There is a naked woman in the shower, she hears a knock at the door
"Who is it?"
"Blind man" is the reply
"OK, come on in then"
"Nice boobs, where do you want your blinds"
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There is a naked woman in the shower, she hears a knock at the door
"Who is it?"
"Blind man" is the reply
"OK, come on in then"
"Nice boobs, where do you want your blinds"
Cum on the Elevator floor
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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead enter an elevator. As they walk in they notice a small puddle of white liquid on the floor. The brunette bends down for a closer look, and states "It looks like cum." The redhead stoops down a little closer, takes a deep breath through her nose, and proclaims, "Yes, and it smells like cum." The blonde stoops down, closer still, puts the tip of her finger into the puddle, touches it to her tounge and exclaims, "Well, its nobody from our building." !!!
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:Quote:
Originally posted by baccy_man@14 April 2003 - 16:44
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
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"My, what big teeth you have, Mr. Wolf".
With that the wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you f**k off?! I'm trying to have a sh*t!
DAMN funny stuff!
there's a jelly bean sitting in a cafe when his old friend the M&M comes in. the M&M says he's going out to the pub that night and asks the jelly bean if he wants to go. the jelly bean says "I want to go out with you tonight, but i'm scared. everyone knows i've got a soft centre, and people pick on me and beat me up". the M&M, being a good friend, says "don't worry about that. i'm a hard man, if you're out with me, nothing is gonna happen to you". so, the jelly bean says "ok, that'd be great then. thanks for looking after me".
so they go out that night and the jelly bean and M&M are sitting in the bar, when two lockets walk in. the M&M immediately ducks under the table and the lockets come over and kick the crap out of the jelly bean.
afterwards, in the hospital, the jelly bean asks the M&M why he didn't stand up for him. the M&M says "i'm really sorry, but did you see those lockets. they were menthol!"
edit: posted twice. sorry
there's a jelly bean sitting in a cafe when his old friend the M&M comes in. the M&M says he's going out to the pub that night and asks the jelly bean if he wants to go. the jelly bean says "I want to go out with you tonight, but i'm scared. everyone knows i've got a soft centre, and people pick on me and beat me up". the M&M, being a good friend, says "don't worry about that. i'm a hard man, if you're out with me, nothing is gonna happen to you". so, the jelly bean says "ok, that'd be great then. thanks for looking after me".
so they go out that night and the jelly bean and M&M are sitting in the bar, when two lockets walk in. the M&M immediately ducks under the table and the lockets come over and kick the crap out of the jelly bean.
afterwards, in the hospital, the jelly bean asks the M&M why he didn't stand up for him. the M&M says "i'm really sorry, but did you see those lockets. they were menthol!"
Blonde
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What does a blond and the Bermuda Triangle have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of seamen.
Clock Shop
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A man enters a clock shop and takes out his manhood and puts it on the counter. The lady assistant says to him "Sir this is a clock shop not a cock shop."
He replies "Put two hands and a face on it then."
Free Watch
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Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy when he noticed
the brand new shiney watch Jimmy was wearing.
"Did you get that for your birthday?" he asked.
"Nope," Jimmy replied.
"Well did you get it for Christmas then?" Johnny asked.
"Nope."
"You didn't steal it did you?"
"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mum and Dad's bedroom the other night
when they were on the job. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me."
Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of
Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night he waited
outside his parents room until he heard the unmistakeable noises of
lovemaking.
Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His
father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked him angrily;
"What do you want now?"
"I wanna watch," Johnny replied.
"Well stand in the corner and keep quiet then," said his father
returning to the job at hand.
Going On Up To Heaven
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A young woman was teaching Sunday school to a group of very young children, one day she asked the class a question. She said "Class who can tell, when you die what is the 1st part of you to get to Heaven?"
The young children sat silently thinking, then finally little Jimmy in the front of the class raised his hand. The teacher said "Okay Jimmy what do think is the 1st part of you that gets to Heaven?" Jimmy said "The top of your head, because when your standing up it's the closest thing to Heaven." The teacher then said "Well that's not quite what I'm looking for does anybody else have any ideas?"
So little Mary raised her hand and said, "I know the answer it's your heart." The teacher said "Your heart, why do say that?" Mary said, "Cause that's where all the goodness and stuff is and when you die it gets there 1st." The teacher smiled and said, "That's real nice, but it's not quite what I'm looking for, anyone else?"
Just then little Hank the class troublemaker raised his hand. The teacher said to herself, "Oh great Hank!" She said, "Okay Hank what do you think the answer is." Hank then said all confident like he knows exactly what he's talking about "The soles of your feet!" The teacher said, "The soles of your feet?!, Why do say that?!" So Hank says, "Well the other day I went up stairs and my mother was lying on her bed with her feet up in the air saying, "Oh my god I'm coming"…, and if it wasn't for the mailman holding her down I think she would have went."
Wendy
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This guy wanted to do something special for his girlfriend Wendy, so he went out and got her name tattooed on his penis. It said Wendy when erect, and Wny when limp. Well, Wendy was thrilled, so thrilled she felt she had to do something special for him too. So she booked tickets for a trip to a nudist resort in Jamaica.
When they arrived, they went to the nude beach and the boyfriend went to order some drinks. While he was being served he realized the bartender had WNY on his penis too! So of course he said, " Wow! i guess your girlfriend is called Wendy too!"
The bartender replied, "No, my penis says 'WELCOME TO JAMAICA MAN, ENJOY YOUR STAY'"
Stand In Priest
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One day as confessions were on in church the priest comes out of the confession box and asks the young man sweeping the floor to act as a priest for a minutes as he really needs to relieve himself. The priest tells him there is a chart of penance on the wall inside, so the young man agrees.
The first person enters to confess and says "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I stole some food from the supermarket." "You will be forgiven",replies the young man. He looks at the chart and says "10 Hail Mary's for your sins."
The second person enters to confess and says "Forgive me father. I lied to my mother yesterday" The young man looks for lying on the chart and says "You will be forgiven. Say 20 Hail Mary's for your sins."
The third person then enters and says "Forgive me father for I have sinned. The postman called in last week and I gave him a blowjob." The young man looks at the chart but doesn't see blowjob on it. He opens the door and calls over one of the alter boys. "What does the priest give for blowjobs?" he asks. The young boy replies "A can of coke and a mars bar"
Fart Match
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An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man lets out a loud fart and says "one-nil."
His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"
The old man says, "A goal. I'm ahead one-nil."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Goal! One all." The old boy farts again. "Goal! I'm ahead 2-1."
Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says, "Goal! 2 all."
The old man tries to fart again, but cannot. Trying desperately not be out done by his wife, he gives it everything he has to get out just one more fart. He strains a little too hard and shits in the bed. The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides!"
The Story of My Life ...
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatens suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
Three businessmen were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were: The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge big enough to Keep it in." The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!" The third, a blonde male, nods sagely and agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every
branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every time I think of it," he chuckles. "My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. "She doesn't even have a penis!"
A woman walks into a bar and orders a drink. A few minutes later, a man walks in and sits down beside her. He notices that she's a little depressed and asks her what's wrong.
"My boyfriend dumped me because he thought I was too kinky."
"Wow! What a coincidence! My girlfriend dumped me because she thought I was too kinky," he replies.
So they start talking, and find that they have a lot in common. After a few more drinks, they start feeling a little frisky and he decides to go home with her. Once they walk into her house, she excuses herself to go ''slip into something a little more comfortable." She dresses up in her leather mask, rubber bra with the nipples cut out, thigh high leather boots, everything. She grabs her whip and walks back into the living room and sees him putting his coat back on, getting ready to leave.
"Hey, where are you going? I thought we were going to get kinky!"
The man looks at her all confused and says, "I all ready fucked your dog and shat in your purse -- what more do you want?"
At a White House press conference today, Tipper Gore announced that she is going onto the Presidential Campaign Trail with her husband, Vice President Al Gore.
"To prepare myself," she said, "I have shaved off all my pubic hair. From now until the election, I shall sit on the stage with the Vice President, and will have my legs apart without wearing any panties."
"What is the message?" gasped astonished reporters at the news of this rather startling announcement.
"Read my lips: No more Bush."
A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note to the man. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1 million in liquid assets, and 7 inches in your pants."
Well, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know -- I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have well over $2 million in assets, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 2 inches! Send the bottle back."
Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter.
"What kind of attitude is that?" David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."
Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God.
Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. Suddenly a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a table. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.
Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77.
A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Paul lost. The winning number was 707.
There was this little boy with no arms. He wanted to ring the church bell on Sundays so he went to talk to the preacher. The preacher didn't know how he was going to do it, but he figured he would give him a shot. When they got to the top tower, the kid runs face first into the bell, no sound.
After a few moments, the kid gets up and begs the preacher for another try. The preacher tells him to do it, so the kid runs his head into the bell again, then falls out like the time before.
When he gets up he again asks the preacher for another try. The preacher just nodes his head so the kid again runs his head into the bell and falls out again.
By this time the bell was swinging away. When the kid stood up, the bell hit him in the face and knocked him out the window. He fell to the ground and died. When the police came, they asked the preacher if he knew the kids name. The preacher said," No. But his face sure rings a bell."
This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"
"What? You're crazy!" she said.
"Look, don't worry," he said. "It will be quick, I promise you."
"Nooooooo! Someone may see us, a neighbor, anybody..."
"At this time of the night no one will show up. Come on, sweetie, I really need it."
"I've already said NO, and NO is final!"
"Honey, it'll just be a really small blowie... I know you like it too."
"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"
Desperately, he says, "My love, don't be like that. I promise you I love you and I really need this blowjob."
At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown and her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes she says: "Dad says, 'Dammit, give him the blowjob or I'll have to blow him but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom button so the rest of the family can get some sleep.'"
This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"
"What? You're crazy!" she said.
"Look, don't worry," he said. "It will be quick, I promise you."
"Nooooooo! Someone may see us, a neighbor, anybody..."
"At this time of the night no one will show up. Come on, sweetie, I really need it."
"I've already said NO, and NO is final!"
"Honey, it'll just be a really small blowie... I know you like it too."
"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"
Desperately, he says, "My love, don't be like that. I promise you I love you and I really need this blowjob."
At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown and her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes she says: "Dad says, 'Dammit, give him the blowjob or I'll have to blow him but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom button so the rest of the family can get some sleep.'"
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm
lookin' fer the meanest, roughest, toughest whore in the Yukon!" he
growled to the bartender.
"Well, we got her!" barked the barkeep. "She's upstairs ...second room
on the right."
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and
two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open
the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest,
roughest, toughest whore in the Yukon!"
The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "Well, you
found her!" She then stripped naked, bent over and grabbed both ankles.
"How'd ya know I like to do it in that position?" asked the miner.
"I didn't," replied the whore, "but I thought ya might like to open them beers before we get started."
A lesbian goes to see her GP for her annual check up. The GP does and internal and says, " My, you're looking pretty clean these days "
The lesbian replies,
" I should be, I have a woman in three times a week! "
this made me laugh it had to be in the states
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2003/05/08/...ain552978.shtml
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.
The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.
The moral of the story?
You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole