I prefer to think of them as admiring glances :snooty:
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I prefer to think of them as admiring glances :snooty:
Make it coerced toilet sex, and the girl some type of Asian, and you've got relationship cooking.
And if you're lucky, it will be female. And if you're very very lucky, you'll get AIDS.
Life on the outside isn't all Subutex and Valium. Sure, you get to have conventional sex, and the meals are considerably improved, but with being at large comes large responsibilities. As our kid can testify, his first month of comparative freedom having proven less than glorious.
Tethered by electronics and bail conditions to a curfew'd orbit of my mother's house, he redoubled his resolve to consume every depressant known to mankind. Seems some women are enamoured with the idea of a medically classified psychopath with all the vocal eloquence of a grand mal victim. The girl we last saw throwing up into a drain has now taken up semi-residence in my mother's house. She slips from bedroom to bathroom in a flash of towel and flesh and eats only toast and pills. She's 25, has 3 kids, of whom her mother has custody. Her ex-boyfriend is a childhood friend of our kid's who hanged himself last year. His family has begun a facebook hate campaign against our kid and her which will only end in bloodshed.
He cut himself up the other night. His arms look like a fucking skating rink. He's going into detox on Monday. Isn't love grand.
We actually did the 'noble' thing and helped out a young lad with a checkered history with the law, by the age of 18 he had already managed a stay in prison.We knew him well, and alot of his problems were due to his family being utterly dysfunctional, but he was and is a talented horse rider, but I digress, I agreed to have him in my own home on home detention since the other option was yet another prison sentence. So the probation service came and interviewed me and checked out my home to see if I would be a suitable environment and did a background check to see if I was a drug dealer or serial killer, apparently I'm not which is a relief.
They then hooked up the required equipment, but asked why I was doing this when he wasn't a relative, and asked if I knew what I was letting myself in for (which I didn't). Now this turned out to be a really bad fucking idea, the difference between knowing someone who needs something from you and is being 'nice' and a criminal who has got what he wants and doesn't give a fuck is quite remarkable, and for such a young person, underneath the exterior is an attitude you couldn't knock down with a sledge hammer, talk about a hardcase, the only thing that worked was a combination of me physically threatening to take him apart at the seams, which I was very tempted to do, and simply revoking my bond as his place of detention which would have meant immediate imprisonment.
There are some people that do NOT learn, that will bite the hand that feeds them (he constantly stole from us during the detention), and yet become angry when you finally reach the end of your tether and threaten to turf them out. My six year old daughter is better mannered than that hooligan was.
There is the argument that he is from a dysfunctional background but that is pure bollocks, some people dwell upon their past and go that is so unfair and do not move forward, whether the trauma is minor or major, others have the resiliency to bounce and carry on despite the circumstances, and whether his family wasn't nice or not, this kid would nick the gold fillings out of your head while you were sleeping and lie to your face, and he really enjoyed confrontation, I mean got off on it, the more of a wind up it was and the more emotion and shit storm there was the more he was into it, didn't give a fuck what he said, or who he said it to the more shocking the better.
So the long and the short of it is chalice, although I don't have a brother that is a self destructive loon, I have tried to help one, more fool me.
Can I come live with you on your farm in Noob Zeeland? :wub:
Why yes you can ;)
I'll be there in 48-72 hours
You don't require home detention do you?
No, I am reasonavbly well-behaved. I recently received a certificate that I am not a sex offender - how good is that?
I do have two kids though...
Snap (on the two kids) I don't actually think they hand out certificates for not being a sex offender here, the police check seemed to be good enough... :idunno:
They have something called a PVG scheme here - you need to pass their checks if you are going to work with vulnerable groups.
I got it because I volunteer for this organisation called STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, Maths). Funnily enough (and in line with this thread), the only event I am currently involved in is a mathsjam once a month in the local high security prison.
Jesus.
Tell stories about fucked up relatives or fuck the fuck off. The pair of you. Fuck.
Nice story, Art, apart from having a non-presence of horse fucking and relevance to this thread. Every breath you draw pulls you further away from your Scottish sense.
As soon as our kid gets done with Dave, you and your lovely horses are next.
Sorry, I have no current stories of fucked up family members, though I may have some old ones, will that do?
Yes. Better be good, though. And better be true. The truer the betterer.Quote:
Originally Posted by Skweeky
The horse fucker is the only really sick twist in my arsenal chalice and he wasn't a relative or I would have quietly drowned him, sadly either the relatives are still in Scotchland where they can't yell at me, or here and decidedly normal so that's about if for this fred, I'll fuck off now....Quote:
Originally Posted by chalice
Ok, erm, I'll start off gently with the story of my half-brother.
My dad had a son from his first marriage who is 25 years older than I am. They kept falling out and then sporadically either of the two would get in touch with the other again. The first time this happened I was 10 years old, understandably, I was quite excited about the prospect of having a new older brother (especially since I wasn't allowed any contact with my other siblings, but more about that some other time).
A few months later my half-brother announced that him and his missus were opening a new pub. Great news you say? Not quite.
Said pub was actually a front for a brothel. Naturally, my half-brother started an affair with one of the girls and his missus started turning the odd trick or two herself. I am not sure of this, but in hindsight, I think they both had a massive cocaine addiction as well.
Anyhoo, things soon escalated and my half-brother took it upon himself to start beating up his missus on a regular basis, which put me into some lovely situations where I would be sent round to pick up a key from his missus only to discover her face was black and blue and he was holding her hostage inside the flat so she couldn't tell people.
Eventually, the whole 'pub' thing fell down and he was left with a ginormous mountain of debt, which of course, he fled from.
By the time that whole episode happened, the pub was called 'Granada V'. Why 'V' I hear you ask? Ah, that is because that was the fifth time they had embarked on a similar venture, of course each time with exactly the same outcome.
I believe there was Granada VI at some point, but this was after my dad had died and we were no longer in touch by then. Thank fuck.
Not quite as spectacular as your story though chavis - soz man.
Nowhere near good enough, compadre. Nobody leaves that easily.Quote:
Originally Posted by ArtemisThe horse fucker is the only really sick twist in my arsenal chalice and he wasn't a relative or I would have quietly drowned him, sadly either the relatives are still in Scotchland where they can't yell at me, or here and decidedly normal so that's about if for this fred, I'll fuck off now....Quote:
Originally Posted by chalice
Hey, I've got loads. We bred like rats. The Pope decreed it. There's bound to be traffic. I'll start.
My cousin bared her magnificent tit one time when we were playing Spin The Bottle. It rearranged my neurons. She died in a car crash. No, not really.
But I did see my cousin's tit. And nobody can take that away from me.
Fan-fucking-tastico. to the max.Quote:
Originally Posted by Skweeky
I've missed your mental ways. True story. :smooch:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Skweeky
I forgot to mention - we would regularly stop by this place; I once met my teacher in there (I was 11). You can imagine the splash that made at school.
Okay I still don't know to this day why the fuck my cousin drowned himself in the Avon river, he had a great career, the wife, the three kids, the dog and he killed himself by drowning, I mean fuck, it's a slow horrible way to go, and every time I think of it I just think what the fuck??????
We need more drama than that.
:idunno:
Chavis, I think you're up for a menthol story like.
The only real drama I can provide is a link to the horse fucker story in the 20p fred, it's chalice' all-time favorite story apparently.
My uncle did a series of armed robberies in San Francisco over a period of three years amounting to around $300,000. His accomplice got greedy and ended up getting penetrated by gentlemen of an incarcerated demeanour shorty thereafter.
He fled back home to Belfast, leaving behind a family complete with handicapped son, never to return, to die of liver failure at the age of fifty. He was a funny guy, though.
I wish we had a 'like' button. Best story ever.
Not sure I can top that story chavis, but my great-uncle was the Belgian ambassador in Congo back in the 50's ><
My aunt told the entire family, including her husband and kids that she was dying from cancer. She wasn't. It was a lie. Not only that, but when she was supposed to be going for treatment, she was actually having an affair with some bloke.
All this was eventually exposed and her husband took her back. What a spastic.
:lol:
My uncle once tried to kill his wife with a shotgun
My brother-in-law was a teenage arsonist. He set light to a primary school and had to be sent to England until the heat died down. Literally.
On first reading I thought that your cousin drowned himself and his dog. I was all like 'what a cunt'. Poor dog didn't wanna be part of a suicide pact.Quote:
Originally Posted by Artemis
My other uncle faked a DNA test that said he wasn't his father's son.
:eyebrows:
Noice.
What the hell was the primary school made from? :blink:Quote:
Originally Posted by chalice
What does that matter, you nut? I'm quite sure he would've had the foresight to bring his own flammable materials. Any self-respecting pyromaniac can rustle up a molotov quick smart.Quote:
Originally Posted by ArtemisWhat the hell was the primary school made from? :blink:Quote:
Originally Posted by chalice
Awww come on, read it again, you left me a lovely dangling participle which I took advantage of, a double entendre of heat dying down and what was the school made of.... :naughty:Quote:
Originally Posted by chaliceWhat does that matter, you nut? I'm quite sure he would've had the foresight to bring his own flammable materials. Any self-respecting pyromaniac can rustle up a molotov quick smart.Quote:
Originally Posted by Artemis
Okay then. I don't do subtlety on Sunday mornings, Art.
This is better than Jeremy Kyle :eat:
Fantastic.Quote:
Originally Posted by chalice
Your family seems much more mental than mine.
I should be glad but I've now got a strange hankering to see my cousin's tit.