Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!" :P
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Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!" :P
LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!" :D
QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen". :lol:
Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy
bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said,
Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne,
rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fucking business!!"
LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little
BILLY. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
To which Little BILLY replied, "Well, I suppose the one
with the wedding ring on,'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "The correct answer 'the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." but I like your thinking."
Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and said to him..."Take me ...young man...Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him!!!!
LITTLE BILLY ON...GRAMMAR:
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she reluctantly called on little BILLY.
Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful." :o
LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH:
Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi- syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi- syllable word?"
BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful."
Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow job." :P
LITTLE BILLY ON... MATH:
Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
Why?" asks the father."
The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied BILLY
But that's right!" says his dad.
Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"
What's the fucking difference?" asks the father?
That's what I said!" :lol:
Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.
The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."
The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know... Double Income, No Kids Yet."
The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?" She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know... Wash, Iron, F*ck, Etc."
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX: A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
:o :lol:
Guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants
the bartender says "whats that there for?
the guy says yeah its good here
the bartender says "doesnt that enoy u?
yes he says its driving me nuts
WOMEN'S HUMOR: My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says..... "I'll miss you."
:P
2 guys in abar together 1 guy says m8 do u know where i can get a decent root???
The guy says yeah go across the road m8 trust me how much u got
about $40
ok go there then again trust me
so he goes across the road knocks on the door
a young blond female come out she asks "what do u want"
Ive heard I can get a decent root here from u
how much u got she asks??
about $40
ill tell u what she says ill take my eye out u can stick your dick into my eye socket and fuck away
ok he says
so he sticks his disk in her eye socket and they go at once the man fiunally cums he takes his dick out
the woman wipes all the muck out of here socket puts her eye back in
ok I must come here more often he says
yeah she says next time ill make sure to keep an eye out for ya :P
The three stages of sex in married life:
1) House sex.........you go at it in every room in the house.
2)Appointment sex.........you ask if she'll be available for a quickie on the weekend.
3)Hallway sex...........you pass each other in the hallway and say; " Fuck you ! "
:P
A man is leaving on buisness for a week. He has a beautiful wife and fears that she may cheat on him. So he goes to pick a duildo. He exlpains his situation to the store owner and asks for the best duildo they have. The shopkeeper replied, "Well i am not sure you want the best we have". The man insists to see it. The store owner bring out a carboard box labeled Vodoo Dick. "Its voice commanded I'll demonstrate. Vodoo Dick , dog." The duildo immediatly flew at the dog to the mans amazement. "I'll take it" , said the man. "OK but remember how to stop it, Vodoo Dick back in the box."
The man gave Vodoo Dick to his wife and explained how to use it. He neglected to tell her how to remove it.
About two days after he had left his wife used Vodoo Dick. When she was done she said Vodoo Dick stop. The Vodoo Dick didnt stop. After about 20 minutes of trying different command and trying to manually remove it she has no choice to go to the hospital.
On her way over she was stop by a state trooper for speeding. "Whats your hurry maam ?" asked the state trooper. She explained her situation to him. He wasnt amused and said, "Vodoo Dick my ass!"
A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps.
Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.
The little boy says,
"It's dark in here."
The man whispers, "Yes, it is.
" Boy - "I have a baseball." Man -
"That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside.
" Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250."
In the next few weeks,
it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.
Boy - "It's dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy,
"Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says,
"It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That's way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy
sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!" :o
-----------
A blonde was driving home after a night out and got caught in
really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day
she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so
he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the
tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started
blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little
harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow
into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her
roommate rolled her eyes and said, ...
"HELLLLOOOO" "You need to roll up the windows"
:blink:
While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 15 mph over), I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge.
Naturally, he pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?"
I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop. "What do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
The cop said, "What?.... A rectum stretcher? What does a rectum stretcher DO?"
I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my
way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand.
Then I work until I can get both hands in there, and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."
The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6
foot ass hole?"
I simply replied, " You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge....."
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Some of the finest double entendres on British TV & Radio...
MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up
to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse
coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're
rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his
caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish
Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other
weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky
Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's
misses every chance he gets."
JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre
choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard
on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a
hard on now."
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner
Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising
fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."
WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on
jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a
quick look between his legs and likes what he
sees."
ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner
Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing
third leg."
DURING the 1989 British Masters golf tournament,
commentator Richie Benaud observed: "Notices are
appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick
their balls on the green."
CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a
Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson
to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just
tossed it off."
CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look
North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage
inside you on a cold night like this."
JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand
Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up
the backside by Barrichello?"
STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros
felt much better today after a 69."
THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough
Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at
that magnificent erection."
WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how
jockeys prepare for a big race when he said:
"They usually have four or five dreams a night
about coming from different positions."
STEVE Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In
The Wild, told Trude: "There's something big growing
between my legs."
CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages
on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could
get it."
A female news anchor who, the day after it was
supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the
weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight
inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE
have to leave the set, but half the crew did too,
because they were laughing so hard!
Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is
Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this
morning and it was amazing!"
Hee Hee slightly old but still gets me laughing!! :D