A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. He played with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting. He looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
The minister fainted.
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What animals should a woman have at home?
1) a mink in the closet
2) a Jaguar in the garage
3) a jackass paying the bills
4) a tiger in the bedroom
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A little old lady from Minnesota had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation...and when canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan/rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all...." and she said, I know all about milk and dairy farms... I can do this!
She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house... a man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able to use it...."
Her entry read:
Carnation milk is best of all,
No tits to pull, no hay to haul.
No buckets to wash, no shit to pitch,
Just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch!
