Little Tommy is at the zoo on a school visit and he spots a deer. Being a city kid he's never seen one before and so he asks his teacher, "What's that, Miss?"
Miss decides to play a word game with him and says, "That's what your Daddy calls Mummy, Tommy."
Tommy thinks for a moment and then says, "I'm not stupid Miss, I know that ain't a f*cking pig!"
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Two elderly friends, Andy and Harold, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day, Harold didn't show up. Andy didn't think much about it; he figured that, maybe, Harold had a cold or some such thing. But after Harold hadn't shown up for more than a week, Andy got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Andy didn't know where Harold lived. Therefore, Andy was unable to contact him to try to find out why he hadn't been coming to the park.
After a month had passed, Andy figured that Harold must have died. But, as Andy entered the park a few days later, lo and behold, there sat Harold. Andy was very excited and happy to see him and told him so! Then he said, "For crying out loud Harold, what in the world happened to you?"
Harold replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail," cried Andy! "What in the world for?"
Harold replied, "Well, you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the Pancake House where we get coffee?"
"Yeah," said Andy, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, she charged me with rape, and I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled "guilty as charged". The judge gave me 30 days for perjury."
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Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullshit with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed, Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don' t need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like one.
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A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair eating a snack cake while her dad gets his hair cut.
The barber smiles at her and says," Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get boobs, too!"
