's right, damn you and such. You can go (yawning) burn in hell."

than the ice cream falls on his stomach :lol:

[Rip The Jacker]

ya :lol: it goes like this:

Stewie: "Damn you, ice cream, come to my mouth. How dare you disobey me!
What are you looking at, you infantile, stupid, that's right, damn you and such. You can go (yawning) burn in hell."

than the ice cream falls on his stomach :lol:
Yeah thats how it goes, that was great. :lol:

[pusher]

Peter: (in Lethal Weapons after he rails against the television industry) And shame on the people who put that crap on the air!
Lois: Peter... maybe you shouldn't make fun of the networks.
Peter: Why? What are they gonna do, cut our budget?
(walks away as a paper cut-out)
------------
Brian: ... Thomas Mann fled to America because of Nazi-ism's stranglehold on Germany.
Tour Guide: I will hear no more insinuations about the German people! Nothing bad happened! Sie werden sich hinsetzen. Sie werden ruhig sein. Sie werden nicht beleidigen Deutschland! (Throws hand up in Hitler salute)
Brian: Is that a beerhall?
Tour Guide: Ah, yes. Munich is renowned for it's historic beer halls.
-----------

From 'Too Different to Ever Be Pals' from "Road to Europe"

Your favorite hero is the Marquis de Sade
I bet money, you'll marry a honey, who's pretty and funny, and her name will be 'Ted'

[Monkeee]

LOL i remember my favorite one!

Social Worker: Glen honey I have a question for you. What do you do for a living?

Quagmire: Hey I have a question for you too. Why are you still here?

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Peter: Wiat a minute! Meg when did you become a teenager?
Lois: Shes 16 Peter.
Peter: You knew about this?

:lol:

[cpt_azad]

lol :lol:

here's another classic:



Vacuum Cleaner Guy: Ya, I found the problem. Seems that half eaten meatball was clogging up the airway, but no worries, I fixed it.
Peter: Did you, did you keep the meatball?
Vacuum Cleaner Guy: No....
Peter: .......You bastard.


or this:



Peter: Damn it to hell, son of a bitch, crap crap, piss, damn it
Lois: Peter, don't swear, it's inappropriate.
Peter: Ya? Well sometimes it is (flashback)

FLASHBACK:

Courtroom Officer: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you god?
Peter: I do........you bastard.

:lol:

[ofbz]

sales agent: you can choose between the boat... or the mistery box *shows him a small box*
peter: ohhh
lois: pick the boat! pick the boat!
peter: i would lois... but the mistery box could be anything.... even the boat we've always wanted!!!
*peter takes the mistery box and its only 2 crappy concert tickets*

anything related to the "evil monkey that lives in the closet"

[pusher]

Therapist: Does Stewie have a history of violent behavior?
Lois: No! Attacking Peter is the first violent thing he's done.
Stewie: Actually, my first violent act involved that ticking time bomb that I left in your uterus when I left. Happy 50th Birthday, Lois.

-----

Stewie Griffin: Damn it! I want pancakes! God! You people understand every language except English. Yo quiero pancakes. Donnez-moi pancakes. Click-click-bloody click pancakes!

-----

Stewie: Oh my god! I've been adopted by a Beneton ad!

-----

Peter Griffin: The South? Isn't that where the black people are really lazy, and the white people are equally as lazy, but they're mad at the black people for being so lazy?

-----

Meg Griffin: Brian, you look like you lost weight! What is your secret?
Brian Griffin: Here's my secret. Put down the fork! Face!

[cpt_azad]

Lois: Stewie, you have to finish your vegetables. Now, open up for the airplane Stewie. (trying to feed stewie brocolli)
Stewie: Damn you, damn the brocolli, and damn the Wright Brothers!

:lol: lmao that's a classic.

[david622]

anything related to the "evil monkey that lives in the closet"

Chris: You know, it's a real shame about that monkey. He wasn't always evil.
--FLASHBACK:
Evil Monkey: Honey, I'm home! **sees his wife monkey with a different man monkey** **Points and glares evily**
--