Not one word of this was written by me.
I just thought it may possibly amuse the odd one or two who don't have their heads too far up their own asses (sic) at the moment.
Due to popular demand and without further adieu we bring you
a brief history of America at war.
P.S. I have no idea who wrote this.
Plagiarisingly,
TZ
The Anglo-Dutch wars: This marks the first real time that the
place we think of as America went to war. This was primarily
because Indians were getting so scarce on the coast that they
could only be massacred in season, and the colonists needed
something to do to pass the time. As a consequence they cheered
as All-American Hero the Duke of York marched into a tiny Dutch
trading post at the mouth of the Hudson, leading those brave
All-American boys shipped from over the Atlantic onwards to
victory.
The Seven Years War*: Known in America as the French and Indian
war, primarily because a good part of the war consisted of the
French fighting the Indians, while Americans sat on the side-
lines wondering which one would be the easier to massacre. (The
official reason for calling it the French and Indian war is
because of how it was started by Austria trying to win land
off Prussia). The colonists were particularly keen to start
the war, and promptly saw their militia slaughtered by the
French and Indians, who decided to team up just to give
foreigners something to laugh about in later years. After this
the war consisted mainly of the Americans waiting for the
Household cavalry to appear over the horizon and win the day,
which they do over the space of approximately 90 minutes on
a bank holiday weekend in 1759. Already we can see a rule
forming here- without significant foreign military aid America
has severe trouble beating an enemy wielding anything more
deadly than a beach parasol.
American War of Independence™*: The Seven Years war led to
the formation of the second rule of American warfare- there's
always someone to fight. Without the French in Canada or the
Spanish in Florida, there was only one option- fight them-
selves! Using the convenient excuse of being taxed to pay for
their own defence, Americans decided to throw off the
oppressive chains of British imperial domination that would
later turn Canada into a 1984-style hell. New England rednecks
scored impressive victories over regular British forces
commanded by inbred incompetents with desires of beating the
Russians in the Worst Officer Class ever awards. Wanting fancy
uniforms, the Americans then draw up a proper army, which is
promptly shattered. The states then argued about who should
pay for their independence, while their generals won victories
by massacring drunken Germans on internationally recognised
holidays. Eventually the French managed to win control over
the seas and land some competent officers to instruct the
Americans. They then managed to hold on to enough territory
while the pro-American opposition in Parliament forced the
British to end the war. Thus was born the Land of the Free™
and the Home of the Brave™- two commodities which America
has had a complete monopoly on ever since.
War of 1812: The second rule came into play once again, and
America looked for someone to beat up. They decide on several
million square miles of uninhabited wilderness. End result,
Wilderness 1, America 0. The Americans try to pull off a three
pronged attack into practically unprotected Canada, while the
colonial overlord has all her troops involved in a war to
decide the fate of the civilised world 5,000 miles away.
American troops distinguished themselves by refusing to fight
outside of their home state, showing a firm understanding of
the idea of an offensive war. Britain manages to spare enough
troops from the Gotterdammerung in Europe to take America's
capital city almost without a fight and burn it to the ground.
Clearly we see the first rule in play here- America has trouble
beating a force under a man whose chief CV point is being
distantly related to Wellington. Although no film was made
of this war, it is famous for being the place from which
America's national anthem derives, originally titled "Hey look-
we've finally won a battle!".
Indian Wars*: Having established the USA as a beacon of freedom
and tolerance in which everyone had a say in the running of
the country, the American people found to their horror that
centuries of biological warfare had not quite wiped out the
natives. Following a policy of 'It's not genocide if there are
no survivors', the government decided that the best way to
serve the interests of the native Americans was to relocate
them all to a telephone box in Arizona. The US army spend fifty
glorious years fighting a brave struggle against a cunning and
dastardly foe who stood for everything America didn't, like
the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. The
war is the stuff of legend in the US, and many American school-
children hope that one day they too can go and cleanse Holy
American Land of the filthy, alien indigenous peoples.
Mexican Wars: Having dealt with the Indians, the Americans felt
confident that they could take on an enemy slightly higher up
the ladder of inferior races. Not wanting to take too much in
the way of risks they settle on Mexico, which was accused of
stockpiling the Pacific coast and violating the no-salsa zone.
In its 25 year history Mexico had already managed to lose a
war to the three farmsteads that made up Texas, so the US had
a fair chance of getting at least a draw. American troops do
surprisingly well, especially considering the fact that the
enemy have firearms.
The Civil War*: Once again the second rule comes into play-
no Indians, no Mexicans, not Canadians to fight. Who next? The
answer in retrospect was obvious- hillbillies. Needless to say,
the USA was hardly going to make this a fair fight, making sure
it massively outnumbered the south in everything that mattered.
And they still managed to lose, nearly. Once again, Americans
simply could not be bothered to get up and fight, preferring
to sit at home and hoping the problem would go away. Having
escaped getting their capital Southern Fried for a second time,
the north finally remembers that there isn't anyone else who
they can get to fight this war for them, and proceed to pillage
and burn anything that looks even vaguely redneck. This war
is most famous for the film Gone With the Wind, with its
classic summary of American foreign policy for the past 300
years- "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn".
The Spanish American War: After realising that war actually
involved effort, America found war 'boring' and 'no longer
fun'. As a consequence it was another thirty years before
someone poor and weak enough to be a worthy adversary was
found. With Mexico looking too dangerous America decided to
pick on the world's most decrepit empire- Spain. With a navy
consisting of two old tin baths and a rubber duck the Spanish
put up a valiant fight, assuming that a valiant fight consists
of synchronised suicide. The Americans take a hill overlooking
an insignificant town at ridiculously high cost, lose about
a tenth of their entire army to disease and decide that it's
too much effort to bother fighting a proper battle and just
wait for the Spanish to give in. This they duly do, and America
'liberates' Cuba, whose gratitude shines through to this day.
World War I: 1914 was the year that Europe decided that peace,
prosperity and having sections of the population aged between
15 and 35 was overrated. When war starts America manages to
have its cake and eat it- not only do they sit around waiting
for someone else to fight the war for them, but they kill a
load of inferior Mexicans for refusing to salute the US flag.
Eventually, after they find out that Germany has offered to
help Mexico invade the USA, realising they would have an enemy
who could fight back, America finally goes to war. Arriving
just in time to chase the Germans back and claim victory,
American history books could claim that without them Germany
would have conquered the entire world. Upon entering the war-
zone American commanders demonstrate their intelligence and
cunning by marching all their troops straight at the German
guns. At this point even the Allied generals, for whom the
greatest horror of war was being unable to get real Turkish
delight for their mistresses, had figured out that this wasn't
the smartest of moves. The great fighting ability of the
American soldier is demonstrated by achieving in seven months
three times as many casualties as Belgium managed to suffer
in four years, despite being in the middle of Trench warfare
for all that time.
World War II*: America's finest hour. Sadly, that isn't saying
much. The internationally recognised Most Evil Man Ever makes
a bet with his friends about how many countries he can conquer
before America declares war on him. He is on his twelfth when
he gets so angry at America's laziness that he decides to
declare war on them in exasperation. The Americans discover
that the Japanese are not actually bandy- legged inferior
people who couldn't see in the dark when they mount a surprise
attack that knocks out most of the US military in the pacific.
You do rather wonder what exactly the US navy thought the
armada bearing down on one of their biggest naval bases was-
a yacht club with a taste for military grey perhaps. The second
world war was, for America, fought in two places. The first
was the Pacific theatre, where America once again performed
gloriously, managing to take less land off the Japanese than
the Australians, before finding a way to win the war that only
required a dozen or so people to leave their hammocks on
tropical pacific islands. The war in Europe was characterised
by American commanders trying to show cunning and guile, but
giving up and borrowing the Russian tactic 'if we outnumber
you ten to one, we can afford to lose nine of them'. Thanks
to this war Americans can tell any nationality in Europe that
'If it wasn't for us you'd all be speaking German'. Missing
out on the fact that had the Germans won the war they would
have said, rightly, that if it wasn't for them you'd all be
speaking English.
Korean War: Five years of peace occur before the second rule
strikes, and America once again is off to fight. Several
million Koreans under the command of a ruthless communist
dictator attack several hundred thousand Koreans under the
command of a regular old ruthless dictator, and needless to
say, the USA feels obliged to fight for democracy in the area.
On the flipping of a coin it is decided that the South Koreans
are the more democratic, and need helping. Washington is
horrified when it finds out that two squads of the Kentucky
National Guard can't actually hold off a million-man communist
Blitzkrieg. They're even more horrified when, having beaten
the Koreans, the Chinese get involved and force the Americans
to give up half the country. America decides that war's really
sad anyway and it's only for losers and they weren't really
playing and China was cheating.
Vietnam war*: American post-war military history is a bit like
that of someone in a corporate band called the Allies. First
the group was working together, making some good singles and
a chart-topping album called World War 2. Then the band started
to have disagreements and fights, France goes off to have a
solo career, and eventually everyone's 'following their heart'
and producing utter crap. The Vietnam war is the equivalent
of the single that means the airhead singer will never work
again. Having not fought a proper war for at least ten years,
the Americans try to find a suitable dictatorial regime to prop
up. Before you can say 'My Lai' American troops are swarming
through the jungles, enjoying the warm hospitality of the
natives. American troops are particularly keen to be polite,
scrupulously obeying the ancient Vietnamese tradition for
visitors- burning down the village and butchering the children
of your host. American airmen promise to 'bomb Vietnam back
to the stone age', then proceed to drop 2/3rd of their bombs
on South Vietnam- the country they are notionally defending.
At home American youths flee to Canada, on the grounds that
they don't want to fight in the jungles of South East Asia
until the army figure out a way of killing people without
leaving the air-conditioned bases. Eventually America decides
that it's all too much hard work, and that the South
Vietnamese can be enslaved by communism after all. 50,000
Americans die in a guerilla war in the jungles of South East
Asia- coincidentally the same number of troops required by the
British to win a guerilla war in the jungles of South East
Asia ten years earlier.
Grenada: Having lost to a nation whose idea of advanced
weaponry was a bicycle with a sharp stick tied to the front,
America decides to go back to basics for their next war. Fast
approaching the constitutionally forbidden tenth year of peace,
the US army selects its target- Grenada. As the world's second
largest nutmeg producer, it was only a matter of time before
it joined with the godless communists and destroyed freedom
as we know it. For a nation with a population one fifth the
size of the US airforce the natives put up a strong fight.
However soon America has made certain that the world is once
again safe for democracy, apple pie and discount tourism. The
world applauds America's success much in the way a teacher at
a school for 'special' students does when one of their charges
manages to draw an upside down H at the age of fifteen.
Gulf War: America's on a roll, having managed to defeat Panama
after several years of protracted trench warfare. Now it's time
to start playing in the premier league, and the US decides to
take on Iraq. Having secured UN support there are enough
foreigners to do the military equivalent of holding a kid up
when they use a bike without stabilisers for the first time.
Even with widespread international help, the Iraqis know it's
still going to be nowhere near a fair fight unless they help
the Americans out a lot, for example by taking the batteries
out of their own tanks and push starting them in the morning.
Even with this the US army has trouble getting their head
around the whole idea. One American unit makes the mistake of
confusing the Union Jack with the Iraqi flag, and ends up
killing more British soldiers than the entire Iraqi military.
Having managed to drive the enemy out of Kuwait, the Americans
once again get bored, and put defeating Saddam Hussein on their
'to do' pile, promising to get it done after the barbeque next
week.
The War Against Terror: Or, as American commanders originally
referred to it, T.W.A.T. Finally America had found its calling-
a war that involved plenty of cool explosions, the needless
death of allies to moronic friendly-fire incidents, slaughter
of generic dark-skinned natives, an Evil sounding enemy and,
most importantly, no risk whatsoever for any Americans. Thanks
to American bravery in handing suitcases of cash to Afghani
warlords and bombing raids against dictionary suppliers, terror
was completely destroyed, in another glorious victory for the
USA.
