Letters Of Complaint.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by chalice

Dear Kev,

epistolise your posts in this thread or get the fuck outta Dodge.

Faithfully,

Chalice.

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Working on that, even inclined to, but having a good day nonetheless.

I'll try to turn things around, for purposes hereabout. :whistling

Quote:

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Originally Posted by chalice

Dear old woman who invariably sits beside me on the train in the morning,

you smell of piss and cat and peppermint and hairspray and Channel 5.

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/fixed. :shifty:

Skiz and the castrated Jew mod have gone mental and not in a funny way, like...


-bd :ermm:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by chalice

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Skizo

It isn't a typo if that's what you're insinuating. :snooty:

Shite.... it's pronounced like.... shiite but without the long "E". :unsure:

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Dear Skizo,

shite is pronounced as shight. So as to rhyme with light or blight or hermaphrodite.

C.

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I'm what you people would refer to as "pissed up" I belivee, but our pronunciation is the exact same; no need for correction.

I'm listening to SRV's - Tin Pan Alley tho right now and could not possibly absorb any criticism at the moment, no matter ow relevant.

Dearest Kev,


To kickstart things off, you're an orsum guy, used to be a great mod (though I can't recall many operations led by you.. :huh:). I've always admired your writing skills and vast vocabulary, and have usually been intrigued by many of your posts, sitting and reading them time after time.


Enough with the bawl-licking and down to business -

For fucks sake, sometimes a man wants to read a post simply for the point of it, without the flowery words and letterage you may use to seem like an educated cawk who thinks his Engerlish is better than others.

What with trying to talk to the likes of Bawa in the DR about shite he'll never agree on, I think posts like "STFU cunt, you're wrong and here are the reasons - 1,2,3" are way better than posts that start with 12 letter words and run along half my page.
It tires my poor eyes and I get pissed trying to understand the combination of the words together.. Use simple forum Engerlish or GTFO.


Sincerely and most humbly,
Rafi



(P.S - If you took any of that complaint letter seriously, I'd think you must be going soft. :lol: First paragraph still says what I think though.. :) ).

Quote:

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Originally Posted by benchez

Quote:

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Originally Posted by chalice

Dear old woman who invariably sits beside me on the train in the morning,

you smell of piss and cat and peppermint and hairspray and Channel 5.

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/fixed. :shifty:

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Dear hottest of all shots on the internets,

I'm afraid you've lost me there.

I await feverishly your further correspondence in this matter.

Warmest wishes,

Chalice (OfWeeWee).

This burd at school wore a Chanel no.05 T-Shirt once and thought she was hawt.
My mate went up to her and asked why she was wearing a Channel 5 T-Shirt.

I loled. Your post reminded me so I edited it to make myself lol again. :happy:

Fair enough.

I didn't even notice the fix tbh.

You're just getting too subtle these days, you sly fox you.

Subtle enough for her never to wear it again because of the public shaming. :happy:

Dear work, plaice.

Why have you provided me with this new assistant.

I need her to do things and she just can't.

I know I needed help and someone to carry whatever I deemed too heavy.

To go out after work and enjoy a bevvy.

This woman tho' She's 55 and hasn't wits about her.

Perhaps she can make my tea and give it a stir.

A nursing home, that's what this has become.

Knee-deep with sub-human scum.

Dear Ancient Greeks,

In reference to that load of pish story you like to call 'Pandora's Box'...

Do you think we're all fucking imbeciles? If the box contained all of the evils of mankind, then what the fuck was 'hope' doing in the box in the first place? Eh?

Personally, I would not regard 'hope' as an evil and neither does my mum. So I will be expecting an apropos revision together with an apology, addressed to every human being who has lived since circa 4000BC.

If these are not forthcoming, then you must consider my subscription terminated.

Angry of Tumbridge Wells.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by benchez

Dear work, plaice.

Why have you provided me with this new assistant.

I need her to do things and she just can't.

I know I needed help and someone to carry whatever I deemed too heavy.

To go out after work and enjoy a bevvy.

This woman tho' She's 55 and hasn't wits about her.

Perhaps she can make my tea and give it a stir.

A nursing home, that's what this has become.

Knee-deep with sub-human scum.

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It rhymes!!!!

Quality, my friend, quality.

:lol: at Pandora's lie.

Dear restaurants.

You take my hard earned cash and offer me these tiny portions.

Just because i'm eating in a Vietnamese restaurant doesn't mean I have the appetite of a small Asian person. FFS..

Hungry of The Hunnery.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by benchez

:lol: at Pandora's lie.

Dear restaurants.

You take my hard earned cash and offer me these tiny portions.

Just because i'm eating in a Vietnamese restaurant doesn't mean I have the appetite of a small Asian person. FFS..

Hungry of The Hunnery.

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i know what ya mean fella, i cant stand it why when people who pay lots of money for food get such wierd and tiny portions.
also liking the new display pic:p

dear schizo

ooooh dejame ser

i dont know exactly what it is about my posts that you find to be compromising the integrity of this board...but whatever it is, i assure you it is being blown out of proportion. i suppose it's possible you were having a bad day-twice. i just cant help but feel singled out. then again, maybe you're just a bad day having kind of guy.

*shrug*

i'm sorry if you are jealous of the fire which burns in my heart for Stoi. i had no intention of being the rag doll in an e-penis tug'o'war. but alas things were said and actions were taken and its become painfully obvious that i am trapped in the middle of a vicious love triangle. you two need to work things out like men. i'm not a punching bag, schizo. please don't take your love smitten aggression out on me. i am merely an innocent bystander in the unrelenting carnage that is the Labour of Love.

may god have mercy on us all

ps...i want to ride stoi like a pony

pps...sientate, relajate, y callate por favor. el diablo con los guapos will be starting in just a few minutes. we can watch it together if you'd like :)

Dear wallet

Seventeen fucking quid that meal cost me. I thought i'd be clever and only order 1 dish.

To my dismay the total bill was split between all.

Fucked over to the maxx. :dabs:

Dearest huns

Please stop singing "The famines over, why don't you go home". I was born here, as were my parents, so I'm already home. In any case, at the time of the famine this was home, every bit as much as any other part of Britain. Should Highlanders go "home" because they moved south because of the clearances. Should you go home if your grandparents came over from Ireland, or is it just the Catholics.

New songs same old sectarian bile. Scotland's shame.

I remain as ever,

A Scotsman, with Irish roots.

PS would the Police, or the Scottish Executive allow you to sing these songs about people from Pakistan or India or anywhere else in the World. I think we know the answer to that.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by tralalala

Dearest Kev,


To kickstart things off, you're an orsum guy, used to be a great mod (though I can't recall many operations led by you.. :huh:). I've always admired your writing skills and vast vocabulary, and have usually been intrigued by many of your posts, sitting and reading them time after time.


Enough with the bawl-licking and down to business -

For fucks sake, sometimes a man wants to read a post simply for the point of it, without the flowery words and letterage you may use to seem like an educated cawk who thinks his Engerlish is better than others.

What with trying to talk to the likes of Bawa in the DR about shite he'll never agree on, I think posts like "STFU cunt, you're wrong and here are the reasons - 1,2,3" are way better than posts that start with 12 letter words and run along half my page.
It tires my poor eyes and I get pissed trying to understand the combination of the words together.. Use simple forum Engerlish or GTFO.


Sincerely and most humbly,
Rafi



(P.S - If you took any of that complaint letter seriously, I'd think you must be going soft. :lol: First paragraph still says what I think though.. :) ).

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But I don't like to use the "c" word.

Too often, anyhoo. :)

My rant is ongoing, and my verbosity is an expression of it, hence my resistance to the stuff of this thread.

I do it every day, and don't let it build to unhealthy levels.

So:

Nyah, nyah, and balls to you, with knobs on. :tease:


PS:

Chalice, I really think you should light the old lady.

Really.

Kev,

much as the idea excites me, I'm afraid other factors preclude my immolation of said female of advanced years and body odour.

The collateral risks of setting fire to her are just too grave to sensibly entertain. Such is the volatile chemistry of her convolution of aromatics, I fear the worst case scenario might involve a detonation of nuclear proportions.

Think of the pretty nurse, applying her make-up, mind firmly fixed elsewhere. The spotty teenaged chap with headphones, that expression of forced aplomb now a second skin to him. The paper-rustling businessman, forlorn and nursing his hangover, avoiding thoughts of his impending sexual harassment case.

And then of course, there's yours truly. I really don't want to die.

A more domestic solution is called for here. Formaldehyde spread liberally under the nostrils should suffice. Failing that, a clothes peg applied to the nose might just do the trick.

Shopping at the fishmarket. :no:

Is that a euphemism.

:eyebrows:

No mate, that is a pronoun and an adjective and an adverb and a conjunction.

True story.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by chalice

:eyebrows:

No mate, that is a pronoun and or an adjective and or an adverb and or a conjunction.

True story.

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Shirley.

What can I say, I'm feeling prolific.

I'm doing a sponsored wordathon.

Once I transcribe the OED, I can donate 17p to the Dyslexia Trust.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by chalice

Kev,

much as the idea excites me, I'm afraid other factors preclude my immolation of said female of advanced years and body odour.

The collateral risks of setting fire to her are just too grave to sensibly entertain. Such is the volatile chemistry of her convolution of aromatics, I fear the worst case scenario might involve a detonation of nuclear proportions.

Think of the pretty nurse, applying her make-up, mind firmly fixed elsewhere. The spotty teenaged chap with headphones, that expression of forced aplomb now a second skin to him. The paper-rustling businessman, forlorn and nursing his hangover, avoiding thoughts of his impending sexual harassment case.

And then of course, there's yours truly. I really don't want to die.

A more domestic solution is called for here. Formaldehyde spread liberally under the nostrils should suffice. Failing that, a clothes peg applied to the nose might just do the trick.

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What..........








































exactly is "advanced body odo(u)r"?

Is it worse than merely, oh, say...incredibly rank? :whistling

Let's put it this way...

If pedantry could be quantified in terms of smell, you'd make a lovely couple. :whistling

Quote:

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Originally Posted by chalice

Let's put it this way...

If pedantry could be quantified in terms of smell, you'd make a lovely couple. :whistling

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H4R5H!!

I'm hugely offended. :O

:lol:

Dear ZaZu,

for the love of fuck, please stop posting extremely high def pics in the sexy lady fred.

I've had relationships last longer than the loading time for every fucking page you post on.

Resize them or fuck off.

I wouldn't even mind if they were super hawt bitchez but they're fucking mediocre at best.

Yours,

Moi.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by chalice

Let's put it this way...

If pedantry could be quantified in terms of smell, you'd make a lovely couple. :whistling

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Holy crap!
A "gotcha" of epic proportions.

Manker would be so proud.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by clocker

Quote:

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Originally Posted by chalice

Let's put it this way...

If pedantry could be quantified in terms of smell, you'd make a lovely couple. :whistling

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Holy crap!
A "gotcha" of epic proportions.

Manker would be so proud.

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You failed to note I was "hugely offended".

I am hugely offended. :whistling

Dear Landlord,

I drank the rent money.



-bd :cheers:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by j2k4

Quote:

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Originally Posted by clocker

Holy crap!
A "gotcha" of epic proportions.

Manker would be so proud.

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You failed to note I was "hugely offended".

I am hugely offended. :whistling

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You don't do offended, Kev. Not so it shows anyway.

It was too good a line to pass up, even if I do say so myself. The opportunity was fleeting and I seized it.

You knows I loves ya. ;)

Dear mother of my girlfriend -

First off - You've seriously made me hate you over the (near) 7 month period me and your daughter have been together. In fact, when you pop into my mind, the phrase "fuck you" also pops in simultaneously. Coincidence? I think not.

Your daughter is just about 17. She has her needs, and wills. For fucks sake, let her be. I've been coming and staying over at your place a bunch of times, when you rarely let her come over to my place for a couple hours. How fucking lame is that? If you don't trust her, tell ME in MY face, not her.. It doesn't do any good letting me hear form her that you're paranoid about your daughter having sex with me. If that's your problem then welcome to the 21st century.

On top of all that, what's with the screaming and shouting? I'm trying to sleep, bitch. If I've been invited to stay over, try to keep your tempers to a minimum at least until I get up.. Jeebus... :dabs:


To conclude this - You've really managed to piss me off, and I now understand why my girlfriend is a rather sad character who's usually pissed at life. You're the sole reason. Do something about it. Do it now.


Or fuck off and do something else.


Yours kindly and sincerely,
Rafi (OfPishPish)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by tralalala

Dear mother of my girlfriend -

First off - You've seriously made me hate you over the (near) 7 month period me and your daughter have been together. In fact, when you pop into my mind, the phrase "fuck you" also pops in simultaneously. Coincidence? I think not.

Your daughter is just about 17. She has her needs, and wills. For fucks sake, let her be. I've been coming and staying over at your place a bunch of times, when you rarely let her come over to my place for a couple hours. How fucking lame is that? If you don't trust her, tell ME in MY face, not her.. It doesn't do any good letting me hear form her that you're paranoid about your daughter having sex with me. If that's your problem then welcome to the 21st century.

On top of all that, what's with the screaming and shouting? I'm trying to sleep, bitch. If I've been invited to stay over, try to keep your tempers to a minimum at least until I get up.. Jeebus... :dabs:


To conclude this - You've really managed to piss me off, and I now understand why my girlfriend is a rather sad character who's usually pissed at life. You're the sole reason. Do something about it. Do it now.


Or fuck off and do something else.


Yours kindly and sincerely,
Rafi (OfPishPish)

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Ive been there fella, my GF's parents are well to protective she's 18 and they bearly let her out of their sights.

You lads obviously don't have daughters.

Dear Chalice

Thank you for stating the obvious.

Contritely yours,
Idol

well no we dont, and i know i would be protective of her but, i would give her some freedom, she bearly has any. Ive been with her for about 8-9 months and ive never slept over at hers or her over at mine.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Acid_death69

well no we dont, and i know i would be protective of her but, i would give her some freedom, she bearly has any. Ive been with her for about 8-9 months and ive never slept over at hers or her over at mine.

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It might be a cliché but if she lives under their roof, she lives under their rules. It's their house and their daughter. Think of it from their pov.

It would fucking destroy me to think that some hormonal teenager was diddling my daughter while I slept in my own house.

If the relationship is strong enough it will continue far beyond the parental home. There'll come a time when you get your own place and have all the freedom you can stomach.

Then you'll be sorry. Oh yes.