*New Year brings rise in Security Alert State*

Recent terrorist threats have caused the English to raise their
security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security
levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."
The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when
tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from
"Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the English issued a
"Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the
Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get
the Bastards". They don't have any other levels.. This is the reason
they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last
300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in
France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender.." The rise was precipitated by
a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively
paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy
has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective
Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also
have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed craft have glass bottoms so the new
Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes
on all of their allies, just in case.

And in the southern hemisphere...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to
"BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a
squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some
toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more
level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue
us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries"
to "She'll be all right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain:
"Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and
"The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use
of the final escalation level.

:afro: