Hoi Les, spud-dude, callum, skweeky, Wee Moose. Mebbes others.

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. "Comfy?" asks the dentist.
"Govan," she replies.

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography? Oor Wullie.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for the set of antlers?"
"Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter.
"That's affa deer," says the guy.

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement? He's awa' noo.

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate. "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu.

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.
"No," argues the assistant, "look at the label - it says Taiwan ."

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my cloud." And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe."

What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly b*****d.

What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident? The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: "What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?"
"I'd put him off at the next stop," he says.
"Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?"
"I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - "Aye right."

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car. "What's up, Jimmy?" he asks. "Piston broke," he replies. "Aye, same as masel..."

I understood nearly all of those, like, tho' I'm not a southern poove.

It were chaps like yourself and Piss Faced I was thinking o'

Cause we speak proper english like what ewe almost does?

http://images.google.co.uk/url?q=htt...tZaQMG_MitV3Og

what the fuck kind of micky mouse language is that?

Dead on ten o'clock.

I didn't understand anything, are you guys from England? I need to go back to school

Quote:

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Originally Posted by pentomato

I didn't understand anything, are you guys from England? I need to go back to school

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its ok, they don't really speak english :no:

Indeed, van Gerwen has drawn level.

the only bit i understood was oor wullie who's from childruns book, but i didn't get the joke. :idunno:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by pentomato

I didn't understand anything, are you guys from England? I need to go back to school

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When you say "go back" that's inferring you went previously. Have you any proof of this.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Alien5

the only bit i understood was oor wullie who's from childruns book, but i didn't get the joke. :idunno:

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That's coz you're as dim as a Canadiain, mate.

i don't think oor wullie is very wel known anywhere else. :lol:

And the words "our" and "wullie", as they may relate to conjoined siblings.

no i still didn't get it

Exactly.

this must be one of those rare occasions that i wish i could be half scottish. :fist:

Look up an urbane dictionary for the words oor and wullie, as they relate to Scotland.

lol!

Nice one Sexytent. I was cackling away like a maddie!

I undertood about 50% of this. I'm moderately pleased with this :happy:

V Impressive The Barbster.

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: "What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?"
"I'd put him off at the next stop," he says.
"Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?"
"I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.

Still can't wurk that one out:unsure:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Proper Bo

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: "What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?"
"I'd put him off at the next stop," he says.
"Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?"
"I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.

Still can't wurk that one out:unsure:

---

Glasgow Fair is a traditional two week holiday, mainly in manufacturing industries, heavy industry (e.g. shipyards) and the building trade. Tho' it did extend to many other areas. Basically all of these would close down for two weeks. A more practical proposition than people taking holidays as they wanted. A lot of people still take "The Fair" as their annual holiday.

It's therefore a play on the words fare and fair. He couldn't get "The Fair" so he would take an alternative period.

There is also an Edinburgh Fair but that doesn't matter.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Chip Monk

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Proper Bo

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: "What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?"
"I'd put him off at the next stop," he says.
"Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?"
"I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.

Still can't wurk that one out:unsure:

---

Glasgow Fair is a traditional two week holiday, mainly in manufacturing industries, heavy industry (e.g. shipyards) and the building trade. Tho' it did extend to many other areas. Basically all of these would close down for two weeks. A more practical proposition than people taking holidays as they wanted. A lot of people still take "The Fair" as their annual holiday.

It's therefore a play on the words fare and fair. He couldn't get "The Fair" so he would take an alternative period.

There is also an Edinburgh Fair but that doesn't matter.

---

I would have got that it was a play on words if I'd known what "The Fair" was, like.

I never doubted it.

They were chuckleworthy

Sexinatent even got an anti Embra dig in there :shifty:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Biggles

They were chuckleworthy

Sexinatent even got an anti Embra dig in there :shifty:

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It would be wrong not to.

Got 80% of 'em. :w00t:

Good Lad.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Sextent

Quote:

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Originally Posted by pentomato

I didn't understand anything, are you guys from England? I need to go back to school

---

When you say "go back" that's inferring you went previously. Have you any proof of this.

---

I don't have nothing to prove to a poor man like you, so do not start with me, because you loose boy.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Sextent

Look up an urbane dictionary for the words oor and wullie, as they relate to Scotland.

---

I work with people like you and I am so sorry about your problem, but been the retard of the tribe I don't think helps your cause.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by pentomato

I don't have nothing to prove to a poor man like you, so do not start with me, because you loose boy.

---

fan-tastic.

"I don't have nothing" "you loose boy".

genius:pinch:

'ard interwebs-thug, that.

=-=-

I think I understand most of them, like. Some took some reasoning back and forth, tho' :unsure:

funny

I just got that forwarded to me in an e-mail about half an hour ago :huh:

JP, is your real name Ann?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Skweeky

funny

I just got that forwarded to me in an e-mail about half an hour ago :huh:

JP, is your real name Ann?

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It's actually my middle name.

I know another bloke whose middle name is Mary. True story.

Must be a Catholic thing.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by pentomato

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Sextent

When you say "go back" that's inferring you went previously. Have you any proof of this.

---

I don't have nothing to prove to a poor man like you, so do not start with me, because you loose boy.

---

:lol:

Let's cut out the foreplay (ref some movie or something else) and assume I've "started" with you. What happens next.

Do you send me threatening PM messages, like the other semi-literate troglodyte or is it a more public thing.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Sextent

Quote:

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Originally Posted by pentomato

I don't have nothing to prove to a poor man like you, so do not start with me, because you loose boy.

---

:lol:

Let's cut out the foreplay (ref some movie or something else) and assume I've "started" with you. What happens next.

Do you send me threatening PM messages, like the other semi-literate troglodyte or is it a more public thing.

---

As I said before, I can't send you anything PM's, your problem is serious and not your fault, just some lost neurones, so I understand, your tribe is missing an idiot.

:o You escaped his village. You're loose now, boy.

You might want to try lithium or something, for those neurons, though, that sounds serious.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by pentomato

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Sextent

:lol:

Let's cut out the foreplay (ref some movie or something else) and assume I've "started" with you. What happens next.

Do you send me threatening PM messages, like the other semi-literate troglodyte or is it a more public thing.

---

As I said before, I can't send you anything PM's, your problem is serious and not your fault, just some lost neurones, so I understand, your tribe is missing an idiot.

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Insult by cliché, fan-tastic. Are you really 37 years old.