-
Men's 43 Rules For Women
1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when
you are done.
2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from
each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.
3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.
4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and
fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your
contempt.
5. Shopping is not fascinating.
6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
7. Unless the answer is yes.
8. In which case, can he videotape it?
9. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or
tending the grill.
11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not
funny.
12. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.
13. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie: Microwaving
a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of
praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.
14. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
15. He heard you the first time.
16. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too... Let's spread the rejection around a
little.
17. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer
to.
18. Of COURSE he wants another beer.
19. The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot.
20. Dogs good. Cats bad.
21. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.
22. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to sit through
"Showgirls".
23. "Fine." is not an acceptable way to end an argument.
24. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for
directions.
25. He was NOT looking at that other girl.
26. Well, okay... maybe a little.
27. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you've never looked at
another guy...
28. There is nothing inherently wrong with the word "cunt".
29. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever
met.
30. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.
31. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a
matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.
32. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm.
33. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
34. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the
shower.
35. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it.
36. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks
fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try
to disrupt piles organized in this manner.
37. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you.
Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But
since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one
you're with.
38. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all.
39. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick
glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.
40. Don't hog the covers.
41. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime
show to act upon that...
42. He does not just want to be friends.
43. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence: "You
know, why don't we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here having freaky
circus sex all night?"
Advice from Men for Women
1) The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.
2) Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.
3) When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.
4) When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.
5) If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.
6) If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.
5) If you don't like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.
6) I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.
7) Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occassion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.
8) Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.
9) If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.
10) I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.
11) Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.
-
Things You Do NOT Want to Hear
During Your Surgery:
1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
2. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
3. Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
5. Hand me that ... uh ... that uh..... thingie.
6. Sorry Doc, we started without you
7. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
8. There go the lights again...
9. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys.. and this guy's got two of them.
10 Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
11. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
12. So you wanna go out tonight nurse?
13. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
14. That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
16. Sterile, schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
17. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...
18. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
19. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
20. Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
21. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
22. What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
23. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
24. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
25. ORGAN FIGHT!!!
BEFORE YOU LIVE TOGETHER/AFTER YOU LIVE TOGETHER
He takes you out to have a good time.....
He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"
He holds your hand in public.......
He flicks your ear in public
A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.......
A King size bed feels like an army cot
You are turned on at the sight of him naked....
You think to yourself...."Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"
You enjoyed foreplay.....
You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"
He hugs you, when he walks by you ...for no reason
He grabs your boob any chance he gets
You picture the two of you together, growing old.....
You wonder who will die first
Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy"...
When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.
He knows what the "hamper" is...
The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area
He understands if you "aren't in the mood".....
He says "It's your job."
He understands that you have "male" friends...
He thinks they are all out to steal you away
He likes to "discuss" things.....
He develops a "blank" stare
He calls you by name....
He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."
-
I don't really agree...but then again, who cares...it's funny :D :D
32 Reasons Why Cookie Dough is Better than Men
1. It's enjoyable hard or soft.
2. It makes a mess too, but it tastes better.
3. It doesn't mind if you take your anger out on it.
4. You always want to swallow.
5. It won't complain if you share it with friends.
6. It's "quick and convenient".
7. You can enjoy it more than once.
8. It comes already protectively wrapped.
9. You can make it as large as you want.
10. If you don't finish it you can save it for later.
11. It's easier to get the kind you want.
12. You can comparison shop.
13. It's easier to find in a grocery store.
14. You can put it away when you've had enough.
15. You know yours has never been eaten before.
16. It won't complain if you chew on it.
17. It comes chocolate flavored.
18. You always know when to get rid of it.
19. You can return it--satisfaction is guaranteed.
20. It's always ready to go.
21. You won't get arrested if you eat it in public.
22. You don't have to change the sheets if you eat it in bed.
23. It won't wake you up because it's hard.
24. You don't have to find an excuse not to eat it.
25. You can tell your friends how much you've eaten without sounding like you're bragging.
26. It won't take up room in your bed.
27. It's easy to pick up.
28. You never have unwanted cookie dough chasing you around.
29. You know what the extra weight is from.
30. It won't get jealous if you pick up another one.
31. It never has an insecurity problem with its size.
32. It is very pliable.
-
the surgery ones were to funny! :lol:
