There was an athiest walking through the woods one day. He marveled at the beauty of the leaves, the quiet stream nearby, the mountains in the distance, and the gentle breeze touching his face as the warm sun shone down upon him.
When he heard a rustling noise behind him, he turned to see a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him, snarling and baring its teeth. He quickly turned and ran, each time he glanced behind him the grizzly was getting closer. As hard as he ran he could not distance himself from the beast, and as he ran he tripped across an exposed root. As he lay there in a heap, the grizzly stalked closer snarling, drool dripping from it's teeth.
The athiest cried out, "Oh God, help me!", and time froze. The grizzly seemed to stand still as a bright light shined down from heaven upon the athiest. A great voice from above spoke "You've spent your life claiming I did not exist, you taught others that the beauty that is this world was some sort of cosmic accident, and now when you face your certain fate you summon me for help. Why should I help one that does not believe in me?"
The athiest thought for a moment and said "It's true I did all those things, and I would be a hypocrite to ask, but if you will not make me a christian, will you make the bear a Christian?"
Then, the light from above dimmed time began to move once again. The grizzly stopped, sat down upon the ground, placed its paws together and bowed its head in prayer saying "Dear lord, thank you for the bounty we are about to receive, and bless this meal. We ask this in your name, Amen."
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A man sped down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, when he passed a patrol car, it pulled out behind him, lights flashing.
The police officer handed him a citation, took the driver's signature and was starting to walk away when the man said, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair. Plenty of other drivers around me were going just as fast. Why did I get a ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman asked.
"Um, yeah ..." the startled man replied.
"Ever catch all the fish?"
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Mildred was a 93-year-old woman, particularly despondent over the death of her husband, Earl.
She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
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My wife is a "bargain shopper". She buys anything that is marked down.
One day she brought home an escalator!
