A man walks into a sperm bank and declares, "I'm of royal blood and have an I.Q. of 165. I'd like to make a donation."
The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a private room.
20 minutes later, the man hasn't come out. The nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?"
"I'm so embarrassed. I used my right hand. I used my left hand. I poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could you help me?"
The nurse replied, "I don't usually do this but you are kinda cute..."
She gets on her knees and begins to blow him.
"I really appreciate this, but I need help getting the cap off the jar!"
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Morris and a woman are standing side by side waiting for a bus when they get to talking.
"Say," said the woman. "Do you have a hobby?"
"Naturally, a hobby I got , I'm a bee keeper."
"Well, you must live in the country then."
"Nope, right here in the city... in Brooklyn."
"Really? You must have a large house then."
"Nope, apartment."
"Geez, where do you keep'm?"
"A shoe box in my closet."
"A shoe box!? How many bees do you have?"
"Couple thousand, something like that. So who counts?"
"Well, you can't keep a couple thousand bees in a shoe box! They'll die!"
"So screw'em. I hate bees."
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Two friends were in a bar when one pulled out a cigar. He didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one. 'I sure do,' he replied while he reached into his jacket and pulled out a 12-inch Bic lighter.
'Wow!' said his friend, 'Where did you get that cool monster lighter?'
'I got it from my genie.'
'You have a genie?'
'Yes I do, right here in my jacket pocket.'
'Could I see him?'
He uncorks a bottle he pulls from his pocket and out pops a genie. The friend asks the genie, 'Since, I'm a good friend of your master, will you grant me one wish?'
'Yes I will', the genie replies.
The friend then asks the genie ‘please give me a million bucks’. The genie hops back into the bottle and leaves him standing there, waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly, the door crashes open and the sound of a million ducks storming into the bar is heard. The bar rapidly fills with loud quacking ducks.
The friend yells to his buddy, 'I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'
He yells back, 'I forgot to tell you this, but I suspect that my genie is bit hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?!?!'
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My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and so we decided to get married. There was one thing bothering me...it was her beautiful younger sister. My future sister-in-law was twenty-two and wore very tight miniskirts, and was generally braless. She would regularly bend when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate.
One day her little sister called and asked me to come over and check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she wanted to make love just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
She said, "I am going to my bedroom and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them to me.
I stood there for a moment then turned and made a beeline to my car. I opened the door and low and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping. With tears in his eyes my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test… we could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in the car!
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A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
His funeral will be held Thursday.
