A letter to the london observer from
Terry Jones (of Monty Python)
Letter to the Observer
----------------------
Sunday January 26, 2003
The Observer:
I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for
bombing Iraq- he's running out of patience. And so am I! For
some time now I've been really pissed off with Mr Johnson,
who lives a couple of doors down the street.
Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They
both give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is
planning something nasty for me, but so far I haven't been
able to discover what. I've been round to his place a few
times to see what he's up to, but he's got everything well
hidden. That's how devious he is.
As for Mr Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just know - from
very good sources - that he is, in reality, a Mass
Murderer. I have leafleted the street telling them that if
we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by one. Some of my
neighbours say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to the
police? But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say
that they need evidence of a crime with which to charge my
neighbours.
They'll come up with endless red tape and quibbling about
the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and all the
while Mr Johnson will be finalising his plans to do terrible
things to me, while Mr Patel will be secretly murdering
people.
Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range of
automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the
peace. But until recently that's been a little
difficult. Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear
that all I need to do is run out of patience, and then I can
wade in and do whatever I want!
And let's face it, Mr Bush's carefully thought-out policy
towards Iraq is the only way to bring about international
peace and security. The one certain way to stop Muslim
fundamentalist suicide bombers targeting the US or the UK is
to bomb a few Muslim countries that have never threatened
us.
That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's garage and kill
his wife and children. Strike first! That'll teach him a
lesson. Then he'll leave us in peace and stop peering at me
in that totally unacceptable way.
Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before
bombing Iraq is that Saddam is a really nasty man and that
he has weapons of mass destruction -even if no one can find
them. I'm certain I've just as much justification for
killing Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr Bush has for
bombing Iraq.
Mr Bush's long-term aim is to make the world a safer place
by eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'. It's such a
clever long-term aim because how can you ever know when
you've achieved it? How will Mr Bush know when he's wiped
out all terrorists? When every single terrorist is dead? But
then a terrorist is only a terrorist once he's committed an
act of terror.
What about would-be terrorists? These are the ones you
really want to eliminate, since most of the known
terrorists, being suicide bombers, have already eliminated
themselves. Perhaps Mr Bush needs to wipe out everyone who
could possibly be a future terrorist? Maybe he can't be sure
he's achieved his objective until every Muslim
fundamentalist is dead? But then some moderate Muslims might
convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the only really safe thing
to do would be for Mr Bush to eliminate all Muslims?
It's the same in my street. Mr Johnson and Mr Patel are just
the tip of the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in
the street who I don't like and who - quite frankly - look
at me in odd ways. No one will be really safe until I've
wiped them all out. My wife says I might be going too far
but I tell her I'm simply using the same logic as the
President of the United States. That shuts her up straight
away.
Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good
enough reason for the President, it's good enough for
me. I'm going to give the whole street two weeks - no, 10
days - to come out in the open and hand over all aliens and
interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and interstellar
terrorist masterminds, and if they don't hand them over
nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the entire
street to kingdom come.
It's just as same as what George W. Bush is proposing - and,
in contrast to what he's intending, my policy will destroy
only one street.
