-
Will bump when added too, instead of starting new topic.
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live
> on a farm, his
> mother asks if he had done his chores.
>
> "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him
> no breakfast
> until he does his chores.
>
> Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the
> chickens, and he
> kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he
> kicks a cow. He
> goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes
> back in for
> breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry
> cereal.
>
> "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I
> have any milk
> in my cereal?" he asks.
>
> "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so
> you don't get
> any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you
> don't get any
> bacon for a week, either. I also saw you kick the cow,
> so for a week
> you aren't getting any milk."
>
> Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and
> kicks the cat
> halfway across the kitchen.
>
> The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile,
> and says, "Are
> you going to tell him, or should I?"
>
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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need
to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving to inspect a bull, the brunette tells her sister, "When
I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out and
haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides
she wants to buy it. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town
to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram
to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need
her to
hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul
it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then
adds,
"It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes
that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for
a few
minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know
that
you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out
here to haul
that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read
it
slowly....."com-for-da-bul.
-
The Rabbi
bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the US Tax office,
excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders - such as the
Enron or WorldCom guys. Anxious for his first high powered audit, he was
a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi. Looking over the
books and taxes were pretty straight forward, andthe Rabbi clearly very
frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun
with the Rabbi.
"Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when
we have enough, we send them back tothe candle maker. And every now
and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
actually had a practical answer! So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious
way...
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the
crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs
from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to
the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the
circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is
save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send
them to the Tax Office."
"The Tax Office?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi, ... "the Tax Office" and about once a
year, they send us a little prick like you."
-
bump...
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.
> A lady cashier walked up to meet him and said, "You
> barracks door is open."
>
> This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on
> his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done
> shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."
> He zipped up and finished his shopping.
>
> He then intentionally got in the line to check out
> where the lady was that told him about his "barracks
> door." He was planning to have a little fun with her.
> When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my
> barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing in
> there at attention?"
>
> The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no I
> didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on
> two duffel bags"
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A college professor was doing a study testing the
> senses of first
> graders
> using a bowl of lifesavers. He
> gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers,
> one at a time, and
> asked
> them to identify them by
> color and flavor. The children began to say:
>
> Red............cherry
> Yellow........lemon
> Green........lime
> Orange......orange
>
> Finally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers.
> After eating
> them for
> a few minutes none of the
> children could identify the taste. "Well"' he said,
> "I'll give you a
> clue.
> It's what your mother might
> sometimes call your father." One little girl looked
> up in horror,
> spit
> hers out and yelled,
> "Oh, my God! They're assholes
-
The "comfortable" one was great....the last one i had heard.....the first one i had heard.....
-
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the
> coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The
> male whale recognized it as the same ship that had
> harpooned his father many years earlier.
>
> He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under
> the ship and blow out our air hole at the same time
> and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."
>
> They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over
> and quickly sank.
>
> Soon however, the whales realized the sailors were
> swimming to the safety of the shore.
>
> The male whale was enraged that they were going to get
> away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and
> gobble them up before they reach the shore."
>
> At this point, he realized the female was becoming
> reluctant to follow him.
>
> "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but
> I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.
>
> Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the
> repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat.
>
> Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail
> you a check.
>
> Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog.
> He won't bother you.
>
> But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances,
> talk to my parrot!"
>
> "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
>
> When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following
> day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has
> ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on
> the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
>
> The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his
> incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
>
> Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and
> yelled,
>
> "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied,
>
> "Get him, Spike!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the
lobby of their nursing home one evening.
The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're
wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that
rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa
over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some
candles,and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your
life."
The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging
down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.
"Hell, no," replies the old lady. "I want four times in the rocking
chair!"
