Serious replies only please...

I've been thinking about the context of this for a couple of weeks now (moreover if I'd actually even post it) but here we are:

My best friend of my whole life is fixing to lose his father to cancer. This is a man whom I've known for around 15 years.

To make a long story short, his cancer has taken a turn no one foresaw and has has dwindled him down to nothing. I am scheduled to see him tomorrow but I'm not sure I want to do.

Let me rephrase that; I have asked to see him, but I'm not sure this is how I want to remember him - the way he currently looks.

He has refusing a hospice and it's obvious he wants to live out his days at his lake house.

Has anyone been through a similar situation?
Is it selfish to not want to see him like this?
It's hard not to want to say things like "how are you" etc, when seeing him....what does one say?

First of all, I think if you beg off, you'll have a bit of self-loathing and certainly some regret for having done it, down the road, anyhow.

There's no getting around the discomfort of such a situation, but I found early on (and have been reminded several times since) that people nearing inevitable death have done much to prepare for it, and so have also sorted much of your dilemma as a grieving friend in the bargain.

Consolation flows both ways at these times, and you would be well to cinch your chin-strap and go see the man.

Whatever happens, happens.

Don't worry about what you'll say, or how to say it, Skizo-there will be more understanding than you think.

You'll help him, he'll help you...like that.

It's not a social duty, it's your duty as a friend.

Firstly, My sympathies

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Originally Posted by Skizo

Has anyone been through a similar situation?

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you are not alone, not the first nor will you be the last.

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Originally Posted by Skizo

Is it selfish to not want to see him like this?

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Yes, but it's also understandable. IMO though you would regret it if you decided not to face your fear.
You may not be able to forget how he ended, but what you will miss is how he was and in my personal experience that has covered most memory of the end and if you don't see him the fact that you didn't will alway come to mind when you do think of him.

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Originally Posted by Skizo

It's hard not to want to say things like "how are you" etc, when seeing him....what does one say?

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Talk to him as you have done since you first knew him. You may find that he makes that easy.

There is something funny about knowing the end is near. The person facing it often comes to accept it and often ends up comforting those around them.

sorry I have to be brief here and am not really doing justice to what i am wanting to say.

I'm sure you will make the right decision.

Force yourself to go and pay him a visit.

I think (unless you are cold of heart) You will only regret it later on, speaking from my own experiance.

Go for it!

I've been in that situation twice, and both times I ended up not visiting as often as I should have, precisely because I didn't want to remember them as ill and frail, and because I've always had a lot of trouble dealing with hospitals.

In the first case, I don't really regret not going, as it was a very lengthy battle with Alzheimer's. I visited for a while, and then the inevitable occured, I went twice afterwards and couldn't handle any more.

In the second case, I visited the hospice once. I said I'd be back, but a number of things kept delaying me, and by then it was too late. I definitely regret this one.

What you say isn't really that important. In the second case, we spent most of the time talking about the quail and the birds that were by the bird feeder.

:shuriken:

Well, was just typing out what may have been my largest post to date, when my PC restarted from some sort of "Device Driver" error. :angry:

To make a long story short (since I'm not re-typing it all), I reluctantly went today. It was a sad scene watching family just hanging around waiting for someone to die, but what else are they going to do? I know it's tough on all of them. It was the toughest 3 hours I can remember. The top half of him was skin and bones - literally. His legs and feet were 5 times their normal size, from his body not properly cycling fluids through his body. Edema I think it's called.

I was there for 3 hours and I could see a noticeable difference in his color from the time I arrived til the time I left. He was turning yellow right before me. I think it's a matter of hours now imo.

I also learned for the first time today that a liver transplant might have help him about 2 years ago, but that cancer patients weren't eligible. His mother was pretty irritated because an alchoholic who destroys his liver can get another, but not a cancer patient. I was pretty surprised as it's a bit late in the game to be so angry about something from two years ago, but I guess she just being emotional and expressive.

A sad day. :(

I'm glad to hear you went, Skizo.

I'm sure your presence was appreciated by the family, and merely being there is the best support you can offer, truly.

Sorry to hear the end is so near; prayers all around.

"How are you doing?"
"I am doing fine"
Our present society does not thrive on demise, it prefers success or mostly the banal.
Good you went.

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Originally Posted by j2k4

I'm glad to hear you went, Skizo.

I'm sure your presence was appreciated by the family, and merely being there is the best support you can offer, truly.

Sorry to hear the end is so near; prayers all around.

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What he said.

Good on you for going. Like j2 said I'm sure the family appreciated you making the effort.

I've been leaving messages for my buddy for the past three days, but he hasn't returned any calls. Hope everything's OK. :cry:

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Originally Posted by Skizo

I've been leaving messages for my buddy for the past three days, but he hasn't returned any calls. Hope everything's OK. :cry:

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Go see for yourself, Skizo.

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Originally Posted by j2k4

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Originally Posted by Skizo

I've been leaving messages for my buddy for the past three days, but he hasn't returned any calls. Hope everything's OK. :cry:

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Go see for yourself, Skizo.

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It takes an hour to get there, and I'm not going to show up out there unannounced. Not with things the way they are.

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Originally Posted by Skizo

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Originally Posted by j2k4

Go see for yourself, Skizo.

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It takes an hour to get there, and I'm not going to show up out there unannounced. Not with things the way they are.

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Someone is dying, or has possibly died, and people you know are mourning.

Neither circumstance would preclude a continued show of support.

The weekend is here-have you something else to do?

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Originally Posted by j2k4

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Originally Posted by Skizo

It takes an hour to get there, and I'm not going to show up out there unannounced. Not with things the way they are.

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Someone is dying, or has possibly died, and people you know are mourning.

Neither circumstance would preclude a continued show of support.

The weekend is here-have you something else to do?

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Not for me. I won't get off work til around 9 or 10 tonight. When I do get off, I'm going to make some calls to other friends to see if they've heard anything.

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Originally Posted by Skizo

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Originally Posted by j2k4

Someone is dying, or has possibly died, and people you know are mourning.

Neither circumstance would preclude a continued show of support.

The weekend is here-have you something else to do?

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Not for me. I won't get off work til around 9 or 10 tonight. When I do get off, I'm going to make some calls to other friends to see if they've heard anything.

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Well, didn't mean to over-step, but going by your description of the relationship, couldn't see why you'd begrudge a couple of hours, even if the mission was fruitless.

Best to you and your friends, in any case...

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Originally Posted by j2k4

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Originally Posted by Skizo

Not for me. I won't get off work til around 9 or 10 tonight. When I do get off, I'm going to make some calls to other friends to see if they've heard anything.

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Well, didn't mean to over-step, but going by your description of the relationship, couldn't see why you'd begrudge a couple of hours, even if the mission was fruitless.

Best to you and your friends, in any case...

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Overstepping? Not all.

The text message just came in though:

My dad passed away about an hour ago just to let you know...everything is ok, he is at peace-

Fucking sucks. I tried calling but now his phone is off. :(

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Originally Posted by Skizo

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Originally Posted by j2k4

Well, didn't mean to over-step, but going by your description of the relationship, couldn't see why you'd begrudge a couple of hours, even if the mission was fruitless.

Best to you and your friends, in any case...

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Overstepping? Not all.

The text message just came in though:

My dad passed away about an hour ago just to let you know...everything is ok, he is at peace-

Fucking sucks. I tried calling but now his phone is off. :(

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So take a ride, then...

If you know where to find them, he and they will be glad to see you.