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Hahah, that's hilarious.
Stop typing and put pressure on it. You need to watch your digits and loose articles around that wit of yours.
Exclamation for you: #12 is bullshit. Scratched my head thinking there was some apocryphal Christian issue with the dates, not that I was simply an idiot who didn't understand base 8 math and had to look it up.
#4 truly made me do that thing that is described by Internet people as a lol.
The punchline for #15 is brilliant.
Special mention of gratitude for #11.
Not entirely true as I greatly pity your wife and kids.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3A1PSq4-88