Rosary joke

Father was the pastor at a small, struggling church. Lately, he noticed that if he gently swung his rosary (with sparkly gold crucifix at the end of it) around while giving Mass, it would inevitable capture his congregation's attention. By the end of Mass, his congregation would be rapt and glassy-eyed. When ask to "Give generously!", they would indeed, give every cent in their wallets.

After several months of this, Father's flock had grown tremendously, donations were through the roof, and the Church had been refurbished and was flourishing. One Sunday, during a stirring Mass, Father was swinging his rosary more vigorously than usual, and he had his flock's complete rapt attention. Suddenly, the rosary string broke, and the beads flew everywhere. "Shit!", exclaimed Father.

It took a week to clean up the church.

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humour!
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister in-law.
I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.”

A new father at a parish was so nervous at his first sermon, he almost couldn't speak.
Before his second one, he asked the monsignor what he could do to relax. The monsignor adviced him to put a little vodka in his water next time, before getting on the pulpit, and after a few sips everything would turn out much better.
Next Sunday, he took the advice and felt he could preach in the middle of a storm - in other words, truly great.
After returning to the parish's rectory, he found a note from the monsignor reading:
"Dear Father,
1. Next time take sips, not gulps.
2. Don't put a lemon slice in the cup.
3. The missal is not a coaster.
4. The blanket with Our Savior Jesus Christ's image should not be used as a napkin.
5. The Commandments are ten, not twelve.
6. The Apostles were twelve, not ten.
7. We do not refer to the Cross as "that huge-ass T".
8. We do not refer to O.S.J.C. and the Apostles as "JC & His Gang".
9. David defeated Goliath with a sling and a rock, he never kicked his ass.
10. We do not refer to Judas as "the snitch".
11. The Pope is sacred, not castrated, and we do not refer to him as "The Godfather".
12. The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit are not "the Old Man, Junior and the Long-Lost Brother".
13. Judas betrayed Jesus at the Sanhedrin, he did not "sell him in the black market", and it was for 30 silver coins, not "two grand".

Sincerely, the Monsignor"