How To Get To Heaven When You Die

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Originally Posted by bigboab

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Originally Posted by Biggles

Fair enough. My discussion point would be that behaviours determined by what one is going to get out of it personally is hardly the basis for a moral framework. It is an inherently selfish motivation. If one truly believes in free will then logically only those who love God regardless of whether there is personal gain for themselves or not are genuine believers. Heaven or Hell whatever you conceive them to be are irrelevant.

Attempting to sell religion on the basis of pie in the sky is akin to double glazing salesman techniques. Guaranteed for 500 years or your money back.

Do it because you want to or not at all. :yup:

That is my view at least

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That post is definitely food for thought.:) I suppose that would make it Shepherds Pie In The Sky.

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But alas sadly ignored :(

It would seem pish about dinosaurs is more important. :frusty:

I'm out of this one = to use a bizarre Merkinism.

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Originally Posted by Biggles

But alas sadly ignored :(

It would seem pish about dinosaurs is more important. :frusty:

I'm out of this one = to use a bizarre Merkinism.

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Sad but true, Les.

A classic case of selective perception, as is rule with the majority of his ilk.

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Originally Posted by chalice

Too much altar wine, I fear.

One of these twats came to my door last week.

My lapsed-catholic sensibilities were somewhat inflamed. It was a brainwash and run affair. Unbeknownst to me, he had encountered Number 1 son sometime during the summer and promised him a babble. He thrust the bible into said offspring's confused mitts and beat a hasty retreat like the fabled thief in the night.

Had I answered the door, the sharp end of the word of god would've been bounced off this covert missionary's temple.

Then I had to spend the next week explaining to the kid how if Adam and Eve had really been the keystone of genetic inheritance, our deformities would be so myriad as to render evolution a heavenly myth.

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Mitochondrial DNA would tend to suggest that at the very least there was an "Eve". Other research suggests that there was also an "Adam", unfortunately they lived like a brazillion years apart. However it is science so it must be true.

Anyway there's a rule that if anyone tries to brainwash your descendants you are allowed to beat them to the ground. Using their own "holy book".

This includes your children, your children's children, your children's children's children ....

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Originally Posted by Sextent

Basically you are just the type of idiot who give Christianity and other religions a bad name. I often suspect it's non-religious people doing it, for that very reason. That's certainly been done here before.

This is one of these " you're a dickhead" moments. Either you are posting genuinely, making you a dickhead. Or you're making this stuff up, making you a dickhead. Either way, dickhead.

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It could be some sort of common class assignment from a nutter mongtard some religious school, this.

"Go out and find a place of sin, and spread the gospel" like.

It could explain a lot of nuttery I've seen, and why the attempts are so half-arsed and rife with misquotings, teenagers being what they are, and all.

True.

I wouldn't even mind if they quoted the Gospels once in a while, being that they are about Chebus' life and teachings and stuff. But it's always Old Testament fire and brimstone ... and dragons

Yeah, if they want to get things wrong, at least they should do it about Jesus.

Iv done too many mean things in my life to qualify , can I start all over again ? I see the Dali Lama is looking for a replacement , with my luck I'll be reincarnated as a woman with a bald head . No fun in that eh .

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Originally Posted by Snee

Yeah, if they want to get things wrong, at least they should do it about Jesus.

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Exactly, why talk shite about Christianity without bringing Chebus himself into the equation. It's just mental.

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Originally Posted by Sextent

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Originally Posted by chalice

Too much altar wine, I fear.

One of these twats came to my door last week.

My lapsed-catholic sensibilities were somewhat inflamed. It was a brainwash and run affair. Unbeknownst to me, he had encountered Number 1 son sometime during the summer and promised him a babble. He thrust the bible into said offspring's confused mitts and beat a hasty retreat like the fabled thief in the night.

Had I answered the door, the sharp end of the word of god would've been bounced off this covert missionary's temple.

Then I had to spend the next week explaining to the kid how if Adam and Eve had really been the keystone of genetic inheritance, our deformities would be so myriad as to render evolution a heavenly myth.

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Mitochondrial DNA would tend to suggest that at the very least there was an "Eve". Other research suggests that there was also an "Adam", unfortunately they lived like a brazillion years apart. However it is science so it must be true.

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At least we're agreed on that Garden of Eden bollocks.

It's metaphor when it suits 'em and literal when it don't.

I'd like to know who knocked that first monkey up, though. :blink:

Prolly Jesus.

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Originally Posted by Snee

Prolly Jesus.

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Best post of the year.

Fact.

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Originally Posted by Snee

Prolly Jesus.

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I heard it was his Da.

Knocked one up with bits and pieces he just found lying about. He was bored or something so just threw a monkey together. The rest as they say is theology.

The year is almost over. Why not start off the new year with a new life in Christ?

http://www.forumspile.com/STFU-Bitch_do_you.jpg

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Originally Posted by xfrodobagginsx

The year is almost over. Why not start off the new year with a new life in Christ?

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Oh ok can I win the lottery first ? Just so you know I'm talking to the big guy kinda thing . :)

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Originally Posted by peat moss

Iv done too many mean things in my life to qualify , can I start all over again ? I see the Dali Lama is looking for a replacement , with my luck I'll be reincarnated as a woman with a bald head . No fun in that eh .

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Mulligan :D

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Originally Posted by xfrodobagginsx

The year is almost over. Why not start off the new year with a new life in Christ?

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Compelling argument non? :huh:

How about we discuss the morality of rewards for belief?

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Originally Posted by Biggles

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Originally Posted by xfrodobagginsx

The year is almost over. Why not start off the new year with a new life in Christ?

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Compelling argument non? :huh:

How about we discuss the morality of rewards for belief?

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As long as we remember that the Ten Commandments are not multi choice.:)

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Originally Posted by xfrodobagginsx

The year is almost over. Why not start off the new year with a new life in Christ?

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Good point.. If Jesus was God, it might be worth a try.

Why take a train to London via Edinburgh, when the train also travel directly to London , inter-city? :huh:

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Originally Posted by Biggles

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Originally Posted by xfrodobagginsx

The year is almost over. Why not start off the new year with a new life in Christ?

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Compelling argument non? :huh:

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We'd have to take turns, like. Surely we can't all fit at once.

People'd better give me room to pull out when I'm done.

Please take the time to read this first post and pray that prayer to God at the bottom of it if you haven't yet.

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"Put away from among yourselves that wicked person."
Stay away from "fornicators", "idolaters", and "drunkards". Do not associate, speak to, or eat dinner with such "wicked" people. 5:9-13

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Why don't you comply with the above and go and preach somewhere else?

I hope Reality does not see this extract. He will close down the Forum.:)

P.S. We are all in there somewhere.:lol:

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Originally Posted by xfrodobagginsx

Please take the time to read this first post and pray that prayer to God at the bottom of it if you haven't yet.

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I'm detecting a distinct lack of the promised meaningful discussion here. :dry:

Just a diet of the same old lame cliches. The failure to address any of the issues raised undermines the credibility of the first post.

My Dad says I'm going to the bad fire.

He's probably right :D

Heaven exists I'm sure, but as a fornicating drunkard I'm going to find a back way in, like a fire door left propped opened.

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Originally Posted by WeeMouse

My Dad says I'm going to the bad fire.

He's probably right :D

Heaven exists I'm sure, but as a fornicating drunkard I'm going to find a back way in, like a fire door left propped opened.

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You could do a girlie blag past security.

Heaven.

There'll be lots of drinking in Heaven,
Smoking and eating and sex.
What you didn't do in this life, bad for you
Will be totally cool in the next.

In Heaven there'll be beer for breakfast.
At lunch it's Tequila and wine.
And the soup served with dinner is made with paint thinner
And the morning-hereafter feels fine.

Good behaviour will get ya to Heaven.
It's Beaulah Land, that's where we're bound.
But nobody makes nice up there in paradise.
When ya get up there, then ya get down.

And the angels have ashtrays in Heaven.
St. Peter puffs on a cigar.
That's right, smoking's allowed.
That's what makes all those clouds.
And ya don't have to sit at the bar.

And they eat all day long up in Heaven.
And nobody ever gets fat.
No, not one calorie and the ice cream is free.
It comes in a pint, quart or a vat.

And it's just one big orgy in Heaven.
And nobody ever says no.
And it's front, sideways, back and you start to lose track
But you don't lose your get up and go.

There'll be lots of drinking in Heaven,
Smoking and eating and sex.
What you didn't do in this life bad for you
Will be totally cool in the next.

In Heaven there'll be beer for breakfast.
At lunch it's Sambuka and wine.
The Gazpacho with dinner is made with paint thinner
And the morning here-after feels fine.

Loudon Wainwright III.

Would we feel ashamed
If we got drunk in heaven?
Who would get the blame
If we passed out in heaven?
Beer would be strong
And never gone
Do you know if they're serving beer in heaven?

Would it come in cans
If they have beer in heaven?
Would they have my brand
If they served beer in heaven?
You think it pays
To pray this way?
"Lord, I hope they let me drink beer in heaven"

Wine would make me frown
Can't handle whiskey
Moonshine in a jar, brings me to my knees...toss cookies

My only cure
Pass on liquor
So I hope that there will be beer in heaven...

Can you say there ain't
Any cold beer in heaven?
Could you be a saint
If you drank beer in heaven?
I must be wrong
I'll end this song
'Cause I'm sure Peter won't drink beer in heaven...

what if god was one of us? just a stranger on the bus...

That's just mad talk

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Originally Posted by Sextent

That's just mad talk

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Yep, that crazy bastard would be driving the bus.

He is ... in a way.

But we chose the destination.

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Originally Posted by Sextent

He is ... in a way.

But we chose the destination.

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To the terminus, if you please.

Does Sir have any baggage.

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Originally Posted by Sextent

Does Sir have any baggage.

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How long have you got, Padre?

Till the end of thyme and onwards, to infinity ... and beyond.

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Originally Posted by Sextent

Till the end of thyme and onwards, to infinity ... and beyond.

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Infinity, now there's the thing.

Supposedly, infinity can be multiplied by infinity. A soul-crunching, matheological ( I just made that word up) anathema.

Can I have my penance now?

You must face all of your failings and transgressions, accepting that they are part of what made you and come to terms with that. Finding true peace in the acceptance that you are just a man.

Can I not just have 3 Hail Marys and an Our Father?

That would do as well.

Can you make it a full decade tho', meet me half way.

Sign of good faith type thing.

Can't find my rosary beads.

Will anal beads do? As long as they're used in the right avenue of belief?