Dark In Here/misc.

>A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
>Unbeknownst to her, her 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. Her
>husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
>
>
> The boy now has company.
>
>Boy: "Dark in here."
>
>Man: "Yes it is."
>
>Boy: "I have a baseball."
>
>Man: "That's nice."
>
>Boy: "Want to buy it?"
>
>Man: "No, thanks."
>
>Boy: "My dad's outside."
>
>Man: "OK, how much?"
>
>Boy: "$250."
>
>
> In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover
>are in the closet together.
>
>Boy: "Dark in here."
>
>Man: "Yes, it is."
>
>Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
>
>Man: "How much?"
>
>Boy: "$750."
>
>Man: "Fine."
>
> A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove.
>Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold
>them."
>The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says,$1,000."
>The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
>That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
>church and make you confess."
>
>They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little
>boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in
>here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again"


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Duct Tape
Contrary to popular opinion it IS NOT good for fixing everything.

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He
walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted
to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to
ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great! says Jeff. "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd
get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my
leg, so if I did,
it wouldn't show."

"So I get to her door,"says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it
in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then? "

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
"I kicked her in the face."




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Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says "Bob, I'm not going to beat around the bush.
You have AIDS."
Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
"Eat 1 sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot
sauce,
10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts, 40 raw peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape
cereal,
and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."
Bob asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?" says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what
your ass is for."

Quote:

---

The boy says, "Dark in
>here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again"

---

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
nice1

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed
couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must
abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at
the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain
from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to
abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to

sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able
to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"No, Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young
man replied sadly. "My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf
and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust
and
took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our
church," stated the pastor.

"We know," said the young man, ......... "We're not welcome at Home Depot
anymore, either."

There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very
>taxing
>day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Rene
>Wright, who
>was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea
>for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling
>tired and
>depressed.
>
>As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What
>time of
>night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on.
>
>Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he
>went and
>poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom
>for a long
>hot soak -- pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
>
>While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered to
>be told
>that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution
>after all.
>Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and
>went
>upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door
>she was
>greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked
>over the
>bath cleaning the tub.
>
>"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
>
>At which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For
>crying
>out loud . . . don't you ever stop?"

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind
him,
> >> "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen,
you
> >> don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a
> >> diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and
> >>the
> >> computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes
ten
> >> seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."
> >>
> >> So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to
Wal-Mart.
> >> He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the
> >> urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds
> >> later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak
your
> >> arm in warm
> >> water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."
> >>
> >> That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack
> >> began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap
> >> water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
> >> daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
> >>
> >> Jack hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits
> >>
> >> ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The
> >> computer prints the following:
> >>
> >> 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
> >>
> >> 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
> >>
> >> 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
> >>
> >> 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
> >>
> >> 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
> >> better

Oh my.....good ones!!