Agony Aunt Advice

Dear Petula,
I have been married for 20 years and my husband has completely lost interest in sex. So much so that I do not have to smear my face in nightcream or sellotape a bit of string to my inside privates to stop him from clambering aboard at the weekend and see-sawing away like an arthritic duck. However, last Friday, instead of getting our traditional takeaway, he burst into the front room naked, said we needed to do something to spice up our love life, smeared his pork kebab with some Patak’s Original Balti Paste and asked me for a go in my tandoori oven. I was outraged. He knows I’m more of a Tikka Mahkni girl. Nevertheless, I’m ashamed to say I found the whole thing quite stimulating. I think it must be the coriander as he still doesn’t really touch the sides, if you catch my drift. Clearly he thinks the same as now he’s demanding I let him put his shashlik in my aloo chat. Isn’t that illegal?
Navneeta,
Norwich

Petula says: Dear Navneeta,
Offering up your aloo chat to the man in your life can be a wonderfully intense experience, or so I am told by some demented perverts, but in my experience it is much more likely to make your nose bleed and leave you walking like John Wayne for a week. If he tries anything like that again I would grab hold of his shashlik, smear it with some Vindaloo and then make a run for it while his eyes are watering. Lock yourself in the bathroom and call the Police. Of course it’s illegal. You don’t live in Wales!