texan's

Two Texans were having lunch at their favourite restaurant when they noticed a young woman at the next table having trouble breathing. One of the Texans got up, walked over to her table, took her face in his big Texan hands and said, "Kin ya swaller?" She shook her head 'no.'
"Kin ya breath?"

Again she shakes her head 'no.'

Suddenly, the Texan grabbed her around the waist with one of his big Texan hands, turned her over, pulled up her skirt, and licked her right on the bottom!

The young woman was so shocked that she coughed, causing the food to dislodge!

The big Texan, pulled up her skirt, turned her right side up, tipped his hat and returned to his seat.

His companion sitting there, is stunned:

"I have never seen anything like that in my whole life!" he says to his heroic friend.

"Yep, I tell ya, that Hind Lick maneuver works every time!"
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A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he Reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent Eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to Her to see what work of God had captured her attention he noticed she was Looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he Replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took Her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback-Mountain shit in our garden."
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Men are NOT mind readers.
Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Sunday Sports: It's like the full moon or changing of the guard...let it be.

Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are NEVER going to think of it that way.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hits do NOT work! Strong hints do NOT work! Obvious hits do NOT work! JUST SAY IT!

"Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem -- See a doctor.

Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret Girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbis did not need directions and neither do we.

All men see in only sixteen colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit and NOT a color. We have no idea what mauve is.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect and answer you don't want to hear.

When we have to go somewher, absolutely anything you wear is fine...REALLY!