a bit of a laugh pt 2

Subject: Alcoholoscopes!
ARIES: Drinking style: Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don't know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to closing time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is a good way to get what you want out of them,should other methods fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you -- so long as you haven't gone and done anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.

TAURUS: Drinking style: Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow glow rather than a full on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by any means a teetotaler -- god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, er, gregarious (full of loudmouth soup, some would say) and is extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.

GEMINI: Drinking style: Gemini's can drink without changing their behavior much -- they're so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and allusions, then doing something to belie an extremely advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Gemini's possess the magic ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several people at once. They like to order different cocktails every round -- repetition is boring -- and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement.

CANCER: Drinking style: Cancer is a comfort drinker -- and an extra wine with dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it, Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists -- and, in true Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get "tired and emotional" (read: weepy when lubricated). But there's nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favorite Cancer. Even your second-favorite Cancer will do. The sign also rules the flavor vanilla, and you'd be adored if you served up vanilla vodka and soda.

LEO: Drinking style: Leo likes to drink and dance -- they're often fabulous dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware they're darling -- Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit, probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they get over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue -- and perhaps not with the one that brought them. But Leo's not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and expect a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to you the next day.

VIRGO: Drinking style: Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less than other signs, sure -- but it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely get fully shellacked -- but, oh, when they do! Virgo's controlled by the intellect, but there's an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose when walloped. It's dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend used to declare, "I'm going to drink myself into a low level of intelligence tonight." A toast to the subgenius IQ!

LIBRA: Drinking style: "I'm jusht a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's jusht that I'm so damn social?" Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Friend device set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble -- including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with their best friend's beau or even blacking out the night's events entirely. Oops!

SCORPIO: Drinking style: Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for they'll smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they're hog whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them see the sauce as something to savor in itself, and not as a personality-altering tool -- though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally, they're fascinating drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They also remember everything -- especially what you did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.

SAGITTARIUS: Drinking style: In vino veritas -- and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness: When buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many of their own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?). They're the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else -- like a nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun. Good-natured hijinks are sure to ensue (including a high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call).

CAPRICORN: Drinking style: Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast, money-hungry and status-thirsty -- no wonder they get left off the astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star: independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to please. And if they make money being themselves, who are you to quibble? But just like most rock stars, they're either totally on or totally off, and they generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially if they can hook up with a cute groupie.

AQUARIUS: Drinking style: Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well (except for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism, and if they get an idea while sizzled, they're more stubborn than a stain or a stone. If they're throwing a party or organizing an outing, however, they're too preoccupied with their duties to get combative -- and they make perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they're usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the best-designated drivers (if you can get them before they start raising their wrist): Aquarius is fascinated by drunken people and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober.

PISCES: Drinking style: If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard that you share a sign -- and an addictive personality -- with Liz Taylor, Liza Minelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other hand, they're fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas and wind up in bed together for days.The phrase "addictive personality" can be read two ways, you know.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by baccyman

George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."

George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".

The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."

George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"

Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

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LMFAO :lol:

keep em up baccy :01:

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered the hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner.
After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.

"It's o.k.," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."

So after a wild night of sex the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay.

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil - "The hat check girl puts out!"



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Sidney has a problem with premature ejaculation, so he pays a visit to a sex shop for a remedy.
The clerk hands him a little purple can and says, "This is Stay-Hard spray... put on a little and you can go all night!"

Excited, Sidney takes it home, stashes it in the cellar on a shelf, and waits eagerly for bedtime.

Later that night, he sprays some on his member and then goes upstairs to his wife. To his utter disappointment, however, the remedy seems to make him orgasm quicker than ever.

The next day, Sidney returns to the sex shop, angrily slammed the can down on the counter, and snaps, "This stuff makes me worse than before!"

Upon reading the label, the clerk asks, "I don't suppose your hid this stuff on your basement shelf, did you?"

"Yeah, so?"

"You must have grabbed the wrong can, sir... this is Easy-Off."

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."


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A Priest had been in confessions all day without a break. He really had to take a dump, and his bladder was about to burst because he hadn't been able to relieve himself all day.
People kept coming to confess and the line was backed up already and he hated to leave. But he peeked out of his cubicle and signaled the janitor to come over.

He asked the janitor to cover for him and gave him the confessions book then sped off in the direction of the bathroom.

The janitor was a little bewildered but he went into the cubicle and sat down. A woman came knelt in front of his window and said, "Father I have sinned. I cheated on my husband."

The janitor scanned in the book until he found "adultery". He told the woman to say 50 "Hail Mary's" and wash in holy water.

Next came a man who told the janitor, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I had oral sex with another man."

The janitor looked and looked but he couldn't find a penance listed for oral sex. He leans out of the cubicle and whispered to an altar boy: "Hey, boy, what does the priest give for oral sex?"

With a smile, the boy replied, "Five dollars and a candy bar!"

i hope this thread dies soon

Quote:

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Originally Posted by slim150

i hope this thread dies soon

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if you don't like it DON'T READ IT.


Edward Hale, while chaplain of the U.S. Senate, was asked, "Do you pray for the senators?"
He quickly replied, "No. After getting to know the senators, I pray for the people."



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Things Not To Say To A Cop
1. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

2. Aren't you that guy from the Village People?

3. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on COPS?

4. Hey, you must have been doin' at least 120 mph to keep up with me...Good job!

5. Bad cop! No donut!

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop.

7. Gee, Officer...that's terrific...the last officer only gave me a warning too!

8. I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

10. I pay your salary!

11. Excuse me...is stick up hyphenated?

12. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.

13. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

14. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

15. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around-that's how far ahead of me they are.

WHY ITALIANS CAN'T BE PARAMEDICS ...
Luigi and Salvatore are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Salvatore grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. Luigi whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Salvatore is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead. "There is a silence...... and then a shot is heard. Luigi's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"



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A Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an insurgent soldier badly injured and unconscious.
Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert. As first aid was given to both men, the Marine was asked what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. Seeing each other we both took cover. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable low-life scumbag, and he yelled back that Teddy Kennedy is a rich, good-for-nothing fat drunk.

We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us..."

A Texas rancher and his wife were bickering while vacationing in France. They were still hardly speaking to each other after being seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner.
When the waiter arrived the rancher said: "I'll have a big, thick porterhouse steak."

The waiter replied: "Monsieur ... what about ze mad cow?"

To which the rancher replied, "She'll have a salad."



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A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen cooking, he looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in frying pan.
"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.

Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two hookers and take them to their separate hotel rooms. When they get to the room, the first dwarf strips down but no matter how hard he tries, he`s unable to get an erection. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO,THREE...UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I just couldn`t get an erection." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that`s embarrassing? I couldn`t even get on the bed!"

One day the teacher came to class with a rose placed in her cleavage.
She asked, "Can anyone tell me what roses drink?"

"Milk!" answered Little Johnny.

"No, I'm sorry. That's the wrong answer. Roses drink water," explained the teacher.

"Wow!" Johnny exclaimed. "I didn't know the stem was that long."



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A young couple had identical twin sons and nearly everyone had a heck of a time telling them apart.
An aunt asked the mom if she had any problems distinguishing the two lads.

The mother replied, "No, I can tell them apart by their balls.

One bawls all night, the other bawls all day!"


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There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.